Jax Taylor

So, let’s see – cheating accusations are like clowns in a clown car on Vanderpump Rules now. How many cheaters can we cram into one episode here? Seriously, though, they need to refresh the story-writing staff over at Bravo. Or perhaps get a lot of new cast members…

If we were gonna make a seven-layer dip of the cheating scandals it would go like this: Jax Taylor cheating on Brittany Cartwright is the beefy bottom layer. The anchor of this season’s unfaithful dramas, if you will, but that just got amped up by the spicy salsa of audio featuring Jax’s pillow talk with Faith Stowers, in which he said he’d never marry Brittany.

Then we add Tom Schwartz‘s bland creamy makeout with another SURver while he was black-out drunk. Of course then we have the guacamole of Tom 2 basically admitting he’d choose his boys over his wife when Katie Maloney tries to impose sanctions, like a moratorium on ‘boy nights.’ And finally the newest layer – the ultra-cheesy accusation that Rob Valletta betrayed Scheana Marie‘s ultimate ego by making-out with some girl who works at a restaurant called Troca Madera (which I bet we’ll later find out is co-owned by Guillermo), which was seen by yet another SURver. I mean REALLY?!

OK, it’s not quite a seven-layer dip, but give it until next week. Also at least it’s dense, stupidly filling, and regrettably disgusting enough!

Tom Schwartz

But I don’t actually believe most of this crap. Supposedly after Katie is “humiliated” that Tom 2 broke their vows with his Jagermeister-induced makeout, she returns to the apartment to find him bro-ing down with Tom 1 and Jax, who promise they’ll never leave him. Katie, of course, has her troops with her: Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute. Also Ariana Madixwho has now put aside all her differences with Kristen to finally insert herself (inertly and half-heartedly) into every drama this season. Maybe since she’s over Tom she has more time on her hands?

Katie Maloney

Kristen storms into the apartment expecting a huge confrontation, but instead it’s just Katie not even seeming angry or distraught emptily yelling at Tom 2, with some really bad acting while everyone else sat around watching. It was like watching a high school drama class. The only redeeming part was when Jax climbed aboard his motorized cooler (YES!) and puttered back home to his own uncomfortable [empty of conscience] nest.

Even though Jax cheated, Brittany still can’t let him go. Before the incident they’d planned a housewarming party, and now decide to just go through with it despite the uncertain future of their housing together. Cause logic! Everyone is super confused by the invite, but who in this group would pass up free alcohol?

The next day at SUR, Katie confronts Lala Kent, resurgent hostess and originator of the Tom 2 cheating allegation, about what she really knows. How uncanny Lala is back one day and with her these tales!

Lala made her revelation after Scheana told her how Katie was speaking negatively about Lala’s relationship. And an asshole for an asshole (makes the whole world constipated). Katie is furious that Scheana would betray her and actually believes this was a set-up. Like Scheana knew in advance that Lala had dirt on Tom 2 and intentionally provoked her into having a reason to reveal it. I guess, Ariana, as the messenger is… innocent? Katie does her best (re: least convincing) acting sucking up to Lala, pretending she can’t blame Scheana for being truthful with her friend, and is unconvincingly shocked to hear that drunken Tom 2 also called his rando “Bubba.”

I feel like Katie already knew Tom 2 cheated – if it even did happen at all…

Katie’s sojourn with Lala is followed by a lecture from Lisa Vanderpump about how Tom 2‘s personal issues makes her question his business acumen. As if ANYTHING about Tom 2’s life was professional or diligent or would give her any reason to believe he would be a savvy businessman?! We’re talking about someone who loafs around in shower shoes all day and has literally, NEVER, had an adult job. After out-aging semi-successful male modeling, Tom 2 transitioned to bloated day drinker and reality television accessory; lover of Tom 1. Also, if LISA wants to appear professional, why is she lecturing Tom’s wife instead of Tom?

