Last night most of the Real Housewives Of Orange County finally escaped Arizona. All that so-called healing got left in Arizona though. In fact the only person who seemed to internalize anything was Kelly Dodd, who also got left behind in Arizona.
Kelly visited her hometown of Scottsdale to hopefully reconnect with her family. Fun fact: I went to ASU, and I have been to The Vig countless times! So that was exciting, and this where Kelly and Mary’s similarities end. Because when Kelly lived in Arizona she was getting arrested as a juvenile delinquent for setting the her catholic high school’s field on fire and brawling with old ladies at the Phoenix Open.
Kelly meets up with her BFFs to reminisce about all the times she drunkenly slapped people. Kelly is the very definition of stunted adolescence. She and Jolie live in an unintentionally Freaky Friday world where Jolie is the miniature adult attending board meetings and organizing the meal schedules for the week. If she just took over the finances…
Kelly gets her temper from her mom Bobbi. Ironically, Bobbi and Kelly aren’t currently speaking over those tempers. After not talking to her brother Eric for 2 years, he sent Kelly a sweet text apologizing and saying it’s time to move forward. Later, Kelly grabs lunch with her older brother JR. She says JR is always there to pick up the pieces and tell her how to behave after her life goes to shit. So I’m assuming this is JR’s full-time job?
JR offers to help put this humpty-dumpty family back together again. But, Kelly makes the first step by calling Eric to have an adult conversation. Kelly knows this is the way forward to reconciling with her mom. Are we ever going to find out exactly happened what between the two of them? Did Kelly throw mama from a train?!
Speaking of humpty-dumpty, Emily Simpson is trying to put Gina Kirschenheiter‘s life back together again. And boy is that a fail. In what is surely the most exciting launch of 2019, Shannon Beador is unveiling brand. new. frozen things for her QVC line. She’s leveling up from cream cheese into sour cream. But only a small amount because dairy is an inflammatory and then your whole head swells up like a meatball and your butt turns into a sausage patty and your husband cheats on you, then you explode and someone makes tortillas chips with the lard from your ashes. These are the days of Shannon’s mind: it’s a veritable salad spinner of negativity up there! But, for now, Shannon is pasting on a happy face and even going so far as to invite Emily over for this taste-test lunch. Maybe it’s shade knowing that Emily likes to eat, but wants to lose weight?
Shannon complains that her head still hurts. I’m blaming nonstop exposure to women screaming, but she’s blaming Kelly.
Unfortunately, no one even talks about Shannon’s food after learning that Gina got stood up by Shane‘s cousin. Embracing the healing of Miraval, Emily tried to arrange a double date, but unfortunately the cousin canceled last minute because he broke his toe. “A toe! A toe! I got stood up for a toe!” Gina explodes. “I got a spray tan and a baby-sitter!”
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Also, Shannon’s face when Gina mentioned that Matt Kirschenheiter still wants her… It looked like Shannon had sucked on all 9 lemons from her Feng shui bowl.
Worse than being ditched by Shane’s cousin over a toe, is having to be the third wheel on a date with Shane and Emily. Shane who is basically human foot fungus… but at least he’ll DD! His only redeeming benefit.
Emily and Gina are essentially on a date together, with Shane chaperoning to mildly tut-tut about how much food they’re ordering. Like an entire pig head. Was it symbolic to illustrate that men are pigs? This was literally the carcass of a pig’s face on a platter, and Shane cuts out the tongue and eats it – which has got to be a metaphor.
At least these two have each other to eat through the pain with. Although, they’re sort of acting like escapees from a fat camp. Or a wellness retreat… Gina’s dress keeps popping open because her boobs have gotten so big with all the stress eating and Emily is having an arthritis flare-up from weight gain.
In the middle of dinner ,Matt texts Gina to shame her for missing their son’s baseball game for the dinner. This from the guy who moved an 2 hours away from his kids and went weeks without seeing them because he was too busy sleeping with another woman! This is also the first time we’ve seen an example of Matt being abusive. Shane actually defends Gina by pointing out that Matt is trying to make Gina feel bad and it’s working. Did I just like Shane for a nanosecond??
