Ariana Madix is in a funk. Is that funk is hanging out with Scheana Marie (who complains that Ariana hasn’t been there as much as Scheana needs her to be)? Ariana carries a general malaise that can’t be cured by looking hot in a lace bikini! If shopping doesn’t work like Prozac, something is amiss! It’s not like Ariana is Stassi Schroeder, living on Kristen Doute‘s couch (no, no – not the one she banged Jax on while watching Drive, but more on that couch in a bit!).
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Ariana goes lingerie shopping with Katie Maloney and Scheana, but she’s not happy. Things are further made awkward because Kristen invited Katie and Scheana for a weekend in Palm Springs at her friend Rachel’s house, and they’re discussing trip in front of Sulkiana, who responds by sulking. They were excited, but then Kristen invited Stassi. Katie can’t ever EVER forgive Stassi for what she did… whatever it was. It was MEAN.
After Katie buys a robe hoping to finally entice Tom 2 into bed, Scheana confronts Ariana about a tale she heard from Jax, reliable source of all things honest! Jax is blaming his fight with Tom 1 on Tom’s obsession with talking about his band. Ariana scoffs. As if – they only talk about Tom’s band, like, 75% percent of the time. Hilariously, Ariana instructs Scheana to “take it down a notch” – advice I do wish she would take!
Later Jax helps Tom 1 finally irradiate the last shred of Kristen from his life (or so he thinks!), by finally throwing away the sofa where Jax’s illicit affair with Kristen happened. Memories! Milestones! Ariana confronts Jax about lying to Scheana about the cause of his argument with Tom. Jax denies it, pleading the temporary insanity due to drunkenness. However, he’s 1 million percent certain that Tom is pissy because no one wanted to discus his band – again. Tom and Jax scream at each other on the sidewalk, because no one appreciates Tom and all he does, while they all talk shit about him constantly. This is actually true.
Jax blames Ariana for changing Tom. I blame Jax for all misdeeds the world over, from scabies to my bank account balance. DAMN YOU FOR JAXING US!
Across town Kristen is prepping for a stand-up show. She invited everyone – even Stassi. Even Katie. Stassi is too depressed by the dejected state of her friendships to leave the house so she stays home and snuggles Kristen’s liquor cabinet.
There is also James drama. He’s in the middle of producing his magnum opus, The Pump CD, which is the most important thing he’s ever done. It’s importance has elevated him to being the “White Kanye West“. It’s actually not a bad comparison. What Kanye and James have in common: Rage-a-holic egos, self-aggrandizement, atrocious taste in women, complete disconnect from reality, over-use of skinny pants paired with long drapey-cardigans, large heads, rampant narcissism, ranty tantrums, bad music. Nobody better tell Kanye his soulmate is white, because white people don’t make good music!
Anyway, The Pump CD. It’s the most important thing James has ever done, which is why he gets totally wasted DJing at PUMP, gets into a fight with Kristen (why was she there?!), then starts screaming at Richardson, who is hot and fluent in French, and was thrown out. People make CDs nowadays?
Jax is financing Brittany Cartwright‘s self-improvement plan, which is basically BOOBS.
Boobs before therapy, y’all! Brittany wants a C cup, but Jax pressures her into getting a D – actually over-talking to Brittany to the doctor in pre-op to say they’ve decided on Ds, even whipping out a photo of Peter’s girlfriend Sarah to illustrate to the doctor EXACTLY what he’s looking for. First of all – shouldn’t cup size have been determined before she’s about to be put under?? Do they just grab a pair of implants off the shelf and shove ’em in?! Second of all, why wouldn’t the doctor tell Jax to shut the hell up?!
Jax believes the BOOBS belong to them both, and will fulfill an important need in their relationship, therefore his motto is “Go big or go home.” Hmph, I always assumed it was more of, “Go big and go to jail”
Jax is so excited about BOOBS he can’t contain himself! He waxes misogynistically, objectifying Brittany’s body and treating the BOOBS like playthings purely for his amusement. He squeezes the display implants in the office to demonstrate his glee of getting his VERY OWN SET OF BOOBS. He does realize Brittany’s boob job is attached to Brittany, these are not like a blow-up doll he can use for his amusement, right? And what is wrong with Kentucky Fried Desperation?
