It’s almost like Vanderpump Rules is a sociological experiment on modern love, right? Every other day there are new cheaters to eclipse the previous cheaters with crazier cheating scandals and bigger liars, all compounded by the ever-shifting relationships around accommodating these facts. Can’t anyone get in the right pants? Or keep their members in the right pants, rather?
Take for instance the evolution of Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. They’ve both ‘interacted’ with the same women (Kristen Doute and Lala Kent), which created a palpable neanderthal assholian hatred towards each other – like crabs in a bucket – as they battled over being too similar, but now they’re bonding over how much they cannot stand Kristen. Which is hilarious considering neither one of them ever seemed to like Kristen to begin with! And now, of course, Kristen is trying to destroy Jax’s relationship with Brittany Cartwright. Not because Kristen likes Jax (or has any lingering feelings for him), but because she loves Brittany (and once hooked up with her) too much to let her be ruined by Jax.
Another example: James is dating “sexy brunette supermodel” Raquel Leviss, but he’s canoodling with his BFF Logan. Maybe it’s just platonic canoodling; maybe it’s on occasional been a bit, shall we say, headier – especially in the long months while Raquel is away at college and DJ James Kennedy gets lonely – but Logan has developed a passionate love for James. One drunken night Logan claims he and James are “f–king”, something he reveals out of jealousy over James’ public love for Raquel. There’s more to the story but I’ll get to it in a bit.
Other than the constant swapping of biological matter, it’s sort of fascinating how these citizens of SUR have evolved into a writhing mass of ever-changing couplings. I wouldn’t want them touching my food though…
In resolution of the original lovers quarreling triangle, Kristen and Katie Maloney have flown Brittany’s mom Sherri into town to try and help Brittany see the light. Jax would rather do body shots off Kristen and go back to jail for stealing sunglasses, than have to explain to Sherri why he cheated and beg her forgiveness, but Brittany promises that if her family doesn’t accept her relationship with Jax, they relationship is done. Yeah right. Brittany looks for life advice in the bottom of a box of KFC by reading the leftover cracklins and envisioning secret messages. Brittany may be the loveliest person to grace this gross show, but if she’s stupid enough to fall for Jax’s BS over and over again, then she deserves him!
But Kristen isn’t done with Jax! She has another trick up her sleeve – she’s also flown Brittany’s sister Tiffany to LA. It’s the double-whammy of Country Bumpkin-ism, and not only will Jax need to grovel to these backwoods Walmart Barbies, he’ll have to introduce them to life in the big citeeeee. (Neither Sherri or Tiffany know that sparkling water was the same thing as soda water, and when Jax is the ‘smart one’ in any situation… Le sigh). I almost feel bad for Jax on this one. Almost.
Tiffany makes her appearance at Peter Madrigal‘s birthday party, which is also a celebration for Carter. It took me about 15 minutes of trying to recall who Carter was before I noticed Kristen sucking some man’s finger in an unholy and frankly dangerous looking way and placed him as her boyfriend. Gnarly.
Poor Peter, who is also lovely, had his whole party overshadowed by Scheana Marie. She probably thought it was actually HER party since everything is about Scheana. She probably brought her own photos to pass out as party-favors. Scheana also thinks everyone is STILL talking about how Rob made-out with some girl from Toca Madera (this restaurant must be secretly owned by someone at SUR for how many mentions it’s getting). Didn’t we resolve that last week when Rob appeared to give Scheana her smile back? Apparently not!
The new issue is that Lala had lunch with Katie, and now they like each other. Now Lala just wants everyone to get along! Except Lala is supposed to be Scheana’s friend. And Scheana is the all-important pinnacle around which all friendships should focus. Since Scheana is barely hanging on after Katie ‘ruined her perfect’ by suggesting that Rob cheated – she won’t survive Lala leaving her too. Scheana is wallowing in despair and might go on another hunger strike so get your croissant sandwiches aimed and ready!
Now look, I think Scheana makes the good point that Katie has NOT changed and is absolutely on a ‘redemption tour‘ after last season’s Bridezilla From Hell behavior. Katie DID treat Scheana (and Lala) abysmally horribly and disgustingly. I also think Scheana has been burned enough times by the Three-Headed SheBeast that she’s cognizant that this fake forgiveness is part of Katie’s pattern. Yes, Scheana being cognizant of anything is shocking, but she’s oddly and fanatically attuned to any situation in which people aren’t focusing on her in the correct way. In fact, Scehana actually did the same thing to Ariana Madix that she worries Lala will do to her: ditch her real friend to fit-in with the witches. But Lala is a big girl. And a ragey one!
Everyone is irritated at everyone else for being overly involved in each other’s relationships, and Scheana is more on edge than the denim Jacket resting on her shoulders. She starts melting down on Kristen and Katie for being fake f–king bitches who lie, then deny, and are only using Lala to make themselves look better. Before Katie can even offer a whiny rebuttal, Lala Of Rage Mountain lets loose a lava of modern feminism about how women should lift each other up; forgive and get along. “ENOUGH” Lala drunkenly roars, trying to bop them all on the heads with a women’s march placard, but too late because in swoops Tom Schwartz to FINALLY find his voice and defend his wife by calling Scheana the fakest person there, as evidenced by her nails. Doesn’t Katie also have fake nails on?
