Today I come to tell a tale about the World’s Greatest DJ, who was persecuted and stalked, mercilessly harassed, and run out of clubs, all because the world wanted to possess his art and his talent. Naturally, I speak of James Kennedy, The White Kanye, and the rapper on the run from his tormentor Jax Taylor. Such are songs of sorrow played out on Vanderpump Rules.
Oh, last night was a doozy, filled with Ariana Madix‘s infamous sulk and the slow emancipation of Scheana Marie as she suddenly blinked into the light as it dawned on her that Stassi Schroeder‘s power and possession was an elaborate ruse. If only Katie Maloney would see such signs, but alas she’s too busy painting squiggly black lines over the sunrise of truth.
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Katie is still going headlong into planning this wedding, which she thinks may involve Tom 2.
Lisa Vanderpump is confused by all the drama, like why is there so much conflict happening over two people supposedly in love? The reality is that Katie wants a wedding and her allegiance is not to Tom, but Stassi. And it’s really sad, that Tom (whom I used to adore) refuses to get a grip. It’s been real Tom 2 – a real disappointment! Atoning for 2’s sins, however, is Tom 1 who will stand up against the wrong with the ever-watchful warning that certain misbehavior is “not a good look!” and looks are everything.
He also wants to save James. Tom 1 believes in him; believes James has the capacity to be a good person. Lisa looks on dubiously at Tom’s plan to take James to hypnotherapy.
The hypnotherapist looks like what you’d get after googling “hypnotherapist” and then making that person into reality. James explains that his goals are to stop drinking and focus on making beautiful music to inspire and heal the masses and prove his dominance as the greatest DJ in the world with the push of a button. After a 20 minute nap he feels cleansed and free to bare both his sternum and his soul for the first time. Luckily he has a gig coming up in which to prove he’s a whole new boo!
Someone who really needs to take a good look into his soul, however, is Jax, who is also being watched by Brittany Cartwright’s devout southern mama. Oh is that lady devout! Devoutly adhering to 1980’s makeup and fashions with a reverence that is impressive. Before heading back to Kentucky, Sherri gives Brittany a little talk about sin, and her concerns that Jax has jaxed his own soul into eternal damnation, which means it’s time for a little talk about his alleged “homosexual” activities. Predictably, Jax starts yelling when questioned and pressed. As Brittany and Jax argue about how he treats her, Sherri sighs that she is uncomfortable bearing witness to this lack of testimony on Brittany’s good work and perfect heart.
Jax tries to blame Brittany’s sudden opinionated nature on the bad influence of these L.A. girls – the cabal of his former flings and ex-girlfriends who have shown her the devil and drawn her into their cult of heathens. Well heathens they may be, but the eternal question remains: was Jax the cause of the heathenism, or is he the result of natural inclination? He doesn’t bother sticking around to find out, he storms out, screaming that Brittany has been sitting on her ass for a year doing nothing – not even making him a damn sandwich! Brittany practically laughs. Moments later, Jax, like the child he eternally is, returns, contrite. Sherri tells him he needs to find a “little church” and get his ass saved. Big time.
Jax will think about it, once he determines whether or not they still use that stinky hair pomade they had when he was a kid.
Then Brittany skips off to have a luncheon meeting with Katie’s Bridesmaid Club. Scheana Marie’s still salty at Kristen Doute for calling her cheap about the cost of Katie’s bridal shower, so Scheana waves an envelope full of cash in front of Kristen’s face to shadily out her. I don’t think Kristen has scruples, Scheana, but nice try. Maybe we ought to sic Sherri on her? The topic of conversation is Jax’s terrible ways, and where to have Katie and Tom’s joint-bachelor parties.
Across town, the groomsmen, plus Ariana, are getting fitted for suits. Tom 2 has specifics as demanded by Katie, but Tom 1, self-described fashionisto, has critiques. Tom 1 thinks his look matters more than the groom’s does. Maybe he’s trying to protect Tom? Like if everyone is staring at 1’s fabulously ornate outfit, they will overlook 2’s obvious unhappiness at the altar?
The other issue is that Stassi and Ariana hate each other. Well, more specifically, Ariana doesn’t give a F–k about Stassi and Stassi is intensely bothered that someone isn’t under her spell. The devil is in the details, eh!?
While the grooms people are able to peaceably discuss their wardrobe parameters, the bridesmaids bicker about bachelorette trips. Vegas is officially out – too many bad memories of bad behavior, not everyone has a passport (is Jax on the no fly list?), and Stassi wants to micromanage every detail, so she suggests her hometown of New Orleans. Scheana pipes up that Katie wants a beach, but Stassi will not be dissuaded. Scheana sulks and pouts while Stassi declares that as “unofficial maid of honor,” she gets to decide.
Scheana doesn’t understand how a year ago Stassi and Katie weren’t speaking, but now Stassi is planning Katie’s wedding and playing third wheel in her marital bed? Well it is Scheana’s fault – she’s the one who brought Katie and Stassi back together again – look where it’s left her: on the ain’t fly list.
