Lisa Rinna - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Chill Pill

Every week I tune in to Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and every week I say, “Please let there be no more Lucy stuff… Please let the dog crap be pooper scooped and done with… NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs!” Aaaaannnd every week my hopes are dashed!

The episode opens with 24 hours later. Kyle Richards is at dinner with the rest of the girls. They are on the edge of their seats as she fills them in on being screamed at by Ken and thrown out of Villa Rosa after accusing Lisa Vanderpump of planting the tabloid story.

The women are shocked by Lisa’s reactions. Really? “That’s not friendship,” scoffs Erika Girardi, “that’s bullshit.” Does Erika have friends she doesn’t pay to stuff her into latex and other “pat the puss” endeavors? How would she even know the difference between friendship and bullshit? And to that I say, it is bullshit that Kyle barged over to her s0-called friend’s house, a day before her birthday, to accuse her of lying. BULLSHIT.

Now, in my week-long hiatus, I have gone on soul searching missions to uncover the truth of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. I have wracked my brain, given my whole heart, and evoked the chakras of truth, justice, and warrior priestesses. I even got a crystal healing reading and used my energy dagger to charge through the Swiss cheese of this Lucy story and this is what I came up with after all that hyperbolic nonsense: That Ronnie and Ben from Watch What Crappens are correct. If Lisa leaked the story to Radar she would’ve been calm, composed, and snarky when Kyle stormed into her house. In short, Lisa would’ve been expecting a confrontation, and prepared accordingly to act so disgustedly detached and insulted, but she would NOT fly off the handle, freak out, and, well, behave like a normal person when confronted with foolishness.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Star Kyle Richards Discusses “Goodbye Kyle” Hashtag & Fight With Lisa Vanderpump And Ken Todd

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

So that is all the clarification I need that Lisa was not behind the Radar leak. That and the fact that in addition to grieving, Lisa was simultaneously filming Vanderpump Rules, plus opening two restaurants. I doubt that swiping a 22-year-old employee’s phone to set up Teddi Mellencamp to set up Dorit Kemsley was how she was spending her lunch hours. (Even my husband, who is a loathsome casual viewer and victim of Stockholm Syndrome, pointed this out). (I still think LVP wanted Dorit exposed though – and who wouldn’t!).

Anyway, /rant/over.

Over at Villa Rosa, it’s Lisa’s birthday, and now she must get a kitchen remodel because no amount of sage-ing – or sledge hammering- can erase the dark, dark presence of Kyle accusing her lying. An evil lurks. And only true evil doesn’t know who Nanny Kay is! Also true evil wears a Dark Wing Duck hat. I have seriously been wracking my brain forever trying to figure out what childhood memory Kyle’s hat evoked. But seriously didn’t Kyle storm in there like Cruella DeVille only to be dragged to the curb the Security Swans? Maybe GoodBye Kyle was Lisa’s birthday gift? The gift that keeps on giving, clearly!

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Lisa Vanderpump

Ken admits that he went too far by screaming in Kyle’s face (He did. Totally!).  Lisa gently chastises him for being overly aggressive. Lisa wonders why, if Kyle thinks she’s such a horrible, manipulative, nasty person,  she would want to be friends? Lisa is right! I mean, but Kyle doesn’t actually want to be Lisa’s friend – probably because she thinks these things about her! Lisa jokes that she doesn’t want to say Kyle’s a “f–king bitch,” but basically Kyle’s a f–king bitch. Lisa is not only glad she threw Kyle out, but she’s glad to be throwing the tainted kitchen out with her. Through the darkness comes the light… cabinetry!

Kyle Richards

Meanwhile, Kyle meets Mauricio Umansky for a lunch of $3k truffles shaved over fresh pasta. You know Kyle ate one bite, just to tell people she ate a $1,000 pasta noodle, then gave the rest to her dog. Kyle talks about her fight with Lisa because this is all Kyle is going to be talking about for the next 14 episodes until another daughter goes to college. Mauricio is shocked it went that far and puts the onus on Kyle to patch things up, although he doesn’t condone Ken screaming at his wife. Did anyone notice Mauricio wearing that subtle red Agency pin on his lapel? Gimme a break, people!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills- Kyle Richards’ Husband Mauricio Umansky Facing $32 Million Lawsuit Over Malibu Mansion

Lisa Rinna meets Denise Richards and Erika to do some aerial yoga that ends up being an excuse for Lipsa to make a million sex jokes, then laugh at them herself. I’m glad she loves herself. someone has to! After acrobatics, Lipsa learns about the Showdown at the Villa No-sa Corral, and is shocked Kyle had the audacity to confront Lisa — Kyle is probably thinking Lipsa manipulated her into it! “That must be devastating for Kyle,” muses Lisa.

