Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills paid homage to the great legend herself, Erika Jayne, but the true legend they ought to be bowing to is Camille Grammer, returneth to us in her splendorous season 1 form.
Now that Lisa Vanderpump has removed herself from the scene, what is Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave supposed to do but focus all her obsessive energies onto exposing the truth about Camille? Camille, as we know will rise to that occasion, rather flightily and airily, but with needle-prick jabs that hit all the right pressure points. Like acupuncture for your insecurities.
Teddi is frustrated by what happened with Camille during the camping trip, while Kyle Richards is relieved that for all eternity she has the vision of Camille, her manicured hands forming into little lobster claws, as she explains stimulating the prostate of her ex-boyfriend to bring about an orgasm. That is viagra for the shady and unconfident Housewive’s soul. Also, if this does not prove how dirty Camille will get in a fight, I don’t know what will. Kyle knows this, though, and will do whatever it takes to say on Camille’s good-side – even wear a navy blue cap- sleeved sheath in her BEACH WEDDING!
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Of course, Kyle is also needlessly competitive so she can’t let Camille be the only kinky one! She can be kinky too! Just watch her dryhump Mauricio in front of her friends at Erika’s concert, while PK and Edwin sit on either side of them on the sofa, awkward and uncomfortably, like their worst middle school nightmare. God Kyle. UGH.
Actually for Edwin that, and the Erika dance moves he practices in the garage when no one is looking, is probably was the closest he’s ever come to so-called kinky sex! Edwin and Teddi f–k to Miley Cyrus’s “Party In The USA” and Edwin fell asleep before the song was even over. Lisa Rinna‘s proclivities run more towards dated 90’s anthems banned from all my school dances. We’re talking Ginuwine “My pony. ” Which, of course.
LVP probably sexes up Ken to Julie Andrews singing “My Favorite Things,” or Doris Day crooning “Pillow Talk.”
Anyway, Camille, the tickler, will do what it takes to get the job done. And not even Lipsa will go that far!
While Teddi, Kyle, and Lipsa are running laps around Kyle’s backyard (and running their mouths on cardio heart rate speed), Erika is prepping for her sold-out LA concert at The Globe. All the women are attending, except for Camille who is wedding mode and Denise Richards who is flying to Miami for work. Denise, like all working mothers, describes the struggle of loving your children, but loving leaving them too. Like when Denise is on set and people fetch her coffee, make her breakfast, and fix her hair vs. being at home when she is breaking up arguments while fixing breakfast and other people’s hair. Still, Denise’s trip comes on the very day Sammi is going to her first high school dance – with a date – and Denise will miss the whole thing.
Sammi is getting ready a friend’s house, and in Beverly Hills, Malibu, this means a glam squad, not your friend’s older sister who is kind of OK with the felt eyeliner after watching YouTube tutorials. Denise and Aaron stop by to say goodbye and Sammi does the typical teenaged thing where she rolls her eyes and scoffs while Denise as she cries about not being there to see Sami and children growing up.
Denise is at least relieved that she can confidently leave Aaron Phypers in charge while she’s gone, keeping a tight leash on him through constant phone sex. Unlike Dorit Kemsley who has to have her mom fly in from the east coast to babysit PK and the kids (OK – babysit PK more than the kids) so Dorit can attend Camille’s wedding…
Teddi is also experiencing mom-guilt. As her “All In” business takes off, she’s been approached to franchise, which would mean taking on a partner and a lot more responsibly. Teddi’s not sure she can handle spending even more time away from her little kids. Kyle and Teddi take Portia and Slate to get their nails done, and discuss the agenda for Camille’s wedding. Kyle is in the wedding, but is actively trying to sabotage this, so she ordered her dress late. The dress hasn’t arrived even though they leave in 2 days, and she will need to get it altered – this is why Kyle has eyebrow scissors (or giant accusations used to sheer friends right out of her life). Meanwhile, Teddi has the wedding itinerary and surrounding activities memorized — and she’s the one who lets Kyle know that right on the heels of them consuming 8 calories of pumpkin pie on the camping trip she’ll have to put on a bathing suit for the paddle boarding competition at Nuptials de Camille.
Of course, Slate overhears the discussion and gets upset about the thought of Teddi leaving again. Portia is nonplused. She probably welcomes the time away form Kyle; to sleep in her own bed, eat sugary cereal in front of the TV like a normal kid, and not have to constantly stroke her mom’s ego by brushing Kyle’s hair and repeating “Kyle, Kyle, Kyle” over and over again as Kyle smiles at her own reflection in the mirror.
