So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…
So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.
This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.
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Everyone has returned from birthday trips, but nothing about being another year older makes anyone happier. Especially when you’re eternally single Stassi Schroeder, doomed to wear dickies (and the closest you come lately to an actual d–ks being a photo of your ex-boyfriend’s). Meanwhile, there is Lala Kent, who bailed on Ariana’s birthday trip with a completely lame, pathetic excuse. Yet here she comes, strolling into SUR all svelte and unapologetic, like, sorry boo – I was at the Beverly Hills Hotel chilling with me madre – yeah, uhhh, that’s who, my mom, but I got you this gift. And Jax sucks.
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Ariana and Tom 1 are not impressed by the lame-pology, but Lala is not impressed by Scheana Marie scuttling over to interject with a phony defense of Ariana. I thought Scheana wasn’t allowed to speak to Lala? She better hope this doesn’t get back to Katie Maloney or she’ll be serving Scheana in her bridal party cake. Neither Lala nor Ariana are having any of Scheana’s ‘interventions’.
Nor is Ariana having anymore of Lala. She and Tom 1 are officially out of the White Rover, White Rover won’t you please come over peace offerings game with Lala. She made her bed – now lie in it; married man or not! All Lala is left with is James Kennedy. Awww… I have a soft serve spot for James with his whiny comments and absolutely no holds barred insults.
Even without booze, James is still a diabolical mean girl with a heart and soul of gold, well, maybe pewter. He invites Lala over for some rocky road – and rocky roads indeed. He presses her for info about this mystery man but she distracts him by waving the offer of a helicopter to a fancy house in Malibu for a music fest. James’ eyes start spinning like propellers while Lala insists that any semi-hot girl in L.A. with boobs has been offered a ride on a private jet, and she likes the friendly skies.
Time to play Recap Psychiatrist! Honestly – why do Katie, Stassi, and Kristen Doute care if Lala is dating a married man? They truly expect us to believe their witch hunt is justified because Lala fat-shamed Katie once and then took her top off in front of Tom 2?! After all the atrocious things they’ve said about her and done to her, which they conveniently forget. Does tequila give them revisionist history, or is that hubris and denial? The Shebeast is out of line and gross. They are so desperate (and pathetic) for information about Lala, Stassi and Kristen beg James to meet them for a drink – at a bar named, of all places, “The Spare Tire.”
Kristen brags that she’s “one step away from restraining order” against James yet she’s doing this “for Katie.” Is Tom 2 in love with Katie (RHETORICAL QUESTION!), or are Kristen and Stassi? Because they are more up in her clam shell than Mr. Schwartzie ever has been.
James came to this meeting prepared with ammunition – he knows their agenda. Unfortunately, two seconds after he sits down, they claim Lala has been running around telling everyone that she can’t stand James. Surely he’s desensitized to people saying this by now? Guess not!
So, with that food for thought (is it ice cream?!), James admits he’s never met nor seen the boyfriend, but he was required to sign a non-disclosure agreement before staying at the house. Apparently this proves to Stassi and Kristen that Lala is definitely dating a married man. Not only that, but since Tom and Ariana went to the same music festival, they too must have signed the NDA and that is why they’re nice to Lala. Stassi Holmes – coming soon to Masterpiece Theater!
And, again, they care, why? Who cares about Katie enough to embarrass and degrade yourself on national television? Although considering that it’s Kristen and Stassi, this is probably considered normal behavior in their eyes.
In addition to being horrid to Lala, Kristen was horrid to innocent Brittany. Kristen and her friends used one of Jax’s old dick-pics in their comedy show at The Improv. Naturally, she didn’t think to inform Brittany, nor Jax, who were both in the audience for this indiscretion, and they both immediately recognized the Schlong of Infamy. And so too did Tom 2 and Katie Too. Brittany is offended and disgusted that her so-called friends would do such a thing. When she confronts Kristen about it – nicely, I might add – upset that Kristen didn’t even consider her feelings, Krazy Kritter starts to rear her ugly head and get self-righteously defensive.
The next day Kristen offers a lame non-pology, while Stassi explains that this is how their friend group is, and like a millipede, all these appendages must operate as one, so Brittany better accept it or get Lala’d.
Naturally, while f–king up paint samples and SUR uniforms, Katie told Lisa Vanderpump all about the dick-pic. Lisa is shocked by this new phenomena.
Britany is distracted from Dick-Picgate by her mom’s visit.
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Jax is living in sin with Brittany – a situation Brit-Brit’s mother desperately needs him to remedy with an engagement ring. He has seized Brittany from salvation, tempting her with a poisoned apple (provided by Kristen), and brought her to the devil. So, Brittany is religious yet she worked at Hooters and constantly has her boobs on display? While her mom is lecturing Jax about them joining a church (he doesn’t want to because of second hand smoke concerns – it’s so bad for aging), Brittany’s boobs are literally hanging out of her jumpsuit for the world to see.
