Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Denise Richards

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Season 9 Premiere Recap: Lucy, Lucy This Is Getting Juicy!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Lisa Vanderpump

It’s the dawn of a new era on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, one where Lisa Vanderpump is no longer the established queen. Things are about to get very, very interesting in the 9021-NO!

In fact, the season opens with Kyle Richards getting thrown out of LVP’s house and  Ken Todd telling her that she is NOT a good friend. Fast forward to two months earlier, we check in with all the ladies.

Unsurprisingly, Erika Girardi wakes up alone. Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, meanwhile, wakes up in an enormous new house they purchased for the canyon views. Teddi is now running an accountability empire and trying to hold herself accountable to the motherhood/work balance. Things get so confusing her five-year-old winds up wearing one of Teddi’s crop tops as a t-shirt. #DontGiveBethennyAnyIdeas 

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Lisa Rinna Goat Yoga

After goat yoga – yes, this is a thing. Yes, I want to do it (Do the goats ever poop in yoga though?) – Lisa Rinna chats with Delilah and Amelia about how their growing up is hard for her. Thankfully Delilah is moving home after a year in NYC, but she doesn’t know if she can handle the smothering of Lipsa. This living arrangement is very temporary. Amelia is tired of Lipsa hovering over modeling shoots. Clearly, Lipsa did not do as good of a job indoctrinating her children into the cult of her motherhood as Yolanda Hadid Foster Hadid did. Anxiety is no Chronic Lymes!

At Villa Rosa, LVP is processing the suicide of her only brother, Mark, three months ago. She is still raw with grief but also steeling herself for another potential loss: Giggy. Lisa’s beloved is having heart problems and has to be placed in an incubator daily. He even requires chest massages to re-start his ticker. It’s heartbreaking seeing LVP cry. “I think you always grieve for the rest of your life,” she tells Ken.

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Teddi visits Kyle so they can rehash their amazing Justin Bieber sighting in boxing class. Kyle spent the entire class trying to decide whether or not to grope him. Kyle’s fear of a sexual harassment lawsuit a Belieber in her own maturity is the only thing that stopped her. Of course, now Kyle suffers “generalized anxiety disorder” over seeing Biebs in the flesh. So she didn’t order a Xanax smoothie after class??

After Teddi tried in vain to attract Bieber with her boxing prowess, he left unmolested by wannabe MILFs. Yet Kyle and Teddi have been bonded for life. First of all, Edwin Arroyave installed Kyle’s home security which made her feel safe at home after the robber. And then, of course, The Bieber.

Erika lives a lonely life of paid accoutremonts with afternoons reserved for entertaining Dorit Kemsley in her tacky palace which looks like a very fancy independent living facility. Her kitchen is so sad. Erika pops champagne to hear Dorit’s harrowing tale of being robbed – EXACTLY like Kyle – whereall of her purses and jewelry were stolen. Except for the horrible necklace PK got Dorit for Valentine’s Day. Hmmmm… Dorit doesn’t seem that upset? And a side-eye to this whole similarity.

RELATED: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Star Lisa Vanderpump Insists She Is Not Feuding With Dorit Kemsley Over Rescue Dog Adoption

Also with their house being unsafe and unsecured, Dorit chose to leave her husband and kids in the house, and fled to Utah to climb mountains and find peace of mind. The mountain Dorit climbed is one of her own delusion, mmmm? Or the one affixed to her head that she calls a hair-do?

RELATED: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Cast Member Dorit Kemsley Vacations In Canyon Point, Utah- Photos

Seriously is the Bling Ring back in business and targeting Housewives now?

The bigger news in Dorit World, though, is that she has committed an unforgivable folly against LVP. But, for now, LVP is behaving as this simple misunderstanding will all be forgiven. When Lisa starts killing you with kindness, that’s when you know it’s time to start picking out the outfit you want to be buried in!

The unraveling beings when Kyle and Teddi visit Vanderpuimp Dogs. They are introduced to a very special friend: Dorit’s former adopted dog Lucy Lucy Apple Sauce! And why is she back, you may ask? For grooming, Kyle wonders? It turns out Dorit treats dogs like she treats the clothing she buys and returns after a test run. ALLEGEDLY.

Dorit and PeeKray adopted Lucy from Vanderpump Dogs – obviously for the PR opportunity and to get in LVP’s good graces – then pretty much immediately handed her off to a shelter, errrr… I mean a loving woman with a beautiful home who instantly surrendered Lucy to the shelter. Naturally, since all the Vanderpump dogs are chipped, the sheltered called them to come retrieve their pooch! Did Dorit think LVP wouldn’t notice the dog wasn’t there when LVP visited??

