Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of New York, which was about as bad a news a girl can receive. I should probably just console myself by investing in a Countess Candle. After all, Luann de Lesseps is my personal idol of how not to behave and why.
It’s the day before the infamous Christmas Cabaret and Luann is in rare form, gliding into the Gramercy Theater wearing a fabulous cape – like a true diva. Next Luann will be getting one of those long cigarette holders (please let this happen). Luann’s weary assistant, the Countess Corraller, is stationed outside her dressing room overseeing the vast collection of Luann-centric products: statement necklaces, t-shirts, and of course the candles, but this is a mere rehearsal before the big show.
Dorinda Medley and Sonja Morgan take time out of their busy lives for a little pampering, i.e. Coolsculpting which freezes their fat cells so they can metabolize them, then pee them out. If only I could do this with ice cream! Also Real Housewives science, as departed by a doctor we’re supposed to find sexy is always the best.
Not sexy is when the doctor refers to Sonja’s hips as “flanks”. Sexy J talk calls hips muffins of desire, or fleshorns of hotness, or honestly I don’t know, but flanks won’t do, although hips don’t lie. *sigh* I want cool sculpting! So much better than working out. I am coveting so many things here that next I’ll be shopping in Sonja’s basement!
I didn’t know anything embarrassed Sonja, but it turns out vaginal resurfacing on national TV did. Who knew her standards started with penetration by electro-convulsing glass dildo! Sonja explains that she tends to stay away from anything invasive – well, procedure-wise!
Trimming the fat naturally leads to a conversation about Tinsley Mortimer‘s relationship with Scott Kluth. Sonja and Dorinda aren’t buying that they’re broken up, but they do believe Scott is buying Tinsley’s lifestyle. Still with this?
“There was no cashflow until Scott showed up,” announces Sonja. Like Tinsley was living under the Brooklyn Bridge in a Gucci shoe box. Dorinda’s problem is that she essentially knows nothing about who Tinsley is or what she values because she’s dishonest about her life, and the only thing she talks about is boys (and she’s even dishonest about that!) Sonja decides one only gets away with bullshitting for about 2years in NYC and Tinsley’s years are up. Um, really? Because Ramona, Sonja, and Luann have been doing it for about 200 years….
Then we visit Bethenny Frankel‘s apartment, which literally looks like a hotel. But snark aside Bethenny is reeling from a near death experience after accidentally consuming fish flakes in a miso soup. Her new boyfriend Paul saved her life when he reacted quickly by shoving a Benadryl down Bethenny’s throat, then calling 911. Thank God 911 wasn’t busy with Tinsley’s dog when Bethenny needed them…
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Sonja calls to check-in and Bethenny breaks into hysterics recounting what happened – namely the realization that if Paul hadn’t been there she would’ve died from anaphylactic shock! Sonja decides the perfect way to recover is for Bethenny to skip the cabaret (obviously), and take a night off from drinking. Then get some coolsculpting in the morning, right?!
Then it’s time for the Holiday Hotmess with the Countess! The women are sticking to their plan to show up for the pre-party, visit with Luann backstage, and then defect to Ramona Singer‘s mysterious event across town. Ramona is at Pomona (or is it Romona?) overseeing operations for the surprise/ not surprise party by instructing the restaurant manager on how to scatter balloons, then Ramona scrounges up the cart they use to take trash to the dumpster and turns it into a bar cart. “My friends like to drink,” she reasons. The manager offers Ramona a job. “More often than not I have to just step in and get it done myself, but that’s just who I am. Sooowwwrrry,” intones Ramona, Savior Of Parties; Saintess Of Transparent Ulterior Motives.
Ramona throwing a surprise party for Dorinda and Sonja at a place called Pomona sounds like a tongue twister for cougar divorcees. Luann is cordially uninvited by nature of intentional scheduling conflict. Ramona may not have grasped the element of surprise, but she has decided to pay it forward by making it nice for Dorinda for a change.
At the cabaret Dorinda lays the groundwork for issues with Tinsley by comparing her to a robot and commenting that she’s wearing yet “another beautiful dress.” Sequins are usually blinding from the obvious, but even Tinsley senses something is amiss. Finally Sonja arrives to break the tension and she looks utterly crazy! Sonja has some sort of unraveling croissant on her head, or possibly the hair of a scalped shitzus? Then Sonja steals a Countess Collection necklace right off the display to complete her outfit and ‘show support’ for Luann’s products.
“There’s nothing worse than waiting for a cabaret star,” sighs Sonja so she infiltrates the dressing room where Luann is getting ready, before leading the rest of the girls in. Luann wants all her friends, who came with flowers and good cheer, to “get the f–k out” becuase it’s 10 minutes before showtime and even in an elementary school play the parents don’t smother the talent. The fact that Luann puts herself on par with six-year-olds seems apt, and also that she compares cabaret to the output of a six-year-old’s play.
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Despite Luann’s stress over Jovani, she’s still fixated on Bethenny not being there. Like how dare Bethenny almost die on the day before Holiday Magic At The Cabaret. Which is sold out, girls, in case you didn’t know! Humble be thy cabaret star, who wants her friends to be perpetual groupies and audience members, and I so hope Sonja left with that necklace! Seriously – exactly how many times did Bravo need to show us the marquee advertising Countess & Friends as “Sold Out.”
I did love Dorinda’s inquest about Tinsley freezing and thawing her dog, as if discussing frozen fish sticks.
Barbara Kavovit is the only one who actually stays for the performance; sitting alone in the audience, laughing to herself as if Luann is telling the jokes just to her, but the mic does catch Barbara gossiping to a fellow audience member that Luann needs a little help from her ‘friends’ because “she can’t really sing.”
The show was total Countess Cabaret with Jingle Balls tacked on for extra tack. Luann acknowledges that audience adoration makes up for a childhood being one of 7. “I didn’t get much attention.” Yes, Luann, WE KNOW, but at least Luann seems to finally be cognizant of it. Also her mom was in the audience probably not feeling Jovani. But one guy was!! Boy, was he ever!
You know who I’m talking about: the guy in the suit and tie who looked like an extra from American Psycho, laughing hysterically like it was the greatest moment of his life just after he killed a high-end escort with a Mont Blanc pen on the Frette sheets which were included in the rent of Casa de Crumbles (aka The Townhouse). That guy, for him, life is a cabaret! At one point, in a moment of amazing unintentional irony, he was holding a Tall Boy of Bud Light and spewing air kisses to “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Why do I feel like he is the physical representation of Luann’s soul?
It turns out Ramona’s party is for 6 or 7 good friends. So it’s not a party as it is a corporate cocktail hour, which means Ramona couldn’t be bothered to do any leg work to invite a large group, and that this event was purely to upstage the cabaret. I mean those generic and awful cakes said enough. Ramona didn’t even bother to plan out the surprise element. John suggested they jump out when Dorinda walked in. Dorinda was surprised though, and both Dorinda and Sonja were thrilled, so it’s the thought that counts.
I love how Sonja is sort of like the crazy drunk aunt turned family mediator – she’s kooky, she doesn’t often make sense, but then she has these kind of clued-in moments. Like when Sonja proposes Dorinda have “a nice chat” with Tinsley to clear the air. Basically, things were made nice by the mere existence of this party – they are only meant to go downhill from here.
Dorinda sits Tinsley down and basically tells her she’s not allowed to talk to boys. Apparently, Tinsley still being in communication with Scott is only a problem because she’s not being honest with her evil stepmothers about it. I couldn’t really follow what they were mad about, actually! When Tinsley, like all rebellious teens, doesn’t immediately listen Dorinda calls over reinforcements in the form of Ramona and Sonja. Right away Sonja starts in with the accusations that Scott is paying Tinsley’s bills and she’s using him for a penthouse. Also, like Ramona’s not lying about what’s going on with Mario (or Harry Dubin! C’mon…).
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Sonja needs to get it through her head that Tinsley was born with a silver spoon, then married a platinum spoon – and not one who was the 214-year-old crypt keeper of the Wesson Oil Vault and ancestral incestuous letters. These women think Tinsley has an arrangement as the world’s oldest sugar baby, whereas Tinsley is just investing her trust fund in her closet. “My clothes are my children,” she scoffs, before standing up and announcing that she’s done with this conversation, then flouncing out in a literal Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper in dress form, spewing glitter and hair bows everywhere! Go Tinz! It was amazing – it was as if Tinsley was taking all her latent frustrations at Dale out on Dorinda, Sonja, and Ramona.
