I just don’t even know where to begin. Who provoked whom, who started what, who did such and such illegal thing… Brandi and LeeAnne are a two-headed snake biting its own tail after getting confused by all the excess weave hair in their faces. They should just go to couples therapy and be done with it. I can’t pick a winner or a loser here. Well, I can pick a winner, but it’s Stephanie Hollman. Stephanie ‘PH–king’ Hollman.
However, so many good things did happen for the ladies of Dallas last night! Stephanie bought a foam machine. LeeAnne picked a date and wedding location. D’Andra Simmons got a company. Woot!
To start, Stephanie and Travis’s ultimate frat party is like my favorite season finale party in the history of the Real Housewives franchise. Plus it makes perfect sense given that these girls were all in a sorority and act like overgrown sorority girls still!
Obviously, number one party pal Brandi assists Stephanie with the planning, which means drinking wine while Steph’s assistant sets up the foam machine. Shockingly, Brandi tells us she didn’t drink much in college because she was cheerleading and had to keep her weight down. She has certainly made up for lost time!
LeeAnne drags Rich Emberlin to Cathedral Of Hope, Dallas’s largest LGBTQ church because she too is “different.” Whatever – LeeAnne and Rich are cute. I hope these two crazy kids make it! Whenever
pigs fly that wedding date happens…
Momma Dee finally gives a rip about what D’Andra wants, so she officially signs over control of the company. D’Andra cries because mommy is finally proud of her, y’all! But just in case Momma Dee rises from the dead and snatches those green forever drinks out of D’Andra’s hands, Jeremy Locke films the contract signing on his iPhone for posterity. Is that admissible in a court of law? Isn’t that kind of like LeeAnne filming Brandi’s titties for tatties “for posterity”? Kidding!
Before the party, LeeAnne shops with Kameron Westcott. Kameron doesn’t know what to purchase because no one gave hostess gifts at frat parties when she was in college. People were too busy being “butt wasted” to care about etiquette – Kam included!
Of course, within 2 seconds of getting together, they talk about Brandi. LeeAnne is more convinced than ever that Brandi stole her phone. Therefore, she has decided to approach the frat party as “the attack LeeAnne party.” Funny – I thought it was the send Travis off to Harvard Business School party.
Kameron doesn’t think Brandi necessarily stole the phone but was fortuitous in finding it at the bar, then took her time returning it while doing reconnaissance. She doesn’t blame Brandi, because if someone had a naked video of her she’d do the same!
LeeAnne’s new theory is that Brandi wouldn’t have been worried about her phone being cloned if she didn’t have something to hide. Like data from LeeAnne’s stolen phone being found. Which would only be possible if their phones were next to each other for an extended period of time.
OK, does that make ZERO sense to anyone else? First of all, neither one of them is an international iPhone hacker. Brandi didn’t have LeeAnne’s passcode, so she couldn’t open the phone. Are their phones like speaking in code? Can they communicate even though their owners cannot? Did the phones have special phone-speak convos – reading each other’s gigabytes? I mean, I wouldn’t want anyone cloning my phone even though I have nothing to hide except how many Amazon purchases I made last week or how often I checked Instagram. (embarrassingly a lot on both counts!)
ALSO: PHONES DO NOT CLONE EACH OTHER! ALSO LEEANNE, YOU STARTED THE CLONING STORY BY TELLING KAM THAT BRANDI’S PHONE WAS NEXT TO YOURS AND YOU CLONED IT. Now suddenly Brandi cloned it when she was holding LeeAnne’s phone hostage after kidnapping it? Did she break into LeeAnne’s room? AM I stupid? No, I am not, but LeeAnne and Brandi – you both are!
LeeAnne is also upset that no one reached out to her since she admitted to lying about cloning Brandi’s phone. Which is all Brandi’s fault for acting like the victim. Of course, LeeAnne believes she is the rightful victim. As revenge LeeAnne threatens to unleash “Bitch LeeAnne” at the party. Kameron looks scared, but Kameron knows she just has to stay on LeeAnne’s good side or risk getting whacked with her meditation ball.
While LeeAnne has been plotting revenge – again – Stephanie has been peacefully constructing Jello shots and a Solo Cup montage of Tao Phi Eta – (TOH) for “Travis PH–king Hollman”. I need this art in my living room. Brandi arrives at the party in her high school cheerleading uniform because of course she STILL has that. Even though it barely fits over her boobs and reminds me of a horror movie about a demented cheerleader who enacts her revenge after being replaced as the popular girl.