Lipsa wants to throw a post-wedding party for Denise… But the real question is should she invite LVP? Has anyone spoken to LVP? Has LVP thrown anyone else out of Villa Rosa?  My question is: is this party about Denise or LVP?


Denise isn’t sure what to think. On one hand, she really likes LVP, but on the other hand, what if what the other ladies are saying about her is true? If that’s the case, Denise wants to stay far, far away – in Malibu, frequenting a different dog rescue. Aaron Phypers believes LVP will likely contact Denise, and when she does, Denise can form her own opinion about building a friendship or how involved she wants to be in the drama between Lisa and the other women. No wonder Aaron’s cryogenic alignment seminars are such bestsellers – he’s a Trophy Wife Whisperer.

Dorit’s storyline has gone from dogs to diabetes. She can’t get either managed correctly! PK Kemsley is a slob who can’t stop eating saturated fat and booze. Now he has Type 2 diabetes and Dr. Dorit tell us that if he doesn’t control his sugar it will turn into Type 1 Diabetes. These are the things one learns attending the Yolanda Foster School of Medicine. [Face Palm]

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Dorit and her assistant (what has happened in your career that you wind up in that hideous job?) decide to heal PK with a smoothie full of fruit sugar. Except they accidentally turn on the empty blender, then run across the kitchen screaming as if it’s possessed. In fairness, Dorit probably does consider sugar evil. Sugar and bills.

For this cooking extravaganza, Dorit is wearing some sort of clip in ponytail that is completely blunt along the ends, but protrudes from the top of her head like an antenna. Which brings me to Dorit’s new interview looks! HAHAHAHAHAH. HAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. The first one is Malibu Barbie after she was forced to turn to escorting once Ken left over her shopaholism. It is full of awful Claire’s Boutique accessories (all Dorit can afford) paired with a hot pink … thing… over flimsy black lace lingerie. I’m sure Dorit will insist it’s the height of couture, but we know she gets all her label stuff in Chinatown.

The second ‘look’ is wannabe contestant on Rock Of Love. Brett Michaels probably doesn’t have migrating diabetes (and international bankruptcies and creditors) so I mean, maybe she’s auditioning?

Dorit Kemsley

After messing up a smoothie (How? Why? Doesn’t she have Pinterest?) Dorit checks PK’s blood sugar. Then they sit down for their annual lunch with the children. Poorit is not using the Hermes china. Probably because she returned it to Neimans the second Teddi left her dinner party last year. This time Dorit is eating off Pier One, and PK sulks about having to consume dill and baby carrots. Guess what they talked about?! If you guessed Lisa you get a baby carrot PK sucked on!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Star Dorit Kemsley Feels Like She Has Been “Stabbed In The Heart 10 Times” Because Of Leaked Puppy Gate Story

Dorit is outraged that Lisa hasn’t contacted her over the tabloid drama and didn’t invite her to her birthday party. She simply doesn’t understand why she’s being excluded and blamed for Kyle’s argument with Lisa. After all, Dorit did NOTHING wrong! And I’m the Queen of England, writing this recap while sitting on a pile of Corgis.

Actually, the only housewife invited is Denise. Except Denise misunderstood and thought she was meeting LVP for a pre-party drink. Or maybe LVP misunderstood and thought Denise was actually going to attend the party? Instead, Denise had simultaneous plans to meet the other women for drinks to celebrate her wedding. Conundrum! Unlike Teddi and Dorit, Denise does not harp on time management for the next 6 years. She gets over it pretty much immediately.

