Vanderpump Rules Recap: Drain The Swamp

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules poor Tom Schwartz saw the writing on the wall and it said “RUN!” First off, how stupid was the witch hunt over Tom’s two years in the past drunken Vegas hook-up and then Kristen Doute‘s insistence that this is the justified reason Katie Maloney is constantly mean and angry.

I fully agree with Tom Sandoval – that’s ridiculous, and Tom 2 is a “battered wife.” Now I feel more sad watching this. More sad-sad, even, because the only way Tom can tap into his own inner rage and express his feelings is while wearing a dress. Or being tortured by reptiles. When Tom 1 and Jax Taylor are the lone sane members of your collective friend group, things are not going swimmingly.


On a bright note, Krazy Kritter has returned! I think we know why Carter got stuck with her – he’s Krazy Karter! SoulKrazies! But, dude, put on a dress and grow a pair. Why was Carter the lone man-child clinging to long-dead dignity, wearing bro clothes while his boys were in drag? Then chasing his friend down the hallway to insist that millions of years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and mankind was but a mere twinkle in a fish amoeba’s eye, Tom 2‘s drunken make-out is totally deserving of Katie’s incessant, cruel, and constant rage. Yeah – nope. Have fun with Kristen carrying your balls around in her knock-off purse, Carter, and look into Tom 2’s eyes – look deep – because, that m’dear, is your future.

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But I suppose I should back this lurid tale up. It’s the morning after a drunken hurrah and while Scheana Marie is ignoring Shay to play PokemonGo, and Tom and Ariana Madix are cuddling, Tom 2 awakes solo on the sofa. In the bed, looking rough and acting crusty, is Katie. They had a huge fight the night before over walking home and Tom not having Katie’s back. Now they’re fighting over who started that fight. Tom 2 is confrontational because he is still drunk from the previous night, and the very first thing he does is grab a beer to keep up the good work.

Down the hall, Brittany Cartwright is mortified that Jax was sobbing over Stassi Schroeder while treating her like shit. Like all the other bad dog things Jax has ever done in the past, he claims no recollection of crying. That’s not good enough for Brittany, but, I mean, honey, quite literally you made your bed with Jax, now lie in it. And that lie, is to yourself.

Tom 2 gators

Tom 2 goes gator-hunting with the grooms, and the girls put on their versions of Southern Ladies Who Lunch (Katie resembled an escapee from a polygamous compound) for a seafood lunch. Seafood that Scheana and Kristen don’t eat, which is the perfect opportunity for them to be so grossed out they have to leave the table, to hover in the sidelines and discuss Kristen’s recent epiphany: The reason Katie is so mean to Tom is long-buried mistrust she’s harboring over his cheating. And not just his cheating, but his LYING about the cheating. Even though Tom confessed to making out with a random girl in Vegas, Kristen and Katie believe he actually slept with her but won’t admit it. This is weighing on Katie’s soul and affecting her every interaction with Tom.

Thank God Kristen cleared all this up in a long conversation with Katie with Carter as her witness. Kristen has long-known Tom 2 was lying, because she saw a text from Jax‘s ex-girlfriend Carmon (the one he dumped over greasy pizza) confirming it. If you recall, it was Kristen who originally told Katie that Tom cheated.

This “logic” all makes perfect sense to Scheana. She and Kristen decide to make it their goal to force Tom to confess and apologize, because then Katie will be able to get over it and live happily ever after with Tom.

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Ahem, allow me to climb on to my soapbox here, cause I call BullSHIT! SO – two long years ago, Tom 2 confessed to drunkenly making-out with a random chick in Vegas. And Katie is STILL supposedly so convinced he’s lying that she’s turned into an alcoholic rage-monster, emotionally abusing him? Also, AFTER she found out that he ‘cheated,’ and even though she’s always suspected he’s lying, Katie still begged Tom to marry her, gave him an ultimatum to propose, but never actually tried to have an honest conversation with a therapist to work this out? Sounds fishy (pun intended!) – like a convenient excuse to always have a reason to blame Tom for everything.

And what’s Katie’s excuse for mistreating everyone else? Did they lie about hooking up with some girl in Vegas too? Scheana… time to confess! You, too, Ariana – you cheated on Katie in Vegas! Oh, err, or was that Kristen you cheated on when you made out with Tom 1 while they were on a break? Who can keep track of Kristen’s insanity at this point. Or Katie’s.


You know what Vegas girl sounds suspiciously like? Miami girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kristen tracked down Vegas girl  – on Twitter, or Snapchat, or outside Circus, Circus – to have her show up at the wedding and confront Tom at the very moment Officiant Lisa Vanderpump asks if anyone has any objections to this marriage. Of course, I fully expect the entire room to stand up with objections, but couldn’t you absolutely see Kristen shoving this girl up to the altar to make Tom confront the truth so Katie can finally stop treating him like garbage?! But what do I know.

While all this is happening, Tom 2, wearing his Tom 1 t-shirt with pride, is getting drunker and drunker while gatoring. The boys are playing practical joke after practical joke, sneaking snakes into the beer cooler and a donuts box, and sticking baby ‘gator tails into his ear. That was all fun and games until lunch, when Tom 2 starts complaining about the latest fight he and Katie had. Jax comes right out and says that Tom should probably call off the wedding – who would want to spend a lifetime dealing with this?

