Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Runaway Train Of Truth

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills celebrated Culture Club, and the CULT in cult-ture that is Lisa Vanderpump. They’re all desperately trying to leave, but they can’t escape the pink porcelain urns. Or rely on PK Kemsley to stick to the plan!

The first thing we have to discuss, though, which I really do not want to discuss, is Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave allowing Portia and Slade to be models for a ‘kids makeup line’ called “Petite & Pretty.” Which sounds like how a cougar would describe themselves on Tinder, and is being marketed to trailer parks in Alabama where people dream of turning their daughters into Honey Boo Boo

Kyle thinks it’s fine. After all Portia has goals! To be either a makeup artist (which is fine) or a YouTube star (not fine.) Even Kathy Hilton had higher exceptions for their daughters. At least go the Lisa Rinna direction and aim for Instagram Super Model, but YouTube star?

Kyle Richards & Portia

While their daughters are learning to contour their baby fat, Kyle shows Teddi the bridesmaid dress Camille Grammer picked. “I can’t wear a cap sleeve,” bemoans Kyle… Only kaftans! Camille so chose that matronly David’s Bridal looking Mother Of The Groom contraption on purpose, but it frees up some of Kyle’s caftans to be turned into tents which she’ll need for the upcoming RV trip. Yes, now we have to laugh at Teddi being SO down to earth!So awww shucks mom that she owns an RV and needs Kyle’s 9-year-old daughter to put on her makeup. Sucks to be you Teddi – you’ve been usurped by Denise Richards!

Lipsa is wearing leopard every single scene this season to remind us that a leopard doesn’t change her spots. As Lisa later tells us, “I’m just an asshole with iconic hair and big lips.” And dusters on QVC. And Xanax named HarryHamlin (smoothies are so The Valley). Bored, Lipsa calls Erika Girardi, who’s on tour in New Jersey, so they can talk about how they don’t want to talk about LVP. Lipsa is disappointed LVP abandoned them without trying to have a conversation about what happened – aka why is she bailing before they can group confront her?!

Look, here’s my issue with this attitude: Lisa is still grieving. It would be fine, in a normal season, to expect her to woman-up to fulfill her contractural obligation to our need for drama, but I’m giving homegirl a pass this season and paying a coach $50k to pretend she’s on the rowing team.

Denise Richards

Denise and Aaron are just like us! They wakeup at 5am every day, have sex and workout before coffee. Denise, delirious from lack of caffeine, has the ingenious idea that she can use mediation skills she learned divorcing Charlie Sheen on LVP and the other women. Then Denise cries beside the elliptical machine worried that she screwed up her kids by marrying Charlie in the first place. Hindsight is 20/20 aka Aaron’s ass in bike shorts.

Denise doesn’t want to carry any bones, she wants to carry casts –  which all the ladies will sign with messages of love, including LVP. I believe Denise has good intentions, but … these bitches will break your highheel faster than you can say “excuse me” simply to avoid you chasing down their dirt! I do adore Denise though, and Aaron too.

Lisa Vanderpump

Denise puts her idea into action by inviting LVP to lunch. LVP presumes this is a chance to advertise the forgotten child, Villa Blanca catch-up lunch with a friend so she brings Denise’s wedding gift – pink porcelain vases. So elegant, yet highly fragile and confusing! Sort of like LVP herself. Denise tries to convince LVP that the women still love her, and to give them another chance – or at least hear Goodbyle out. Lisa remains adamant that if someone loves you – especially someone who is supposed to be your BFF – they wouldn’t believe you’d do something nasty to another friend. Also if they were really your friend they’d respect that you’re grieving, while simultaneously under a lot of business pressure PLUS remodeling a kitchen!

Dorit Kemsley hauls her children to Kyle’s house, then leaves them upstairs, unattended, with lollipops while she goes outside to drink wine and talk shit about LVP. Everything Dorit learned about motherhood she learned form watching this instructional documentary called 16 And Pregnant, and it was marvelously informative! As Kyle’s dogs wreak havoc, Dorit laments that they’re like children: things to be ignored, then pawned off on nannies while you change your hairstyle and your bikini top and call it ‘running an international business.’

