On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the boobs were out on full display and bringing plenty of surprises with them! Mostly it was Porsha Williams pulling rabbits and silk scarves and all sorts of tricks out of her bra. Dennis McKinley had one hell of a memorable birthday!
Noelle Robinson is about to leave for Howard University to study dentistry. Since Cynthia Bailey has never even played a college kid on TV, she has no idea what to expect. Like should she teach Noelle about how to handle her liquor now, before she leaves to school by giving her brunch cocktails? Should she cut Noelle’s food, and open her juice boxes, and make sure she’s buckled into her car seat? Should she go to college too and live in the apartments next to the dorm? Or IN the dorm?! Can Mike Hill stay over in said dorm? So many worries!
Luckily Leon is visiting to lay the smack down that Noelle will be living in a scuzzy dorm like everyone else and leaving her car down at Lake Bailey where Cynthia can babysit that while leaving Noelle alone. Cynthia says she and Leon are like siblings at this point; meaning she doesn’t hesitate to tell him all about dating Mike. Do siblings flirt? And share forks full of strawberries and cream? What is going on in Cynthia’s family tree…
Later Cynthia and Leon Robinson take Noelle to brunch to discuss some college ground rules. Cynthia insists on treating her adult daughter like she’s 5. She practically licked a napkin to wipe Noelle’s face. Noelle is more than happy to go to college where she will be left to her own devices – except she wants to live off campus in an apartment. And have her car. In order to convince Leon, she says a shady prayer asking Materialistic Jesus to let her have all the rich girl perks. But Leon is the final word and his final “N-O.” Thankfully someone in this “sibling” duo has a brain!
Kandi Burrus and Todd Tucker meet Shamari and Ronnie DeVoe for dinner and gueeesss what – Shamari is talking about this open relationship again! Like we get it. Like we have heard more about this than Ronnie, your therapist, and the woman you ‘fake dated’ while having a fake affair have. This time Shamari reveals that she was sooo wrapped up in the woman she was dating that couldn’t see the dick for the trees. But this a hopeful story about how Shamari pulled her marriage back from the edge of a cliff and now they are firmly in the clutches of true love. Also, Kandi felt judged because she admitted to having a three-way on national TV, and Shamari makes her feel less scandalous.
NeNe Leakes goes over to Tanya Sam‘s house for a little tour and a lotta gossip. Tanya’s house is very dark and looks like a bachelor pad, but it does have a secret closet hidden behind a little round door like the entrance to a Hobbit house, so I feel like I have to like her. NeNe describes Tanya as “bubbly,” which is a nice way of acknowledging that your friend can be very extra.
The most interesting thing about Tanya, other than her being a tech wizard, is that she’s been dating her fiance for SEVEN years. She shrugs that she’s too busy being a mogul to get married, but the rest of the girls suspect the worst! I kinda appreciate how nonplussed Tanya is about what people think of her situation.
NeNe then invites Tanya to the Boobs & Bourbon Couples Night Out event she is throwing.. These word salad parties are ridiculous. It’s like NeNe just put a bunch of words
down Porsha’s super-sized bra in a hat, pulled a few out and said Yes! I am calling my party the Purple People Eater Pussy Rhinestone Taco Realness Banana Bonaza. And then next year I’m going to host a Sequined Shazam Sexy Wizard Hot Dog Eating Contest In Bizaro World With Spray Cheese Karaoke Elephant Dung Areola Outing. To prove her point that this upcoming event will be all about boobs NeNe dumped her martini down her shirt so the girls came to the party early.
Porsha is incensed that Kandi was talking about ‘The Real Dennis,’ the one with multiple women tattooed on himself. Since they’re in a good-ish place they decided to meet and talk in the name of transparency. I like this approach! Kandi just wants Porsha to know she isn’t coming for her man without just cause – and his tattoo addiction is just cause! Porsha now has some Purple Haze hair, which is only fitting since she is all up in Dennis’s hot doggety haze (in a dress that’s too tight).
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I actually think this conversation went very civil! Like who are these two people? Kandi explained how she doesn’t want Porsha to be the victim of hindsight by moving too fast with Dennis, only to later find out that there’s a girl on every block wearing his Rolex and making the lasagna she’s eating for dinner. Too bad Porsha simply doesn’t care!
“OK, Porsha, clearly you’re one of those people who knows that if you dig you’re gonna find bones so you just throw away the shovel and pretend the bones don’t exist,” Kandi shrugs. And sometimes that’s what you gotta do, and do, and do.. especially for someone like Porsha who is incapable of learning from her mistakes.
