Jax Taylor is the least surprising person on Vanderpump Rules? Possibly in the whole species universe. His life cycle is drink, cheat, lie, repeat. Dude, even freaking amoebas evolve. You know what else doesn’t evolve: Lala Kent‘s makeup. Yep, she reappears this episode with the same crazy over-lined lips but also a promise not to ‘Jax’ Lisa Vanderpump over ever again. Maybe change does happen on Vanderpump Rules?
So Jax cheated on Brittany Cartwright with her friend Faith Stowers, possibly impregnating her, and after posturing like she might actually leave
reality TV him, they’re having more sex than EVER! Brittany just wants to feel something with Jax; she wants to know he loves her more than all the other girls. That logic is, well, that’s the reason she’s in a relationship with Jax! But doesn’t Brittany’s relationship with Jesus remind her that she should have some moral standing, or standards? I don’t understand reality TV religion.
Brittany confesses all this during a spa day with Stassi Schroeder. A spa day that was supposed to be for Jax and Brittany’s 2 year anniversary. (true story: I accidentally typed “spay day” both times I wrote spa, which must’ve been a Freudian slip because Brittany and Jax should never be allowed to reproduce).
Stassi is well-aware of how Brittany is feeling. She was duped by Jax’s mesmerizing promises to change and his hyno-dick for years. Can we briefly pause this recap to discuss how much better Jax’s OLD nose was? Every time there is a flashback scene I think this.
Has it really ONLY been two years since Brittany and Jax got together? Anyway, has Brittany in her Kentucky Fried Education System ever heard of Pavlov’s Dogs (which really should be the name of Jax’s harem)? She is REWARDING his bad behavior! What does Jax want more than anything: to have women ignore his bad deeds and then f–k him. SO there ya’ go Britt – cheat and reward him with non-stop freaky hate sex!
Over drinks with Tom 1 and James Kennedy (!), Jax reveals that he’s actually had more sex in the last 3 days than the last 6 months. On the other side of the table, nursing a fancy beer is Tom 1 – who is living a bad country song. Not only does he have friends in low places, but he’s got an achy-breaky heart. Poor Tom 1 is suffering the curse of the ‘nice guy’ – Ariana Madix won’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. Or even the whip they bought. Tom feels like a lecher when he even compliments her. He’s so desperate that one lonely sex-starved night he downloaded an audiobook about intimacy. Is that proof Tom can’t read unless it’s the ingredients on a hair care label? Eh – he probably watches the reviews on YouTube.
Ariana is just really devoted to riding her horse. And this horse is gonna ride right out on Tom. Which is a shame because Tom wishes Ariana would save the horse and ride a cowboy, or a “bartender” (which was clever). Tom even volunteers to put on a saddle. Unfortunately Ariana is having trouble staying IN any saddle! She takes Brittany to the stables to watch her ride, then Ariana falls right off the horse into the dirt. Is that a metaphor for what’s to come with Tom 1?
Ariana is supposed to be riding this horse in a competition over the weekend, and she likes to WIN. Win everything except Tom’s heart, that is. Maybe that’s the problem? Now that Ariana has won Tom from Kristen Doute, she’s no longer that interested in him? Or Tom is just boring, needy, immature, and won’t stop hanging out with Jax? Or maybe she’s annoyed that Tom 1 has screwed up the Tom Tom opportunity with Lisa and will for all eternity be just a bartender. Maybe Ariana would ride a bar owner?! Things one ponders when watching Vanderpump Rules…
Tom is so desperate for lovin’ even seeks relationship advice from Ariana’s brother Jeremy, who doesn’t seem to notice how gross and inappropriate this conversation is and instead suggests Tom get to the bottom of why Ariana is blocking his c–k. Solid advice, brah.
Tom 2 is also feeling the frustrations with Tom 1. Katie Maloney is annoyed that T2 spends all day sitting on the sofa wearing Adidas track pants, and she was counting on him actually following through with Tom Tom. Luckily for Tom 2, Tom 1 may have shot that opportunity in the shower-slide clad foot. Usually this would be welcome news but enraged wife = rage texts for life! So Tom 2 grabs some cheap ass supermarket flowers and an “I’m Sorry” balloon to grovel at Lisa’s Louboutins for another chance.
So clueless… Dude, if you want to show you’re serious, why not go to an actual florist. Like, really? You stopped by Trader Joe’s and snatched any old hideous wilty bouquet with pink flowers in it? Cause nothing says I’m a wannabe business person like a schlubby t-shirt and some cheap flowers. Lisa is not wooed, but she does hear Tom’s plight, and after lecturing him about how Tom 1 doesn’t appreciate this opportunity and Tom 2 needs to grow the F up, Lisa agrees to at least another meeting with the Toms. Then she throws the offending balloon right into the garbage, where it should be. Thanks for your contribution to pollution Tom 2!