Then it’s time for the Bethenny’s “S’mores and Whores.” In the car to the party Bethenny tells Albi, now forced into Santa attire, that during her near-death experience, she’s convinced she felt Dennis Shields pulling at her from beyond. Now Bethenny has exorcised him from her life and has decided, finally, he is going to let her be! So, Dennis has now morphed into a demon ghost, giving Bethenny the consent to love happily in the realm of the living with Paul? That’s creepy as fuck. Not even creepy AF, but regular ‘as fuck.’ Yep – Bethenny’s love life has officially out-crazied a Lifetime Movie. Girl, do you, and all the other hot men your heart desires – even if they’re in another realm. Is she still wearing Dennis’ ring?
The party is what you’d expect from a Bethenny event striving too hard to be edgy. Also, it seemed to be happening in the middle of the afternoon? Was it even actually December? Or did they film it last week, when it was daylight until 9 pm?
Sonja wears a Bump-It, while Dorinda, true to form, embraced all the tacky by dressing as “Santa’s little hooker”. Ramona’s dress is like hoebag Little Bo Peep. Bethenny wore elf leggings. Luann swanned in, late, wearing a cabbie hat in winter white.
Ramona tells Bethenny, “For almost being dead you look really good,” Sonja agrees that “Death becomes you.” Only on this show; only with these ladies – and only Bethenny would take it as a compliment. Maybe Bethenny should start dating the Caberican Psycho?
Then we are treated to the true horror, not Dennis of the dead, nor Luann’s singing voice, but Ramona sucking an oyster!
Tinsley puts her 3-second drama with Dorinda to rest by begging her to stop talking about Scott, because friends don’t harass friends about their dating life. “Eeeehhh…” disagrees Dorinda, because the friends she knows, the kind of friend Dorinda is – oh, they harass! And badger, and scrutinize, and comment, and judge, and yell, and act like the overbearing mothers…
Bethenny, Luann, and Sonja find themselves in a group hug where Bethenny and Luann, in good spirits, admit they love each other even though they hate each other.
Then all issues are paused for a giant nutcracker pinata to be lowered from the ceiling and inside were sweaty, hot guys wearing boxer briefs bringing naughty toys. Sonja’s true surprise! Sonja smacks the pinata with the elegance of a drunken ballerina, and then, of course, her skirt rides up so everyone gets to snatch a peek at her rejuvenated vagina. I don’t think she was embarrassed.
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The stripper elves didn’t really come out of the pinata (vibrators did) but carrying in a birthday cake for Sonja. And merry XXXmas indeed! Bethenny got her second near-death experience when one overzealous stripper almost dropped her on her head. Tinsley, who has never seen men in underwear acted like she’d catch lice if one came near her. If this is how Tinsley acts around men no wonder she ended up with repressed scions and coupon kings. We learn that since being done with Scott, she’s also done with her penthouse hotel – she’s downsized to living with Dale.
And in truly horrific news we learn a flood
of tears at Bluestone Manor destroyed the fish room. Now I’m crying, and Dorinda also Freudian slipped and called John her husband, so… a wedding on the horizon next season?!
Most depressingly of all was Barbara rubbing a strippers’ butt during a slow dance. So Babs immaturely, like an 8th grade boy at a school dance, sexually harassed him. Lovely. In other updates Luann will cabaret until she dies, and Ramona is still doing things with Mario. Like perhaps Boca for New Years! And then that’s it.
Normal Housewives shows end with like a huge fight at the season finale party, that leaves things on a cliffhanger. RHONY ends as if they’re just gonna be back next week. I didn’t even remember I was watching the finale until I saw the reunion preview. Then the slow horror sunk in.
TELL US – IS TINSLEY’S DATING LIFE THE WOMEN’S BUSINESS? BETTER PARTY: RAMONA, BETHENNY, OR COUNTESS CABARET?!
[Photo Credits: Bravo & Heidi Gutman/Bravo]