Comscore

Scheana Marie

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a matter of love and death. In the complete and utter trainwreck that is watching Scheana Marie transcend from Stage Five Clinger to total stalker and future subject of Snapped (or her own Lifetime Movie Of The Week). Jax Taylor was literally drowning (*well kinda) but Scheana was drowning in her own delusion and Rob Valetta is not about to be dragged under with her.

Thankfully Rob can swim perfectly, and amazingly, and better than anyone in the whole wide word even Michael Phelps, and he can also save people with his boogey board of life! Just ask Jax!

There was so much relationship dysfunction last night that the thought of looking through a Choose Your Own Designer Vagina catalog seems like the lesser of evils. Yes, that is a thing, but you have to be willing to travel to Thailand to get it installed… Do they make any that are STD resistant?

Half the crew is in Big Bear where every time you hear the word “Rob” you have to drink. That explains why everyone is wasted. That or just being trapped in a confined space with Scheana. Actually, if you add all the times Scheana says “Rob” with all the times Lala Kent says “My Man,” you’d be unconscious – which may be the only way to deal with James Kennedy‘s weird wishful thinking menage-a-trois between himself, Lala, and Raquel Leviss. Where can Raquel travel to get a functioning brain installed? Does Wizard Of Oz Medical Compound accept insurance?

According to Scheana, Super Rob is also The World’s Most Interesting Man! In addition to hanging a TV in seven minutes or less, he can ski, snowboard, AND wakeboard! And also paddle a boogie board out to a buoy in case of emergency, put gas in a boat, and sleep through an entire cabin full of people learning what cleaning is for the first time. But his really, really, really amazing skill is “hurting people’s feelings” by stringing them along without saying the L-word. The L word Rob should be learning is “Leave” as in “Scheana, LEAVE me alone and LEAVE all my houses because they’re not yours.” Of course he’s probably scared Scheana would burn them to the ground if he said that…

The thing is I’d feel bad for Rob, but he’s kind of an arrogant douche and after all: HE CHOSE SCHEANA. I do think we need to contact Vanderpump Dogs about staging a rescue coup for those animals. Even though Scheana is a cat person. Or maybe they also rescue humans. #FreeRobAndRaquel

Jax Taylor almost drowns

Scheana isn’t the only one totally enraptured by Rob’s studliness. After a night of drinking leads to the soul crashing realization that at age 40 he’s pretty much done nothing with his life except screw over women and narrowly evade prison time, Jax decides to impress Rob by waking up to run and do calisthenics. Except the old man forgot his ventilator and the mountain air is hard on the lungs! When running doesn’t work he opts for sit-ups on the dock, and then upon Rob’s suggestion, tries to swim out to the buoy and back. Jax makes it there, doggy paddling with gusto, but on the return trip needs floaties and calls for help.

Jax almost drowns

The lifeguard actually assumed Jax was playing a prank, and didn’t move, until SUPER ROB leaps into action! Unfortunately for Jax no mouth-to-mouth from Rob was needed! Jax is towed to shore on a float while all the girls watch from the kitchen window, laughing hysterically that he almost died. Poor Jax … everyone else is on spring break, he’s on Weekend At Bernie’s (and he’s Bernie).

Of course this being Jax, he dines out on his near death experience for attention and to avoid lifting a finger for the rest of the trip. Almost dying is exhausting, y’all – now pass Jax that beer and help him climb on a jet ski! So this is how he’s weaseling his way back into Brittany Cartwright‘s sandwiches…

And this being Scheana she makes a big deal about how Rob “saved the day again.” In Scheana’s eyes Super Rob is the subject of a cartoon, instead of a man who is kind of a Patrick-level douche-a-saurus. I mean, there is a reason he’s with Scheana, people! He has a crazy chip. And shifty eyes. Also he kisses and tells to Scheana’s friends that he hasn’t said “I love you” yet –  even though she says it to him all the time. Approximately 200 times a day. (It’s Rob’s fault for being so sexy — like have you seen the man put something in the garbage can?!)

Rob doesn't love Scheana

Rob sharing this information with Jax and Tom 1 is a bit dangerous disloyal, but maybe he needed help processing his extreme bad decision in being Scheana’s post-divorce rebound fling. You know Rob assumed this would be a few weeks of no strings attached hot freedom sex, instead of Scheana writing Rob + Scheana = Madison Marie Parks-Valetta on a billboard off the 101. Oh, you didn’t know? They’ve named their first daughter and are picking out houses! Rob doesn’t know either. But he should know that this ‘bro-down’ going to bite him in the ass in a HUGE scary jaws of death way! After all, Scheana has some major veneers after her dental accident.

Rob also claims he was engaged to the Sultan of Brunei’s daughter but dumped her cause she wasn’t ‘The one’. Uh-huh…

Jax & Tom's hot pink underwear

Since it’s what he does, Rob saves the day some more by getting out the speed boat. Unfortunately, Jax and Tom 1 are no “Robs” so they both lose their pants in the process. Tom was intentionally wearing “pop of color” swim briefs underneath his board shorts, but Jax was actually wearing matching hot pink underwear under his trunks? This makes no sense – as so many things do.