Before Brittany heads into surgery, he jokes with the doctor, “Let’s put some Ds on this” Dude: These are not something you can obtain custody of if you break up, although I’m pretty sure Jax asked the doctor to tattoo “Property of Jax Taylor” on Brittany’s fake knockers.
Speaking of tattoos, Tom 1 got his ass-A removed even though it hurt so, so much! Tom 2 is along for moral support but very disappointed that his tattooed butt-buddy decided to undo the damage. Tom 2 felt it was their special bonding moment! Right before the procedure Ariana calls to fill them in on Jax’s latest lie. Tom 1 is aghast that Jax would lie. Uh… really? Jax lying is as much a given as the price of gas fluctuating!
Actually, why are these people still friends with Jax?! Interesting that I should ask, because Jax has been asking himself the very same question!
Over at Scheana’s she’s being supportive of Shay’s sobriety by nagging him because he got wasted at the house party she threw, where she provided handles of vodka. It’s annoying that Shay gets drunk and then can’t take care of Scheana. Let’s rework that sentence so it makes more sense: Shay gets drunk because he can’t take Scheana, because Scheana is annoying. Scheana should just date White Kanye – I’m pretty sure their over-inflated egos are soul mates.
Shay finally snaps and admits he’s not happy, and what’s making him more unhappy is incessantly being called a loser by his wife. Silly Shay – Scheana isn’t calling you a loser, she’s pointing out what you’re doing wrong, which is not making her the happiest woman alive: like not having a career path (like she does as a 30 year old waitress), or not preparing for the future, or drinking to get drunk, not buzzed. “I’m trying to help,” whines Scheana.
“I’m approaching 30 and I just bought a Sega Genesis. That’s just who I am,” rebuts Shay. Scheana sniffles that she didn’t marry him for his money. Nope – she married him believing he would co-sign to a lifetime on The Scheana Shay Picture Show! And cause he was there. Then these two discuss how life will change when they have kids. HA! This show is a rich and ripe portrait in irony. Thank you for that.
Back to BOOBS, Brittany is recuperating on their futon, but Jax has to help her pull down her pants to go potty. What is it with these two?! Keep a little mystery alive – you’ve been together for the hot half of a second. There is no romance to be had in wiping your partner’s vaj. Jax praises himself for going the distance for
Tom 2 and Katie visit to discuss their engagement photo shoot, which is happening on the beach and everyone is invited. Why? I suppose it’s because there is simply NOTHING romantical about Tom and Katie together. Also Katie literally cannot do anything without her friend-group present, which is why she should invite them all over to watch her and Tom 2 do it. Tom 2 is really not into the whole idea of engagement photos because they’re cheesey, but Katie persuaded him by making it a beach party in which she invites all the people she loves – like Lala Kent and James!
Oh Lala – this girl cracks me up. Peter walks into SUR and asks Lala what she’s been up to. “Reading books,” she answers straight-faced. Peter tries hard not to laugh, then quickly changes the subject to what an obnoxious ass James was at PUMP. Lala is unsurprised to learn how he behaved. Luckily she’s no longer interested in James because she’s been learning how to maintain self from that architect book, by this lady named Ayn Randall or something. Lala reading is like Lala going on modeling jobs in Italy, right?
James appears at SUR to be sentenced by Lisa Vanderpump for the PUMP mess. Lisa harshly takes away the only thing the only thing that matters to James: The Pump CD. NOOOOOOOOO! Lisa, you heartless horror! James cries. I think he could have weaseled his way out of it, but he got sassy when Lisa lectured him about his rage-drinking and that was it. No PUMP CD for you, m’dear, it’s back to bussing tables!
At the engagement photo shoot, Katie wants Tom 2 to pretend drown so she can ‘rescue him’. That should be opposite right? Or maybe it’s ironical, because Katie literally smothers Tom 2, drowning him with her PROPOSE PROPOSE PROPOSE ME ME ME Monotone until he needs resuscitating from Tom 1.