Lisa was alllllll about giving chances this episode because here comes Lala back from the reality TV deads. Strolling through the door in her best stripper heels, Lala explains that like well, maybe she did lie last year when she swore to she bought her own Range Rover, and even through she is still allegedly with Randall (whose name still can’t be uttered on TV), she did make her life miserable trying to cover for his married ass. With this admission, Lala begs Lisa for another shot at fame and promises this time she’ll be a reliable hostess. Apparently we’re supposed to believe that Lala needs to work because Randall only buys fancy purses, but won’t pay rent. Apparently we’re also supposed to believe that Lisa is letting Lala come back because she was really a super-good hostess. Um, is hostessing something that requires skill?
It’s not like being, say, a DJ! That’s right in the other other second chance category James is headed back to SUR for James Kennedy’s Tuesday Night Turn-up. This time, though, he’s not coming back as an actual employee, but as a freelance DJ who will get a percentage of the bar take. Lisa thinks this will help James stay in line – and off the sauce. James is thrilled. This time… THIS TIME…. he’s gonna make it after all! And to prove it, James is beginning this auspicious opportunity with a lie that he’s not really drinking anymore. Cut to a scene of him taking shots and having wine dumped in his mouth by Lala.
Lisa also allows Raquel to donate her time cleaning up puppy poop at Vanderpump Dogs. This is how she treats her anxiety or something. Anxiety over dating James? Lisa quite possibly believes that Raquel or “Bambi on speed,” is a Fembot. I agree that Raquel is not made of human stuff because who else would arrive to clean up dog waste wearing a skintight cleavage baring bodysuit and designer jeans? Maybe that’s an ‘Only in LA’ thing? Privately I think Lisa put her on poop duty intentionally.
And, last but not least, in the second chances category: Stassi is back through the vestiges of SUR to help host parties. It appears that Lisa and Natalie have already done all the work and Stassi is in charge only of choosing napkin colors? Lisa sees Stassi’s role as like event assistant. Which is not at all the same as being a legit event planner out in the wilds – she’s simply costumizing events at SUR, like helping people choose from the menu, then ordering flowers from their florist. In Stassism, however, this is the first step in her elevation to LVP Boss Status. Also Stassi privately likes that she’s one notch higher on the totem pole than lowly waitress Scheana Marie, who decries that she will NOT be bossed around by Stassi while working any SUR parties. These people need some serious perspective.
Since Stassi is feeling benevolent in her newly exalted role of SUR assistant napkin supervisor, she’s practicing event planning by throwing Brittany a “Dump Jax” slumber party. And all the girls are invited: even Scheana and Ariana. I don’t really get the point of this – Brittany, for all intents and purposes, doesn’t seem too broken-hearted over Jax’s dalliance, but apparently she needs her friends’ support against hate sex. The party is filled with all of Brittany’s favorite things: MawMaw’s beer cheese, tequila, chocolate milk (spiked with booze), and plenty of Jax bashing in piñata form.
Everything was going swell, but then the witches of WeHo appeared, casting their dark hearts through the bliss with a spell intent to destroy Jax, and with hopes it would be the messenger (Ariana) who was also killed. Casualty of Stassi’s War! Brittany believes that Jesus will forgive her spell casting in these extenuating circumstances, based on what happens next #DOUBTIT!
As the ladies are bashing Jax literally and figuratively (in donkey (ass)-shaped piñata form), the guys are drinking beers, relieved that it’s all gonna be OK. Just in case they gift Jax with a chastity c-ck ring, a plastic box that looks like a banana keeper. EW. The poor boys believe the girls will get all their anger out of their system, then quietly return to simmering discontent with an undercurrent of gentle rage. The balance, despite the CIA level cheating operatives of Stassi, Katie, and Kristen, will not be disturbed. Enter: Ariana. It is she who spills the spiked chocolate milk that Jax didn’t just do it with Faith once; it wasn’t just a momentary lapse in judgement like he claims – it was multiple times.
Ariana even predicts that when Brittany confronts him, he’ll argue “two, five, ten times – it doesn’t matter.” So the girls put Jax to the test. Brittany calls him on speaker and grills him. As soon as the guys see Brittany’s number flash on the screen a hush descends, except from James, who gleefully claps his hand and whoops “I love it!” I love James!
While Brittany is listening to Jax try to lie his way out of this latest lie, Stassi starts having PTSD flashbacks to the many times Jax lied and lied to her. Of course Jax denies his multiple hook ups with Faith, then he blames the girls for meddling, then, as predicted, tells Brittany it doesn’t matter how many times, finally he screams at her to “shut-up!” After she hangs up to sob, Ariana calmly calls Tom 1 and informs him that Jax is not allowed to come home tonight and they will be babysitting Brittany to stop the bastard at the door.
So, if Jax wants Brittany’s friends to stay out of their love life, maybe he shouldn’t cheat with Brittany’s friends? And Jax … dude… just keep it in your pants. Although, like James, I love the drama!
TELL US – WILL BRITTANY GIVE JAX YET ANOTHER CHANCE? WILL ARIANA AND STASSI EVER BE FRIENDS? ARE YOU GLAD LALA’S BACK?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]