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The ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas entered the ring with their guns blazing, their stilettos sharpened like razors, and their eyes shooting daggers through the 64 layers of wet look eyeshadow. Their dresses are designed to blind, confuse, and kill as all the sequins reflect off everyone’s egos causing insanity.

I actually think Andy Cohen was on fire last night and was a great moderator; pushing back against the nastiness and crap.

This reunion is all about D’Andra Simmons, and her feuds with literally everyone. Which is apt because the very first thing that was discussed was Beaver Creek and the fight D’Andra had with LeeAnne Locken over who is the queen of Real Housewives Of Dallas.

That drama happened in a sacred sphere; a humble family abode once christened by the blessed saint of blonde princess-complexed women: Taylor Swift. She rented Kameron Westcott‘s house. It is the shining moment of Kameron’s rose-colored life. Kameron erected a shrine and Taylorettes probably did a yearly pilgrimage wearing pink satin PJs. Until that holy place was defiled by D’Andra shoving a K-Cup pod up her butt! I mean it could’ve touched her butt if D’Andra’s leggings had had a very unfortunately placed hole (they didn’t). Anyway after witnessing this assault to society Taylor will probably never ever be waltzing through the door again for fear she’ll make coffee with a poop-stained K Cup.

D’Andra allegedly told LeeAnne, Kameron and Cary Deuber that without her there would be no Real Housewives Of Dallas. But Brandi Redmond claims it was actually LeeAnne who constantly brags that she carries the show on her back. Like it’s a carny rucksack, and the only possession to her name!

RELATED: Cary Deuber & Stephanie Hollman Say LeeAnne Locken & D’Andra Simmons Argued About Who’s The star On Real Housewives Of Dallas

Brandi will be on D’Andra’s side in everything on this fateful reunion day. Interestingly Cary has switched loyalties and is firmly Team LeeAnne. Isn’t Brandi supposed to be Cary’s close friend… Cary is phony as a 3 dollar bill.

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Of course, there is no denying that LeeAnne feels this is “her” show. She even did an entire article about just that which D’Andra is alllll too eager to point out. Andy argues that part of being a Housewife is “having a healthy ego.” According to D’Andra LeeAnne’s is “off the charts.”  In response, LeeAnne whips a southern accent out of her butt, where it was housed next to D’Andra’s abandoned K-Pod. She slurs that D’Andra needs a separate couch for her ego.

I don’t know about D’Andra’s ego, but her attitude DEFINITELY needed its own sofa! She makes it abundantly clear that she did not come here to play games. D’Andra came here to represent as Mama Dee‘s daughter. She has secrets about LeeAnne which she has been waiting for two, loooong years to tell.

I was imagining sooo many deep, dark things. Like LeeAnne’s skin was really green, that she was secretly part cobra, that she once held the Guinness Book of World Records for most blow job jokes told in a single afternoon, that she stole Rich Emberlin from another woman… But what a letdown! This “illicit” secret was that before joining the show LeeAnne told D’Andra that Cary was going to fat shame her, just like she did to Mark Deuber. Um, I’m sorry. Cary is lots of annoying things – two-faced, untrustworthy, pot-stirring – but I really do not see her fat-shaming another Housewife. Least of all one she considered a long-time friend. She did fat shame Mark, but husbands are a different matter.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Finale Recap: Be! Be! Aggressive!

Cary flips out when she hears this accusation. She even calls D’Andra a “dumb bitch” for believing she would ever do something like that. LeeAnne, of course, says D’Andra lied. D’Andra is really, REALLY doing herself no favors here. I personally think it is very sad to see a long-time friendship go down in flames like this over some reality TV booowlshit. Pronounce the bull like you have Kameron’s valley-southern accent!

But seriously later LeeAnne is caught in another lie of convenience, which makes me think she probably did tell D’Andra this, knowing that weight is D’Andra’s biggest insecurity. And because LeeAnne hated Cary in season 2… It’s pretty much established that anything LeeAnne says should be taken with a salt trough.