Dorit claims LVP was well-aware that they needed to re-home Lucy after she bit the kids and PK. Now LVP is pretending the entire situation is too ghastly to share and she will not discuss it – NOT. AT. ALL. NOPE. – but she doesn’t, not for one moment, believe Dorit did this intentionally or with malice. It was a mere accident!

RELATED: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Cast Member Kyle Richards Hasn’t Spoken To Lisa Vanderpump In Months

What’s interesting is that LVP probably deploys these same tactics season after season, but for the first time editing is letting us see her work in action. The way Lisa subtly plants things, gently twists the information, and softly inflates it so that the person receiving it feels nervous…

Like later when she mentions to Dorit that Teddi was told bout the Lucy situation, not by LISA of course, but by her employee. It’s all so conniving, and yes, of course, Lisa wants to be talking bout the Lucy situation, because she keeps bringing it up! For some reason, she has a bone to puck with Dorit. Is it she really mad about the dog? Mad enough to pick off her friendship with PK, the one she defended even at the expense of having to fake like she loves Dorit?

Then, LVP immediately starts an argument with Kyle about something completely and utterly irrelevant. Kyle for skipping the Daily Mail party at TomTom. The party that happened moments after Kyle got home from a trip to Nice! Kyle can’t believe she’s being blamed for missing a party she wasn’t invited to when Dorit is abandoning dogs all over the place!

So we’re doing this again? We’re comparing how Dorit is allowed to get away with Dog Abandonment and Kyle – poor, poor pitiful Kyle can’t even get away with a legit excuse. Sheesh – aren’t dogs supposed to relax people, not cause two grown women to throw tantrums? Kyle thinks Lisa is just jealous of her close friendship with Teddi.

RELATED: Kyle Richards Names Lisa Vanderpump As “Biggest Mean Girl” On Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Season 9

Kyle whines that Lisa constantly jabs at her, and tries to make her look bad, while having an endless line of forgiveness credit for defaulting friends like Dorit. I don’t blame Kyle for being upset. However,  I also feel like with LVP still grieving from her brother’s death Kyle could be a bit more empathetic and maybe chalk it up to irrationality? Teddi finds herself in the middle, peeking out from under her fedora like an old fashioned P.I putting together clues for what led to this messy friendship.

Kyle believes LVP is really upset that she’s grown close with Teddi. Thus stealing another pawn friend from LVP. “I’ve been there for you every single second, so please don’t make it look like I haven’t,” snaps Kyle, prompting LVP to burst into tears, so Kyle has to console her. Then they’re all crying – even Teddi – followed by laughing.

This was Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma’am emotions, and I feel like I just rode the tilt-a-whirl after eating a corndog, but I kinda liked it. God, what was Kyle’s flouncy kaftan? It was perfect for storming out in tantrums!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Denise Richards

Now it’s time to meet new Housewife Denise Richards. She’s been around longer than Lisa Rinna‘s boobs in that green dress are big. Or as Lipsa described her, a “seasoned old bitch.” I am way too excited about this woman joining the show. Denise is down for a good time (and tequila!). Lipsa introduces her to Dorit and Erika by way of winding through all the ways their lives as B-Listers have intersected over the years. Including that time Lipsa did a movie with Charlie Sheen where he licked her toes. I will never unsee that disgustingness.

RELATED: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Share Advice For Denise Richards

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Dorit Outfit

To this casual get together Dorit, who will seek attention for opening a paper bag, is dressed like an extra from  a 1980’s Westside Story remake. Or Jessie Spano auditioning for the real Miami Vice. Everyone else wore jeans.

If there’s one way to get on LVP’s bad side it’s to turn your back on her bitches, so we knew Dorit wasn’t off the hook!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Dorit

Lisa and Ken meet Dorit and PeeKay for breakfast. PK shaved his arms, making him look like a bloated beached porpoise. Dorit thinks this is sexy, but she has a My Little Pony clip in extension hanging off her head. Maybe she’s hoping Lisa will mistake her for a dog and take pity on her? No such luck. Lisa immediately brings up LucyGate and mentions that she’s not mad. She’s just frustrated that it was mishandled, echoing what her employee John said in the rescue center.