Of course, Brandi and Stephanie immediately start talking about LeeAnne and phony phone clone gate. At her fashion show, after LeeAnne admitted the cloning was a lie. Kameron called Brandi to say LeeAnne was just joking about the phone being hacked. Brandi doesn’t understand why Kameron would do LeeAnne’s dirty work (me either girl!) to rewrite history. Stephanie believes Kameron is afraid of LeeAnne, but wants the protection of being friends with someone like her, who is forceful and essentially crazy enough that everyone will leave Kam alone. So LeeAnne is Kameron’s bodyguard. That’s one scary-ass safety net.
“Kameron really takes up for LeeAnne in anything she says,” explains Stephanie. “Like Kameron will take her side over anything, but sometimes that’s not being a good friend. That’s being a good doormat.” I love when Stephanie puts on her social work therapist ponytail. She’s so smart I want to throw her a keg party before she leaves for HarvERD.
While Brandi and Stephanie diagnose Kameron and LeeAnne’s co-dependent friendship, LeeAnne goes to Kameron’s to get ready. Things get real, real creepy real quick when Kameron asks LeeAnne to wash her hair for her. Like this could be the start of some sorority girl porn, but one where no one has sex because Kameron doesn’t do things that are icky. Like foam! That has diseases too.
Kameron is going to the party dressed as Cher from Clueless, even though that movie took place in high school, not college. Anyway, Cher-away and share she does because suddenly LeeAnne decides she needs the EXACT SAME OUTFIT so they can be twins. She runs out to go buy one immediately. Now LeeAnne isn’t just cloning phones, she’s cloning friends!
Why can’t LeeAnne be Ty, or better yet Di? Actually, LeeAnne is more like a Monet. In the car on the way to the party they talk about what else: Brandi! Kameron is convinced Brandi gets away with murder when LeeAnne doesn’t even get away with saying her hands could do murder if they like wanted to, but they don’t! That was a joke too! There is something so creepy about their friendship because it’s so inauthentic for Real Housewives Of Dallas purposes. It’s vaguely unnerving and cult-like. Like LeeAnne is some sort of Willy Wonka manipulating of all the shades of pink to alter Kam’s mind.
RELATED: LeeAnne Locken Wants Brandi Redmond To “Get Her Own Damn Storyline” On Real Housewives of Dallas; Claims D’Andra Simmons Tried To Get Her Fired From Another Reality Show
Kameron is excited that everyone will stare at the twinsie-besties as they arrive at the party in matching outfits. And stare they do, but not for the reason she hopes. “It seems less Clueless, and more Single White Female,” Cary Deuber observes.
I’m not sure what Cary is wearing either, though – basically a desperate outfit of hot pants and a crop top. Actually, I’m not sure about Cary at all anymore. Last night I realized that every problem this season has originated with Cary, who is wanting to absolve herself from being blamed for anything by constantly “being honest” aka making everyone else fight so she doesn’t have to. She’s a tattle-tale drama queen and it sucks. She is the one who told Brandi that D’Andra said she was talking about Brandi when she made the Adderall comment. Cary is the one, way back when, who initially told Brandi that LeeAnne called her a bad influence. Now Cary blames Brandi for pushing LeeAnne’s buttons and causing problems. Interesting!
The party starts out nice enough until LeeAnne and Stephanie start talking about phone-gate. Stephanie’s face when LeeAnne was on her rampage – just bored, glazed over, and exhausted. LeeAnne insists she was joking about the cloning. It was a tit and a tat that was bigger than a tit, but definitely, a joke which was justified because LeeAnne was hurt, stressed and betrayed, which Brandi deserves to also feel, so it was still a JOKE. Immediately Stephanie quickly corrects LeeAnne that it was a lie, not a joke. “I”m not Satan,” LeeAnne shrieks at Stephanie’s unamused face. But she sure wishes she was so people could go down in flames!
Meanwhile, Brandi talks to Kam. It starts out sweet with Brandi petting Kameron’s pony mane and purring that it’s soooo blonde and soft and straight while Kameron nuzzles Brandi’s cheerleading pompom. Then phone-gate is brought up. Kameron still isn’t sure if Brandi stole the phone or not. Maybe it’s a coincidence that Brandi had it. Um, hello, Copenhagen bars – you don’t have security cameras.
