Luann de Lesseps Real Housewives of New York

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Cold Fish

Last night the Real Housewives Of New York headed to the Berkshires and they weren’t there 15 minutes before drama erupted over who has to wake up in the shark room. Ladies – Dorinda Medley made it nice, the least you can do is start out behaving!

Ramona Singer is actually looking forward to the Berkshires this year, because she thinks she’s “good with everyone.” Apparently she’s forgotten that Bethenny Frankel has the memory of an elephant when it comes to other people offending her. And that Luann de Lesseps has an elephantine ego that will not be satisfied with peanuts. Perhaps Ramona’s disaster date gave her a new frame of reference for the people in her lives?

Speaking of dates, Bethenny is headed to Boston to visit the guy she’s dating. I’m confused: at the clambake Bethenny was just considering going on her first post-Dennis date, with a man she’d met before Dennis passed, even though she was engaged to Dennis? Now she’s in a full fledged relationship which has “really heated up” since Dennis died? 

To prep for her date, Bethenny has a grief counselor visit her apartment. She’s dressed in this white sweatsuit – right down to the slouchy socks – which looks like what one wears in a mental hospital.

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Bethenny Frankel

Through the grief counselor Bethenny reveals she’d ended things with Dennis the week before she died. “I could not get off the ride,” she cries, “and I feel guilty that they only way I could get off the ride is because he’s dead.” There are just so details missing from this (obviously, because I’m a horrible person I want them all), suffice to say that from Bethenny’s perspective their relationship just wasn’t healthy and they couldn’t give each other the right things.

It sounds like Bethenny and Dennis had an open relationship? But he was more committed to her, while she just was committed to always having him in her life as more than a lover. Basically Bethenny’s Facebook status is “It’s complicated.” In a true New York moment, when the hour is up, Bethenny immediately stops the tears, hugs the grief counselor, and tells him, “thanks – that was really good.” Then off to Boston she goes!

I am NOT digging Bethenny’s decor in this apartment. Disliking those massive impersonal sofas that look like highways.

Tinsley Mortimer is jzu-jzuing up her life. First she gets botox in her jaw – for the TMJ caused by Scott Kluth not proposing – then she makes her first foray back into the socialite scene by hosting a donations-only doggy fashion show. Bravo is really going overkill on the dog stuff this year, aren’t they? I mean, cats, hello?

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Tinsley Mortimer

Tinz has a new publicist and this is very important to Dale. Dale is temporarily diverted from harassing Tinsley about being single with scrambling eggs, to stage mom about Tinsley reclaiming her career as a socialite It Girl. I don’t think a doggy fashion show featuring Ramona as a model is gonna get you too far up the society ladder, but … baby steps? Although any excuse to re-run footage of Ramona’s first runway moment is A-OK with me!

As she arrives at the event, Ramona hilariously strolls right past Dale who is hovering at the side of the stage like Toddlers In Tiaras, mouthing Tinsley’s speech and sending the publicist SOS’s about how Tinsley needs to refresh her lipgloss.

Dorinda leaves the doggy show to drive straight to the Berkshires to make it haunted! Even Luann is coming for the weekend – ostensibly to reconnect with Dorinda. Barbara Kavovit is also going. To fix things – because that’s what Barb does. Can you see my side-eye from here?

Sonja Morgan & Luann de Lesseps

Dorinda has lots of plans – all them directed, it seems at Sonja Morgan: There is a tour of a historic Morgan House, then because nothing makes sense about Sonja, a Naked Chef. I’m not sure how he’s going to fit into the decor unless he’s got a pumpkin orange spray tan? Sonja is given instruction that she’s only allowed to ball him with her eyeballs. Or all the eyeballs Dorinda is hanging up for her Halloween decorations can eyeball him for Sonja. Then two dogs start humping each other, so Sonja starts humping Ramona’s leg. To be fair, that is how Sonja displays her excitement!

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With Dorinda gone, everyone else heads to lunch on Ramona’s friend Debra Wasser‘s yacht. Debra is clearly rich and glamorous and willing to associate herself with embarrassing people, and therefore needs to be on this show. Bethenny meets them at the dock wearing some sort of strange Little Bo Peep Costume. Is she borrowing from Bryn again?

I am still confused about why these women want to get back on boats considering all the bad luck they’ve had on them, but Sonja is practically bursting into orgasm at the sight of the yacht, especially at the sight of all the seafood and sushi piled high on the banquette. She starts humping the waiter’s leg in response.

Bethenny Frankel

However, the most appetizing thing on the table is the dose of reality everyone serves Tinsley about her relationship with ScottBethenny doesn’t understand why a 43-year-old woman who wants children is waiting around for a man who’s showing her pictures of the ring, but not actually showing her the ring. “43 is dog years” Bethenny snaps. Ramona also would not stand for a Google Images engagement ring. “I think he’s just playing with her! Or playing with himself,” she states, not at all realizing the double-entendre!

