Well, surprise, surprise Vanderpump Rules fans: Jax Taylor did NOT cheat on Brittany Cartwright! Oh, I’m just kidding – of course he did! I mean Jax probably even did it more than once actually, because Brittany found some false eyelashes in her bathroom once and they didn’t belong to her, or Jax, or Tom Schwartz (who sometimes, when he cries, likes to feel the soft flutter of gently moistened pony lashes on his tender cheeks. It’s comforting. Like a little blanket for his Cabbage Patch Kids face).
Jax apparently cheated with – and potentially knocked up – Brittany’s friend Faith Stowers, who confessed all of this to James Kennedy. Of course – why not confess to Jax’s mortal enemy? James is levitating with glee at this trashy news. Jax vehemently denies it.
Even when being chased down by Kristen Doute (who is always eager to try not to look like the worst person on this show) and Scheana, Jax insists Faith is lying. Brittany, though, she doesn’t believe him. She hauls herself off the bar floor, calls an Uber, and takes herself home she’s so convinced he’s guilty.
What is scarier: sleeping with Jax without a condom, or Kristen chasing you down plotting your demise? Toss up!
But seriously – could this Jax cheating situation get any grosser?! WHO would admit to this on national TV?! That’s like behind-the-scenes confessions, yo! Faith is one piece of work…
The next morning Brittany has booked herself a ticket to Vegas for a weekend of acting like she’s single to get revenge. She’s crying on Katie Maloney‘s sofa when Jax barges in to again maintain that he’s the innocent victim of a desperate harridan. Brittany looks through his texts to Faith though and announces, mirthlessly, “I don’t believe you! YOU GOT F–KED!” Dang – apparently she reads the hidden code for hoochie!?
Back in their apartment, packing for Vegas, Jax admits that, yes, well, actually he did slip inside of Faith and you know, do this cheating thing. He was just too embarrassed to admit it in front of Katie, but it only happened because he and Brittany have been having so many problems and he thought they might break up. Way to blame the victim!
Brittany is devastated, but not surprised. She cries into her fluffy dog’s fur and then flees to Vegas where all one’s bad intentions go to be seeded and grow into a poisonous flower named Jaxius Eroticus, A Herpesious invasive specious to California.
Meanwhile, across town in idyllic Villa Rosa, Lisa Vanderpump is receiving news over her own. She’s possibly pregnant with Jax’s baby too! Obviously not – Lisa is getting GOOD news. Her news appears with the gentle purring of a brand new Rolls. You seeeeee, Lisa didn’t like the doors on the old one, and Ken reads between Lisa’s lines enough to know this means NEW CAR, PRONTO!
Lisa’s new car is delivered with a bow, full of gas, and just in time for Stassi Schroeder to stroll up the walk and understand that all the sex she has been putting out is insufficient and unsatisfactory, because she lives in an apartment without AC and the only gifts she’s receiving are when he picks up the tab for Happy Hour. In fact, no one is even sending an Uber to pick her up! Well, I mean, we can’t all be the gilded lilies!
Stassi has come with a proposition. One that won’t get her a Rolls, but will get her another stalled career. She wants to become an event planner. Which is like the producer intervention way of saying “hmmmm… how can we get Stassi a fake job at SUR without having to make her a waitress because no one will even pretend to believe that?” This is what they came up with.
Apparently because Stassi believes she’s good at decorating and drinking too much at parties, this qualifies her as a good event planner. Lisa allows her the opportunity to coordinate ONE ROOM at Guillermo’s birthday party because she claims Stassi is “extraordinarily bright.” Wow… let’s hope ol Stas doesn’t collapse under all that adulting responsibility!
How can none of these people actually have careers yet? Reality TV has permanently stunted their maturity. Look at Tom 2… he is so non-working, he’s able to – on the regular! – begin drinking at one party and just continue drinking all night and day into the next party. Which is how he transitions from Scheana’s party to Ariana Madix‘s brother Jeremy’s party. A far better event held at some gorgeous little garden spot that was so sweet and filled with atmosphere.
It was all promptly and savagely destroyed because all anyone talked about was Jax’s admission that he Jax’d Faith. Lucky Faith!
Ariana is annoyed with Tom 2’s drunken wastrel-ways, disgusted by Jax, and bored by Tom Sandoval. Jerking off to snapchats of her new hairdo is the closest to doing it she and Tom 1 come these days. He calls it a dry spell. She calls it annoyance over his consistent immaturity. A co-infection he caught (or shares) with Tom 2! Whom infected whom?!
In the middle of the party a wasted Tom 2 goes off by himself to cry quietly in a corner alcove, where I’m pretty sure they normally store dumpsters. Of course Tom 1 feels his distress like a sonar wave and goes to find him. Tom 2 is distraught that he is a married man now, yet still has NO direction in life. Unless it’s direction to the bar. He’s also depressed that people are gossiping about Jax’s bad behavior. Life is just so sad and listless! Tom 1 feels his pain. He hugs him close and whispers sweet nothings in his ear, then he promises he’ll save their bar. Honestly Tom 2’s plan to ride Lisa’s good graces into bar ownership does not demonstrate that he’s maturing – although he certainly doesn’t seem to understand this.
