Last night was the weirdest, most insanely random episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills ever! This is RHOBH without a common enemy to direct all their wrath and delusions onto. I dunno — I loved it!
Dorit Kemsley shows up in a redneck tuxedo to Denise Richards‘ house to drink double vodka tonics at 2 in the afternoon and talk motherhood. (Denise had water since she had to pick her daughter up from school) Ha! Motherhood was about 2% of their conversation the rest was all Lisa Vanderpump. Denise liked Dorit immediately when she met her, and found her very warm and kind. That’s Dorit’s ruse — everyone feels that way about her. Initially.
Denise counsels Hollywood neophyte Dorit about handling close friends betraying you to the tabloids. When Denise was going through her divorce she actually used to run sting operations on confidantes by sharing something with them to see if it would wind up in the press, and that was how she knew who was a true friend. Despite LVP ruining her reputation, eviscerating her belief in friends, and making her question all of humanity, Dorit still wants their friendship back. Denise believes that – with time – Dorit can eventually forgive her.
Um, Denise, I love you, but girl… think logically about what you are subscribing to here? Dorit’s reason for being ‘betrayed’ makes ZERO sense. She is the one who betrayed Lisa, and the Vanderpump Dogs Foundation! Now I know John Sessa with his bodysuits and Ken-Doll plastic face is too much to bear, and it makes us allllll beleaguered on the plight of the Vanderpump, but Dorit is hitched to PeeKaay, a giant balloon of failure who probably slowly emits farts as he walks past people, then when caught blames Dorit for making him eat a dill. Anyway, the moral of this little paragraph is that Dorit is no victim, and is completely utterly untrustworthy and full of herself. Also who drinks a double V&T for lunch? Denise even put out snacks, even though she knew Dorit wouldn’t eat them. Hmmm…
Camille Grammer is so lucky to have an amaaaaaazing friend like Kyle Richards who throws her beautiful bridal showers full of all Kyle’s own friends, but here we are at a fancy restaurant where everything is white and Kyle is prancing around in an ugly, unflattering pink dress. That’s some interesting imagery considering… (God, I love diving deep in pseudo conspiracy theories on this show!).
I swear Kyle only threw this shower as an excuse to smuggle The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick back onto this show because you KNOW Faye is not friends with Camille! Kyle probably wanted Faye to say something to LVP so she could sit back with that mock horror face she does, hiding behind her napkin and smiling uncomfortably, then waiting ’til all the damage had been done to interject as a ‘friend.’ And Dorit could do her signature Open-Mouth Shock Look. Be careful, girls, a PeeKay might fly in there!
But alas, LVP didn’t even show up! Kyle even set a place card for her, right across from Camille. And just when 3/4 of the guests were wearing pink too. Apparently, LVP did not RSVP, but Kyle still presumed she was coming due to her good friendship with Camille. Camille feels LVP is trying to avoid the other women and she’s disappointed by her absence – especially considering that LVP kept counseling Camille not to let anyone see you quake during her divorce from Kelsey. Camille decides to text LVP and say that she was missed, which infuriates Lisa Rinna who demands everyone stop with the “passive aggressive bullshit” and get honest. Hmmm… who have been the passive aggressive ones?
Erika Girardi is also not in attendance. That is because she’s in nonstop rehearsal for the Erika Jayne 17 city tour. It takes a lot of practice to perfect rolling around on the floor and crawling. (rolling my eyes!). I am so tired of Erika’s pretentious lectures for how to do life right. First of all, she is acting like this tour is an international year-long event. How many cities do real professionals – like say Brittney Spears – do?
“Just follow your dreams,” Erika instructs us, “and have a kick ass checkbook.” Yes, the road to following your passion is certainly WIDE OPEN, if your legs are also WIDE OPEN to geriatric rich guys! <<Mary does an arrogant champagne sip to punctuate how glorious her point is>> Then as if one of “her gays” wants to knock some sense into her, he accidentally knees Erika in the head as she’s crawling around, teaching us how to embrace sexuality. Erika saw stars, but yaaaaaaas! She’s a professional and yaaaaaaas! the show must go on! The show of phony expertise, she means. Even Mikey looked annoyed and bored. Denise’s Mikey never looks bored!
Meanwhile, LVP is demoing the kitchen at Villa Rosa. GOOOOODBYYYYE KYLE DEMONS! LVP takes a sledgehammer to the area of the countertop where Kyle accused her of lying, and it felt cathartic. Then LVP and Ken bumble into the catering kitchen to mix tea with wine and call it vitamins.
Lipsa’s mom Lois visits. Lois is 90-going-on-91 and still amazing. Naturally, Lipsa and the girls drag Lois to some pseudo-health spa for vitamin drips to give her the ‘true LA experience’ as if Lois has been a cloistered nun for the last 50 years. “It’s probably all BS but I will buy it quicker than anybody,” Lipsa guffaws. Yes, her and Kyle both!
There they all discuss the Kavanaugh hearings, which has Harry obsessed. Lipsa 100% believes Christine Blasey Ford, and is horrified that this vulnerable woman is now being made fun of and questioned. “It’s really f–ked up!” No arguments from me there, but no offense – hasn’t Lipsa been guilty of doing this very thing to other women on her show? Am I reaching? Of course, I’m referring to Yolanda Foster here, so I mean, LOL #NoVictim
Oh, Kyle lives such an exciting life! After her show was canceled Kyle’s sisters Kathy Hilton and Kim Richards are speaking to her again. Which is just hilarious. Although isn’t Kyle making another show about sisters who own dueling real estate agencies? So their relationship will probably
wind up in litigation be short-lived.
