Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on
Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!
The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)
To welcome their families to town Jax and Brittany have everyone over for a getting to know you brunch. Brittany’s family breeds like rabbits so that means MeeMaw, MeeMaw’s 2 half-cousin’s step-kids twice removed, plus her sister’s sister-in-law from the other side of the family, Brittany’s mom, Sherri, Sherri’s romper, Sherri’s frosted pink lipstick in the special Mary Kay lighted kit, Brittany’s sister-in-law Melisha, her brother, her half brother, her half-brother’s brother’s father, her brother half-removed, Brittany’s father, his wife, and of course the baby. Jax, meanwhile, only had his sister Jenny (who is far too normal to be a relative of Jax’s), and Jenny’s husband who borrowed Ramona Singer‘s crazy eyes just for this occasion and boy did they come in handy! Lord – these people were speaking in tongues and all these tongues were dividing in forks between supporting Brittany in her own bad decisions and warning her that Jax is the devil.
RELATED: Vanderpump Rules Star Jax Taylor Wants To Try For Kids On Wedding Night With Brittany Cartwright
The whole brunch Jax talked non-stop, which is his nervous habit, followed by bragging about that one time, in Kentucky, when he bought Brittany’s brother a baby in a bar.
When it was just his sister present, Jax also showed her around the apartment where he proudly displayed the last bottle of Fireball his dad ever drank from. Jax memorialized it by writing the date in blue sharpie. MamMaw hit the beer cheese again and started slurring that she believes in Brittany and Jax. He interrupted her to leap across the room and grab a cheap little cardboard jewelry box – the kind Walmart gives you when you buy a 12k PLATED necklace – which is how Jax has been carrying around his father’s ashes.
Jax and his sister get tattoos in honor of their dad. Jax’s reads “Make good choices.” which is what his father always told him, and which Jax definitely took to heart! Clearly… Um, shouldn’t Brittany be getting this tattoo instead?
Jax’s one moment of humility and humanity comes at the tattoo parlor when he and Jenny reflect on how sad it is that their mom isn’t a part of this. Prompting Jax to wonder if maybe they weren’t invited to the hospital because their dad requested it, and here they are blaming their mom.
Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney show up to do dress shopping and look at their phones while pretending to oooh and aaaah about Brittany’s Sexy Disney Princess Themed fashion show. Brittany has been dreaming about her fairytale wedding since she was a little girl. Which is why she’s willing to marry a frog (who will never turn into a prince) to get that wedding. And this marriage will likely be as brief as Sherri’s romper!
Kristen is hoping she’ll be asked to be Maid Of Honor. After all she’s licked Brittany’s crotch before, and Jax’d Jax, so they’re super, ultra, mega-close and interconnected. Except Brittany has already decided her best friend Cara will be MOH and then she asks Katie to be MATRON of Honor. Katie doesn’t know what that means, but it sounds like a lot of work and she’s kind of occupied sitting on the sofa, sighing, and ordering Tom 2 around. Who would want Katie, with her awful marriage, near their own perilous union?! Two wrongs don’t make a right, Brit!
Everyone else is at Brunch With Billie for the white party. Why is this a thing? Ugh. Since Scheana can’t actually pee on Adam without getting a health code violation she wears his t-shirt to work instead. Only Scheana would wear a walk of shame outfit like a badge of honor! As Adam is trying to work Scheana lets it slip that she’s going out on a date with Eath-THEN (Ethan), a 26-year-old male model who wants to cook her dinner.
Adam shrugs that he doesn’t really care, only a little, and basically calls Scheana a slut to her face without Scheana realizing it because she’s sleeping with him and who knows who else… Adam doesn’t want to know about the date so Scheana promises she won’t post anything to social media. Oh, please everyone knows Scheana met this guy on Tinder where she was just swiping for hotness, then probably offered to pay him to be her date in order to make Adam jealous. Or more likely told him he could get on TV and help launch his pectoral proclivities campaign.
Lisa Vanderpump stops in to say hello and talk crap about Tom 2 to Tom 1 while Ariana Madix is standing right there. Ariana is bothered by Lisa throwing her partners under the bus and later announces that she’s going to confront The Madame. Stassi warns her this is a very, very dangerous idea… Also everything Lisa is saying about Tom 2 is totally true! He’s ridiculous, inept, immature, self-absorbed, drunk, delusional… the list goes on! Tom 1 is essentially his busy-sitter and his babysitter!
While Scheana is on her date with EATH-than Ariana, Kristen, Stassi, and Tom 1 meet for drinks at TomTom. Suddenly untethered, suddenly able to do and go as he pleases, suddenly allowed to speak again, Adam joins them. Not driving to Marina del Ray really frees up his evening! Five minutes later, as if she has a sensor (she so has him on a tracker!) Scheana starts sending Ariana and Stassi Snaps from her date knowing they’ll show Adam. Adam shrugs that he’s just not ready to settle down yet.