Tinsley Mortimer

If there’s one thing that can bond Ramona and Bethenny it’s piling on another woman with their ‘advice.’ Tinsley explains that she’s stuck between choosing love in Chicago, or her brand, which is NYC-based. Everyone quickly realizes the real problem is that Tinsley doesn’t love herself, which is why she’s letting Scott get away with not loving her enough either. “You guys are worse than my mother,” she whines as the group lecture about the power of ultimatums rages around her. Take it from tough NY Broads (and wise southern society dames) who know!

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Luann was lovely at lunch… somewhere between the Berkshires and a yacht, though, a ghoul took over her body.

In the Berkshires, there are witches to the right of them, dead eyes to the left, coffins waiting to be filled, clowns, sobbing zombies, and giant marlins – also a clone of Dorinda named Melinda. I love that Dorinda and her sister have rhyming names and a matching obsession with holiday decor. Maybe Dorinda believes if she makes the house haunted with fake ghouls and creepy crystal balls, the scariness quotient will be already reached without the ladies adding too it? Just in case she adds a “Good Vibes Only” warning sign.

Ramona rides up with Sonja and Tinsley and almost gets them lost when she insists the driver use HER GPS instructions — and take them straight to the Hamptons.

Bethenny Frankel crying zombie in The Berkshires

They know they’ve made it to the Berkshires though when Ramona spots Bethenny sobbing in the corner of the porch! LOL Obviously Ramona’s primary concern is which room she’ll be staying in. She literally came early to get first dibs on Hannah’s room, but Bethenny managed to beat her to it by calling head – from her date in Boston –  to put a block on it! These women!

Since Bethenny is grieving, Dorinda felt she had to oblige, because otherwise, Bethenny said she’d stay in a hotel. See, Tinsley, ultimatums work!

Tinsley whines about sleeping in the Moroccan Room, because it’s in the back and being back there all alooooooowne is scary, and is moved to another room. She might as well just sleep in a bassinet at the foot of Dorinda’s bed!

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Somehow Ramona and Sonja angle their way into other prime real estate which means Luann gets stuck with the anglers! “When you snooze you lose when you get to the Berkshires. And that means sleeping with the fish!” declares a victorious Ramona. Luann traveled to the Berkshires from her upstate round house – like an Indian TeePee (eye-roll) or a non-frozen igloo, or the tree from Winnie The Pooh, and she is expecting five-star treatment. Dorinda thought meeting Luann for dinner at a European-style hotel would put Luann in a good mood after her long drive…

First Luann requested Dorinda arrange yoga, then over dinner she asks Dorinda to set up massages. Is Dorinda Luann’s personal assistant now? Sadly this is what Luann considers being a friend! Dorinda is temporarily groveling to get back into Luann’s good graces, so I’m sure she’ll take her wrath out on Barbara instead! Although even Luann is tired of Barbara’s schtick of using Luann’s sobriety to give herself relevance and create drama. Luann wants Barbara to focus on her own friendship with Dorinda, and leave Luann out of it.

All Dorinda’s good work is in vain when Luann learns she’s staying in the fish room. Ramona and Sonja immediately start cackling at the look on Luann’s face – which looks like one of Dorinda’s Halloween masks! Luann is highly incensed that Bethenny is allowed to show up late, yet still snag the best room in the house, while she’s shunted into the back like the help. I guess Luann has forgotten about Bethenny, you know – saving her life with that intervention!

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Luann is going to dine out on how everything makes her recall her sad, sordid past as an alcoholic until the end of time. Now the fish room dredges up traumatic Berkshires experiences, and if Dorinda was sincere about wanting to rebuild their friendship she’d give Luann the best room to signify a fresh start? Um, I’m not sure your sober coach will agree with that mindset!

Dorinda Medley

Dorinda actually really kept her cool while everyone insulted her house and yelled at her for not making the weekend all about them. Dorinda does probably need to redecorate though because everyone equates the fish room with being locked in a closet like your mother is Betty Draper.

Finally, Tinsley graciously announces that she’ll take the shark room to shut everyone up, but even that isn’t good enough! Luann flies into a rage because DORINDA should’ve known better, and then storms off. Think of the state of their friendship, Dorinda!

Honestly is the real problem is that Luann is pissed that she has to endure the Berkshires without alcohol. She is mourning booze and mourning the part of her life that was so interconnected to being the Good Time Countess. She probably sees that as on par with Bethenny mourning the loss of Dennis because for Luann mocktails are as depressing as a cold fish.

So much for Class With The Countess though! Luann needs to locate a copy of her own etiquette book and brush up on a couple of chapters! Except you just know she’s going to turn her tantrum into a cabaret act – ‘You probably think this fish room is about you… yeah!’ Dorinda can respond by heckling SHARK ROOM.

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]