Brandi is adamant that LeeAnne left her phone in the bar and she is the messenger who is being set aflame by LeSatan. Kameron’s defense of LeeAnne is that she “legitimately” believes Brandi stole it. Logical or not, that’s her reality and her “next level” behaviors are therefore justified. “Use your brain,” Brandi shouts in response, which is apparently the lowest insult you can make to Kameron. She looks as aghast as if Brandi offered her a lap dance. “Kameron is going to support LeeAnne even when she’s lying. She is officially LeeAnne’s bitch,” snaps Brandi.
Stephanie has the brilliant idea that LeeAnne and Brandi should talk about how LeeAnne would never do anything nefarious – like steal a phone! – over “images of the Baltic Sea.” Cary supports this because LeeAnne and Brandi need to “build trust” to resolve their issues. LeeAnne professes to still be hurt that Brandi called her a “wicked bitch” (no she’s not) while Brandi rails that LeeAnne devastated her when she called her an alcoholic (oh shut up Brandi -you’re fine), which LeeAnne still denies doing. It was on camera.
Brandi practically cheered “Gimme a P-U-S-H! Be! Be! Aggressive!” to LeeAnne as she screamed in her face, pointing until LeeAnne snapped and poked Brandi in the chest multiple times. As a result, Brandi kicks LeeAnne out of Travis’s party because Stephanie is her best friend – HERS! ONLY!
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In the strangest moment ever, LeSatan emerges when LeeAnne goes into a weird trance shuffle requiring Cary to physically move her away from Brandi.
Look I know no one likes Brandi. She is annoying, whiny and well, “trashy,” to quote Kameron. And that’s hard to overlook, but I do not understand all the LeeAnne love! LeeAnne is self-aggrandizing, a perpetual martyr-victim, and completely untrustworthy. She’s said and done horrible things all season while espousing that she’s changed. The only reason people are on her side is that they dislike Brandi. LeeAnne keeps saying she is held to a different standard, but I actually think it’s the opposite. Everyone expects Brandi to just go along with whatever LeeAnne is spewing and fake-forgive as they did because it’s easier. When she doesn’t they blame her for causing problems.
Absolutely Brandi provoked LeeAnne at the party, which was unacceptable. Still, LeeAnne puts a target on her own back by always lying, making threats and accusations. Brandi, insincere or not, started the season trying to make peace, but LeeAnne rebuffed her. Then she told everyone that Brandi ruins D’Andra’s reputation because she’s a drunk. LeeAnne used Brandi to add fodder to her fight with D’Andra. Yet, Brandi isn’t allowed to get mad? Because people think she’s trashy. C’mon now, y’all.
While Brandi is fake sobbing in Stephanie’s arms, LeeAnne is gangsta rapping to herself about Brandi playing the victim. From the timeout corner of the party. When Cary comes over to check in, LeeAnne flings herself on the ground calling out to Jesus to save her from always being alone. Cary rolls her eyes and baptizes LeeAnne with back washed beer by dumping it in the grass next to her head. Which is how you put out a dumpster fire.
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Because she’s LeeAnne and because this show is off the rails amazing, she recovers from her tantrum in about 2 seconds to give a speech about how she did nothing wrong and did not escalate anything. Except she did. Just like Brandi did. By constantly accusing Brandi of stealing the phone, by calling her an alcoholic, by trying to ostracize her from the group. ESCALATING. Just like Brandi escalated the fight by constantly pushing LeeAnne’s buttons, making snarky comments, name-calling, and accusing LeeAnne of having a fake relationship. ESCALATING.
Cary agrees LeeAnne has changed (no she hasn’t). LeeAnne glows as Kameron tells her how she remained calm even when everyone was against her. Um, LeeAnne walked into the party saying “I’m gonna lose my cool.” Then Stephanie comes over and LeeAnne begs not to be sent home, so they all go in the foam pit.
Brandi also makes a miraculous recovery to do a keg stand with D’Andra, who is relieved to have a fun friend instead of LeeAnne who has a draining, dark energy which probably causes wrinkles. Also, D’Andra realizes LeeAnne only used her to social climb. She says LeeAnne uses Kameron the same way. Whatever happened to “make new friends but keep the old,” girls…
RELATED: Real Housewives of Dallas Cast Member Kameron Westcott On D’Andra Simmons: She Is “Letting Her Values Go And Demeaning Herself” To Be In The “Cool Crowd”
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]