Tom 2 does not enjoy playing beached whale while Katie’s sunglasses obscure 3/4 of her face and any potential looks of love. After a few snaps take Katie takes a break to chat with Scheana and Ariana, where they discuss Kristen’s attempt at sketch comedy. Ariana is offended on principal because Kristen SO DOES NOT do sketch comedy! Ariana does! That’s like Ariana’s thing. Like, forever. And therefore Kristen is like SWF-ing Ariana to be just like her. Katie defends that Kristen got into it through her friend Rachel, who’s a comedian.
Don’t worry Ariana! – Kristen’s not a comedian, remember, she told us how she’s more of a “dramatic actress.” Where is this person an actress, again? Is that like how Katie was once a model?
Ariana complains that Rachel actually isn’t original or funny. Over-reacting much, Ariana? If Ariana were a Care Bear, she’d be Grumpy Bear and she’d wear her Rain Cloud on her shirt, instead of on her sleeve. Katie and Scheana defend Kristen’s act, which pisses Ariana off more.
Ariana sulks and snaps that she doesn’t even like hanging out with Scheana and Katie – and hasn’t for a long time! Naturally they’re both shocked since they’re so amazing and who wouldn’t want to be BFF with Scheana and Katie! Scheana is especially offended that Ariana doesn’t want to be her BEST FRIEND. Cause: All Scheana all the time! HOW COULD ARIANA NOT WANT TO SPEND EVEY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE WITH SCHEANA?!
The true point of contention is Ariana and Kristen fighting for control of the friend group. Kristen is desperate to phony apology-tour her way back in and keep a simmer on the psycho until everyone has forgiven her, and naturally her ulterior motive is to force Tom 1 and Ariana out. Ariana’s plan is to stonewall Kristen until she snaps and then everyone will understand that Kristen hasn’t changed! [Which she hasn’t, she’s just distracted by being in the Honeymoon Phase with Carter and by trying to woo everyone with her FUN! FABULOUS! FUNNY! party girl persona]. It seems like Kristen’s plan works or possibly Tom and Ariana just decided the were over the politics of friendshipping at SUR.
Right on cue, Kristen comes strolling up, with Rachel beside her! Kristen’s shorts are a crime against humanity. They are literally like the sartorial version of Jax, who immediately rushes over to tell Kristen how Ariana was trashing her comedy – and Rachel’s too!
Kristen goes from caszh to erupt in 15 seconds, and decides she must confront Ariana over her moody, mopey behavior and for not blindly accepting that Kristen will be here – ALWAYS.
While Katie and Tom were playing ‘IN LOVE’, Kristen and Ariana argued over who’s comedy is sketchier and like real-er. Ariana was rude and petulant, Kristen was aggressive and vehement. She argues that she’s like really changed and grown, but Tom and Ariana haven’t. Tom 1 calls her psycho all the same. So Kristen informs Ariana that no one likes her (because this group is such a tremendous prize – especially considering how Ariana’s friends are the most smartest, most awesomest, most fabulists people in the universe!).
“Ariana sleeps late and complains a lot – that’s not exactly working on your career,” snipes Kristen. What does Kristen call making t-shirts no one buys, drinking a lot and sleeping late? I would say as far as career trajectories go, these two 30-something girls are about equal. Kristen stomps away calling Ariana a “c-u-next-Tuesday”over her shoulder. She passes by James making out with some random Kristen claims he got off Craigslist to make her jealous (although Lala claims Kristen is still having sex with James!).
Tom and Ariana sulk in silence, while Jax has a nervous breakdown behind them. Jax confides to Peter about the disaster he’s made of his life. He’s 35-years-old and just got arrested, and may go to jail, he can’t stop sabotaging his friendships over BS and meddling, he’s unable to take anything seriously. Peter is just like uhhhhh… yep, all true, dude! Jax wipes tears away as he confesses that his friends – Peter and The Toms – are all he has, and he’s likely not even speaking to Tom 1 now. It’s so hard to be Ja-ax!
TELL US – DOES ARIANA HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SULKY AND UPSET, OR IS SHE OVER-REACTING? DO YOU THINK JAX WILL CHANGE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]