While the rest of the crew is losing their pants jetskiing, Lala is floating around with her top off. Raquel watches on and probably plots Lala’s ‘accidental’ drowning. They’ve already had one near-death experience, so the authorities might believe it…

Lala confronts James - again

In the omnipresent weirdness between James and Lala, Lala continues to tease James and call him her bestie, knowing he’s madly in love with her. Sweet Raquel has no idea what to do. James believes if only he’d been Kanye instead of Ray J, Lala would be dating him instead of “My Man” – who is the love of her life so long as he keeps the Chanel bags and PJ’s coming. Raquel finally confronts Lala, but instead of Raquel telling James he’s being inappropriate, it’s LALA who pulls him aside – into the hot tub – to explain that although he’s is allowed to flirt with her, it’s “My Man” who has her heart. James promises to stay in his corner, if only because he wants to pretend to love Raquel, but he just can’t quit Lala.

James promises to leave Lala alone

James and Scheana need Stalker Rehab.

Billie Lee

Everyone in Big Bear is getting Too Much Information About Rob, but Lisa Vanderpump is getting too much info about Billie Lees custom vagina. It’s like Build A Bear, but for crotches! How is Billie Lee able to afford all these international build-a-babe trips on a hostess salary… Does she have a “My Man” with a PJ? Then Lisa does Stassi Schroeder‘s podcast which is predictably galvanizing ridiculous because Stassi wants to share advice on keeping a man with her listeners.

Lisa Vanderpump learns about designer vagainas

Lisa is also planning things. Like Tom 1 and Tom 2 coming to Vegas with her to help choose features for Tom-Tom. Except the trip is also Tom 1’s birthday and this gives Ariana Madix the sads. You know how she owns all the birthdays! Now she’ll have to celebrate Tom’s big day without Tom, and eat his cake all by her lonesome, because Tom is off growing up. She guilt trips Tom until he calls his boss to ask permission to bring his girlfriend on a business trip. Which is proof that Tom has never been on a business trip, because as Lisa patiently explains she will not be spending 24/7 baby-sitting Tom and Tom, so their free time is their own.

Jax and Katie Maloney also start inviting themselves. Katie doesn’t trust Tom 2 alone in Vegas because even though their marriage is like SOOOO OMG AMAZING like a mariachi band interrupting your date night dinner, he still might get drunk and make out. He’d probably try to put the moves on Lisa! Jax just wants to sabotage Tom and Tom cause he’s jealous. Oh, and he also wants to celebrate Tom 1’s birthday with him — of course!

Before leaving Big Bear, Super Rob turns into Mr. Roper, the overbearing landlord and demands that Scheana have all her friends clean up the cabin and prepare it for the next round of guests. It turns out Rob runs an Air B&B but is too cheap for housekeeping — which is why he has Scheana. While Rob sleeps, Scheana walks around with a double-checking her binder full of checklists, which include washing all the placemats, stripping the beds, vacuuming, etc. Most of her friends thought a vacuum was an extremely sophisticated vibrator, so Scheana has to do more nagging and whining than usual! Jax is too tired to clean after nearly dying and all.

Kristen DouteFirst, Kristen made this face, cause Scheana is crazier than a dumpster fire behind SUR.

Back in LA, Scheana has Kristen Doute over to eat hummus off the coffee table while sitting on the floor. With water – through a straw. That’s when Kristen drops the bomb that, courtesy of Jax, everyone now knows Rob hasn’t told Scheana he loves her… even though Schenaa has been telling everyone about the wedding they’re planning!

Scheana

According to Scheana, Rob doesn’t need to tell Scheana he loves her – because she just knows! The love is there – it’s everywhere in the air, in the water, in the adoring look in Rob’s eyes as he checks out another girl over her shoulder! They’re probably gonna do a photo shoot together so she can replace her wedding photos with Robeana Photos. They’re planning things – like babies! There’s so much love, they’re even starting a company to sell off their ex’s stuff. It’s like eBay for things ex’s left behind – like Shay’s snowboard. Uh, eBay and Craigslist already exist for that? They should call it “EX-cess Baggage” which is funnily enough probably how Rob has Scheana listed in his phone!

Kristen loves some crazy!Then Kristen made this face, because destroying Jax is her personal Jesus. Bring on the instagram stalking!

Scheana rambles on and on and on about her perfect relationship with perfect Super Rob, until the level of denial makes even Kristen feel squirmy. Then Scheana decides Jax must pay for ruining her happy, so she’s going to f–k with his relationship! Suddenly a slow smile comes across Kristen’s face… now THIS is some crazy she understands! Except conundrum: doesn’t everyone just LOVE Brittany?!

Kristen Wants To Open A Restaurant With Lisa Too; Is Hoping To Be Involved With Tom Tom Please BravoGods – No

TELL US – IS ROB LEADING SCHEANA ON? IS LALA LEADING JAMES ON? HAVE YOU BOUGHT A VAGINA FROM THAILAND?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]