It’s a new, lighter season of Real Housewives Of Dallas – at least hair follicle-wise! Oh, haha – who am I kidding these ladies still hate each other! Well, LeeAnne Locken and D’Andra Simmons do anyway.
Get ready for another season of LeeAnne and D’Andra battling for title of Queen Bee. LeeAnne even references her pageant past in her tagline, and of course she’s wearing a crown for her wedding. Marrying Rich Emberlin is her crowning achievement after all – right after being the self-proclaimed Philanthropy Hub of Dallas. Did I mention that I love this show?
LeeAnne blames D’Andra for their reconciliation stalling. After all, D’Andra never reached out after the reunion, despite promising that she would after apologizing for saying Rich cheated. Thankfully we did not have to hear a long tearful spiel about LeeAnne’s abandonment issues and her amygdala being hyper-sensitive to false promises, which further degrade her fragile carnie heart, which is all LeeAnne’s mother’s fault for letting the tilt-a-whirl operator babysit her – or some crazy shit that causes one to poop in a bag after ripping your belt off in the name of Jesus. LeeAnne’s trust issues make her see relationships like cotton candy: they look so beautiful and full, but evaporate as soon as she gets too close with her hot air.
Luckily for these two Stephanie Hollman is on the case, putting her trusty counseling degree to good use as always!
In LeeAnne-land, a place of strange shadowy sub-surfaces and delusions of grandeur, things are going well. Her hair is now the color and consistency of straw (pumpkin spice, if you will) and wedding planning is well-underway. With 7 weeks until the big day LeeAnne still has tons to do – like come up with $70k to pay for flowers, decor, and table linens!
LeeAne also has Kevin Lee‘s knockoff southern equivalent as a wedding planner. He’s wearing a bad toupee clearly from a Justin Bieber wig collection, and some ‘Transitions’ glasses. You know the kind everyone’s grandfather wears that tint depending on the brightness of the room so everyone’s eyes are shrouded in Crayola Burnt Sienna. Anyway, it’s a good thing LeeAnne is friends with the florist, because girlfriend needs some charity! I believe we call this “paying it forward,” or philanthropying it forward!
LeeAnne feels this only makes sense because her esteemed little black book (full of connections and collusions and probably blackmail material) brought so many people together in Dallas, and has been the catalyst for so many successful businesses. LeeANne may not have money, honey, but she does have dirt on everyone! Especially D’Andra! And no, D’Andra is henceforth not invited to the wedding because LeeAnne wants to be happy on her big day.
If LeeAnne is ‘so over’ D’Andra, tell me why she still has the dried bouquet she carried in D’Andra’s wedding, but not a scrap of cloth left from her beloved grandmother to tie around her own bouquet? Even the florist looked perplexed. Something don’t smell like roses here!
Something like Mama Dee’s intentions. Oh Mama Dee…. you done D’Andra dirrrrrty. So dirty that no amount of Hard Night, Good Morning face wash can remove the impurities.
Just after Mama Dee turned over control of Ultimate Living to D’Andra (after demanding D’Andra sign a clause promising to pay her $60k a month for life to cover the cost of her club dues and Housekeeper, as well as her Citibank gas card – lady get Costco!), D’Andra learned the company was essentially broke. Like on the brink of Chapter 11 broke. If anyone ever writes a book on the Real Housewives (and that should be me or the esteemed Erin Martin, I might add) it should be called “Chapter 11”.
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Anyway, back to this show and my point: without a cash infusion, the company only has enough money to remain open for 90 days. Jeremy Lock, who is tinkering around with photography and really enjoying a flower arranging class at the club, suggests D’Andra borrow against her trust fund to get the company up to snuff, but another monkey wrench: Mama Dee controls the trust and won’t turn over a red cent to D’Andra! Uh, I think it’s time for D’Andra to get a forensic accountant cause y’all know that trust has been drained and was spent on Justin Bieber wigs, false eyelashes and butter.
Instead, D’Andra decides to forgo her own salary! So while Dee is living the high life, D’Andra is broke, which must explain why her own hair is the color Burnt Sienna?
D’Andra warns Jeremy that his life of leisure is coming to an end so he better untie that apron and get into the office to help her. Germ-meee – dehydrate that lavender and stuff fit in a jar! Also the irony of D’Andra taking a life reduction to fund a company called Ultimate Living!
To further complicate matters, D’Andra and Jeremy are fairly certain Mama Dee only handed over control of Ultimate Living because she knew it was no longer solvent and she wanted to see D’Andra fail, aka take the fall for it failing. D’Andra knows this because Dee insisted their accountant, Esther, keep the company finances secret from D’Andra until after the paperwork was finalized.
So that explains why Dee didn’t want to pay for the elusive white algae! Luckily for D’Andra, Esther has no qualms about announcing on national television that D’Andra bears no responsibility for the issues – as if it wasn’t evident the last 2 seasons that Dee controlled everything!
According to D’Andra the company really started failing when they stopped doing informercials on Christian television. It sounds like right about now is the time turning Ultimate Living into a Multilevel Marketing company. They’ll be raking in that dough right quick!
D’Andra takes her mom to the cemetery to visit her dad’s very underwhelming grave and beg Dee to also relinquish her $60k salary so they can reinvest that much-needed money in new product development and advertising. Dee, who claims she has “plenty of money,” graciously agrees. Hopefully Dee will stop using the company credit card to buy her gas!
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After years of putting up with Dee’s antics, D’Andra also refuses to forfeit her trust by confronting Dee about her intentions when she handed over Ultimate Living. Dee will literally control D’Andra’s purse strings until she dies – and then probably from beyond the grave. Dee will likely have her skin made into purse, or have herself cryogenically frozen into giant purse. Or have her ashes made into a priceless diamond, paid for by the trust, which is the only thing she’ll leave D’Andra. Which is why it was only fitting that this finance talk happened in a cemetery! I believe that’s called “metaphor.”
