Kristen Doute

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Unsolved Mysteries

Did I miss something on last night’s Vanderpump Rules? Did James Kennedy admit to hooking up “just a little” with Kristen Doute? Even more curious – did the cameras actually miss James and Kristen drunkenly hooking up?!

What I think I observed was a drunken game of telephone. Or whatever it’s called in the iPhone era. Probably something to do with Snapchatting and then sharing Snaps that were deleted and how you thought you were sexting your boyfriend SUPER ROB when in fact you were sending a disgraced Nigerian prince $300 to get his crown out of hock and on a plane to LA to bar tend into his future at SUR. I mean this could finally be the man for Scheana Marie!

Anyway! Using delightful time lapse, the episode opens hours early with Stassi Schroeder sitting on a beach with Katie Maloney and Kristen. The sand is soft and fuzzy – just like their drink-addled memories from every day the night before.  

Conveniently Stassi took a sleeping pill and was comatose to the world until 1:30 PM. Conveniently Kristen was out until 8:30am and too drunk to remember past noon the previous day when she returned to the hotel room to shower sand out of her hoohah.

Ahhh! But there is a catch. Neither Kristen nor James made it to their beds – which remain unused the next morning at 8:30am. Where, pray tell, did the DJ and his ex girlfriend go?! Suddenly it’s a SUR-style game of Clue. Who did it, with James Kennedy, in what room? And hopefully with what birth control! It is Jax Taylor who has the next clue because James and Kristen were in the private pool of his suite. They were spotted there at 7:30 am with a bottle of tequila.

Who’s excited for Unsolved Mysteries With Jax Taylor? Cause he is very on the case. With such riveting and finely sourced evidence! Oh goody.

Everything is Scheana’s fault. See Jax couldn’t sleep, because he was so upset after learning that Scheana tried to lure Brittany Cartwright away from him. Not even the bottle of vodka he stuffed down his pants at the bar, combined with all the other alcohol he consumed, could counteract his Schea-rage and make him pass out. He was up early, being morose, when he noticed some strange movement from the pool in his suite. And what did he spy among nature’s beasts? Why James and Kristen! Doing what exactly? We don’t know because in Jax’s words, “James saw me coming and fled the scene.” (with a bottle of tequila stolen from Jax’s room).

The intrigue deepens because when Jax next encountered the so-called crime scene – there were PILLOWS on the pool deck arranged, suspiciously, to make a sort of bed. Perfect for los hooking up-o! “The smoking gun, if you will,” remarks Jax, who decides to abandon his future career as a hockey social media reporter to become a hook up detective. Dude – the irony. The sweet, sweet irony of Jax Taylor becoming a PI who busts cheaters. That actually MUST become a show on Bravo. Kristen could be his business partner! (Cause further irony.)

Um, an aside, but: Why is Jax not mad at Brittany for going on a date? To have dirt to lord over her head at a more convenient time? Also it takes part of the heat off him.

Anyway, back to James and Kristen… We flashback to the last night where Jax is storming out of the club and everyone else is getting trashed. James suddenly comprendes his way into the DJ booth, and in Spanish convinces the DJ to let him take over to play his newest song. “Asta proximo martedes!” triumphs James (Spanish for See You Next Tuesday). And it is a very prescient c-u-next-tuesday indeed. Specifically for Kristen!

There s something infectious about el James-o’s takeover. Suddenly Kristen and Lala Kent are all about the Kennedy’s conejos! Kristen is dropping into splits, wearing prison black and white stripes, and remembering some of the better things about him. They end up laughing and joking together, then taking this party back to Jax’s room late night.

Lisa Vanderpump

Over at Villa Rosa, Lisa Vanderpump adopts yet another dog which resembles Ken. This fluffy scrap abandoned at Vanderpump Dog rescue goes against her policy of taking dogs “to go” as she walks out the door, but then Lisa remembers all the chances she’s given James who has finally turned out right…

In Mexico Scheana awakes to a delivery of flowers Randall sent Lala. Through pinched lips Scheana insists she’s NOT AT ALL JEALOUS – she’s not a flower person, just like she’s not a kissing person, or a gifts person in general, because she has to make excuses for all the things Rob doesn’t do for her. Scheana even dismisses roses as “basic.” Exactly what flowers say I’m desperate to escape you?

“I don’t like presents,” Scheana sulkily insists to Lala, “I like affection. I guess I’m simple.” Now Lala plays detective and she’s put together clues to ascertain that Rob is just not that into Scheana. “I don’t know why Scehana feels the need to pretend anymore. We see right through you: You’re not gettin’ affection and you’re not gettin’ gifts. Whomp, whomp, whomp…” snipes Lala for the win. Yeah, Scheana give up the ghost, whose name is Rob.

Tom Sandoval golfing

Meanwhile the boys go “golfing”. They’re all dressed like Weekend At Bernies and sipping tequila like it’s midnight, not noon. Only Peter in his tight shorts is sober. Thank God for you Peter. As always.

James and Tom 2 are so hung-over/still wasted they actually hug each other for moral support to get through more drinking, kindling a bromance through survival. Like lean on me and absorb the booze through my pores? The intrigue of The James Kennedy Mystery deepens again because Tom 2 recalls James shirtless and dancing on the bar. He also recalls making out in his tequila-addled stupor but he’s pretty sure that didn’t involve James. (It was Katie) Of course later we find out that Tom 2 also disappeared into the night…


Jax can’t concentrate on golf balls because he is so anxious to reveal the scintillating possibly of James’s balls re-entering Kristen’s hole in one. The second James’s back is turned he regales the other guys with the gossip. Tom 1 is scandalized. And this is where it gets confusing (now I get to play detective). It seems like Tom asked James if he was “hanging out” with Kristen and James answered “maybe a little bit”.  Perhaps booze combined with wishful thinking melodrama transformed “hanging out” into “hooking up”? Or maybe it is I who misheard Tom 1’s question cause I am a James apologist even though I cannot condone him calling Brittany fat and projected his anger about Jax lying onto Brittany’s appearance. Lame, anti-feminist, and your hot future Miss USA should seriously dump your trifling ass for this reason, among many.

Anyway, James vehemently denies hooking up with Kristen and gets so upset he actually starts crying with hurt feelings until TOM SANDOVAL tells him to knock it off. Oh the irony!

James doesn’t cheat on his girlfriend and also IT’S NOT ABOUT THE PASTA! But it IS about the pillows! Jax claims to possess evidence of James and Kristen’s hook-up because he took a photo of the pillows propped up on the pool deck. Um, the judge strikes that down.

James denies cheating with Kristen

James took a nap on them, but he DID NOT have sex with Kristen on said pillows because James “doesn’t think Kristen is sexy or hot all.” I mean how dare they! Also it’s not about the pasta. Poor James is just too drunk/hung-over to handle emotions and I get it: he thought he was bonding with these blokes but they just can’t wait to use him to blow-up Kristen’s life. Again.

As Peter eloquently explains: Jax and James are deflectors deflecting their bad relationships onto each other. But the question is: did anyone deflect their bad relationship with Kristen? Actually maybe JAX hooked up with Kristen while James was passed out drunk? I mean, deja vu…

The girls go for a spa day and Scheana cannot wait to gossip about The Case Of The Missing Kristen. Scheana, Brittany, Lala and Ariana all believe something happened. Scheana is salivating over the idea of Carter finding out. Cause she’s a good friend like that! Scheana also predicts Jax has already spilled to both Carter and Raquel – we all know Jax hates to be the lone cheater in any situation, and is eager, as Peter said, to deflect from his own relationship woes! Just as Scheana is!

Stassi & Katie

It is perma-drunken Tom 2 who spins things out of control by mistakenly recounting to Katie that James admitted to hooking up with Kristen. And Katie then tells Kristen, who angrily denies it, then gets angry at Stassi and Katie for even questioning her ethics, morals, and behavior. Really? I have to agree with Stassi – Kristen has a history and it ain’t good! And even if she’s ‘grown up’ some of those same old behavioral patterns still very much lurk. Like Stassi said why put yourself in the position to even be accused?!