The decor for NeNe’s party is a cross between a bad high school dance, The Christmas Tree Shop vomitting all of their unsold wedding inventory, and every single centerpiece from the latest season of Below Deck Mediterranean. What I mean to say is that it is tacky! NeNe does not appear to notice because she is just so thrilled that she can throw a couples party where people will not wind up suing the other couples because someone is put in the hospital. And also because all of her friends are finally in relationships! Even Marlo Hampton! Allegedly…
Like all of NeNe’s parties, nothing that is happening really makes sense. At all. Starting with the incoherent theme. Um, like there were boobs aplenty, but where was the bourbon? Did she mean to make this a boobs and bros party.
Cynthia brings her very nerdy friend Marcus as her date since Mike is unavailable. Marcus looks like a fish out of water, being that he is polite, classy, and reserved. I’m pretty sure Marlo’s date was the bouncer from the club she frequents. And of course a NeNe couples night is incomplete without one strange person wearing an ill-fitting shiny garment who is in attendance to stir up trouble like a badly mixed drink. Last time that was Apollo, this time that person would be Yvonna or possibly YoWannaPiecaMe. Yoanna likes her booze and is so feisty she actually calls the waitress a bitch for not fetching her wine fast enough. She is also wearing a neon yellow vinyl tube dress that truly does resemble a “banana flavored condom,” as Eva Marcille remarked.
Porsha and Dennis arrive late because they were riding the Underground Railroad Choo-choo. In Porsha’s mind, they are guests of honor. So who cares if they’re late? Plus it is the first time everyone is meeting Dennis which means they must all take in this spledorific sight with awe by making a grand entrance.
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Porsha walks in like the party has arrived. They are loud, proud, and representing ALL the primary colors in Roy G Biv. Dennis has on a green suit with a yellow tie and Porsha’s hair is bright red. Maybe they are representing ketchup, mustard, and relish on a hot dog. Well, they say love is blind! Also it’s clear that this party was orchestrated to force Dennis out of hiding into the taco of gossip and rumors that is to Real Housewives Of Atlanta like farts are to bean dip.
Kandi is suspicious of how friendly Porsha and especially Dennis are being. I’m guessing they are on cloud nine with their love. And they just do not care what Kandi thinks. Or at least they certainly do not want Kandi to think they care what she thinks!
When Yvonna is “introduced” to Eva she turns her head around Exorcist-style and grimaces to her long-suffering husband. He puts his head in his hands and wonders if Marlo has any vacancies in her social calendar. The problem is that Eva and Yvonna apparently went to the same college, and share a mutual friend but Eva doesn’t remember her. Yvonna starts a literal spiel, getting on her soap box to rinse the banana semen from everyone’s tongues to explain why she has a “PROBLEM” with Eva not remembering her as “that bitch Yvonna” who was everywhere. Collectively everyone looks around like this person is a bitch, but who exactly is she?! Eventually NeNe just interrupts because she has a surprise. “This is NOT a night of conflict,”NeNe declares. “I want the couples to really feel that love is in the air and the titties are in the sky.”
The best part of the party was NeNe making everyone go around the room to share how they met: Gregg saw NeNe shaking her poo-tang, then left her a voicemail asking her to “give Big Daddy a call.” Todd was brought to Kandi by a South African bone doctor – fitting! Porsha met Dennis over morning after tattoos. Marlo declined to share how she met her ‘date.’ Shamari met Ronnie because he was standing next to Bobby Brown. Then, she became his groupie). To stop Yvonna from speaking anymore, Gregg announces that this party is segueing into a surprise couple’s trip!
Hopefully Yoanna’s invitation will get lost in the mail. Or she’ll be sent to Alaska while everyone else travels to the Caribbean.
The surprises continue for Dennis‘ birthday. Porsha has a completely taken over his apartment. There’s a chef making breakfast, streamers everywhere, and lots and lots and LOTS of presents. Like baby shoes, a onesie, sparkling apple cider, and the positive pregnancy test she whips out of her bra. Good lord those boobs are like a treasure chest they’re so enormous. All of the jewelry Dennis gives her must get lost in there.
Dennis thrilled with the news, and actually is so happy he cries. It was so super cute and I really do believe these two are genuinely in love. So yay and congratulations.
TELL US – DID YVONNA HAVE A LEGIT BEEF WITH EVA? DO YOU THINK DENNIS IS FAITHFUL TO PORSHA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]