Erika runs the dress rehearsal for her concert with Mikey screaming “Big Dick Energy!” which has replaced ‘Pat The Puss’ for the ultimate version of Erika Jayne Female Empowerment. Then Tom Girardi shows up. Erika hugs him the way we awkwardly hug an aging relative we scarcely know, and then majorly stresses out about impressing her biggest investor. Tom dodders around like a doting parent pretending to be supportive of his temperamental child’s silly ideas until Erika has her assistant escort him to his box seats just to get out from under his critical eye. Their dynamic is so weird, but as Erika explains, Tom pays for this whole operation and is the one to impress!
Kyle arrives with Mauricio, PK, and Dorit. Since PK sent that appallingly half-assed apology text Kyle is fine with forgiving him. Yet she’s still demanding Giggy’s firstborn pup in exchange for offering LVP any credibility? Then Lipsa shows up swinging a clip-on ponytail that makes her look like Heather Dubrow.
Everything is going well: Erika is belting out her auto-tuned hits while gyrating in a sequined puss flap, when suddenly the music comes screeching to a halt. Oops! Somebody accidentally bumped the plug and the mixing board turned off. Erika claims her sound was so intense and amazing they blew a circuit. Um, OK, sure, whatever. Everything got back up and running, and backstage Erika actually even gave Tom a kiss after he patted her shoulder and said good job. Again, their dynamic is so weird, and seeing them together immediately dispels Erika’s tough independent chick act. Erika is so nervous and deferential around him that it’s clear who wears the rhinestone chaps here! Yuck! But I do think Erika puts on a great and entertaining show, so congrats Lady Jayne.
Backstage Kyle dry-humps Mauricio to prove she has the hottest marriage and everyone just feels icky and wants to go home. And this is after they watched Erika pat her puss…
The next day Camille is coincidentally running last-minute wedding errands in Beverly Hills when she decides to give LVP a call and drop by. LVP is swanning around her new pink, white, and blinding chrome kitchen and welcomes the opportunity to show it off to somebody – anybody actually, because in the absence of friends she is reduced to having John Sessa (aka Budget Mikey) be present for the reveal. Quite a change from her usual lackey, Kyle.
Lisa seems so excited to have a friend drop-by. Genuinely excited, actually, which was both sad and a little unnerving. Camille and Lisa do their air kiss and their “Hi, How Are You’s…” routine, which constitutes a deep and unwavering friendship in this group. Or so LVP thought! Camille is here to personally beseech Lisa to attend her wedding, but Lisa won’t budge. LVP just doesn’t feel up to it. To Lisa’s face Camille is sympathetic and understanding but in the confessionals she’s judgmental and calls LVP a victim without cause. Dang – Camille is on everrrrrybody this year. Marriage does not do a personality and ethos good!
Camille is personally offended that LVP isn’t being stronger in fighting against these accusations but is instead hiding; cloistered herself away in Villa Rosa behind swans and Pomeranian fluff and high grade marble. The whole thing disappoints Camille who expects better of LVP.
The thing is, and I think LVP has made this point several times, is that in a normal season she’d have more fight in her, but every single other woman on this show seemingly has totally forgotten that LVP is grieving and emotionally fragile. This and this alone makes me gravitate towards LVP’s side in this whole argument. Lisa is retreating. And yes, she’s totally laying on the victimization spiel thicker than marmalade on Ken’s toast.
Camille also extols LVP to give Kyle another chance and reminds her of their deep friendship, but LVP doesn’t need memories of THE BETRAYAL which cut so deep Lisa had to gut her kitchen to get rid of the scars! Furthermore, why would Lisa want to rebuild a friendship with a woman who calls her a liar and won’t even give her the benefit of the doubt? For LVP, Kyle is yesterdays news – and THAT is the story to sell to Radar Online!
As Camille leaves, LVP tuts to Giggy that she’s a nice woman. Meanwhile in Camille’s confessionals… And meanwhile, in what I imagine is the valley near where Brandi Glanville is squatting, Lisa drags John Sessa along so she can take a polygraph test exonerating herself from the Radar Online accusation and manipulating puppy gate! So take that victimization and shove up your boyfriend’s prostate, Camille!
I feel like this is a hint that LVP does plan to attend the reunion, and now feeling stronger, will be back wilier than ever. I hope she delivers Kyle an attack swan in a basket, ala Kim Richards and the blue bunny.
TELL US – SHOULD LVP ATTEND KYLE’S WEDDING? HAS CAMILLE GONE TO THE DARKSIDE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]