Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Roasted Nuts

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas D’Andra Simmons celebrated her 50th birthday by asking all her friends to make fun of her on national TV. Then she got a big box of donuts for a present. To each their own, I suppose!

Here in Dallas we don’t just do squats. We electrocute our gluteus muscles with electrodes attached to every part of our bodies while we “sim-u-late” a 1987 Curves workout. Well, this is what Stephanie Hollman and Kameron Westcott are doing instead of hitting the gym and getting CoolSculpting. It’s called “90/20.” It goes through the motions of a 90 minute exercise while you wear some biomedical lab catsuit which is supposed to deeply sculpt all your muscles in 2o minutes.

Doing this gives Stephanie more time to eat corn nuts or pickles off Travis‘ chest.  Or you know, whatever. It’s also been a great opportunity for Steph and Kam to bond away from the group and all the drama of D’Andra and LeeAnne Locken.

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Kary Brittingham Stephanie Hollman, Kameron Westcott

And since Kam first met Kary Brittingham over taco salad they invite her along too. That’s probably Kam’s way of saying, “Hey girl, like hey, like girl lemme tell you about this thing where you can eat like all the tortilla chips you want and still stay skinny…” And of course tortilla is pronounced Napolean Dynamite-style.

Kary is worried she might end up only working out her vagina muscles. Vaginal rejuvenation plus calorie burn sounds like the Housewives miracle drug!

Stephanie is concerned about about D’Andra’s decision to have a roast for her birthday. Given that D’Andra has no sense of humor when it comes to herself, Stephanie figures D’Andra is confusing a comedy roast with something Mama Dee cooks with 16 pounds of butter on special occasions. Stephanie is wrong. Mama Dee uses 16 pounds of butter on everything and expenses it to the Green Miracle account claiming it is the ultimate anti-aging serum.

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In a alternate universe, where exercise is replaced by electrodes, LeeAnne and Brandi Redmond are having skinny margaritas and a plate full of fried food (can’t go whole hog on the calories!). They make a pact not to let other people’s agendas get in between them ever again.

To cement this new-found re-friendship, LeeAnne extends an invitation to her wedding, but Brandi is not impressed at being treated like a Z-list seat-filler from Marriage Bootcamp. You know, LeeAnne and Rich’s future. Still they’ve only been re-friends for like 15 minutes- aka too soon to make a big fuss about an invitation slight, so Brandi lets this bygone be just that and they discuss D’Andra instead.

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I’m sure NO ONE is surprised to hear that LeeAnne is now second-guessing the sincerity of D’Andra’s apology. She is still angry over the Rich cheating allegations. Aren’t these two even now that LeeAnne and Rich accused Jeremy of cheating? Apparently – definitely – not!

Instead, LeeAnne wants a new apology. And in exchange for LeeAnne’s forgiveness D’Andra will agree to hand-over her firstborn Hard Night Good Morning product and all the L2 white algae she can find in a deep, dark remote forest located in some largely uninhabited corner of Asia. I think LeeAnne will hear a tree fall in that mythical forrest first.

Guess what – Brandi still can’t parent and Brooklyn reminds her of this every day. Brandi is worried that Brooklyn feels ignored by all the time she has to spend with Bruin. She decides a little mother/daughter shopping is the perfect way to fix things. Yeah, totally…

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Brooklyn is like having LeeAnne in daughter form. She spends the entire trip mouthing off and ignoring Brandi – even putting her earbuds in to avoid hearing her. According to Brooklyn, nothing is bothering her… except Brandi.

In order to make Brooklyn like her again, or at all, Brandi spends $729 on teeny bopper garbage that Brooklyn is so gonna sell on the playground in order to buy a passport under a false identity and a plane ticket to Cuba.

LeeAnne and Rich go out to dinner to reminisce about their relationship. For LeeAnne it was love at first sight, and also sex at first date – even though Rich was against it. But I guess alls well that ends well, even if it begins with date rape and stories of cheating on every boyfriend you’ve ever had — until now! And Rich certainly does seem to love LeeAnne despite all her crazy. Maybe because she’s preeeeeeetttty!

Now they’re getting married, LeeAnne officially dubs herself “the first Cinderella from Dallas.” Never before. Never ever before has there been a rags to riches story of a poor little carnie girl, forced to sweep the ring toss and dust the tilt-a-whirl, while her evil clowns of stepsisters flirted with the ferris wheel operators. And then in walked Rich, right off, carrying a glass eye, and LeeAnne was the first one he could see with it.

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True love comes sometimes after 3 previous marriages, and sometimes to a woman who never ever believed anyone would put a ring toss on her finger. Congrats RichLee, may you survive sickness of insanity and healthy bank accounts, Rich cheating or poor impulse control, for better days after the fights and worse fights after the divorce, to love and hate and sometimes cherish, till death does one of you part when the other one snaps.

