Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

Here we are in Copenhagen again on Real Housewives Of Dallas and everyone is still fighting. And they’re also naked and afraid of LeeAnne Locken blackmailing them with videos of their “sunny side up titties” surfacing in the Baltic Sea. Um, sounds … grocer than pickled herring if you ask me!

LeeAnne upset Brandi Redmond (again). Then there were two: Kameron Westcott and D’Andra Simmons. Just when I thought soon there would soon only be 1 remaining after someone went down at the hands of a switchblade stiletto, D’Andra apologizes! Say what?!

Apparently D’Andra does value Kameron’s friendship and she recognizes that she handled her anger all wrong. Kam certainly didn’t apologize for also hurting D’Andra’s feelings. Instead Kameron feels victorious and justified in triumphing against evil, but she did so graciously and they hugged and agreed to be friends again. Alls well that ends well! Until the next morning when Cary Deuber decides the women have two choices: bitches who bike or bitches who boat. This is as long as they’re bitches without besties. That’s right Brandi and Stephanie Hollman are being forcibly pried apart, just as Kameron and LeeAnne aren’t allowed to partner up for the day’s activities. It’s Team Re-Building Time!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Stephanie Hollman Hopes LeeAnne Locken & D’Andra Simmons “Can Work It Out before It’s Too Late”

Brandi is disappointed – she wanted to see LeeAnne on a bike. Like the wicked witch from Wizard Of Oz pedaling to cause a tornado. LeeAnne’s feelings are hurt by the insult (no they weren’t) and she runs out of the room. Brandi doesn’t care. Cause you guys – didn’t you get the memo – Brandi doesn’t care what anyone thinks! (eye roll).


Stephanie tries to console LeeAnne while she cries about how she’s held to a different standard. Why didn’t D’Andra apologize to LEEEEEEAAAAAANE? Stephanie is like “help me Jesus I’ve just been hit by a metaphorical sequined belt. What have I done wrong to summon the devil?!” (A: joined Real Housewives of Dallas!) Let that belt be a towline to sanity and salvation.

Also what does Brandi being rude have to do with D’Andra? What does Brandi being upset have to do with D’Andra? Why is everything in LeeAnne’s life now D’Andra’s fault?

At least there’s a hot boat captain! Swoon. With Rose. Double Swoon. But LeeAnne is sailing that boat on crocodile tears and D’Andra is pretending everything is fiiiine. Fun Fact – they learn that one of the ancient Danish cathedrals has a design of dragon tails spiral around each other up to the top. This should be a teachable moment for Real Housewives everywhere: Use your dragon nature to lift each other up, then choke each other at the top, rather than ripping each other down!

Meanwhile Bitches Who Bike are literally biking through Copenhagen. Fun Fact: Kameron rode a bike cross country?! Other fun fact: Cary dated Lance Armstrong for a year. And then she found Mark at the Round Up?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Cary Deuber In Paris For Fashion Week With Husband Mark Deuber- Photos

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

Then worlds collide when the bikes bump into the boats.  Then Stephanie has to supervise lunch with D’Andra and LeeAnne. Stephanie has no other option than to play mediator and appears to do so with the heavy heart of Why me? Because you’re the only sane one, Steph! Also Travis put “Reunite LeeAnne and D’Andra” on your to do list.

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

I guess they worked things out? Basically they agreed to not to discuss their issues anymore and pretend to love each other until they do. I’m pretty sure D’Andra offered the same apology to LeeAnne that she did to Kameron, and LeeAnne basically repeated a self-help speech she made in 1996 about letting people love you and being willing to lose a tiny piece of your heart to love because in exchange for sentimental bottle caps and moldy wedding invitations in a scrapbook.

After all this heart-warming fun, it seems only just that they all put on traditional Danish costumes to skip to Tivoli Gardens where Kameron found her spirit animal and dream pet, by riding a giraffe Ferris wheel. Carnivals have Cary missing Zuri and they have LeeAnne missing her childhood growing up in American Horror Story Freak Show – conjoined twins and all. Don’t Stephanie and Brandi count as conjoined twins on RHOD?! The other thing Tivoli Gardens has in common with a Texas parking lot carnival was a giant man-eating snake. The trick is to find out which human costume the snake is wearing.

RELATED: Cary Deuber Teases Frustration With Kameron Westcott This Season On Real Housewives Of Dallas; Says D’Andra simmons Has “Life Goal” To Be Queen Of Dallas

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

Over dinner of fried things and beer steins the size of their heads, Cary asks about everyone’s day. Bitches Who Bike had a wonderful time, and thanks to Guru Stephanie, bitches who boat were able to take baby steps towards repairing their friendship. It’s because Stephanie has a peaceful energy, non judgmental, kind, thoughtful, not confrontational… completely differently from her BFF Brandi! Of course Cary had to let Brandi know how LeeAnne’s feelings were hurt by the witch on a bike comment, but alcoholic trumps bike. So Brandi wins the upset wars and will not apologize! Instead of sorry she tells LeeAnne, “I should’ve just called you a wicked bitch.”

Brandi’s doesn’t trust or believe that LeeAnne has changed because she’s seen the viper pattern through LeeAnne’s skin. LeeAnne is still calling Brandi names behind her back, labeling her, spreading rumors, and telling people not to hang out with her. “It’s gonna happen again LeeAnne,” Brandi hisses, “and that’s why I’m done with you.” Hmmm… LeeAnne has done all those things, to both Brandi and D’Andra this season and I actually agree that I do not think LeeAnne has changed. BUT I believe she is making a concerted effort to behave better because it suits her. In short one doesn’t go from his d got sucked at the roundup to a zen mallet! LeeAnne has been saying some pretty unfair stuff about Brandi basically ruining D’Andra’s reputation, etc. Which Brandi doesn’t deserve even if she is pretty awful as well.

RELATED: Cary Deuber Discusses The Drama Between Brandi Redmond & LeeAnne Locken On Real Housewives Of Dallas

So that wrecked dinner! The next day Cary still has the chutzpah to bring these women to her family’s house for a traditional Danish lunch. This is followed by the Danish tradition of swimming naked in the Baltic. Cary knows she doesn’t have to be an advertisement for traveling to Denmark, yah?

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

“It looks like LA,” gushes LeeAnne, seeing the cute Danish house. Or does LA look like Copenhagen, an ancient city… In the middle of the garden party where Kameron is going around telling everyone “Kameron Westcott” like a defective Energizer Bunny a surprise cousin arrives – it’s Zuri! And Mark, of course, because who let’s a 5-year-old travel without a parent! Oh LeeAnne’s mom would have – well, the man-eating snake was babysitting… Of course LeeAnne makes Cary’s family visit all about how she doesn’t have family. Um, LeeAnne we did meet your mom last season, right?

RELATED: Cary Deuber Says Real Housewives Of Dallas Cast Is “Fighting For The Sake Of Fighting”

Cary’s family is so sweet. At lunch  she Facetimes her parents so they can also be part of the reunion. Then it’s time to wash away her tears with a robust swim in the Baltic Sea! Crying causes wrinkles, so lets try some natural cryogenics to freeze them away. Of course LeeAnne does not partake, not wanting to stop crocodile tears ever get ill right before her fashion show.

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

The water is 11c! And everyone but Brandi and Cary go in wearing their swimsuits. Stephanie is traumatized at the thought of seeing her family naked. But she is from Oklahoma, not from one of them liberal European places with funny ideas. “If I saw my parents and my sister and her husband naked, I would literally have to go to therapy for like 15 years,” she laughs. DITTO (no offense mom cause I know you’re reading this!).

But the true star of the show was the infamous “Deuber Dick!” Mark and Cary ran into the middle of the lake and kissed like a comedy routine in a Hallmark movie. And yes, Mark was naked for all the world to see. So round up the eyeballs that have popped out of your heads, ladies! (Gag) And just as a coincidence while Brandi was frolicking about, naked as can be, LeeAnne whipped out her phone at that moment to take a video. “For posterity.” And wouldn’t you just know this turned out to be a major big deal.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Brandi Redmond Worried LeeAnne Locken Alcoholic Accusations Would Disrupt Adoption Of Her Son

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

On the bus Brandi savagely accuses LeeAnne of having plans to use the video against her, but LeeAnne insists she just thought it would be a fun memory. LeeAnne deletes the video with Cary watching, but Brandi swears she saved a copy somewhere.

Hmmm… yeah I don’t know what to think here. I actually don’t believe LeeAnne had any ill-intent in filming the moment. I do think she should’ve asked and I would be nervous if a person I don’t like and didn’t trust had a video of me being naked, although as it was mentioned Brandi is on a reality show and took it off knowing this would be filmed for reality television.

LeeAnne is convinced Brandi is trying to push her to turn into a “dragon” again so she can cry victim and show that LeeAnne hasn’t changed. “Old LeeAnne does exist,” explains LeeAnne, “I just control her better.” Brandi gives as good as she gets, in most cases, and I don’t think she inspires anyone to see her as a victim. She’s pretty much neck and neck with LeeAnne in the low-blows department and except for Stephanie, doesn’t usually have any allies in her corner. Quite the opposite she’s often blamed for everything!

RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Wants Brandi Redmond To “Get Her Own Damn Storyline” On Real Housewives Of Dallas; Claims D’Andra Simmons Tried To Get Her Fired From Another Reality TV Show

Brandi should’ve just let the video thing go for their last dinner so the trip could end on a happy note, but she was hangry over having to non-eat gourmet food again, and this time even the eyes of the dead shrimp were judging Brandi! Kameron is also salty over another meal of Fancy Feast and some sort of living cauliflower bush to dip into it.

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

So while everyone was sharing their favorite memories of Copenhagen, Brandi mixed up the assignment and shared her LEAST FAVORITE moment: that time LeeAnne videoed her naked and will probably claim Oops – the Cloud malfunctioned and now it’s an Insta-story! Or a PSA to the Dallas social scene about what happens when they open their charitable hearts to low-income degenerates. Like look how Brandi ruined D’Andra with her bad influence – she will drown them all in a sea of trashy behavior!

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

Brandi is insistent that LeeAnne has some trick up her sleeve. Stephanie tries to deploy her guru act again, but Brandi is used to it so it’s ineffective. Also Brandi is venomously angry! Like angrier than I’ve ever seen her and it’s kind of surprising. Brandi is kinda overreacting here and she’s been trying to goad LeeAnne for a while, but LeeAnne has also been coming for her all year…


[Photo Credits: Bravo]