Ugh – Lying liars and the lies they tell! Such is the love story of Stassi "Don't Hate Me 'Cause I've Had A Chinplant" Schroeder and Jax Taylor, henceforth known as Jax-A$$-i. So the Vanderpump Rules reunion happened last night and it was basically the Jax and Stassi show, round 100. I don't know why the Ks and Tom 1 (not 2) even showed up. Speaking of which, they need t-shirts like Thing 1 & Thing 2.
Scheana Marie Famewhore reached new lows in her deplorable groveling famewhoredom by basically sucking up to Stassi and doing her attacking for her. I mean, Scheana – get some self-esteem. Stassi called you a homewrecking, untalented, hooker whore on national TV and tried to get you fired at work. This bitch is not your friend. You are so Fetch from Mean Girls and no matter what you do, you're never going to be a 'thing.' So with that out of the way, let's examine the other shameless ones.
Yes, Stassi and Jax; a tale of amoral and delusional love. I mean they really are sort Natural Born Killers aren't they. Instead of using literal guns they just emotionally decimate everyone in their disgusting quest to one-up each other and seem important. Lisa Vanderpump dutifully called Jax out on using and abusing Laura-Leigh as a pawn; calling into question his ability to deceive on demand and take advantage of someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. She also expressed disgust about his sexual proclivities for unprotected sex. With anyone. "Clearly, it's not working for you," she admonished derisively.
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Stassi revealed that after she and Jax broke up that final time she went back to Frank. And she also admitted to punching Jax and at one point breaking his nose. Oh those kids! Has anyone seen that Judith Light Lifetime movie where she abuses her husband?
Jax spent the entire reunion painfully and embarrassingly groveling; begging Stassi to love him again; pleading with her to control his every move and emotionally manipulate him. It was pathetic – and I am tired of his woe-is-me victim act. Please stop buying designer sweaters and spend that money on counseling instead!
Tom (1) Sandoval claims he took off his shirt during the Vegas parking lot manly man pec-off/male modeling midnight pose-off because he had "accidentally taken a Xanax." This seems to be a reality television phenomenon I will never understand. Have you ever accidentally taken a controlled substance? I haven't. Clearly I'm hanging out with the wrong crowd.
The best and most amazing part of the whole reunion is that with the exception of Scheana all the other cast members had visibly turned on Stassi and Jax; not even bothering to hide their disgust.
Katie Maloney who was Stassi's self-professed BFF at one point basically said she was a liar who didn't care about her friends and she was done putting up with it. For half a second Stassi was speechless. Kristen Doute outed Stassi (who actually IS a terrible liar!) as cheating on Jax with Frank.
To which point Stassi started threatening and denying. The texts Stassi sent LL were read and several people on the stage looked horrified. Scheana said LL deserved it. Stassi expressed no remorse for the things she said to Laura Leigh. Even Andy Cohen was afraid. He visibly recoiled; an act I haven't witnessed since Le Zarin.
I threw up. I really did. I was eating some ice cream, looked at it and started to gag. This girl, Stassi, who went on a gloating tangent about how everyone has always been in awe of her; idolized her, and told her to not be herself so other people could shine, was starting to make me sick. I wonder, was all of this before or AFTER the chinplant and when Stassi sat at home eating the insides of a bread loaf? She's always eating everyone's insides with her cruelly dismissive self-delusion.
In other news Jax refused to acknowledge he has a problem with lying. One of the Toms called him a "pathological" liar, but admitted they are still friends. Isn't that impossible since friendship is based on trust, honesty, you know, knowing a person?
Lisa was Lisa, and Lisa is amazing. She called them all out and defended Stassi out of pity. Jax lied to everyone about cheating and really did ruin her friendships, to which Lisa was disappointed. Jax is a grade-A loser douche, but I still don't think Stassi is any better or needed defending.
Peter Madrigal appeared for six seconds. His hair is shorter. He is still charmingly adorable. He made Pumpalicious martinis. Lisa was too grossed out by the unfolding events to even pretend to be delighted at that point and she mustered a sort of wincing smile while Andy counted dollar signs in his eyes at how much he could exploit these trainwrecks.
I cannot imagine what next season will be like, but can we please give Scheana Marie a make-over? What was she wearing and I think she did her hair with a taser it was so fried and frizzy.
Oh Stassi also looked a mess. Her false eyelash glue was like this white haze of horror dust lingering around her eyes and they kept zeroing in on it in every close-up opportunity. Clearly it was intentional – and amazing. She also wore a hideously cheap dress. I am most positive Pandora talked her into it out of revenge.
PS – I am sorry if this is too mean. True colors are sometimes just hideously ugly and I am not a girl who will tolerate being put off my ice cream.
TELL US – BIGGEST VPR SOCIOPATH: STASSI OR JAX? THOUGHTS ON THE REUNION?
Scheana Marie featured in new promo vid: