Kyle Richards

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: I Do Swear To Never Tell A Lie

Kyle Richards

Congratulations Camille Grammer – you’ve officially broken free of Kelsey and restarted your life with a new man by getting married on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Gorgeous wedding! Too bad you dragged your way back Kelsey personality along with you for the ride in the clown car to David C. Meyer.

Oh, a lie detector test. Is that what we’re doing now instead of printing out 99 point font textestessss to prove our innocence? I feel like I need to write this portion of the recap in Comic Sans font, because surely this must be some British Humor! Now I’m still team Lisa Vanderpump, but lady – I cannot sit back and allow John Sessa to carry the Pom-Shield and become the defacto Kyle Richards: professional sidekick, stand-in kitchen remodel viewer, and mouthpiece of menace. John Sessa (and his barely buttoned shirt) needs to stick to training puppies to bite PK and leave the Housewives stuff to the big dogs. 

Dr. InSESSAnt has written the vital and important questions the constituency demands answers to, as pre-screened by LVP of the Pink Party. The constituency being… Kyle? Dorit Kemsley? Abandoned and neglected pooches everywhere?  Us? Since this is extremely sensitive material, it demands the seriousness of a 30-year lie detectorist who ain’t got time for no Housewives shenanigans. But he does have time (and direct deposit) for such hard-hitting, life altering questions as, “Is Dorit’s hair actually made of Ramen Noodle?” “Does Radar Online make house calls?” “Does Lisa Vanderpump control Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s inscrutably accountable brain?” “Did Lisa put tabloids in Brandi’s suitcase to embarrass Kyle?” “Did Kyle steal Kim’s ‘goddamned house’?” “Who is the biggest slut-pig on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills?” Oh, wait … those last two questions are for Kyle!

RELATED: Catch Up On Last Week’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: The Stimulus

ANYWAY … Obsv. Lisa passed. Cause like duh – John Sessa‘s sweat contains such high concentrations of thirst trapping pheromones it dehydrates all the oxygen in the room into PUMPTINI, making the lie detector test giver drunk, and therefore manipulating this machine into passing LVP. But seriously, LVP: WTF? Also, did she actually believe this would make the other women believe her?

Even more WTF is later, in Hawaii, when Kyle recounts the story of how she learned about the polygraph (Which probably needs its own 99 size font).

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Star Kyle Shares ‘Extra-Awkward’ Run-In With Lisa Vanderpump

Now, if there was ever a moment in the history of Twisted Sisters Richardology (and I am the chief anthologist of Twisted Sisters Richards Psychiatry Division: More Incomprehensible Levels Than Scientology) that affirms why Kim Richards was the bigger star, it was Kyle attempting to convincingly act out how she learned Lisa had taken a lie detector test.

Kyle Richards & Mauricio Umansky

First of all, every single person Kyle has ever met has been robbed. Even Sophia’s friend’s parents, who just so happened to be in downtown LA forcing their construction crew to take a polygraph to prove the robbery wasn’t an inside job when who should they happen to see there at the very. same. time, but Lisa Vanderpump! The only time producer intervention has been more obvious (and fake) is when Tamra Judge‘s ‘psychic’ popstar friend had a vision of Brooks Ayers faking cancer, or that time Bethenny Frankel was mysteriously sent a photo of Luann de Lesseps fiancé cheating at The Regency. I should note that both Tamra and Bethenny are far superior actresses to Kyle!

Immediately upon hearing that LVP wants to clear her name the women go into overdrive insisting that lie detector tests aren’t reliable. Like according to Teddi who knows everything, Ted Bundy passed one, so ha! What I want to know is this: if this test is reliable enough for Sophia’s friend’s parents to exonerate THEIR CONSTRUCTION CREW why isn’t it good enough for Lisa’s friends to exonerate her? Hmmm… In a prescient bit of irony, Lisa Rinna has come down with laryngitis and is gasping like a 90-year-old smoker trying to explain how LVP is trying to manipulate the criminal justice system to maintain her image.

I should back up, though, because I missed a lot. So all of this, minus the polygraph, was happening in Hawaii where most women are for Camille’s wedding. Erika Jayne is on tour and wasn’t missed this episode, tucked away as she was in afterthought, while Denise Richards was in snowy Connecticut shooting a Hallmark Channel movie with her BFF/ex-boyfriend/a man we know has had a Happy Ending massage: Patrick Muldoon.

Denise Richards

Denise fondly recalls that time they dated which turned into a long friendship, briefly interrupted by Denise’s marriage to Charlie Sheen. And now here are Denise and Patrick reconnected by making a Holiday movie together, which reminds Denise of that one time Charle brought a hooker to Thanksgiving dinner, but made her wait outside in the car. So naturally, Denise brought her out a plate of food. This, people, is why Denise Richards is the greatest! Because she served a hooker thanksgiving dinner without irony and still probably let Charlie (+ hooker) come back the following year.