Kyle Richards

Dorit and Kyle are now distressed LVP is ignoring them. They expect Denise to talk some sense into Lisa about how irrational she’s being by refusing to accept responsibility, then avoiding them. “Denise has some experience with similar personalities,” decides Dorit, “i.e. her ex-husband.” Yes – Dorit and Kyle, getting drunk on a random afternoon, are now comparing LVP to Charlie Sheen. As Kyle explains, “They’re both Virgos, and Virgos tend to be ‘me, me me, me…'” What about Kyle’s? Are they not me, me, me, me… Just so you know, Dorit still considers herself the victim here.

Then the ladies meet at Teddi’s house to go to The Greek for a Boy George concert. Erika is in town for less than 10-hours in between tour stops, so she strolls, in notices the inflatable bull in Teddi’s backyard and comments that it reminds her of the time she rode one at her great-grandmother’s funeral. “Best night of my life,” she quips. So, uh, sorry Tom! Erika is now working this act as a bawdy Countess Lu’s Cabaret character, I see. I also predict that in 15 years this will be Scheana Marie.

Lipsa is the first one to wonder why LVP is missing her BFF PK’s, special event. Is it because Dorit didn’t invite her perhaps? Dorit would never want to make LVP feel excluded…  This prompts a ‘palooza of who invited LVP where and to what!

Teddi invited LVP on the RV trip, because she wants to make clear that she has no ill-feelings towards her. Even though, you know, she so does. Lipsa invited her to the Lois dinner, and received a civil reply, which proves all is not lost! Unless thy name is GOODBYLE RICHARDS. 

That prompts Kyle to confront Camille about pretendeding not to know LVP was invited to the shower, but Camille just shrugs it off. . I love how the second Camille gets married she turns into Season 1 Camille. As if men lead her to the darkside, but this is clearly her best side and the side I most want to see anyway, so marry on and bust a cap sleeve in Kyle’s style!

Dorit and PK are running around doing important ‘managing Boy George stuff’ when PK makes an exciting announcement: he phoned “Kenny” and they had a positive chat, so they’re gonna meet for dinner. PK doesn’t mention how he handily threw Goodbyle and Teddi under the RV. Dorit gets so excited it’s as if The Bellagio agreed to forgive all their debts! Wasn’t Dorit just comparing LVP to Charlie Sheen, now she’s shouting with glee that LVP may give her another chance? But how about ol’ PK with the trump move – down, but never out! #winning

Backstage as Teddi mixes crappy margaritas and Erika waxes poetic about how fabulous her own green room is, Boy George appears, followed by Billy Idol, who seems to have no idea how he ended up around all these geriatric groupies creaming their Depends. Erika probably expected Billy to recognize her as THE Erika Jaye, inventor of female sexuality, but he only shook her hand and quickly moved to hide behind China Chow. Everyone got way more excited about Teddi being the daughter of John Mellencamp.

While Teddi ditched her screaming toddler to see an aging icon (I feel you girl LOL), Denise stays home for family night. Besides she has Charlie drama. Again. As always. He’s on his 14th attorney since their divorce and filed a petition to reduce child support because he’s so broke. They had no prenup, but Denise opted not to take half of everything because “I’m ain’t a greedy f–king whore.” In retrospect Denise realizes she should’ve because then Charlie wouldn’t have been literally blowing their daughters’ inheritance on hookers and blow.

I love Denise. I love that she made Dorit sit on a blanket so she wouldn’t get dog hair on her fancy redneck tuxedo. I love that she went to lunch with LVP with her hair pulled back in a a claw clip and ordered tequila. I love that she probably put the $400 porcelain vase in Eloise’s room (and that LVP would love that). I love that she blows off stupid RHOBH events to hang out at home, because after attending the Vanity Fair Oscar Party a time or two, Boy George is yesterday’s Celebrity Big Brother (but still an amazing and endearing entertainer). Also maybe Aaron’s numerology, conducted by counting his bicep muscles, then adding that to the amount of tequilas he drank last week, subtracted by the times Denise (and everyone on this show said “Charlie Sheen“), then multiplied by orgasms in December and finally divided by the shards of a broken porcelain vase, predicted that it would end badly with Kyle caterwauling in a parking lot over LVP.