Lisa’s party was… very her real life. It was her kids, her real friends, and John Sessa (camera hogging AS ALWAYS) but NOT John Blizzard who was too busy texting Teddi about how LVP manipulated Denise and wants Teddi to know, but doesn’t. So shhh…

On the way to the party, Denise gets a call from Kyle who asks her to try and fix things between herself and Lisa. Kyle is upset she wasn’t invited to the party because she’s always celebrated with Lisa. Now Kyle just wants to smooth this whole fight over because she loves Lisa! Lisa is her friend! Even though Lisa is a horrible person who lies, and manipulates, and tries to destroy her friend’s lives, Kyle still loves her! And Lisa’s birthday is all about Kyle! Wonderful, selfless, caring Kyle! Denise is noncommittal about what she can do… I so appreciate that Denise isn’t interested in sucking up to people to try and look good on TV. I love Denise.

RELATED: Denise Richards Says Some Of Her Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Costars Are “Different Off Camera”

Lisa Rinna

Speaking of punctuality, Lipsa and Teddi both arrive to Denise’s party early. Lipsa has a confession: She sent a birthday tweet to LVP featuring a pile of cupcakes sprinkled with pills. To Lipsa the joke was a throw-back reference to the baggie of pills she carries in her purse, but then Lipsa was slammed for being insensitive to the way LVP’s brother died. Lisa is adamant that she never meant to cause harm, and actually texted back and forth with LVP about it, and Lisa understood.

Lisa RinnA tweet

Teddi, suddenly seeing LVP as a human, not a horrid Machiavellian monster, even doesn’t think LVP would believe Lipsa would tweet that purposefully. Interestingly both women claim not to know that LVP’s brother committed suicide via overdose. Now I agree Lipsa made a thoughtless mistake, but, um, all this time when they been foaming at the mouth over puppygate they never stopped to ask about the circumstances surrounding Lisa’s brother’s death? Instead Teddi and Lipsa actually seem surprised to remember LVP is grieving. Anyway, interesting…

Then Kyle shows up in another stupid hat, followed by Dorit who has her whole plastic Barbie boobs exposed because she’s so desperate, followed by Camille Grammer who is in the mood to get tipsy!

Denise Richards

Meanwhile, Denise just sits at Tom Tom and waits. And waits. In sequined track pants. Once LVP gets there Denise needs to leave right away. They speak briefly and Lisa admits she’s sad none of the other women are here, but her feelings are too hurt to deal with it. They are both gracious, then leave it at that.

When Denise finally arrives to her own party, Kyle spends 30 seconds asking how marriage is going, and before Denise can even answer, Kyle changes the subject to what happened with LVP. Guilty Conscience, much Kyle? Kyle is so self-involved!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Star Camille Grammer Discusses Rift Between Lisa Vanderpump & Kyle Richards

Denise is adamant that they didn’t discuss any of the incidents. It wasn’t the time or place because LVP was celebrating with her friends and family AKA – NOT YOU, KYLE. Dorit is shocked that Denise was invited, but not her. After all Dorit is the victim of LVP! Dorit is insane. Her ego as inflated as her boobs.

I just cannot with Dorit’s open-mouthed shocked face that she makes whenever she feels personally wronged (but knows she isn’t). It’s like a carnival game where you try to throw the ball into the hole. I also imagine this what PK and Dorit’s sex life is like. He just kind of bobs around in the dark too lethargic to do much, but then apparently he puts efforts into shaving his arms? So groddy.

Camille Grammer

Then Camille gets drunk and dishes about how her marriage to Kelsey Grammer “petered out” literally and wasn’t exactly hot and heavy to begin with, then she starts trash talking LVP’s old veneers. It turns out Camille used to be a dental hygienist, which is amazing, and she was so hyper-focused on how Lisa’s British teeth had receding gums and halitosis, so she is quite relieved by her pal’s new clicks. I don’t know what the rudness got into Camille’s drink!

Teddi and Dorit pretend to be shocked that Camille would cross SUCH AN UNFORGIVEABLE LINE by insulting LVP’s fake teeth, while Kyle guffaws as if it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.

Next week Camille has a bridal shower, and it looks like LVP doesn’t show up. We’ve got only 2 more episodes of her left this season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, right?

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]