Vanderpump Rules Recap: Things That Go Creep In The Night

I really hate it when I have to confront political or social quagmires in a reality show – like when last night’s Vanderpump Rules address the oh-so-prescient ‘me too’ movement (albeit without actually saying the words). Ironically, given the (well-deserved) criticism she took for her own attitude and statements about other women who came forward, it was Stassi Schroeder raising alarm and complaining about people always defending men.

The man in question is Ariana Madix‘s brother Jeremy. Jeremy asks Billie Lee out on a date, which she’s excited about, but when she shares the good news with Stassi and Kristen Doute their four-way flashers immediately go on. Kristen warns Billie to keep the date “in public” and Stassi says Jeremy is “creepy.” Stassi recounts that at Katie Maloney‘s wedding Jeremy was hitting on her – and everyone else – in a way that was frankly uncomfortable and camera footage reveals him grabbing Stassi in a bear hug while promising to leave her alone. And it was creepy! And uncomfortable.

And herein lies the problem: do we judge Jeremy purely on what I imagine was drunken footage of him behaving grossly, or do we give him another chance and hope that this was just drunken behavior, that maybe he was uncomfortable being filmed and acting out, and that in general he’s the nice guy who literally RAN INTO A BURNING SUR to grab a fire extinguisher before the restaurant was engulfed? I mean Jax Taylor or James Kennedy would never do that, and they’re both creepy too!

Tom & Jax Wear Rompers

So with that prequel out of the way, let’s start with last night’s most gross moment: Jax and the Toms wearing rompers to a birthday party at Hooters. The party was actually for Jax. Brittany Cartwright is a ride or die Hooters girl – obviously considering the pair she got strapped to her chest (given that she’s also ride or die Jaxer, she’s obviously a glutton for punishment). Brittany and Jax actually met at Hooters so it’s only orange-spandex and panty hose fitting that she throw him his 38th birthday party there. Except Jax doesn’t deserve this greasy buffet of salty everything. Well he does deserve Scheana Marie, who moments after Jax waltzes through the door to a buffet of chicken wings (but thankfully NO ranch fountain), is confronted about the TERRIBLE LOVE-RUINING LIES he is telling about Super Rob.

Scheana Marie

Oh god is Scheana is a desperate hot mess. It’s so bad that it’s painful for me to have to deal with all the second hand embarrassment I feel as she tries to clear up what exactly Rob said. Like Did Rob tell Jax he’s not in LOVE with her, or that they don’t say “I Love You” every day because “that way it gives it so much more meaning.” Um, what Rob specifically said is that he never says those words so I don’t know what meaning Scheana is finding from silence. Maybe she thinks of Rob’s silence as Mad Libs and the silence is the insert any adjective, verb, adverb etc. here? Or she thinks she’s dating a shiny vampire whose stoic nature arose from thousands of years of invincibility in the face of evil? Anyway even Jax throws his hands up, but thankfully Scheana leaves the party and we get a temporary reprieve from OMG ROB.

Jax Taylor can't take Scheana's delusion

The high point was the Toms gifting Jax with a women’s romper – I have no idea why – then they all put them on and danced. Then Jax hugged Brittany and told her how amazing she was. At this everyone is confused because A) why on earth would Brittany reward Jax’s bad behavior with over-the-top parties and electric drum kits? I think it’s fair to say Brittany probably thinks Pavlov is a Russian vodka, and Pavlov’s Dog’s an accompanying cocktail. Like when Jax cheated on Stassi she decimated his baller champagne collection then did every unthinkable thing she could imagine in revenge – including a voodoo doll that counteracted any attempt at anti-aging (OK, I made that up, but I mean it’s possible…); and B) Jax is still complaining about Brittany.

Out of the goodness of her heart Scheana decides Brittany deserves better and is gong to set her up on a date with the new hot SURver Adam, who apparently has a crush on Brittany. At first Brittany isn’t on board, but then Jax starts a fight with her because he overhears Brittany confiding in her dad about Jax’s cheating. Predictably Jax tries to turn HIS behavior all around to blame Brittany for not being “perfect” as the reason why he cheated. After that it’s like Adam, call me maybe, but definitely buy me some tequila shots!

Scheana says she wants Brittany to know her worth, and also not find herself in Scheana’s shoes which is 32, childless, divorced, and starting all over after marrying a man she knew she wasn’t in love. So, WHY the televised wedding you ask? Oh television! Also Scheana in the Spotlight. That all sounds very nice, and it’s also one of the few honest statements we’ve ever gotten out of Scheana, but then she goes right back to planning her fantasy wedding to Rob and building their Barbie Dream House. Also her true motive for setting Brittany is up is to seek revenge on Jax for gossiping about Rob so it has absolutely nothing to do with her being a “good friend.”