For about half a second we move past D’Andra drama to discuss Brandi’s adoption, which once again because of Kameron drama. Kameron is STILL butt-hurt that Brandi didn’t tell her about adopting Bruin. Instead of graciously apologizing for not being a supportive friend, Kameron decides to come at Stephanie Hollman by accusing her of being insensitive to people’s fertility issues by joking about how she was throwing a baby shower for her own surrogate. OH PLEASE! I still do not get what Kameron’s deal is. She’s essentially suffering from hurt feelings-itis, but refuses to admit this. Instead, she continuously circles around the issue, then brings it back to the comfortable, hateful place: D’Andra. This time D’Andra is in the hot seat for telling Kameron that Brandi’s adoption is no one’s business, when as Kameron points out, D’Andra got all up in LeeAnne’s wedding business!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Baby Bashing Badgers Invade Beaver Creek

What was Kameron even doing here? She was literally having an argument with herself, against herself. She is defending her right to be offended that she was not included in Brandi’s adoption process. Then, she claimed D’Andra is in the wrong for trying to insert herself in LeeAnne’s wedding process. Um, it is a Housewives job to be in each other’s business? It’s like Number 2 in the code of conduct, right under talk shit about everyone.

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Things take a more humanizing turn when Stephanie discuss her battle with depression and opening up to LeeAnne about her suicide attempt. Stephanie explains it was a “very organic” moment where she forgot the cameras were rolling and decided that LeeAnne didn’t know who she was at all there was an opportunity for them to bond. Stephanie is so amazing. It’s incredible that she is brave and honest enough to share the realities of living with depression.

She is still very much affected by it and some days cannot get out of bed. Andy wonders if the show has been good or bad for Stephanie’s mental health. Stephanie insists she’s developed a thicker skin. Brandi agrees that Stephanie has really found her voice and more confidence. Of course, LeeAnne interjects to give some sort of self-help spiel she ripped off Joel Olsteen about harnessing the power of YOU and how your flaws are beautiful and strong. BAARF into a meditation bowl!

Then LeeAnne shares that she’s seeing TWO therapists, one to help her deal with RHOD (good). Brandi challenges LeeAnne to name her therapists – she won’t – because Tiffany Hendra told her LeeAnne has never been in therapy, and only sees a life coach. LeeAnne refuses, even after Brandi offers to share who her gynecologist – as if that’s a trade anyone wants!

RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Says D’Andra Simmons Brings Her “Ego, And Then Three More Seats For Her Ego” To Real Housewives Of Dallas

Then, LeeAnne is challenged about her amygdala by a viewer question. LeeAnne is insulted that so-and-so from Beaver Creek or wherever didn’t google the inflamed amygdala phenomena; prompting D’Andra to yell out that just like LeeAnne, WebMD is full of crap!

“Bitch, shut the f–k up,” LeeAnne snap, releasing her amygdala from its cage to go OFF on D’Andra. D’Andra fires back, “last season it was PTSD, this season it’s the amygdala…” What excuse next year what? Andy does think LeeAnne is more restrained, but Brandi argues  it is “until the cameras go down.”

D’Andra and LeeAnne fight SO hard and so low. I can’t even understand the shady tongues they are speaking in, and frankly, I don’t want to!

When did D’Andra and Cary start fighting? Did it have something to do with Cary and LeeAnne becoming friends which D’Andra doesn’t believe is genuine?

I know everyone has been dying to talk about Mark’s d–k some more and you’re in luck! Cary recently learned the originator of the Round Up rumor was a “disgruntled florist” she used to use. Which is just so hilarious. Since LeeAnne copped to being responsible for spreading said rumor Cary decided to “give grace” and forgive, tepidly. Now they’re so close LeeAnne and Rich are coming over for dinner to eat off Mark’s $70,000 oven. D’Andra does not like being replaced by LeeAnne, apparently. According to Cary, D’Andra is disparaging her business, and even Brandi’s!

RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Blasts D’Andra Simmons For Questioning Wedding Plans On Real Housewives Of Dallas

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On that note, Kameron whips out her phone to read a vent-y text from D’Andra trashing Lemon Avenue Laser Center for ruining people’s skin, and complaining about having to attend a Brandiland event. D’Andra insists she never sent it, then offers up her own phone as proof. Andy points out that a private text does not publicly disparage anything – until it’s shared on Real Housewives Of Dallas! “I just thought that we were friends, and it hurt my feelings,” Cary says, and that is the best point to make! Well said.