I think Lisa’s concerns are valid – if this were the real world, because a drunken, unreliable business partner is a liability, and a business partnership IS like a marriage in that trust, faithfulness, and equality are imperatives, but this is no real partnership. It’s laughable that LVP excepts that someone who couldn’t even complete one bartending shift, and was so afraid of commitment he had to be tortured into proposing, could essentially be running a restaurant/bar unsupervised.  We all know Tom 1 will do all the heavy lifting for these two in terms of managing Tom Tom, anyway.

Now that Katie can place all her outrage on Scheana, she comes home with a list of ultimatums for Tom 2: no shots, no getting super drunk, and no guys nights. Predictably he rebelled. Tom refuses to give up the things he loves for the woman he’s supposed to love, and yells at Katie for trying to control him. He will not sacrifice his loves for marriage! He agrees to limits, but since he literally cannot live without his bromances – guys nights are here to stay. Katie married a child, now she resents his childishness. Did she really think that a wedding would make Tom grow up?

When Tom and Katie bring their dogs to Vanderpump Dogs, Lisa lectures him on behaving better – or the partnership is off. He agrees, then loafs away to file that away in the “Empty Promises” category of his brain, which also occupies a slot for “Saying Anything To Make Katie Shut-Up”. Lisa really laid down that law! #NOT

Tom 2 consoles himself with wholesome fun with Tom 1 and Jax at one of those Wine & Design studios. He wanted to take them out to the dessert with some hallucinogenics, get drunk, and do naked self portraits ala Hunter S. Thompson’s wild sagas, but since Katie made rules, they’re stuck in a studio with a bottle of absinthe and Tom 2 only does one shot. In despair, knowing their freewheeling days are numbered, he paints a farewell portrait of his true love Tom 1. It’s good!

Tom 2 shows it to Katie later and she has a realization about her relationship: Tom 2 actually loves Tom 1 and those two should’ve just had a commitment ceremony and lived together in forever harmony. Except Tom 1 actually likes sex with the ladies – specifically Ariana, who, unfortunately, is not putting out. AT ALL.

Lala Kent

Ariana and Lala go shopping while lamenting the serious assholery of Jax. Hilariously, ironically, Lala, of the many mistress rumors, goes on a tangent about how disguising cheaters are and why women must not put up with them. Wasn’t Lala dating a married guy last season (maybe he was separated?). Wasn’t she accused of breaking up his marriage? I guess we’ll never know…

Ariana Madix

Ariana explains that Lala always makes you feel good about yourself (unless she’s making you sign NDAs) and that’s why they’re friends. That’s also why she feels comfortable opening up about her lack of intimacy with Tom 1. (When talking about Tom 1 and sex, “intimate” is the only word which suffices.) Ariana was once in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and the guy made her feel so insecure and inferior that she’s plagued with nonstop unease about her body and sex. In the beginning of her relationship with Tom the “newness” made her overlook all of these feelings, but now the negative thoughts are back. Instead of shopping with Lala, Ariana needs to get counseling! Real counseling, but in the interim she can take Lala’s wholesome advice: every day look in the mirror and thank your body for the sexual services it’s able to provide.

Ariana & Lala

This is what Lala does and she really believes it’s valuable. She may have “man hands” but they give great hand jobs, and her “little kitty takes that D like a champ.” Which I guess is very handy (pun intended) if your job is gold digger! I know Lala thinks she’s being all ultra-feminist and body positive, but she’s actually just reducing herself (and other women) to body parts and how they can be of use to, in this case, men. Way to ride the patriarchy like a champ! Ariana seems relieved and comforted though, so that’s something.

Instead of demanding Tom 2 get counseling for his blackout renegade behaviors, then checking herself in as well, Katie invests her anguish into the pay-it-forward of spreading cheating rumors about Scheana. Katie gleefully informs Kristen and Brittany that Scheana is in essentially also ‘A Katie’ because Rob was seen making out with a hostess at Toca Madera while Scheana was at the Vanderpump Dogs opening. Naturally, since they are “good friends,” Brittany and Kristen decide it’s their duty to tell Scheana.

