After seasons and seasons of LymeLies, and Munchensnoozin, and dishwares dramas, and panty-PeeKers, and Brokendown Brandi-gates, it’s impossible to recall that this show was once as exciting, raw, and authentically crazy as Real Housewives Of New York! I mean this recap of Kyle Richards‘ most memorable moments stands as a testament to the great letdown of my reality TV obsessed life.
To be honest I blame Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills problems on inauthentic casting: namely keeping around characters such as Erika Girardi, whose pretty mess of a life is as plastic as her weaves (“character” is the perfect word!) and Dorit Kemsley – just no. Both of these women present images of a reality that
are almost as bad as PamDana fabricated, then act annoyed when the fans expect more. Of course, I also fault the endless Cold War between Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump (which finally explodes this season) and anything having to do with Yolanda ‘Lymes Of My Life’ Hadid Foster Hadid.
Anyway because we have to, in preparation for what FINALLY appears to be an epic and exciting season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, let’s recap the total coma that was season 8. Seriously, the highlight was Erika, all dressed like a rainbow condom passed out at a PRIDE parade, almost being hit by a bike in Berlin in her misplaced assumption that everyone knows she’s too fabulous to be road kill. Oof, wie schade! I bet Erika’s latex outfit would make great sausage casing.
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave joined the cast last season and presented herself as a no nonsense sort of girl who prefers talking through problems instead of talking around them. Teddi is an accountability coach and fitness expert, who was candid about her past struggles with weight. Something NO ONE else on this show would ever admit to! Teddi also hates gossip, and really appreciates clearing the air with people. Obviously that meant Teddi found herself in nonstop arguments with other, let’s say, less honest Housewives. Ahem, Dorit and Erika.
Lipsa, meanwhile, spent the season in image rehab as she tried to launch her daughters’ modeling careers. It appears that this season The Rinnstigator is back!
Last year Lipsa didn’t even get mad at being called a sociopath by Dorit as she made peace with LVP and tried to pretend she couldn’t define the word “drama” if it slapped her in the face like Brandi Glanville in a drunken dutch state. We all know that’s not the Real Rinna, but luckily she’s the mother of Rinnovation, so this season let’s hope Lipsa lets the freak flay fly from a blue bunny wrapped in Saran Wrap. WOOT.
Meanwhile Kyle struggled against family backlash to launch a sitcom based on her mother’s life a struggling feminist and single mother in 1970’s Hollywood. No surprise that’s already been canceled. Probably because Kathy Hilton phoned in a few favors!
In addition to 3 million fights with people, Dorit also had about 3 million looks to go with her wonky accent and multiple personalities. Dorit’s attempts at being a ‘fashionista’ a term that evokes Sex And The City fans in the early 2000’s was a laughable attempt to seem relevant as a swimwear designer and competition for Erika Jayne‘s personas of illusions.
Teddi, the daughter of John Mellencamp, was about as famewhorey as a lost sock, which is probably why Dorit, an upstart wannabe socialite, didn’t take to her. Their friendship started off OK when Dorit invited Teddi to dinner to show off her new Hermes dish set and warned Teddi that Lipsa was “schizophrenic” and not to be trusted. Things fell apart when Dorit was over an hour late to meet Teddi for a glass of wine because she was on an important international call about her bikini collection. Eventually Teddi left, after calling and texting Dorit numerous times.
Teddi told Kyle about Dorit’s tardiness (which Dorit denied), so in Dorit decided to start a war of manners by calling TEDDI the rude one for serving her wine in a champagne glass during a spa party. If you can believe it, this fight went on ALLLLLLLLL season. ALL! SEASON!
Speaking of rude, one of Dorit’s personalities was a Brett Michael’s groupie who drunkenly called Camille Grammer a C-U-Next-Tuesday, and tried to name a dildo after her, during a dinner party at Kyle’s house. Adding one more person to the list of those who find Dorit a low-class wannabe.
Later, shopping with Lipsa, Teddi revenge-informed her that Dorit was spreading some not-so-kind descriptions of her character, but Lipsa was all zen and kumbaya last season, so she just smiled and nodded and let her lips plump up a little more wth suppressed rage.
Oh yeah, also Dorit launched Beverly Beach by Dorit in an abandoned warehouse
with bikinis she bought from Walmart and spray painted. The concept was inspired by a a vision of Beverly Hills Dorit had of an Aaron Spelling fantasy world. Honestly Candi Spelling‘s wrapping paper room makes a whole helluva a lot more sense, and contains much more attractive prints. But anyway, when she wasn’t trash-talking her friends Dorit was bragging about her re-entry into the fashion scene.