Instead of just apologizing for having a bad moment where she sent a crappy text about her friends, D’Andra blames LeeAnne for putting Kameron up to fabricating the text. “I don’t think you would make something like this up,” Brandi laughs, “but I do think LeeAnne would!” Cary avariciously scrolls through Kameron’s phone to check if D’Andra sent the text. Kameron is so incensed over being called a liar that she BADGERS Andy to call AT&T from the reunion to exonerate her. LOL

OMG what next – is Kameron gonna clone D’Andra’s top secret mystery phone?

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Finally, it’s time for round 32,000 of the Brandi vs. LeeAnne. Seemingly unable to remember this season AT ALL, since her amygdala was in a blood boiled vortex, LeeAnne wonders why Brandi initially turned against her. “ME!?” Brandi shrieks, channeling her best Kelly Dodd and shattering the eardrums of Wacha who was probably backstage,  “YOU STARTED IT.”

Andy reminds LeeAnne it was actually she who started everything when she warned D’Andra that Brandi was an untrustworthy, bad influence, then told anyone who would listen Brandi was an alcoholic – oh, my bad, a drunk – who was ruining D’Andra’s social standing. LeeAnne even tattled to Mama Dee! 

RELATED: Real Housewives of Dallas’ LeeAnne Locken Gives Her Play-By-Play Of Brandi Redmond’s Manipulations

Brandi seems to think she deserves credit for not confronting LeeAnne at the rodeo, while she was wasted (ironic), but instead waited until they were both sober in the hopes of having a civil conversation. That conversation never came, because well, it’s Brandi and LeeAnne. The drama obviously erupted with Brandi shoving her ponytail up LeeAnne’s nose at Travis Hollman’s frat party until LeeAnne stabbed Brandi with her acrylic nail and started hissing at her in Satantic language. Everyone agrees – including Brandi – that Brandi was trying to provoke LeeAnne. Everyone – except LeeAnne – also agrees that LeeAnne’s VooDoo hissing was really f–king scary and unhinged.

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LeeAnne makes us feel dizzy enough to believe we’re wasted when she talks in circles about calling Brandi an alcoholic. Even Andy explains that inferring something is just as bad as saying it. As Stephanie mentioned, if LeeAnne doesn’t believe Brandi has a drinking problem, why would she keep making allusions to it? “You’re saying it without saying it,” explains Stephanie like she’s teaching a kindergarten class about feelings and friendship.

Stephanie believes that this season was a continuation of LeeAnne and Brandi’s batshit crazy drama from the previous season and the season before that, and their past lives… and this is the song that never ends, as ommmmmmmed by LeeAnne until we go into a trance-like state where we may actually be susceptible to believing her nonsense (We are not Cary and Kameron). Honestly, Stephanie is a Housewife whisperer, because LeeAnne is so intent to prove she’s ‘changed.’ She can’t even say anything back to Stephanie and literally sat there swallowing her words the words in her mouth.

RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Admits She Was “Out Of Bounds & Wrong” For Calling Brandi Redmond An Alcoholic On Real Housewives Of Dallas

In the end, LeeAnne offers another fake apology to Brandi, who accepts, and we all know by next week and next season they’ll be fighting over this and worse! Hilariously, LeeAnne says she only called Brandi an alcoholic at Kameron’s event because she had been drinking all day… Does no one on that stage see the irony of this?

Finally, we landed back on LeeAnne and D’Andra where LeeAnne found herself in MORE lies for claiming in a blog that she recorded her conversation with Mama Dee. Turns out LeeAnne just said that to try and demonstrate how certain she was that she never said alcoholic. This show and these cell phone lies!

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Girl – you cannot be sitting up there on the sofa ranting that D’Andra is a liar, telling her to jump in a lake and drown (gross!), when you’re caught in one lie after another. By your boss. JUST. STOP. THE. INSANITY. Watching Cary and Kameron squirm on the sofa as LeeAnne admits to recording lots of phone conversations, then admitting to being a chronic liar was hilarious.

You guys, I am officially fed up! All LeeAnne does is make excuses for her bad behaviors, which she tries to convince people is the same as identifying toxic behaviors and making changes. She needs a refund on all that alleged therapy, the Kindle Book she bought called Blaming Your Amygdala For Dummies, and the meditation bowl. And go ahead, and call me biased in the comments because I AM.

TELL US – WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON IN ALL THIS MESS? DID D’ANDRA SEND THAT TEXT? IS LEEANNE IN THERAPY?

 

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