Poor Scheana! At least she has Ariana. Until Ariana rides off into the sunset on horseback that is. Ariana is forever living in Lisa Frank’s world of unicorns, rainbows, and trolls with magical dust instead of bitchy drama.
In the meantime, Ariana drags Scheana to watch her ride. Tom 1 shows up flustered from the shocking news that at this very moment, Tom 2 and Katie Too are sealing the deal by signing a prenup! That makes it official. Ariana and Tom are pro-prenup, but Scheana declares that she would never sign one because she would only marry someone she trusts completely. Man the story of Scheana’s life is hindsight 20/20… this girl never figures it out despite wearing glasses as big as her entire face!
Well, unfortunately, the bad news isn’t over – Ariana and Tom were supposed to have a double date painting with Katie and Tom, which turned into a double date with Katie and Stassi, with Tom 2 dragged along as the designated driving third wheel. The point, I think, is not to make great art, but to make Ariana apologize for hurting Stassi’s feelings.
Ariana, instead, rolls her eyes until I’m quite certain they got stuck and the sunrise she was painting turned into a fried egg for lack of ability to see straight in this craziness. Ariana has precious concern to waste, and it can’t be spared on people who aren’t her friends. People like Stassi! “But what about me,” Katie whines, staring petulantly. Poor Tom 2 once again finds himself in his uncomfortable prison between a rock and a hard place. Defending Ariana pisses off his brides…
Well enough about those yahoos! The real injustice is the treatment of James. He’s been fired from SUR, quit drinking and is trying to move on with his life via the lovable but daft Raquel and has a new DJing gig at a hot club. Somehow, despite no one liking James, they still can’t let him go. Oh James… you hateful little sprite. The apple, sadly, doesn’t fall far from a very rotten tree.
James meets with his mama for lunch. She defends James by deciding that Kristen‘s karma is that she’ll be barren (people think that way in 2017?!) and that since she hasn’t gotten the chance to smack Kristen herself, she hopes someone will do it for her. Is it me or are James and Brittany’s moms not that dissimilar with their hellfire and damnation speak? Furthermore, Stassi has already walloped Kristen, but fat lot of good it did because that was merely the blind leading the blind, or in this case: the bad leading the bad. But James’ mom? She’s the worst!
However, James‘ focus is on his gig featuring the debut of his rap career! Oh my – what great things! Unfortunately, a little bird circled the news around SUR, and now Ellie and GG, James’ spurned hook-ups, have combined forces with Scheana, Jax, and Kristen to sabotage The Nu-James Kennedy by crashing his gig and confronting Raquel with the evidence of James’ cheating, thus sabotaging his new job. OK, that is just sick, pathetic, and really, really gross. Why are all these sleazy-ass cheaters, home wreckers, and disasters proclaiming themselves the moral authority over other people’s lives? Why do they care what James and Raquel are doing? If James wants to be an ass and cheat on his girlfriend and then deny it, then he’s no better than Jax and Kristen.
Tom and Ariana were actually invited, and when they arrive, are shocked to find Scheana, Brittany, and Jax snickering from the audience. Soon, Kristen and Carter walk through the door, and then GG and Ellie. Tom, astutely using the bleach strands in his ponytail as an antenna, senses trouble. Scheana, who is suddenly all about being the best friend she can be, is there to support Ellie in outing James‘ lies.
While James is embarrassing himself on stage rapping about I don’t even know what – his blessed hair or thanking Jesus for male tank tops? – GG corners Raquel. Raquel has heard a different story, however! She’s heard GG is stalking James. That makes GG angry. When James comes off stage, GG tries to hand him the sweater she borrowed when she spent the night on his cot.
Now James is no saint. Not at all. He’s gross and crass and always goes low. Low like calling GG “disgusting” and ugly. But she went really low. She actually slaps him and suddenly Tom 1 finds himself breaking up the most effeminate fight in Pump Rules history. At one point James actually licked his hand and wiped it on GG’s cheek! Call the Health Dept!
While Tom tactfully (sarcasm) reminds GG that she slept with James knowing he had girlfriend, and that everyone knows she’s “thirsty,” Ariana tries to hold her back from jumping on James again. From the sidelines, Kristen and Carter provide play-by-play commentary, and try to keep Jax out of it since he is still on probation.
After the scuffle breaks up, James walks over to call Kristen and Jax “ugly” – which they are – then he sticks out his tongue and starts to walk away. Jax, who must have the mature final word, throws a drink at James, then starts to chase him down and is blocked by a 20-year-old hipster while James is escorted out by security. Kristen cheers that they got James kicked out of his own gig. Wow – what a triumph.
Kristen’s jubilation over the burning at the stake of James is short-lived, however, because Tom 1 comes over to rip into her and Jax for their pathetically transparent nonsense. And go Tom 1. Like James or hate him, he didn’t deserve that, and I’m glad Tom 1 told them off!
TELL US – DID JAMES DESERVE THE SABOTAGE? SHOULD ARIANA MAKE NICE WITH STASSI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]