Brittany’s mom just wants to make sure Jax is still going to buy the cow since the milk has been given away for free. Of course, Jax is a total a-hole to Brittany’s mom. He couldn’t even be bothered to get groceries (turkey sandwiches are not his job). Luckily, they were headed to Katie’s bridal party, where there was a Taco Bell tower. I kid you not! Katie’s stans spent $200 on Chalupas for the woman who makes their lives worth living, the reason they eyebrow wax and die and disgrace themselves. They will literally go to battle and lay down their mascara wands and vibrators for queen and cunt-try to defend Katie from the evil harridan Lala Kent. Wasn’t there a GOT episode about this actually?
Anyway, Stassi and Co. are spending a red fortune on this shower and throwing it some sort of castle – anything for their queen! – which is giving Scheana the hobbies because, like, what if Katie’s wedding photos are bigger and gaudier and more on display than hers?! NOBODY puts Scheana Shay’s crop top in a corner. Except for maybe too much Taco Bell. Or Mike Shay‘s disappearing act.
LVP appears, and after warning Brittany’s mom that Jax is the spawn of Satan (Satan is confusing!) she gives Katie a blowup doll named, appropriately, Katie – just in case Tom 2 gets bored, it’s not really cheating! Or some inflated logic.
While the girls are groveling at Katie’s feet, the boys eat tacos with Tom. Deep conversations are had and Tom 2 admits that marriage was the path of least resistance. One Jax should certainly not take. Instead Jax should ‘go out for coffee’ and never come back – hightailing it to Michigan for a crime spree and only returning when his mugshot hits TMZ and he needs some LVP bail money, then joining the Church Of Scientology. By that time, Brittany will hopefully be safely ensconced in KY with the other clucking chicks.
But at Katie’s bridal shower the important matters are not her impending wedded bliss, the happier-ever-after upon her, the details about the dress or the flowers or the signature cocktail, or when she and Tom will ‘start trying…’ Oh no, the topic of convo is Lala. Not just Lala, but Ariana’s relationship with Lala.
Near the Taco Tower, Stassi confronts Ariana about not being one of them. And if you’re not with them … you’re with Lala, aka the enemy. Stassi demands to know if Ariana signed the NDA and is lying to cover-up Lala’s adultery. Ariana insists she did not sign. In fact she never even saw Lala or the guy that weekend, and, if there is an affair, is Lala totally responsible? What about the guy?! This is not acceptable to Stassi – the point is that Lala is a ho. Stassi argues this while standing across from Scheana and while Kristen is wandering around. Cause in the world of Stassi Schroeder women’s rights, slut-shaming, and reality never happened.
I should mention that Katie was standing guard over Stassi, chiming in and making rude comments to Ariana too. Then Katie realized there was Taco Bell and tequila so she walked away. But Scheana remained, saying nothing in Ariana’s defense, except that when the Three-Headed SheBeast drinks they get nasty and vitriolic. Apparently Katie wanted Ariana at her shower “0%,” and Stassi finds it unacceptable that Ariana came as a guest without helping even though she’s a groomsman. Didn’t Ariana bring balloons?! Did the balloons just float there magically, mystically like a mermaid emerging from the deep?!
Because Ariana refuses to cower to Stassi’s BS, Stassi starts insulting her and comparing what “Lala did to Katie” with what Kristen did to Ariana. Um no, actually what Stassi, Katie, and Kristen are doing to Lala is what Kristen did to Ariana – stalking her, harassing her at work, making countless baseless accusations against her, and trying to ruin her reputation. Ariana refuses to accept Stassi’s logic, so Stassi snarks that Ariana “stole” Kristen’s boyfriend.
Which is hilarious because Kristen cheated on said boyfriend numerous times, twice with STASSI’S OWN BOYFRIEND – then Kristen dumped Tom for James, whom she moved into Tom’s apartment. But because Tom liked Ariana and made out with her once in a pool, while on a break with Kristen, Ariana stole him. Don’t hate Ariana cause she’s more fabulous than you, boo!
Obviously not winning this argument, Stassi resorts to stamping her foot and yelling that no one even wants Ariana at the shower, to which Ariana retorts. “I don’t fight with my friends. I came cause I care about Katie, but I don’t f–king care about you. I just don’t.” She shrugs as Stassi turns, speechless, and stomps away like a 2-year-old, her dress from the Kyle from Kaftans Express Collection blowing in the deflated wind of her collapsing ego.
Stassi – take it from me, hun – you need help. Without it, future, thy name is Brandi Glanville. AS for Katie and Kristen – they’re pretty much lost causes in the same vein as taco bell wrappers after a 2 am drive-thru run!
TELL US – IS STASSI COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE? DOES LALA DESERVE THE WITCH HUNT? IS ARIANA A BAD FRIEND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]