Denise Richards & Aaron Phypers

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: To Infinity And Beyond

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills episode Denise Richards got married under the paparazzi while Lisa Vanderpump got divorced from the rest of the cast over the paparazzi. You know, just another day in LA!

Of course, this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is about a dog while having nothing to do with a dog. It’s about so much more than that, obviously, but the prevailing thing is that I can’t rally behind the unraveling of something which attempts to paint Dorit Kemsley (who’s one step away from taking her phony accent and tacky clothes to debtors prison) as the victim. She’s not, no matter how many times Dorit asks, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall: whose the most victimized of them all?” Obviously, the mirror always answers Lucy, but Dorit routinely pretends not to hear things she doesn’t understand or like.

So as I write this recap, drinking beer from a champagne boat, channeling my inner January Jones , I am pondering why Bravo always gives a platform to these phony grifters with no sense of shame? Like I noticed when Dorit was speaking to Patrick Muldoon her accent disappeared!

Yet I’m also trying this thing where I remember that the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills are real people. Denise helps that. She is so completely used to living in front of the tabloids, with her life on display that she’s unfazed walking down the ‘aisle’ in something a 17-year-old would consider the hottest prom look ever. Or saying vows in front of an infinity symbol constructed from pink and red roses (carnations?) which had me also thinking of prom.

But Denise is a woman who’s learned superficial stuff doesn’t matter, so she’s become someone who plans a wedding in 2 days, invites Charlie Sheen even if he wants to bring a prostitute as his date, lets her daughter wear sneakers,  shows up an hour and a half late and doesn’t care if the guests have already left, forgets to tell her kids she’s getting married until literally the day before, and lets Aaron Phypers see her in her dress, because why the hell not?

Denise also invited her ex-boyfriend Patrick Muldoon, a guy who also f–ked Lisa Rinna at the same time he was doing Denise! I mean, given all this insanity we should probably consider ourselves lucky that Denise didn’t flash the hovering paparazzi from the altar! Which probably ONLY didn’t happen because rompers make that an engineering impossibility. So this is Denise, who says she will not let Aaron divorce her even if things get rocky, because like duh – infinity means forever. Sort of like adopting a rescue dog means forever!

Anyway, I so far love Denise. I especially love Denise for having the most ramshackle wedding ever that still totally upstaged Kyle Richards‘ Agency anniversary party so that no Bravo cameras were present to film Kyle’s event. So thanks, Denise! Cause your pastor’s “FBI: Firm Believer In Jesus” hat sure beats one from The Agency worn with a kaftan.

Erika Jayne

Moving right along, Erika Jayne is going on tour. She’ll visit 17 cities over the course of 19 years and the Real Housewives will be ordered to visit one of them to gush about how Erika shaking her vagina is so powerful that they’re all getting the word “cunty” tattooed in rhinestones on the backs of their heads. Whatever with this shit!

I think it’s fine and whatever that as a middle-aged woman Erika is promoting sexuality not being dead, but enough with this pseudo women’s empowerment schtick derived from literally selling your body parts as sex objects. Bravo continually pushes this warped version of so-called feminism. The current worst offenders being Erika and Lala Kent from Vanderpump Rules. Ladies – being a hooker for your “art” is a tale as old as time – you’re not revolutionaries, and it will be gross and pathetic for infinity!

Seriously it’s like Erika wants us to believe she’s Madonna (who would not get kicked of DWTS in week 2) except Madonna called from a bus station pay phone circa 1984 to remind Erika that she made her OWN career, and didn’t have it funded by some geriatric sugar daddy wanting to brag about his hot wife. That’s not leaning in, it’s leaning all the way to the left into repression.

Erika and Mikey plus glamsquad meet for a Pat The Puss Tour planning session. It featured Erika wearing a Kim Zolciak wig with a pink flight suit while shrieking “YAAAAAAAAS” crotchless rhinestone onesies.

Lisa Rinna, meanwhile, is over at QVC hustling cheap ‘dusters’ to fund her daughters Instagram modeling careers. She interrupts her Motel 6 hotel stay to call Denise and reassure her that she wouldn’t miss this train wreck of a wedding for the world. I mean, Lisa will do anything for a dollar – except sacrifice witnessing another moment where LVP may be accused of something. Edited to add: I prefer duster hustling to puss patting any day!

Lisa Vanderpump

LVP is hustling only for a kitchen that makes her happy. So what do you get the woman who has everything? A bright cheerful $300k pink kitchen that coordinates with her husband’s sparkling silver belt. LVP drags Ken to Home Depot where a polo-shirted employee shows her the schematics featuring marble-look formica on a desktop computer while Ken mumbled about budgets and Giggy being blinded by too much chrome. Because come on – Lisa wears all the pants including his, so happy wife, happy life, and wallets in the back pocket!

I am with Lisa – a dark kitchen is no place to make chicken soup. Cooking is dreadful and if one is forced to do it, they must have a cheerful pleasing environment in which to do it.