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So far Braunwyn Windham-Burke hasn’t irritated me. Mostly because of how calm and nonplussed she seems about wrangling 7 tiny humans into a semblance of well-behaved individuals when I can’t even get my 2 kids out the door for soccer practice without someone screaming and crying (me). But last night, the elan of Braunwyn deflated like a soccer ball left outside all winter.
Braunwyn has a photographer over to take a family portrait. She wears sheer, lace and mesh lingerie. So Dr-Mama Deb attention seeking. Afterwards Braunwyn and Sean canoodle on the bed to discuss Mirval and how pretty they both think Tamra Judge is. How much did Tamra (and Bravo) pay Braunwyn and Sean to gush about the potential of a three-way with her for some fake drama? Tamra is only pretty if you like possessed ferrets. Or have a fetish for Rose from Christine McConnell’s Neflix show.
Apparently, Tamra and Eddie Judge also do threesomes. This is when I realized that something is off about Braunwyn: she and Sean are too contrived in their effort to appear unflappable and free spirited. She’s the cool mom, not the normal mom! She has freaky sex and parties!
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I also don’t really like the way Braunwyn is momager-ing her OCD daughter, Rowan, into being some sort of dance star/ designer while ignoring the other kids. Why is this a storyline?
We’ve officially surpassed vaginal rejuvenation for something called an “O shot”. Shannon claims it’s a natural because it injects her own blood into her clitoris for enhanced orgasms. After the 17 year dry-spell called being married to David Beador who preferred dipping his salt-free chip into guacamole to dipping into Shannon, she is gifting herself with this procedure as a 55th birthday present.
“Tannaz,” the nurse who performs this, calls herself “the vagina whisper” and instructs Shannon to squeeze 2 detached silicone implants while she injects her. And voila: Shannon has six months to have all the O’s she can muster. The side-effects is feeling like you’ve had the roughest sex ever for a day. A feeling Shannon has never experienced. I have a feeling it was Shannon’s constant micromanaging and freaking out about how bed sheets can cause toxic cancer if they go inside your hoo-hah and that penile injections can dislodge your ovaries or some shit as the reason for her quinoa sex life.
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Afterwards Shannon (high on pain killers) and Tamra travel to Braunwyn’s downtown sex pad.
Braunwyn is dressed up all fancy to attend a board meeting at her kid’s school and that requires pre-gaming with wine. Trust me, I agree. This whole scene had a creepy vibe like it was Intro To Roleplaying Fantasies?
Shannon and Tamra are there to discuss Shannon’s daughters walking in Rowans’s dance wear collection fashion show at OC Fashion Week. “It’s been a long time coming,” muses Braunwyn, who then says Rowan is the youngest designer to ever show at OC fashion week. Also it turns out Rowan is just giving her opinion on designs other designers made. She’s a Real Housewife in training!
OC Fashion Week… I just imagine Sky Tops, distressed flare Rock & Republic jeans with the back flap pockets worn with wedge heels.
Tamra is planning separate birthday parties for Vicki and Shannon. Isn’t it nice that Tamra gets to play the hero friend to both, thus ensuring her continued dominance and assured allegiance?
Since Vicki no longer whoops it up because of Steve Lodge, Tamra suggests a formal tea party. “It’s elegant and classy – like you!” Which is a nice way of saying Vicki get your AARP card. Shannon, meanwhile, gets to test out the new vajazzercise by bar-hopping in Del Mar to meet men…. And how will they get to Del Mar you wonder? Why on a Choo Choo Train!
Is Kelly invited to this party? Or is she just the butt of this party’s jokes? Because that’s not going to backfire at all when Kelly makes the train connection. What is Tamra doing here? Why is Shannon letting her?