The Snap features Scheana grabbing Ethan’s dick-area while chortling, and gulping rosé. Not featured is Scheana pretending she’s not desperate to get married! Scheana compares her situation with Adam to her wild Hollywood youth where she was having threesomes with pro-athletes. Scheana- no need to brag about this. We know alllll about it courtesy of Brandi Glanville (And Skinemaxxx). It’s so sad to realize that Scheana was essentially Lala Kent Sr, except Scheana never bagged that ring.
Instead, Scheana turned 30, got Botox, and is now trying to date 26-year-olds, which is EXACTLY why she isn’t finding men who want to commit. Scheana needs to act her real age, not the age her forehead thinks it is. Over dinner, Scheana lies to Ethan that she’s “never been that girl” who wants to get married and have kids. Except for last season, and the season before that, and then that one season she got married to a guy she couldn’t stand to just like get married on TV. LOLLOLOL Then Scheana and Ethan hop in her bed to make out. Let’s hope Scheana changed the sheets before Adam came over…
Lala stops by TomTom for an inspirational pick-me-up chat from Lisa. Lisa bonds with Lala over the terrible loss they’re each enduring. Lisa reminds Lala that this doesn’t excuse her outbursts, then enacts revenge by demanding she have a conversation with James Kennedy to ensure he doesn’t feel too badly after asking for his DJ job back at SUR, and getting turned down (again). Since Lala is marrying an older man of influence, Lisa believes she must stop acting the part of a wannabe hoodrat and instead behave as a producer’s future wife. A woman with courage, morals, and unparalleled elegant behavior, who refrains from using the F-word to burn bridges.
With that heavy-handed push, Lala dials James‘ number and invites him to come meet her there to talk. Lala is annoyed that James won’t sit down and gobble down her well-rehearsed speech about how to be a good human. James stares into space through Lala’s soliloquy.
This is the face EVERYONE should make when receiving life advice from Lala!
I love how Lala has been sober for 15 seconds yet now she’s completely fine and knows exactly what James needs: advice form her on how to be a good human. Which includes the disclaimer that they are not here to focus on what LALA has done, but to remind James, for the umpteenth time, that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Lala is worried that James is dejected, and insists she would never let anyone be kicked while they’re down, except she would and she does. James shrugs that in time of need, he’d rather call his therapist than Lala and then he leaves, strolling out into the hot WeHo streets, hands in his pockets, as Lala looks back with confusion. No man ever leaves LalaLand without an exit visa!
To declare her bridesmaids Brittany throws a Beauty & The Beast themed party with forbidden roses in a glass dome, pin the crown on the princess and other goofy games. The goofiest of all is Scheana who starts crying in the middle of the party because her “BEST FRIEND” Adam is mad that she went on a date.
Scheana sniffles about how Adam wants her; he wants her not and she doesn’t know what to do! Even though Adam said he didn’t care about Scheana dating other people, he’s angry, so now they’re being mean to each other over text. Stassi is like um, you sleep together, you spend all your waking moments together – you’re together, but Scheana wants a definitive declaration to prove his love … It’s more sniffle, sniffle, yada, yada until everyone’s eyes glaze over and the sound of Scheana’s voice blends in with the drone of the AC unit. Time for the NO Ugly Crying hankie Brittany passed out, She-Shu! Also – why isn’t Lala a bridesmaid??
RELATED: Scheana Marie Discusses Lala Kent’s Outbursts On Vanderpump Rules; Says She Never Thought Lala Was An Alcoholic
Finally, Jax goes to get beers with Brittany’s dad and brothers, and Jenny’s husband. The dad starts out by telling Jax that the ring doesn’t mean a thing if the faithfulness isn’t there. Jax points out what he brings to this relationship, either Brittany’s father or her brothers stared him down and told him that was BS.
This is like the lunch version of Deliverance with Brittany’s father instructing Jax, “Lemme hear you squeal, boy!” Apparently, Jax did not ask the fam for permission and Brittany’s brother is not impressed. As Jenny’s husband’s eyes roll back and forth like dizzy marbles, Jax stumbles through telling Brittany’s brother that “love and cherish” works two ways and as the Number One Guy (with number one guy syndrome) he needs to be cherished too. “I’m always going to be number one,” he yells while hoovering chicken into his mouth; wondering “What about making me happy?!” This from the ‘changed man’ who just wants a sandwich on demand. The only sandwich he’s getting is a knuckle sandwich with extra artisan, locally made and source Miracle Whip flavored with humility honey and cow balls. It’s not about making you happy, Jax, it’s about making the redneck coalition happy because once they have their way with you, you’ll need another nose job!
TELL US – IS JAX THE NUMBER ONE GUY? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT BRITTANY ASKING KATIE TO BE A BRIDESMAID?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]