Kyle Richards - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

So, yeah, that’s pretty much what happened! After they danced up a storm to George singing with Gladys Knight, they went backstage and got in an argument about LVP. It started out with Kyle whining to George that she’d be afraid to interact with fans for fear that they’d hurt her. PK, annoyed that Kyle is being a buzzkill (and blaming her -not Dorit – for the LVP debacle), tells Kyle, “You can’t even get along with your best friend, so you could have issues.” And like Gladys crooned, “The truth is a runaway train” so they’re off!

PK Kemsley

Kyle freaks out that PK dare suggest that the issues with LVP are HER fault. She got in a fight with LVP defending Dorit! PK insists it was a joke, but everyone’s tired of “British Humor’. Also PK is so taking the brunt of Kyle’s rage and frustration towards Lisa.

Kyle responds by doing one of the very thing she is mad at LVP forstorming out of the greenroom in a flurry of fury. Irony by Bravo! Teddi decides PK’s “jab” was obviously the result of Ken manipulating PK into hating and blaming Kyle. LOL LOL LOL LOL. Girl… please get a dictionary to learn the definition of “accountability,” because you seem to be misusing that concept an awful lot.

Lipsa knows PK wasn’t joking. Lipsa knows because “one shit-stirrer to another,” she understands how shit-stirrers stir. And it’s not with anything found in their kitchens! I love how candid she is about this! I bet there’s a chapter dedicated to this in Rinnovation.

Poor Dorit is forced to stay behind and teach PK an important lesson about other people’s feelings. She puts on Sesame Street on, takes notes, then goes outside to calm Kyle down. She finds all the women in the parking lot, having a a total meltdown over PK’s “jab.”

Dorit agrees PK said something very insensitive, and completely understands why Kyle’s feelings are hurt, but insists PK truly is less useful than a box of expired crackers, so it’s best to ignore him. Dorit is actually doing a decent job of sounding logical, so Teddi keeps interjecting to talk about Teddi and how she was hurt by LVP and how Teddi feels about the situation that has nothing to do with Teddi. “Know It all Teddi strikes again,” muses an exasperated Camille.

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

“Let me speak to Kyle for 30 seconds, ” Dorit barks, to shut Teddi up. Then Teddi sulks about not getting to manipulate the conversation to talk about being manipulated. Again. Teddi blames Dorit’s reaction on being consumed by fighting with Kyle over whose LVP’s better friend when neither of them even like her any way. Teddi is not wrong, but time and place, Teddi. Time, and place. I think Teddi is just jealous she has to share Kyle with Dorit.

Kyle insists her argument with LVP was entirely about protecting Dorit and Teddi from the Vanderpumpian Monster who lords over the rosè wine cellars.”No,” Dorit counters, “Your fight is about your own personal experiences.” That is the single most valid thing Dorit ever said, like a ghost with a psychology degree took over her body?

Dorit Kemsley

KYLE is projecting her baggage onto Dorit and Teddi, and using them to validate her reasons for having issues with Lisa. Kyle is the one who obsessively mentions LVP and keeps the focus on her – and she has talked about the dog situation the most! Now Kyle is badgering everyone for info about LVP and whining about being left out of LVP’s life! This dog issue would’ve been squashed entirely if it weren’t for Kyle, and she’s now afraid that she’ll become ‘The New LVP’ if Dorit and PK rejoin forces with Lisa and turn on Kyle. Kyle’s also pissed she didn’t force Mauricio to call Ken first! He was too busy with The Amaaaaazgency.

I’ll tell you what’s more annoying than puppygate though – it’s when PK and Dorit speak the truth. Although it is oddly vindicating that even THEY see through Kyle’s BS!

Ultimately Kyle decides that with the Kemsleys potentially poised for reconcillation with the Vanderpump-Todds she best keep them on her good side, so she forgives PK. Dorit apologies to Teddi. What a way to ruin a fun night, KYLE!

Maybe the absence of The Camille Grammer Dance was the bad omen, because with LVP not around they sure turned on each other quick!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]