Tom Schwartz drunk

Contrarily, Katie knows that Tom + booze = no recollection. The dude blacked out and doesn’t remember cheating on his wife during the best, easiest, most perfect first year of marriage ever. Katie does realize she sounds like Scheana when she brags about how amazingly simple and amazing marriage is? Which brings us to the other disappearance from the night before: Tom 2. While super-wasted he snuck out of his room and wandered until he ended up at a different resort! I think that’s called a Freudian slip. Actually a Freudian blackout. Katie is outraged and once again makes rules about what Tom can and cannot do. Katie the first rule of parenting is you have to STICK TO THE CONSEQUENCES. Please do not spawn.

Anyway, this brings us up to present time.


Kristen is fuming when the rest of the group, absent James, joins them at the beach. Jax now says James confessed to “fooling around a little bit” with Kristen by the hot tub. It is only Peter, eternally sober and good Peter, who knows this is not true. But just in case, like the good person he is, he does his due diligence by asking James. James again insists he NEVER, EVER said anything of the sort. Too bad Tom 1 also co-signed Jax’s story to Kristen!

Poor James presumes Kristen will be mad at JAX for spreading rumors, and is shocked to learn that instead she’s pissed at him for being the one supposedly spreading lies. Are people still in the phase where they believe ANY words that come out of Jax’s mouth? Like if Jax opens his lips, the word LIIIIIIIE just pours out in a puddle of foul-smelling slop.

While the Toms are in Mexico solving true crimes and envisioning a future with their own Netflix documentary, Lisa and Ken are working on TomTom. Actually Lisa, in a hot pink hardhat, is pondering why on earth Brittany has not dumped Jax yet. Two words: Vanderpump Rules.

James tries to preempt further damage by texting Kristen before dinner to let her know he did not say they hooked up, but Kristen is in krazy-kritter mode and has already made up her mind about which liar to believe: Jax. She swears to seek revenge on James, who obviously used her to get approval from the guys. It’s so funny that FOR ONCE James is not doing that!

So many things ridiculous about this dinner! Tom 1 tries to insist all the guys were shorts suits. He is dressed like Fred Flintstone after winning the Powerball, while James is squashed into a hot pink ensemble that makes him look like a Ken Doll. No one else wore their assigned outfits. They eat at a restaurant called “Catch” where someone is surely getting caught in Kristen’s web of rage.

Stassi is in the corner playing Scheana by pretending Patrick cares enough about her to start a fight. He just wanted a reason to escape by creating a ruse to be mad at her so she wouldn’t call him from Mexico. DUH SCHEASSI.


All through dinner Kristen seethes with rage, while Katie, who now has no patience for childishness (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH……. infinity), continually counsels her to calm down. Not happening; not possible, too late. Kristen is waiting for the moment to strike. She is emboldened by Brittany claiming “everybody” heard James admit to hooking up with her, and then she unleashes.


James and Kristen always go WAY too far. Together they are combustible like a match to gasoline. James initially tries to explain, and accepts that if he said they hooked up, it was either a joke or he was just too drunk to make sense, but then he resorts to puerile name-calling and dismisses Kristen as an attention-seeker. Which she is. But so is he.

Kristen responds by threatening James, then throwing her drink in his face, except it lands all over Lala. The whole thing is a mess. Literally. Ugh – that drink toss just felt so premeditated. Katie is right – just get it together girl.


Lala is appalled that Kristen isn’t a bad enough bitch to just physically assault James and is instead hiding behind hydroponic bitchslaps. Katie is appalled by Kristen’s out of control behavior – she should “grow up” and become a married person with a perfect relationship and a sister wife in tow. Stassi is appalled that Lala is defending James because it’s not Kristen’s fault he lied. Are Kristen and James majorly over-reacting because they don’t remember what happen and are worried they have something to feel guilty over?

(Psssst… I totally think Kristen and James hooked up – at least made out! But it’s been fun to play armchair detective.)

Lala Says Raquel Turns A Blind Eye To James’ Behavior Because She Wants To Be On TV


[Photo Credits: Bravo]