PK argues that “anyone could make that mistake,” of handing over their pet to a seemingly trustworthy source. However, Lisa is quick to state that actually NO, that is the point of Vanderpump Dogs! They will not make that mistake since they screen their applicants. Clearly, they need to revise the application given that Dorit and PK wound up with a pooch! Maybe they assumed, that like their cars, Lucy was a lease?

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Also, PK and Dorit now owe Vanderpump Dogs $5,000 for surrendering the dog to a random person, aka the shelter. LOL we know that’s going to end up in their future bankruptcy filing small claims court.  Lisa also shares that the other day, when Kyle and Teddi were visiting, everyone discussed Lucy’s fate. LVP makes it seem that Teddi is very close friends with John, the director of the center who told her all about Dorit’s horrible animal abuse. Dorit suddenly has visions of Teddi walking dogs with John, all swathed in pink, picking up their poop with bags featuring Dorit’s own picture, as they discuss what a horrible human she is and ban her from all dog charities worldwide.

I don’t think LVP was implying that Teddi was talking about it. She seems to be saying that John spoke to Teddi as a friend. Teddi made it clear that she hasn’t repeated it. So why is Dorit, Dorit-ing the information, crunching it all up into useless Dorito crumbs and making something out of nothing. Why is she now blaming Teddi? Although I see how the seeds are being sown to Teddi being made to look like she’s doing LVP’s dirty work.

LVP is pretending she is fine with PK and Dorit while secretly instructing her employees to publicly express distaste. She’s also exploiting Teddi’s friendship with John.  Although truly it IS a distasteful situation and you know Dorit and PK were just hoping they could get away with giving re-homing the dog, claiming they gave it to a friend, and hoping Lisa would never know the truth.

RELATED: Kyle Richards Teases “Deceit” On Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 9

Look I love dogs, but I’m already sick of hearing about Lucy!

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. - Lisa Rinna

Now that Kyle’s house is safe and secure, she’s ready to start having parties. A simple backyard affair with a charcuterie board the size of her kitchen island and a sno-cone dispenser. While Kyle is flouncing around in a neon leopard print caftan that looks like a safari animal mated with a box of Crayolas, Camille Grammer arrives loose king resplendent, followed by Lipsa, and Denise. Denise and Charlie’s daughters are so grown up and gorgeous. So, I’m sure next season she’ll be the latest RHOBH housewife to make her daughters into ‘super models’.

Kyle originally met Denise in a “Hollywood Moms” club, which also included Lipsa, Ali Landry, Allison Sweeney and several other B-Listers. So why was Kyle included again? We also meet Denise’s fiancé Aaron. Last but not lease Dorit arrives with Jagger, and she’s wearing a visor she stole from a Palm Beach Golden Girl. She is not pleased to see Teddi who she predicts will once again “target her with attacks” this time over the dog issue.

Dorit is insane. I don’t like how LVP is targeting her, but I already hate her again this season. WHY IS THIS GRIFTER BACK? Go to Marriage Bootcamp where you belong. And seriously grifting storylines from Kingsley, Kim Richards‘ dog, and Kyle’s purse robber?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Stars Camille Grammer & Dorit Kemsley Fought At Andy Cohen’s Baby Shower!

I will say, Kyle’s house is a great environment – the yard is so lovely and tucked away. I really appreciate the simple vibe of this party. HAHA – just kidding: the vibe of this party is everyone ignores the terrible thing that Dorit did while privately relishing in the fact that Dorit did a terrible thing that they all know she did and they did not do a terrible thing and therefore are better people. My kinda vibe though.

By the time LVP arrives Dorit is tiptoeing around in an awkwardly fitting bikini – which she probably stole from another designer. Meanwhile, Lipsa is eating her one hotdog a year because sometimes you have to get to the meat of the matter.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Teddi Arroyave

Of course, Teddi and Dorit find themselves trapped together by virtue of their 4 and 5 year old sons demanding to play. Dorit is on edge – literally the pool edge – waiting for Teddi to mention Lucy. She was so certain their friendship was over that she unfollowed Teddi on Instagram (the horror!).

But Teddi appears to have class… until she finds herself around Denise and jokes about #Winning, (definitely a Freudian slip!) after she and Erika bond over chugging Boone’s Farms in high school. Actually, I loved this scene. So cute and authentic, and I loved how Denise rolled with it. It’s also nice to see both Teddi and Erika getting along.

While all of this is going on Ken is sleeping through it all, passed out in the living room in an arm chair. Oh, Ken… Real Housewives really is emotionally exhausting!

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[Photo Credits: Twitter & Bravo]