Brittany is still, now and forever, on the fence with Jax though. She knows he’s a scoundrel who will always do her wrong, but she’s madly in love with him and that’s that. Well, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!

James & Raquel

Speaking of dogs, James’s dad Ambrose visited from England and he is everything I hope James does not turn into: an aging party boy in desperate need of dental attentions. Basically Jax 15 years from now (minus the teef). Did Ambrose at one point have a gold grill that he sold for pints? James has some seriously raw emotion about his childhood and his dad. His dad gave him a love of music and has always supported this, but Lisa Vanderump used to know Ambrose from around the 80’s British scene, and hints that he’s majorly skeevey. Ambrose comes to James’ C-U-Next-Tuesday gig, where Raquel Leviss has to remind James that he’s not allowed to drink as James’ dad is pushing booze on him and ragging on him for tee-totaling. Raquel is too good for James – someone ought to do a Save Raquel campaign. Lisa’s next rescue venture should be women who date losers.

Meet James' dad Ambrose

Later James does meet his dad for a drink and it’s awkward. James cries about his family’s painful fall from grace after his dad fell out with George Michael, eventually they were reduced to living above a pub. It sounds like both his parents have drinking problems and it was just really heartbreaking. Poor James. His parents explain so much about his behavior. No wonder Lisa has such a soft spot for him.

And, finally, working backwards again, let’s talk Jeremy. Billie Lee and Jeremy go on their date and they seem to have an nice time. He tells her he sees her as a woman, regardless of where that womanhood began, and isn’t in anyway worried that she’s trans. Hopefully he’s sincere because that was very cool. And just as Stassi had decided Billie had done nothing to piss her off YET, Billie made the ‘mistake’ of telling Scheana and Lala Kent what Stassi and Kristen had said about Jeremy being creepy. Hmmm… we all knew THAT was gonna go over well, Billie! As well as one of those horrible mullet dresses Scheana tried talking you into wearing!

Billie Lee

This upsets Lala off because she sees it as them trying to rain on Billie’s parade, also she’s never experienced creepy Jeremy. Also Lala is looking for a new reason go hate Stassi – which isn’t difficult, obviously. Of course, Lala and Scheana repeat their comments to Ariana – just as as the girls are getting together for girls night out to support Brittany! Look – Brittany is a lost cause, help Raquel instead!

Guess how girls’ night went?!

Girls Night on Vanderpump Rules

Ariana is hurt and offended, and also shocked that anyone would say that about there brother. Then before anyone even gets one drink in Lala confronts Stassi, who would rather talk about her underboob sweat and or even how much Rob loves Scehana’s new hair-free vagina. That I DO believe Rob loves! Finally we found something.

Ariana gets her vagina lasered

In all the creepiness did I forget to mention the puke-inducing scene of Ariana, Lala, and Scheana getting their hooh-has hair-free? It’s all part of Ariana’s ‘Learn To Love My Vagina’ campaign. According to Lala, feminist hero, Ariana’s labia could get her a job in porn! Women supporting women is just so inspiring!

Speaking of, Katie goes ahead and tells Ariana that all her bridesmaids were complaining about Jeremy being “predatory” at the wedding, and according to Katie, instead of defending Jeremy, Ariana should be advocating for the victims who aren’t there to defend themselves. Or something COMPLETELY nonsensical. In response, Ariana sulked that none of them are her friends and left. The sad part is I do think there is some degree of petty bitterness that they feel Ariana constantly snubs their predatory friendships.

Kristen & Stassi

The next day Katie has Stassi and Kristen over to make male pattern baldness potions perfume, and Tom 1 who is visiting Jax’s new drum set, storms over to confront them about Jeremy. I love when Tom 1 gets all ragey and agro. It’s his most fetching look.

Jeremy certainly looks like he needs a bath – or at least a spritz of that perfume (or cootie spray), but does that make him a total skeevy creepster? Were Stassi and Kristen just being friends to Billie, or did they have malicious intent?

Tom 1 Tantrum

Poor Tom 2 finds himself in the invidious position of having to decide which of his loves to defend, both of whom he is now legally bound to in some capacity (Tom 1 in business; Katie in marriage). Tom 2 who can’t even decide between which pair of shower shoes to wear, stands there squeezing his hair for comfort while Tom 1 accuses Stassi and Kristen of trying to ruin Jeremy’s reputation for attention and threatens to “start telling the truth” about them. Stassi storms out because she’s tired of everyone just always defending men for their bad behavior and acting like women are making it up. Which is a true and excellent point.

Tom 2 is Le Sad

Then Katie kicks Tom 1 out, leaving Tom 2 all panic-y that he may never be allowed to come back again and he’ll be forced further into his prison by the Three-Headed SheBeast. Oh no – he might be forced into the perfume coven!

Dang – it’s a toughy!

Scheana’s Mom Defends Her Against Haters; Calls Out Stassi


[Photo Credits: Bravo]