Then Kyle unveils her newest waste of money: the Vanderhaul. She just can’t stop obsessing about all things Vander… Kyle describes her new toy as a “luxury go-kart” that was “cheaper than a vintage Jag.” OMG, Kyle, WOOOOOW! AMAAAAZING. You’re SOOOO RICH. And successful. Look at all the status symbols!
Then Kyle, helicopter mom without a helicopter (yet!) puts Portia in that thing to drives to the grocery store. Kyle lets Portia walk around the store, unattended, filling up her own basket with snacks, and then at the checkout realizes there’s no room in the little cart for the food, so Portia has to ride with it under her legs. You know, Kyle got rid of it already and is already purchasing a blimp with The Agency logo on it, which she’ll try to land on the roof of Whole Foods.
Finally, Lipsa hosts a dinner at Il Cielo for all her friends and Lois. The main attraction, however, is the miniature Hermes bag Lipsa paid $5k for. Um, I’m pretty sure the good people at Hermes duped her into buying an American Girl accessory. Anyway, Kyle is impressed. So that’s something!
Denise spends all of the dinner looking bored. Literally, like why the f–k am I here when I could be at home, boning Aaron underneath the security cameras to the sound of the ocean waves, and then drinking tequila highballs on the terrace? They don’t even have booze at this restaurant, only wine. Also, I just love Denise so much because she orders pizza for dinner and everyone tries not to look shocked! Lipsa tries to protect Denise from scrutiny by making a big deal about her own salted fish entree. OMG you guys it’s a salted fish! A fish covered in salt! Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing.
The first thing out of Kyle’s mouth is to ask if Camille heard from LVP regarding the shower. Camille is really up to her Season 1 tricks again, and I’m gaga for it, because LVP told Camille she didn’t come to the shower because she wasn’t invited, and instead of Camille defending Kyle, she claimed she had no idea, and was sorry she didn’t receive the invitation. Kyle is outraged at being blamed. Kyle whips out her phone to prove she sent a textssss invitation to LVP, but we know how unreliable text information is with this group! Also -isn’t it pretty tacky to send bridal shower invites via text? That’s so Kyle, though. Then Kyle makes a big stink about how much she hates liars, which is why she’s rekindling a friendship with The Morally Corrupt Brandi Glanville.
LVP revealed in her blog that she blocked Kyle’s number and therefore never received her textvitation. Oops!
Denise, that pizza is the only thing keeping you sane while you have to endure Lipsa and Camille arguing over politics. Actually, I found this really riveting, exciting, and also strangely VERY real. Even though she herself has been a victim of sexual assault, Camille doesn’t emphatically believe Dr. Ford. Camille compares what she sees as Kavanaugh being wrongly accused to the smear campaign she endured in her divorce from Kelsey. NO, CAMILLE. NO. NO. NO. NO. “It isn’t about you, Camille,” scoffs Lipsa, “this is about a much-bigger thing!” Indeed.
Then in the middle of this bust-up, Kyle stands up with an exciting announcement: Kim Richards is in this very restaurant! Sitting downstairs with an unidentified man, watching them! Everyone stands up and wave like they’re actually excited to see for the inevitable return of KimKillah Rambles Richards. And who was this manfolk?! Kim’s babysitter?
You just know Kyle invited Kim on purpose to try and upset Lipsa. Or Kim is just stalking Housewives now? Then Kyle also spots Kathy downstairs. She starts practically running down the stairs as Kathy practically runs out of the restaurant to escape either Kyle or the Bravo cameras (probably both).
On her way back upstairs Kyle finds Camille bawling her eyes out with embarrassment over how emotional she was over Kavanaugh and fighting with Lipsa about it. Camille still has so many unresolved feelings about her divorce that she’s taking them out on the MeToo Movement or something. Kyle, shockingly, gives her good advice to go back upstairs, have fun, and let it go with a quick apology. After all, Big Kathy always told them never to talk politics. Or anything of substance!
Then through her tears, Camille asks Kyle to be her bridesmaid, which is so random and hilarious. And isn’t it a bad omen when someone sobbing about fighting with another friend asks you be in their wedding? Camille and Lipsa make amends, then everyone decides to leave this dreadful dinner. On their way downstairs, Lipsa completely ignores Kim who is saying hello to Camille. Which truly is the best way to handle Kim. Even though Lipsa claims she harbors no ill feelings, and is completely over every insane thing that happened between them, she does not want to poke the Kimsley!
To wrap up this weird episode, the next morning we learn just why Lipsa is so passionate about Dr. Ford’s story. It’s because in her youth Lois was attacked and escaped a serial killer! SERIOUSLY.
The man grabbed Lois at a bus station, locked her in his car, and attempted to rape her after attacking her with a knife and a hammer! Lois was only saved when a Military Police Officer saw the car illegally parked down a no access road and intervened. The attacker served only SEVEN YEARS, then got out and killed several other women, being dubbed The Trailside Killer, before finally being captured and spending the rest of his life in prison.
Lois hid this information from Lipsa for most of her life, even though Lois had a metal plate in her head from the attack. Lois was also very overprotective and always taught Lipsa to be super aware of surroundings and men, which Lipsa credits to her never being sexually harassed or assaulted. That is the craziest story I’ve ever heard on this show. Also, Lois is amazing, and I have to say, I really loved this side of Lipsa. More of this stuff ladies – less Machiavellian plotting to destroy LVP over a dumped dog.
BTW: I think next week may be LVP’s final appearance on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Or does she have 2 more? Also, LOL, without Puppygate Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave was pretty much a non-entity this episode, and I totally forgot she was even there!
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS MOSTLY LVP-FREE EPISODE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]