Now, years later, after admitting that being married to Charlie has aged her beyond Botox, Denise is happily embracing her new reality as a romance-finding mom in made-for-tv movies. Denise probably signed-on because the wardrobe was 90% pajamas, and also Barbara Eden.

I don’t know what Erika was doing but it definitely wasn’t this good!

Meanwhile, Kyle drags Mauricio to Hawaii, and Lipsa drags her germs and Dorit as her +1. Lipsa was basically absent this episode because of her laryngitis, but she rallied. She owns it! LVP is home with her grief, but Lisa Rinna bought theraflu and hopped on a paddle board. Camille confirms for the women that LVP is not attending, then says LVP blames Kyle. Kyle is shocked. She did nothing wrong! Kyle is just in a bad mood because she agreed to be Camille’s bridesmaid to look good on TV and now has to wear a cap sleeve. In case you hadn’t heard Kyle only looks good in KAFTANS. Who ever heard of doing the splits in a restraining cap sleeve?!

Kyle Richards

Kyle spends the entire trip grumbling about how she doesn’t even remember what bridesmaid duties entail (aka Kyle is 104 in people years), reminding us that she never read the weekend’s schedule, and pretending she’s happy for Camille after all she endured, while also reminding us that SHE is one of the people who endured Camille. If they can’t love you at your worst, they can’t love you at your best, amirite!

That first night they all have dinner at Camille’s beautiful house and all the flashbacks have me really wondering where DeeDee went. Are they no longer friends? Camille also shares that her mom is in the hospital again so she’s hoping she’ll make it to the wedding (thankfully she does and that woman is amazing!). Then Teddi, reeling out of control after consuming carbs for the first time in 16 months, attempts to hold the women accountable for their marriages with a conversation about what they like most and least about their spouses. They called off the game before Dorit could answer because PK clearly has no ‘bests’ (except that his diabetes 2 hasn’t turned into diabetes 1 yet so he can still eat donuts dipped in French onion dip while watching TV in bed). Lisa hates that Harry chews blue gum, and Edwin hates that Teddi controls him. Basically it put Lipsa to sleep.

The next day Teddi and Edwin bore us all to death with a hot tub scene that was less Party In The USA and more Tears On My Guitar (yes, I know this is Taylor Swift, not Miley). Teddi was approached with an offer to sell 50% of her company, which in the last year has rapidly expanded to hold 3/4 of the Bravoverse accountable for their decision to text John Blizzard instead of going to the DQ drive-thru for a Blizzard. If Teddi signs the deal she’ll be freed up to spend more time with her kids, but will be sacrificing her work baby. Why is she talking to Edwin about this when it’s Dorit who totally understands!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

Teddi cries that she’s missing the kids’ childhood to instagram herself on a treadmill. Doesn’t Teddi have a nanny? Why is she fronting? Dorit has like 6 nannies and can’t afford to pay any of them, so maybe Teddi can borrow one? God – Tedwin are so dull they can’t even do hot tub on vacation right. You’re supposed to use this time to contemplate how to spice up your sex life with inappropriately placed guacamole (I see you Shannon Beador of yore) and joke about how many calories having sex burns, NOT talk about parenthood guilt. These two probably considered that waterslide lube and sex.

Meanwhile, Mauricio is just getting stoned nonstop to survive a weekend of Kyle whining about LVP and cap sleeves. Kyle’s dress arrived just in time – much to her chagrin – but it was too tight so she had emergency alterations. Now it fits, if she ties it closed in the back with a shoelace.

Mauricio is so high he suggests they have another baby, but in reality he was just being practical – with Portia growing up Kyle needs something to do, because otherwise she’ll be dropping by The Agency every day demanding he take her to lunch, then complaining that she’s getting fat from all the lunches Mauricio is making her eat. Mauricio basically doesn’t even know who’s getting married, and actually makes a toast to polygraphs which keep our prostates massaged and well-climaxed.

Finally wedding day. Camille climbs into a clown car, almost running over her daughter in the process, and makes her way to the altar and to David. David, a man so unlike Kelsey he has a real job. “A 9-5” marvels Camille, who only ever thought that was a Dolly Parton movie. Kyle makes certain she is also in that clown car so she can be front and center when Camille arrives at the wedding site.

The other women arrive just in time to run to their seats as Camille begins her treck down the aisle, escorted by her dad. Camille looked beautiful, her dress was stunning, the wedding was exquisite, and even Kyle behaved. Lipsa notes that people can use weddings to come back together – which was hilarious because LVP attempted to do just that at Denise’s wedding and the very next day was blindsided by Kyle accusing her of planting tabloid stories about Dorit.

Camille Grammer & Kyle Richards

Anyway, congratulations Camille Donatacci Grammer Meyer! Seriously – that dress!


[Photo Credits: Bravo