Look – D’Andra is 50 and has amazing skin, way better than her co-stars that are half her age (except Kameron Westcott who is made of 100% Barbie plastic). Get this Hard Night stuff on QVC quick! Shannon Beador knows people – maybe they could put salmon with cream cheese in a compact?
Over at Stephanie’s, Travis finally sees her as an adult. MILESTONES. Speaking of, D’Andra is turning 50, finally emancipating herself from Dee, and Travis is also turning 50 after escaping a toxic parent who controlled their family company into stagnation. Travis has grown their locker company so that it’s grossing $70 million a year, so Stephanie suggests he give D’Andra some advice. Um, go to Harvard Business School? Twice!
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Stephanie considers it her mission (and her Housewives duty) to put LeeAndra back together again. They had a great fall, their Botox did not withstand it at all, and now with just weeks before LeeAnne’s wedding it’s desperate times, so Stephanie is hosting a “Friendtervention.”
After all, Stephanie and Brandi Redmond had an epic fight a few years ago and were able to mend things. Um, Stephanie and Brandi are far less egotistical and insane – even if they do talk about poop and farts all day. Travis thinks everyone should come over for Xanax and a glass of wine, but Stephanie has something more elaborate in mind: group therapy!
On the positive Brandi and LeeAnne have finally put their differences aside and all it took was one drunken baby shower oohing and aaahing over onsies. Now they are, thankfully, getting along, and even friendly!
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Stephanie enlists Brandi to help facilitate this friendtervention, but also invites Kameron – knowing Kameron will be going on a cruise. Kameron has FOMO – Fun Of Missing Out – over missing the LeeAndra fireworks but she’ll be shopping in the Big Red Boat using Court’s credit card for Pawdicures. Plus, Kameron is worse than useless in these situations, right girl?
Apparently, Stephanie didn’t tell LeeAnne that D’Andra was also invited and pretended it was just a regular get-together? So the second Kameron gets off the phone with Stephanie, she calls LeeAnne to tattle. I’m sure Stephanie told LeeAnne what was up, but Kameron missed the memo because it wasn’t written in ComicSans and delivered in a giant pink envelope.
Brandi hired a nanny, so the kids are no longer airfrying PopRocks for breakfast, followed by lunch of beef jerky and marshmallows on saltine crackers with a sauce of microwaved Koolaid. So things are going relatively well! Bruin is 1 and his adoption was finalized, and Brooklyn is 10 going on 16, and sassy like a badger. She is Brandi’s daughter through and through! All Brandi’s years on Real Housewives Of Dallas have not prepared her for how to deal with the ultimate Housewife, and karma is a bitch!
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We meet new Housewife Kary Brittingham, who has replaced old Housewife Cary Deuber. Kary and Cary are good friends, just like Kary and D’Andra are, so what they all have in common is that they do not like or trust LeeAnne. Kary coming on as D’Andra’s friend basically proves she never had sincere intentions of reconciling with LeeAnne! She has already met Stephanie and Brandi. With the help of tequila, they got on like a house on fire.
Kary has been married to Eduardo Brittingham for 10 years, and they share one daughter. This is the second marriage for both and Kary also has three teenagers from her previous marriage. Kary hails from Guadalajara, Mexico and jokes that like all Mexicans she excels at making babies. Ermmmmm…
When Kary and Eduardo met they were so hot for each other they were having sex in the bar bathrooms. No wonder she and Brandi instantly connected. Now, he’s staring at the iPad while she talks about how hot she looks in a bikini. Actually Kary seems really fun and silly. She doesn’t take herself too seriously. I think she’ll be a good fit for this group!
We see Kary’s home as she’s packing for a mother-daughter trip. She frets about what to bring because her daughter thinks she dresses like a hoochie. Well, Kary and Brandi can definitely bond over teenaged daughters…
Finally D’Andra and LeeAnne come face to face at Stephanie’s and it goes about how you would expect! I was most surprised that Brandi was a fairly competent mediator!
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D’Andra now says the reason she never contacted LeeAnne is because Rich texted Jeremy accusing him of having an affair with “Pretty Jessica,” and promised to expose him. D’Andra insists there is no way Jeremy would ever cheat on her. HA. She also insinuates that LeeAnne is behind it. LeeAnne denies it, then hisses that Jeremy called her a snake on social media. So is that admission that she was involved in the revenge cheating allegation?
LeeAnne and D’Andra both end up doing their same old schtick. They blame each other for not ‘hearing’ the other or taking accountability. The bottom line is D’Andra NEVER should have accused Rich of cheating on national TV – even if LeeAnne did the same thing to Cary a couple seasons back. Two wrongs, as we well-know, don’t make a right, girl!
Likewise LeeAnne shouldn’t have been talking about D’Andra’s finances. At the time this seemed less serious than allegations against LeeAnne’s fiancé, but knowing what we know now – maybe not? And maybe D’Andra did have an inkling that the company was in trouble, which is what explained her 0ver-reaction?
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LeeAnne insists she still feels bad about what she did to Cary. She doesn’t. D’Andra insists her apology to LeeAnne was sincere – it wasn’t. But they both decide to move forward. They understand their friendship can’t go back to the way it was before. However, they can forge a new friendship.
Here’s what I think: Rich and Jeremy were BOTH cheating, and covering for each other.
TELL US – CAN LEEANNE AND D’ANDRA REBUILD A FRIENDSHIP? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NEW KARY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]