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Tamra’s day of doing good deeds does not end with dual birthday party planning, but helping Emily achieve her weight-loss goals. As Emily walks in to CUT Fitness, Eddie is nailing Tamra’s butt with a massager. Anal! Emily gets on some machine that tests her weight, fat to muscle ratio, and BMI. Emily is in so much arthritis pain she can’t keep up with her kids activity level. This is her wakeup call.
After spending the last year on steady diet of tacos and coffee with cream and sugar, Emily weighs 191 (her highest ever) and her body fat means she’s considered obese. Did Vicki make Emily gain weight?! Some frozen cream cheese stuffed salmon which is so bad she’ll actually feed it to the dog will help her drop pounds in no time!
Tamra hugs Emily because being overweight is the very worst thing a woman can be in OC. Um, how did Tamra go from barely speaking to Emily and comparing her to Shrek, to being her fitness and diet consultant? She also reminds Emily of how fat Shannon used to be as a motivator. “This is not a six month project [like Shannon’s vagina] this is a lifetime project,” counsels Eddie.
And then the Throwback Tuesday continues when Alexis Bellino appears to meet Emily for lunch. Emily sees Alexis all over town. They both have three kids, so you know they have a lot in common and are like destiny friends according to the faith and scriptures of fake.
Alexis just spent 10 days in Thailand with her new boyfriend and she brags about their perfect love as Emily curdles inside flashing back to doing burlesque for her father-in-law after being blown off on her anniversary by her husband.
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Jim and Alexis are also perfectly divorced. “It was a really broken marriage for a lot of years,” Alexis explains. Basically she got tired of cult leader Jim proselytizing about how she should behave and accusing her of being the broken rib. I’m glad Alexis broke free. Hint, Emily, Hint. You can move into Gina’s casita. Orrrrrrr not — because there is once again trouble in this friendship paradise! Miraval is not the place of miracle working after all.
Gina meets Tamra for shopping at a place called “Callie Girl.” Which is what I expect a boutique to be called on a Disney Jr. Movie. Did they blackmail Bravo into filming there? They probably have a sex tape of Eddie making love to a donut, then eating it’s center.
They’re not even finished rifling through the first rack of polyester designer knock-offs when Gina starts trashing Emily. After having a nice dinner with Shane and Emily, where they were kind and supportive of her situation with Matt, Gina is convinced Emily set her up on a pity date just to hurt her because it turns out the cousin has a girlfriend! Now Gina feels like she can’t trust Emily.
“It’s just a really dirty game,” hisses Tamra, agreeing with Gina’s suspicions. Um, Shannon is REALLY rubbing off on Gina in the worst possible way! Also Tamra could not be more thrilled by this newest friendship reversal. She probably texted everyone Emily’s weight as revenge. She should be encouraging Gina to call Emily to see if there’s a reasonable explanation, and reassuring her that Emily would never take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state.
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Gina is ridiculous. She is clearly not emotionally ready to date, although I get wanting to put yourself back out there (while simultaneously entertaining overtures from your ex). Maybe the guy lied as a way to let Gina down gently that he’s not interested?
Also if the cousin KNEW he wasn’t single but agreed to the date – it’s HIS fault. Emily tells Alexis she had no idea. As much as I could see Shane knowing, but not saying anything, I can’t really picture Emily doing this intentionally. Even without reading Alexis’ blinged out bible on OC morality, Phoninthians Chapter DD.
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Emily has tried to call and text Gina countless times, with no response. Now she doesn’t want to go Shannon’s birthday because she’ll wind up in a huge fight with Gina. All the women will get involved, meaning it will ruin Shannon’s party. Shannon will blame Emily, and everyone will be mad at Emily again.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK EMILY INTENTIONALLY SET GINA UP WITH A GUY WITH A GIRLFRIEND? WERE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ALEXIS ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY AGAIN? WHOSE PARTY SOUNDS MORE FUN: VICKI’S OR SHANNON’S?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]