Tom 2 is sad that he’s constantly partying without his wife, because no one wants Katie at anything. Can you blame them? Kateastrophe is a negative nasal drip that just will not stop leaking you no matter how many times you sniffle. She is just not fun, and besides, someone has to stay home to clean up all Tom 2’s abandoned beer cans, but he married her against ALL warnings and should stay home with her. He better resign himself to unhappy wife, unhappy life – cause she never made any promises to the contrary, I’ll say that for Katie!
The next day Tom 2 sleep-drinks through to Long Beach Pride Parade where he, Tom 1 and Ariana watch Lisa Grand Marshall the parade. Lisa is splendid in flowing white robes, adorned with puppy fur and rainbow pompoms. As Ken chariots her through the parade route Tom 2 misses the entire thing because he is puking (?) in the bathroom.
After the parade, The Toms and Ariana meet Lisa for a drink and a some education on alternative sexual practices. Tom 1, hoping to spice things up, or rather reignite things with Ariana agrees to let her whip him into shape. Literally. She explains that they both need to work some things out: she, the whipper, needs to channel her frustrations with his lackadaisical lifestyle; and he, the whipped (of course), needs to get punished. Obviously Tom 1 would be into something like this – he’s basically like a sock puppet in human form and has no spine whatsoever. Except when it comes to Kristen. After many years of abuse. So Ariana buys a whip and half-heartedly spanks him, but even that’s not really satisfactory. Since their sex life has withered on the vine and it no longer matters, Tom 1 just lets Jeremy move back in.
Their relationship seems like Big Brothers Big Sisters anyway. Like Ariana is his life coach/mentor. Even though she’s only a few years older and not much wiser – every little bit helps! Speaking of, drunkenly Tom 1 apologized to Lisa and pledged both his devotion and passion for Tom Tom, and she agreed – kinda – to give him another chance to fail.
While Brittany is in Vegas pretending to be single, Stassi is safely ensconced in WeHo pretending to be coupled to Patrick. Oh yes, with all the cheating scandals going on, the appearance of Patrick – finally! – was overshadowed. He came, he sucked, and she deserves every bit of his smug insufferable assholery. Congrats Patrick – it was wonderful to watch you bop Stassi down repeatedly like one of those little irritating mushrooms from Mario Brothers.
They go on a date, and Stassi is so nervous about doing anything to upset him. In return Patrick is nice to her for about 3 seconds in complimenting her podcast, then proceeds to inform her that while he’s on vacation she can’t call him or ask anything about what happens, because that is his private time. Stassi is so aggrieved by the thought of Patrick abandoning her again she threatens that if he breaks up with her she’ll go psycho. This relationship really sounds like it’s gonna last. I just have such high hopes for these two charming and lovely individuals of esteemed loveliness. It’s like the 700th coming of a Disney Princess Movie!
Seriously though – Stassi needs some therapy. Majorly. She was so desperate, cloying, clinging, and timid around Patrick that it almost made me sad for her. Almost-ish. The worst is Kristen gushing that Patrick and Stassi are perfect soulmates and have so much chemistry! Kristen is a worse friend than any of us thought. She’s almost like so bad she’s the friend version of Patrick. Or Jax. Yeah, defiantly Jax.
Speaking of, Brittany returns from Vegas tanned, alone, and more confused than ever. Should she love Jax? Should she not? Should she stay? Or should she go now? What is a girl to do when the man she loves is a gross cretin incapable of human relationships?
We’re all rooting for Brittany to make the right choice – which is obviously to leave Jax and become a women’s empowerment story about coming back from embarrassing loss on reality TV. You know, the opposite of Stassi! But instead, Brittany finds the lure of Jax impossible to resist. Just as Tom 1 is warning Jax that he needs to give Brittany space by staying in a hotel for a few days, and just as Brittany is crying that her heart is broken and she wants to stay away from him, she also admits that they spent the entire day together, reconnecting, and also had sex. WHAT?! I mean that’s like more shocking than the cheating! I hope she used a condom, cause Faith sure as heck didn’t.
Brittany reveals this to Ariana and Scheana. Who already know that Faith has missed her period, but they do their best to contain their immediate reaction to start vomiting on Brittany’s SUR uniform. Which is what I would’ve done. Cause really?! Really Brittany?! You cannot expect people to have sympathy for you when you sleep with Jax the moment you see him. What is wrong with this girl?!
Brittany whines that she just needed some “affection.” For what? To prove Jax loves her? Cause he proved that when he gave those same affections to another girl. Possibly in Brittany’s bed! Definitely in an assisted living facility of some sort. It’s just a ridiculous mess, and Brittany swears that more than ever she’s confused about what to do – if only she could just stop loving him; get him lobotomized out as easily as she got her fake boobs put in. Maybe she can visit her mom’s church for a little Jaxorcism?
Brittany you’re an idiot. Because, now, suddenly you look like just a big of an ass as he does! And so does Faith. Wow – that’s some magician work there.
TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED JAX ADMITTED TO CHEATING? ARE YOU SURPRISED BRITTANY SLEPT WITH HIM? DOES STASSI DESERVE PATRICK OR IS HE A JERK?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]