Kyle meets Dorit and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave to buy a wedding gift for Denise. After much discussion about how to face LVP at the wedding, and Teddi promising that even she wouldn’t have the indecency to ruin someone’s wedding – just their 50th birthday party – over doggy drama, they agree on a $600 crystal ice bucket and shot glass set. Teddi and Kyle agree to split it while Dorit, I noticed, demurred that she would buy them a bottle of tequila instead. Why Dorit… are you a gal on a budget?!

Kyle Richards

Kyle believes she can broker peace between Lisa and Teddi. Since Beverly Hills is Kyle’s town she’s the diplomat for resolution of social gaffes. Gaffes such as possibly manipulating your made-for-tv friend of convenience into embarrassing your former friend of convenience using the text prowess of a 22-year-old famewhore employee, who is also friends with said fake friend’s brother because the brother wants to be on TV and is dating the famewhore’s co-star. Who obviously Never. Ever. mentioned Dorit’s dog drama to her kinda half-sister-in-law. I mean, nope!

Anyway, Kyle calls LVP to see how she feels about a peer mediation session with Teddi, but LVP is only focusing on happy things since she’s still dealing with grief. Teddi is also not interested. She’s already said her peace and doesn’t want to get called out or possibly implicated in any other fibs or embellishments.

Then it’s wedding day! Erika picks-up Lipsa wearing a black jumpsuit from the Lisa Rinna QVC collection. Lipsa acted like she saw Jesus in that moment. I have no idea how Erika was able to distract Mikey in order to purchase this. Maybe she sent him to Fredrick’s of Hollywood to find costume inspiration? Or put him in a temporary coma after giving him the vapors with the scent of LVP sangria?

Lisa Rinna

In the limo to the wedding, Erika and Lipsa discuss what else: LVP and doggate!  Lipsa muses that all that matters is that Lucy is safe so she hopes they never have to discuss the matter again. Then why keep bringing it up???? #Kyle That was obviously intended to be foreshadowing, because every housewife spent the episode saying this very thing.

Since Denise is late, and the wedding is outside, everyone was loitering around the open bar literally melting like witches near sprinklers. The $50 QVC jumpsuit Erika bought from Lipsa fit her better than the thousand dollar jumpsuit she wore in the Erika Jayne Blow Up Doll Tour planning session, but the poly-blend provided no breathability so Erika got heat stroke and died on the Malibu Trail. Next time wear a pat the puss costume – the crotch flaps let the air circulate.

Erika was complaining about how crappy the material was on national TV, yet no one was screaming about how she is trying to ruin Lipsa’s brand and image.

Dorit Kemsley

Teddi and Dorit fret about how LVP will approach them, but she breezed in offering Beverly Hills air kisses, acting as if nothing was wrong. LVP is here for the purpose of celebrating Denise. It grows more necessary to get along the longer they wait in the sweltering late-afternoon heat with only an open bar for salvation.

All seems fine, but Dorit would still like an apology from LVP so she can begin the long slow process of starting to trust her again. Excuse me… WTF. DORIT IS NOT A VICTIM. Dorit is a liar and fraud, and I am still wondering why we haven’t seen photos of this mysterious woman who adopted Lucy? Dorit, like Teddi, keeps changing her stories. Like today, Dorit put up all these posts showing Lucy interacting with her children and home to prove that she was not locking the dog in the basement. These photos also seem to indicate, at least circumstantially, that Lucy was no threat to her children, nor an out of control dog biting people!

Denise Richards

Half the women need to leave by 4pm, but Denise isn’t getting married for them or TV, so she shows up at 3:30, walks down the aisle to a metal song, and says “I do” as the housewives wave at the paparazzi helicopters then filter out seconds after the ceremony wrapped. They are all very busy people. Especially Dorit! She must go home to attend to her GoogleAlerts.

In what is possibly the fakest scene ever acted on this show, Dorit pretends to be having a chat with PK when the alert pops up with a tabloid story about how Dorit gave the dog away and LVP is very hurt. Dorit and PK decide that since the word “nip” was used in the article – a British word which Dorit, who is not British despite her half-ccent has NEVER used –  it was clearly planted by LVP.

Dorit Kemsley

“This is betrayal on another level,” bemoans Dorit. Yeah, sure.

I don’t know who is to blame for the tabloids. I don’t know that I care. RadarOnline denies that Lisa sold them the story, but said another Housewife did. PK was wearing his taking care of bid-ness black turtleneck, so maybe it was him. Dorit was wearing a robe that looked like Jackson Pollack mated with an acid trip and came to vomiting colors. That doesn’t prove anything except that Dorit is an idiot with bad taste who will buy anything from the consignment store boasting a designer label. She will tell us that robe was Missoni. A genuine factory reproduction specially made by hand in Chinatown by human labor.

Anyway, I have no sympathy for Dorit or PK being made to look bad, and I’m actually going to be glad when LVP leaves this show. Let’s see what happens when they’re all standing on their own two feet.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]