Teddi had issues with self-proclaimed ice queen Erika from day one. The first trip of the season was a joint birthday party in Las Vegas, where suddenly Dorit and Erika were BFF (Is Dorit allowed in Vegas anymore?) and Erika was offended by Teddi being “defined” by her famous father. As opposed to being defined by your famous husband, then having your alter-ego be defined by your wealthy husband financing it? #SoExpensiveToBeFake
Back in Cali, Teddi hosted a low-key party at her beach house, but Erika sulked, then snuck out in the middle of the night crying period cramps. Meanwhile the rest of the ladies had a blast. The next morning it was Kyle who was visibly annoyed with Erika’s party pooper act, but Teddi got blamed by Erika. When Teddi teared up with hurt feelings, Erika mocked her. Cause that’s what women supporting other women looks like! This led to a season-long miscommunication.
One person, other than Kyle, who Teddi did get along with was LVP. They first bonded over a shared love of horseback riding. Then bonded some more over a shared dislike of Dorit. As one does.
For some reason LVP felt like the third wheel in Kyle and Dorit’s budding friendship, even though Kyle also felt ganged up on by Dorit and LVP during PeeKray’s 50th birthday party. Then one of Dorit’s personalities took it upon herself to become LVP’s unofficial spokesperson/therapist; explaining to everyone the due to Lisa’s distant and unaffectionate mother she has abandonment issues and insecurity about being included. Obviously LVP did not enjoy being diagnosed by a woman who wears PeeKray’s plus-sized dress shirt as a dress, paired with boots bought at ComicCon.
After winning a crucial lawsuit related to Villa Blanca, LVP was excited to celebrate with Dorit and Kyle but they barely mentioned it as Kyle rambled about her own feelings, and Dorit focused on supporting Kyle. The whole thing made LVP feel so excluded she stormed out of dinner, leaving Kyprocrit speechless. Foreshadowing of what’s to come this season!
By this point LVP was already pissy with Dorit by this point after a fiasco when she asked Dorit to model LVP’s jewelry collection for Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which LVP was editing. Dorit was a total twat at the photoshoot (even though one of her personalities claimed to be a model): she was annoyed by the photographers, the clothes, having expectations being made of her, the makeup… She was so nasty LVP and the other editors decided to pull the photos, hire a REAL model, and didn’t even bother telling Dorit. Oops! That may have been the most exciting drama of the entire season.
Things erupted in NYC to celebrates Dorit’s OTHER cover for Bella Magazine. There Kyle shared with LVP how Dorit was going around calling her insecure behind her back. It was a retread of Kyle’s season 1 argument with Camille! Instead of getting angry, LVP shrugged it off, and plotted a later revenge, which Kyle mistook as Dorit always getting a pass for bad behavior, when she’s held to a higher standard. Most people wold take that as a compliment, but not insecure Kyle!
Kyle instead confronted Dorit during the magazine party, as one does, then burst into tears when LVP didn’t back her up. This would repeat again in Berlin. Eventually LVP announced that she is only friends with Dorit out of a love for PK, and upon Teddi’s suggestion begrudgingly apologized to Kyle for hurting her feelings. However if you think that was the end of that, you’re sadly mistaken!
Even being preoccupied by the release of her documentary about Yulin couldn’t distract LVP from Dorit’s betrayal!
At LVP’s birthday party she treated Dorit as the hired help, then laughed mercilessly when Camille handed Dorit a gag gift of a ballgag. But what really escalated the situation was when Dorit confronted Teddi about twisting her words about LVP, and Teddi revealed that lots of people – people like Erika – also agreed that their feelings would be hurt if a friend called them needy and insecure. Erika of course denied it, which prompted Teddi to suggest that perhaps Madame Jayne suffers from “Pretend Amnesia”. Erika lashed out something awful about being called a liar. Her reaction was so extreme, Teddi burst into tears. Suffice to say Teddi learned a lesson about trying to make Housewives take accountability!
Nothing was resolved until they all touched down in Berlin, where Erika was nearly mowed down by a two-wheeler, and Kyle got toxic shock syndrome from riding a horse and having an allergic reaction to fun.
The first night, over dinner, Dorit, trying to prove to LVP that she hasn’t been replaced by Kyle, accused Kyle of ruining her Bella magazine party with gossip. When LVP failed to defend the Kyle, Teddi stepped in only to be shut down by LVP who felt Kyle deserved the lashing. For not remembering who Nanny Kay is.
By the second night, and the second dinner, everyone miraculously agreed to resolve things – even Erika and Teddi.
Or so Teddi thought – until the season finale fashion show of Beverly Beach By Dorit featured a swimsuit named for every. single. Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills housewife, except for you know who: Teddi! Bikinis on the brain, reignited pantygate and Dorit’s convoluted belief that Kyle started it. Instead of having a post-show high Dorit again freaked out that Kyle ruined another big moment for her, so Kyle flipped her hair over her shoulder and stomped out.
The reunion was basically pathetic, and nothing was resolved except the slow-burning reveal that LVP and Dorit’s friendship was more frayed and faded then Dorit’s fantasyland bikinis after a pool party in Vegas.
This season my hopes are higher than Kim Richards at a game night that the drama will be authentic, raw, and exciting. Bring it Beverly Bitches!
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[Main Photo Credit: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; All Photo Credits: Bravo]