Tom wails and yells about all the things that are wrong with Scheana, who rebuttals that he should focus more on being faithful to the woman he claims to love so much. Touche! All this time Lisa Vanderpump was perched on a faraway settee interviewing Sherri about the likelihood of her insisting Brittany dump Jax. Apparently, Sherri (like the producers) have a soft-spot for Jax’s shenanigans, and do hate to see him lose the only decent thing he has going for him…
After Scheana escapes Tom 2‘s wrath of emotional denial, Lala bemoans how women can’t get along while Ariana tries to explain just how deep and twisted Scheana’s psychology of obsession is surrounding the approval of Stassi, Katie and Kristen. Ergo Lala promises Scheana she’ll never leave her. That’s nice.
Meanwhile a drunken Logan finds himself alone in a darkened Uber, with a woman from a place he’s never heard of where the wild ferns grow atop yer eyebrows, and the whole scene makes him feel like he’s in a confessional booth, so he confesses to being intimate and so much more with DJ James Kennedy, master of mixing. Star F–king can be so confusing, Logan!
The next day Lala and James meet for tennis, and despite being hella hungover, they look bright-eyed and full of ballsy zingers – and they both have glowing skin. No wonder everyone hates them!
James makes Lala chase his balls for a change, then he is the voice of reason about why Scheana has so many issues with Katie, and Lala understands. She really does. Lala in return warns James that people are really starting to suspect his sitch with Logan. Lala has also noticed that ‘Quel (as in Raquel) ain’t down with sharing the great James Kennedy. James Freudian slips that Logan is his girlfriend, but he gives Raquel plenty of love. Hmmm…
It’s a shame James and Lala aren’t friends anymore cause I do adore them together.
Jax is now reduced to playing Butler to the Bumpkins. He’s on sandwich runs, dog walking, and cleaning – yet there are complaints, complaints, complaints! He’d leave the country if it weren’t for that pesky felony which says he can’t! Canada or Cantada?
At least Tom and Katie are all good! Tom 2 brags to Lisa that in being mean to Scheana he finally overcame his fear of defending his wife. Once Katie started letting him get drunk without constant rage-texting, he’s finally fallen in love with her. This newfound love allows him to understand complex human relationship theories, like what fallacy implores Brittany to stay with Jax. It’s a box in which you find yourself so deep inside, it’s easier to stay and just eventually allow it to collapse, than to try to climb out. I can’t recall the name of the theory, but how intriguing that this perfectly encapsulates Tom and Katie – and definitely seems to reflect how Tom treats his own marriage! Let’s call it The Theory Of Ring On A String.
Kristen is finally allowed back on SUR’s premises and comes to eat lunch in Brittany’s section. Kristen is so superfluous, that her only role is to occasionally appear to stir shit no one else wants to touch. Like hypothesizing that although James isn’t gay, she’s certain he’s “waded in the penis pond” with Logan. Kristen would be the expert on the penis pond…
The convenient hypocrisy from these empathic cheaters is amazing. They all judge EACH OTHER for cheating and being disastrous in love, or having fluid sexuality, all while doing it themselves.
It is Jax who returns the favor to James when after a boxing class he announces that Logan told Tiffany they’re hooking up. James is shocked and disgusted. Is he shocked because he wanted his downlow moments to remain just that, or because Logan is lying, compromising their friendship? Raquel is also unhappy – she’s frustrated with sharing James Kennedy, and she’s enough of a realist (SHOCKINGLY) to recognize that she’s dating James. Basically Raquel doesn’t think anyone should be getting in line to fight for James. Maybe there is more to Raquel than her stunning good looks and baby dolphin squeaks? Maybe there’s a Conversation Hearts shaped brain inside that perfectly coiffed head?
Lala theorizes that James likes attention – from anyone – and wants to feel desired, so he lets Logan’s love and affections go too far.
While James is trying to clear his name that he would never cheat on Raquel with Logan, Jax is forced to take Sherri and Tiffany to dinner to explain that sparkling waters run deep. He’s the sparkling water, in case your wondering.
After initially blaming the cheating on his own issues, Jax spins it around to complain that his bad behavior was triggered by Brittany sleeping and eating all day, but then shifts back to whining that he is so ashamed of himself and hates himself for all the turmoil he’s caused, but he can’t go into detail. Sherri, who would buy anything – even frosted lipstick and speaking in tongues – buys this garbage too. Stassi predicted Jax would worm his way out, just like he wormed his way in – and ‘worm’ is definitely the operative word here. Meanwhile Jax is jubilant that Kristen’s plan backfired, and Sherri forgave him. SO, Jax is staying with Brittany to spite Kristen?
On the day they leave LA, Sherri tells Brittany to give Jax another chance because she believes he’s remorseful and wants to change.
Then James visits for an eleventh hour interview with Tiffany, the original source of Logan’s revelation. After Tiffany shares what was said, James secretly calls Logan on speakerphone where Logan immediately admits that he lied about sleeping with James because he’s in love with him and wishes it was true. James cries over losing a true friend, but on the bright side, at least he still has Raquel! And has been vindicated, kind of. I’d say in terms of wins and losses, he’s fared better than Brittany, any way.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK JAMES HAS WADED IN THE PENIS POND WITH LOGAN (DOES IT MATTER?)? IS SCHEANA THE FAKEST PERSON ON VANDERPUMP RULES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]