No one on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills ever learns. Most of the cast never learns that it is simply not possible to take down Lisa Vanderpump. Sorry, I know your hopes are dashed harder than a broken botox needle, but this is the truth you must accept. You are all middle-aged, even if you’ve had six facelifts, and Lisa is not going to be toppled over defending Dorit Kemsley.
Likewise, Lisa Vanderpump never learns. She never learns that she can simply admit that yeah, she was trying to manipulate, and so what? After Lisa rendered them all impotent of storyline, she could toss a baggie of Viagra on the table, and saunter away; the ruffles on Lisa’s shiny satin blouse shaking as she tried to suppress her chuckles. After 7 seasons of the ‘Take Down LVP agenda’ she remains harder to conquer than the Viet Kong, even though the one tactic LVP has never tried is a strategic fake-out.
So here we are – again – and I cannot believe that for the 3rd episode in a row I have to spend the majority of it talking about a dog. Especially when, based on the bikini, this is the episode where Dorit was chased across the ‘luxury’ pool of this very exclusive report by a spurned business partner turned creditor demanding $300,000 for some stolen bikini designs. While Dorit was actually wearing one of those bikini designs! A bikini she was trying and failing to make fit over her ginormous fake knockers while tripping over inner tubes behind the lifeguard station. Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna and Denise Richards ran with her looking completely confused. NONE OF THIS WAS MENTIONED WHILE THEY WERE ALL STORMING AROUND ACCUSING LVP OF BEING DISHONEST. I mean, literally what in the fuck!?
Dorit is worried that people are gossiping about her dog situation. However, she should be worried about people gossiping about her finances. Or lack thereof! You can see that footage here.
Maybe Dorit figures that if she keeps the focus on how LVP hurt her, she can evade the truth? But how do your friends witness some woman was literally chasing you down demanding money and accusing you of being a con-artist, yet no one asks about it over cocktails?!
We begin the episode after Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave stormed out of dinner after “learning” that LVP was trying to use her to embarrass Dorit. Kyle Richards finds Teddi in the lobby and tells her, of course, Lisa orchestrated this by planning to make sure Teddi found out about Lucy, then hoping that Teddi’s anger with Dorit would propel her to expose and shame Dorit.
The only person looking at this rationally is the woman who reads The Art Of War as a pre-dinner party manual: Camille Grammer. Camille probably recommends this book at every Malibu Divorcee Book Club meeting. Camille Grammer probably consults the annotated memoirs of Josef Stalin before going to Whole Foods. That is why, all these years later, Camille walked away with a premiere divorce settlement, excellent public image, and the best ‘natural’ facelift in the group. Because Camille reads a situation and always sticks to her own instincts.
For day 2’s agenda, the women all split into convenient groups to maximize gossip and shit-stirring. Dorit ends up with Lipsa, Camille, and Denise – a breath of fresh air to Dorit’s fast food farts. Kyle and LVP go shopping. Meanwhile Erika and Teddi, now BFFs, go golfing. Teddi doesn’t golf, and she doesn’t really like Erika, but what’s a girl to do when she’s got an agenda to turn on her friend and needs an indefatigable ally? I mean, we all know Teddi can’t rely on Kyle – no one can! Teddi and Erika spent the entirety of their outing discussing LVP and how she is using Teddi, and Teddi must never waver from her truth.
Erika muses that what LVP is doing to Teddi, to pit her against Dorit, “smells like a setup.” What smells like a set-up is what everyone is doing to LVP. Circling her like wolves.
“You got used,” counsels Erika. “Tell your story… no matter how many times,” as if Teddi is this poor victim. This is escalating so quickly into insanity. It’s like the Twilight Zone. Where the diamonds are suddenly alien brain eaters, who are also able to shape-shift into Chanel bags. Why is there suddenly some enormous conspiracy theory around what LVP did? It’s as if she contrived to assassinate a Louboutin using a Manolo? Why are we supposed to be so wrapped up in this?
Teddi agrees with everything Erika says, insists she’s not a liar at least 16 more times – and this season Erika wholeheartedly agrees – then decides to take action. Action is confronting LVP with proof that one of the Johns (Blizzard) texted her that LVP wants everyone to know about Dorit and Lucy and is asking Teddi to assist in that. But here’s the thing: Teddi’s text and LVP’s texts confirm the same things: 1) Teddi was complicit, and also willing to behave dishonestly for her role on the show and even did so; 2) That on some level LVP did know and was involved. Teddi is adamant that she never repeated anything John told her about Dorit – except she told Kyle at Vanderpump Dogs, then Lipsa.
What Teddi is actually admitting that initially she involved herself. But, then after talking to Lipsa had a reckoning and decided the better course of action was to combine forces with the other women by admitting her involvement to Dorit. I guess this passes for accountability these days?
While Kyle and Lisa are shopping Kyle repeatedly tries to bring up DoritGate but Lisa complains that she just wants to buy some overpriced rhinestone caftans and be left alone. Kyle is annoyed because she’s been deployed for reconnaissance work and LVP is not taking the bait. Again, over lunch, it’s mentioned. This time, rather than listen to Kyle, Lisa is distracted by baby flamingos which make this old bird want to flee the coop (or coup).
LVP does finally concede to Kyle’s constant badgering, but is adamant she did not try to implicate Teddi in a Dorit set-up and that John – the other one, Sessa – came right out and told her HE is the one who conspired to bring Lucy out at Vanderpump Dogs that day. We also learn John Sessa is not LVP’s employee, but her business partner. Honestly, anyone who thinks LVP can control her employees has not been watching Vanderpump Rules for the last 10,000 years – the proof is in the pudding Teddi would never eat!