Then LeeAnne and D’Andra meet one-on-one to discuss the status of their friendship. LeeAnne expects D’Andra to own that she lied, and D’Andra does acknowledge that she shouldn’t have said anything about LeeAnne’s relationship but she can’t say she lied because D’Andra knows with certainty that Rich has cheated.

So get them receipts, girl! Instead D’Andra picks through her words carefully and opts for apologizing for saying anything about Rich. Now D’Andra is done groveling. And D’Andra is also done with LeeAnne complaining that she never calls on her for courting, so D’Andra invites LeeAnne to her birthday roast.

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Of course LeeAnne isn’t really ever going to forgive D’Andra, so she makes a dig about Mama Dee having a financial hold over D’Andra, which is the only reason they still speak. A testament to her good debutante breeding, when out from under the influence of Brandi, D’Andra swallows all the nasty words that are burbling up in her throat like burped champagne and just keeps eating, placidly explaining that Dee’s finances are completely separate from the company – and she’s even taken the club bills off their accounts! Did Dee have an aneurism when she got her last facetuck?

Cheers for the last drip of this friendship!

Kary Brittingham

And speaking of relationships on the rocks, Kary and her husband Eduardo go out to dinner. They’re just about to hit 10 years of marriage and things are more strained than a muscle after 90/20! Their bickering even makes the waitress uncomfortable.

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Kary admits that marriage is the hardest thing she’s ever done. At dinner, they get into over her daughter Olivia’s plans for college (to rent an apartment with 4 ‘random’ roommates she met through an app, which Eduardo doesn’t trust). I think they’ll make it though. Despite their issues, Kary and Eduardo do seem to have a true enjoyment of being together.

Eduardo’s family owns a literal resort in Careyes Mexico. (Um, what exactly do they do? Also, do not let Mauricio Umansky near that place), and Kary wants to bring the girls down to celebrate D’Andra’s birthday now that D’Andra is poor and can’t afford her own vaycays. Oh, how the mighty have fallen into LeeAnne’s tax bracket!

On the night of D’Andra’s roast she is having doubts about her choice of party. I assume D’Andra thought she was prepared after a lifetime or being subjected to Dee’s nonstop ‘roasts’ under the guise of helping D’Andra improve herself.

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Shockingly, I think all of the Housewives will be nicer to D’Andra than her own mother is! Has Mama Dee met Dr. Deb from Real Housewives Of Orange County? Those two are the most evil mommy dearests on television. They are like supervillians straight out of the Marvel Universe.

Stephanie is roasting D’Andra. And, of course, Stephanie has a huge fear of public speaking. She is convinced she’ll blow the whole thing and everyone will throw empty wine bottles at her or something. Even though we all know it will actually end up being perfect.

Meanwhile, Brandi wrote her script on her hand, laughed at herself, and then got in the shower for 2 hours to practice, thus erasing the whole thing. Luckily Brandi will always have her Beevis impersonation to fall back on! Of course Stephanie and Brandi have perfected those…

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Mama Dee

Despite D’Andra’s anger towards Dee, she threw the party. She also put a giant bee on the cake: either to remind D’Andra and everyone else to bee nice (you catch more flies with honey…) or to warn D’Andra that she can still get stung by her mother!

Dee is proud D’Andra invited LeeAnne. So, D’Andra just once again swallows her pride and thanks her mother. However, she wants to rip that blonde helmet off her head and scream that she gives a rip about having her trust lorded over her at aged 50.

At least Jeremy wants to grab her butt instead of Pretty Jessica’s!

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Before the main event, as if to soften the potential blow in case D’Andra winds up crying in the bathroom, Kary invites her Stephanie, Brandi, and Kam to Mexico. Miraculously they can all go next week! Kam is thrilled. As she is the queen of girl’s trips … So long as said trips don’t involve K-Cups inappropriately inserted, or secret adopted babies, or beavers, dildos, and burgers – oh my!

Backstage Real Housewives Of Dallas

Stephanie may have been worried about stage fright, but it was all in vain because she was hilarious. In fact everything was going well and in good fun, until LeeAnne arrived.

LeeAnne stood in the back, critiquing all the other roasters, as not actually roasting. Except Brandi, who actually roasted Mama Dee by renaming Hard Night Good Morning as “Hard To Sell; Good Riddance.”

Jeremy gave D’Andra 50 donuts. Then, LeeAnne took the stage, and you could hear a donut crumb fall from D’Andra’s lips.

As everyone stood frozen, waiting for LeeAnne to eviscerate D’Andra she handed her two candles. One called “forgiveness” and “hope.” LeeAnne asked D’Andra to burn them as a token of moving forward. And it was nice. So nice that D’Andra invited LeeAnne on the girls trip to Mexico!

Also I love donuts and that D’Andra ate them. Roast away!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]