Scheana Marie & Rob

Meanwhile Scheana is trying to move herself into Rob’s luxe Beverly Hills home. Someone’s gotten some gold digging tips from Lala as she gushes about how rich and successful Rob is and how nice it is to have actual furniture that’s not from Value City. I didn’t notice any life-sized portraits of Scheana on the walls, so their relationship must not be THAT serious? However it’s serious enough for Scheana to be ‘hosting’ a dinner party at his home for Ariana and Tom 1. Tom 1 is also in love with Rob. Or the idea of Rob’s success. Plus he’s tall and has all his hair. So now Tom 1 is cheating on Tom 2! Add that to our dip. It’s the beans that make you fart, but are strangely good for texture.

Maybe Tom 1 is just sexually frustrated and Rob provides amazing desserts, so he’s confusing the two? Rob’s his house was very nice in an ultra-modern way and he did provide a gourmet dinner for free… Over dessert Scheana grabs Robs arm and gushes that she and Rob can’t get married until July since her divorce isn’t finalized. Rob almost chokes on his flan. Scheana insists she’s kidding, but whips out her divorce “count-down” app on her phone to illustrate just how desperate she is to be rid of Shay and free for all of Rob’s future proposal needs. That home needs a woman’s touch (re: a lot more photos of Scheana).

Kristen Doute & Brittany Cartwright

Unfortunately Scheana’s bubble is burst the next day when Kristen and Brittany reveal that Rob was spotted making out with another girl. Scheana adamantly dismisses this as ridiculous, her evidence being that Rob doesn’t even like kissing her, so he certainly wouldn’t kiss some random. Kristen is irritated by Scheana’s delusional denial, and by how fake she is as they make cake pops and gummy bear shots for Brittany’s party. Maybe Scheana selfied her anguish to display her real feelings?

Scheana Marie

Scheana spends the entire party on her phone, texting Rob emojis about how silly Kristen’s accusation is. Jax observes, astutely, that the only way Scheana would even notice if Rob cheated is if it were captured in the background of her snapchat. AND HE IS RIGHT! She even tries to sell Stassi on this story of how great her future is with Rob, but even Stassi smells the designer imposters perfume emanating from Scheana’s soul.

That party… what a sloppy mess. Tom 2 is mourning his binge drinking freedom as he sulks in the corner and eats snacks. The others get drunk enough that they’re getting along with James Kennedy and Lala.

Brittany, Jax, & Carter

James did come bearing gifts though – a giant ‘cake’ of toilet paper to celebrate what a shit Jax is. Jax is overjoyed and loves his thoughtful present. That’s where Jax’s generosity ends. Kristen’s boyfriend Carter, who loves to be in the middle of messy drama, finds himself trapped on a couch while Jax confesses that he would’ve f–ked a squirrel if it hit on him because he must sabotage relationships. Then Brittany storms over and starts complaining that Jax never opens up to her. As they yell at each other, Carter is paralyzed, clutching their dog for emotional survival and petting it just to feel something other than fear. Outside the door, Kristen and Lala overhear Jax clapping and mocking at Brittany.

Lala Kent has damning information on Jax

That’s when Lala “realizes” she has to honor girl power right by sharing the audio clip in her possession which features Jax canoodling with Faith. Faith had sent the audio to James, who in good faith forwarded it to Lala – and just when everyone is starting to finally love James! James still has little compunction about betraying Faith and Jax, because that’s why we LOVE James!

Ariana & Brittany

First Lala confides in Ariana. Ariana pretends that it’s a bad idea, while simultaneously calling Brittany over, hugging her through phony tears, and warning her. The clip is inaudible to us, but whatever Brittany hears, she explodes and kicks Jax out. For real this time. I guess he’ll have to take his motorized scooter and ride on down to hell. At least he’ll have refreshing beverages!

Why would Faith record Jax? This is seeming more and more like entrapment, and it almost makes me feel bad for Jax! Yeah, he’s scum, but he’s not conniving and scheming in desperation to be on TV? What other motive would Faith have for courting an affair with him? And where is this Faith – up and disappeared after deploying a bomb!

Scheana And Rob Taking A Break – Even Though She Believes They’re Destined & Fated To Be Together Forever!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]