In the last group, Dorit takes everyone snorkeling but there were no fish. Still – there’s definitely something fishy! The only person trying to catch it though is Camille. Camille comes right out and tells Dorit that the problem is that she told Lisa after dumping Lucy. Given that this was the second dog she ditched also claiming it bit her children, Camille can understand why LVP is angry. Lipsa can’t – Dorit was defending her CHILDREN!!!!!!!
As Camille points out, though, if Dorit and LVP really “speak all the time” there was ample time to mention that Lucy is biting… BEFORE randomly giving her away to a mystery woman, without proper vetting, and then calling LVP once the deed is done. That smacks of a coverup the way a puppy pad tries to cover the scent of dog turds.
“Everyone is talking about what Lisa Vanderpump did, but what about what Dorit did here? ‘I’m gonna give the dog away and tell you after…” That’s a bit shady,” Camille muses. No one wants to hear what Camille has to say though, because they’re too busy wrapped up in the web of Lipsa’s vendetta.
Back in their rooms before dinner, Kyle calls Mauricio to have phone sex about the new billion dollar Rolex she bought. To replace all the jewels that were heisted. How nice … I wonder if Dorit did the same?
LVP meanwhile decides to call Teddi to try to talk things out, one-on-one. Teddi comes banging on LVP’s door like the Accountability Dictator, demanding an apology for being ‘set-up.’ Was she confused and auditioning for Jillian Michael’s vacated spot on The Biggest Loser (yes, I know that show has been canceled)?
Teddi presents LVP with her “proof” – some screenshots of a portion of a text feed with John Sessa – and Lisa is like um… hmmm… well I never said that so it’s basically John’s word against mine. Next Teddi barges into Dorit’s room with this same proof and complains that LVP tried to drag her into exposing Dorit, but she refused. Dorit is grateful and at a loss for what to think of her so-called friend.
When none of this forces LVP to admit her manipulation, Teddi complains to Kyle that she just can’t trust Lisa anymore and will not be acting like everything is fine when she knows Lisa is lying. Essentially Teddi doesn’t want to take accountability.
Why can’t LVP just come right out and say, “Yes Teddi – I was mad at Dorit for being a total and complete self-absorbed asshole and I decided I wanted her exposed, so I asked my staff to mention it on TV. I shouldn’t have involved you in this – and I’m sorry, but I did.” Literally, no one would know how to react, they would be forced to completely recalibrate their entire storyline this season. Surely LVP knows this is all she has to do?
Over dinner, LVP is completely ignored and feeling as “unwanted as a turd in a swimming pool.” Denise is annoyed – she has no idea what anyone is even mad about and she just wants a cheeseburger, instead of fancy cuisine. “I prefer the kids menu,” she laughs Everyone else prefers the kid’s table.
Teddi is so furious she won’t even toast LVP during the group toast. To prove that she won’t back down, Teddi apologizes again to Dorit and brings up the texts from John. Instead of engaging LVP, who has to be up at 4 am for her flight home to host an event, leaves the table, which has Lipsa spinning out of control about how this is the season they say “enough is enough!” She has flashbacks of being used in Munchausen-gate years ago and is enraged that Kyle won’t confront Lisa, but Kyle refuses.
Erika offers to pay Denise $1,00o to go knock on LVP’s door to ask her why she’s trying to manipulate everyone. Still, Denise is thus far forging her own path. Even though Erika insists she has the money in her wallet right now. Well, she better hold onto that…
Camille, however, mentions that every single woman at this table has spread rumors and gossip, done and said mean things – including Lipsa herself – so maybe they just need to drop it and move on. Yeah, but without LVP these people literally have no storyline except their financial failures and diets. Instead, everyone decides to go out, and big time whoop it up, to celebrate.
Courtesy of an inebriated, intoxicated with her own hubris, Lipsa we also got a glimpse of what HarryHamlin goes to bed with every night. No wonder he spends so much time in Canada! Kyle is on two hours of sleep when she meets LVP for their 4 am flight. All LVP wants to talk about is the Lucy drama while Kyle tries not to hangover vomit into the bag containing her new Rolex.
Camille is like Dorit you look crazy and are so weird… who do you think believes your nonsense? Get me out of here!
For the remainder of the women, Dorit hosts a farewell breakfast in her room and answers the door looking like a cracked out Mrs. Roper. Denise openly laughs at her get-up and shrugs that these women are lucky she put on a bra. Obviously, everyone spends the entire time discussing LVP.
Back home in Beverly Hills, Ken Todd also has receipts: print out of texts in a font old men can read sans magnifying glass or readers that shows Teddi was complicit with one of the Johns and agreed to be part of a sting operation at Vanderpump Dogs to help expose Dorit by identifying Lucy.
Ken is not winning an Academy Award for Best Dramatic Recitation of A Text Battle, but he is winning for Most Supportive Husband On A Reality Show. Lisa pretends to be gobsmacked as if she’s never seen these texts – which came from business partner John – but we know she has. The bottom line is that Teddi was complicit in the setup until she wasn’t.
Also, I’m tried of talking about Lucy already! Last season Dorit told us creating Beverly Beach was about constructing a fabulous fantasy world where cosmopolitan chicness meets invisible beach life, or whatever. In a way, Dorit accomplished that – she has been living in a fantasy world of her and PeeKray’s imaginary wealth and prestige, and now that mansion of flimsy bikinis is coming untied. Because what about this fantasy world involves being tailed around the world by creditors suing you? We want to see THOSE receipts, Bravo!
TELL US – TEAM TEDDI OR TEAM LVP?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]