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That’s when Carter, the interloper and Kristen plant, interjects to lecture Tom about how his ‘cheating’ is the reason Katie is so upset. The Toms and Jax immediately call this what it is: “Kristen Propaganda.” Yeppers! Also, as Tom 2 reminds time and time again, he and Katie fought for years before this. What was her excuse then?

Of course, Tom 1 starts crying because Tom 2 deserves better than a life with Katie. He can’t watch his friend make the biggest mistake of his life, being railroaded by the Three-Headed SheBeast of Colossal Dysfunction. Ariana laughs that she didn’t want to be a bridesmaid to avoid the sobbing girls… but there by the grace of a Tom go tears. Honestly, though, Tom 1, Saint Peter, and Jax are completely right – Tom 2 should call this off. Unfortunately, Tom 1 and Jax have all the backbone in their three-headed manbeast. Also, Carter sucks.

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Back at the hotel, the boys pass-out before getting drag makeovers, while the girls hire a stripper and basically spend an hour taking selfies with her ass in their faces. Ariana, still straddling the fence, abandons the boys and their makeup to do body shots with the girls and their stripper, then she returns to brag about how much more fun the girls are having. Poor Tom 2 – he’s too pu–y-whipped to be allowed a stripper. If he even looked at one, StassiKatie, and Kristen would accuse him of cheating and scream that he forced Mount Katsuvious, the gelatinous blob of ever-loving rage, to erupt.

With the boys all turned into girls, and Ariana all turned into a wannabe Justin Bieber, they hit the town for some shenanigans. Why wasn’t Carter in drag? Oh wait, because Carter IS a drag, and that apparently satisfied the requirement. Appropriately the bridesmaids take a haunted murder tour. Where they plot Tom 2‘s demise. And if they bring him back to life, they can control his every move!

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Tom 2, posing as “Lisa Manderpump,” got drunker and drunker until he forgot he was actually getting married and started having fun until meeting up the girls back at the hotel. And at first it was still fun, but then Kristen decided it was high-time to have that heart-to-heart about Tom 2’s cheating lie and why it is the root cause of alllll of Katie’s wrath. Tom 2 refuses to hear this, and complains about the girls’ lame attempt to blame him for everything. I thought Tom, drunk and in drag, made more sense and was more assertive and cute than he’s ever been. I want to see more of this Tom! Of course This Tom would not find himself with That Katie, or attached to the Three-Headed SheBeast’s SisterWitches illogical maelstrom.

Tom 2 also reminds “Doute” that refusal to take accountability for your own actions is her standard. He also threatens to call Kristen out all HER cheating. Yeah, do we think she’s cheated on Carter yet?! #RhetoricalQuestion

Kristen confrots Tom 2

According to Kristen, if Tom would just admit it before the wedding, everything would turn out fine. Because admitting you lied to your girlfriend-then-fiance for two years would make it all better and then the trust issues would evaporate like Stassi’s dates.

Despite Tom 2′s attempts to flee, Kristen, as we know, is not easily deterred, so with Carter by her side she chases Tom 2 down the hallway to demand answers. But Tom 2 has Tom 1 as his protector and the combined force of the Toms begins to overpower Kristen.

Kristen then has the audacity to tell Tom 1 it’s none of his business, which he points out is a laugh because it’s none of KRISTEN’S business either. Oh, but Kristen is protecting her dear lover-friend Katie! The Toms manage to escape in the elevator, but Carter sidles in at the last minute to fight Kristen’s battle. The Tom’s accuse Kristen of controlling Carter who’s now become one of her cronies (true), something Tom 1 knows all about. Carter tells Tom 1 to grow up – and not into a woman. I guess Carter doesn’t like hearing the truth.

The Toms battle Carter

The entire time The Toms argue with CarterStassi is crouched in her doorway listening. Behind their door, Jax and Brittany also listen in. Brittany tries to force Jax to go out there and defend Kristen’s honor, never-ending war of blame. Downstairs, Kristen even bonds with Ariana over cheating – of all things – and convinces her that Tom has destroyed Katie’s happiness over long-ago cheating and suspicion about what really happened the fateful night in Vegas. Isn’t this also the story of how Ariana supposedly destroyed Kristen, by causing Kristen to constantly question Tom’s trust. Hmmmm…

Jax refuses to get involved

Interestingly, it now it all makes perfect sense to Ariana, too – Katie thinks there’s something more to the story and it’s eating her up inside. Ariana joins the crusade to get the to the truth and help Katie and Tom 2 heal. Again, just no. Although I do concur that if Katie is still convincing herself that this is the reason she’s so awful to Tom, she does need help. Majorly.

Scheana and Ariana confront Tom and Tom

Ariana and Scheana decide to intervene on the Toms, and this time Scheana questions Tom 2 about how deep his cheating went. He continues to insist he never had sex with any girl. Tom 1 vouches that Tom 2 was so drunk his d–k wouldn’t have been capable of sex.

Meanwhile, Stassi is hurt that she never knew the ins and outs of Tom 2’s alleged cheating, which happened when she and Katie weren’t speaking. Waaaah! Poor Stassi – it’s always about her! The other realization Stassi has is that Tom 1 looks better as a blonde woman than she does. She fantasizes about using a photo of him in drag on her dating app profile. Look at Stassi getting all experimental.


With all the accusations flying at him, and once again being blamed for not having Katie’s back, Tom 2 announces that he’s done and doesn’t want to marry Katie. Too bad that actual logic didn’t stick!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]