Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas was all about family dramas. Isn’t it always? I mean, about the only thing that happens on this show anymore is LeeAnne Locken complaining about her mother. D’Andra Simmons complaining about her mother. And Brandi Redmond complaining about being a mother. Oh, ha – something different did happen last night: LeeAnne almost got married.
It’s one week before LeeAnne’s big day and she finally unveils the free wedding dress she conned out of a couture designer. Kameron Westcott and Stephanie Hollman attend the final fitting, becuase why NOT have another momentous event/part to celebrate LeeAnne’s slow crawl to Mrs?
The dress designer was inspired to capture LeeAnne’s inner child, which is probably why this gown looks like someone stapled cheerleading skirts to a Mother Of The Bride Dress! Or why it appears that LeeAnne is birthing a giant slab of tulle as if an alien insurrection is happening near her vagina. Honestly we see enough of LeeAnne’s inner child. Like Stephanie said, it’s the predominant part of her personality, and that inner (and outer) child need a muther f–king TIME. OUT.
During the fitting Kameron intentionally gushes about the amaaaaazing shower she threw which Stephanie skipped just to hurt Kameron’s feelings. Like girl, it had a string quartet of three musicians even! Stepanie does not take the bait and refuses to succumb to Kameron’s provoking. Unlike LeeAnne’s inner child, Stephanie’s is 48 and possesses maturity (instead of being possessed!).
Meanwhile, across town, the have-nots – as in the have-not legitimately been invite’eds – meet for lunch. That would be D’Andra, Brandi, and Kary Brittingham. Brandi has plans to go to the NFL Draft picks the weekend of LeeAnne’s wedding. Given that she was invited via tacky text 10 days before the event, she’s not inspired to alter plans to attend. Plano must be so backwoods that mail delivery hasn’t come there yet, and Brandi only got the text-vite when she ventured into the big city where they’ve got cell-u-laaaar service, y’all!
Kary is still up in the air. She feels damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t, but ultimately decides if she wants to forge any kind of friendship with LeeAnne she should make an effort to attend the wedding. At least there will be an open bar!
D’Andra is still blissfully uninvited, and with all the Hard Nights and equally Bad Mornings she’s presently dealing with, doesn’t feel motivated to put forth the effort to crash the big day in an effort to prove her love to LeeAnne. Proving love never works – see, D’Andra + Mama Dee.
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In an interesting twist Kary’s cousin is Dallas bridal designer Mackenzie Brittingham, who apparently didn’t want to give a LeeAnne a free dress, and that is probably why LeeAnne resents Kary. That and because instead of offering up her Mexican house to give LeeAnne a free wedding moon, Kary threw a 50th birthday party for D’Andra. Anyway! Kary’s teenaged daughter is interning there because she dreams of being a designer and is starting with her own prom dress. Well, this is far more ambitious than the ‘Mommy and Daddy bought me a dance wear collection I can pretend to design if I promise to act sane’ nonsense on Real Housewives Of Orange County. There was actual sewing taking place!
Maybe Kary can intern there next in the hopes of launching this soon-to-be-mega-successful jewelry collection that’s gonna definitely pay for uber expensive fashion camps and trips to New Zealand (things her kids want)! Fun fact: Stephanie is wearing one of Mackenzie Brittingham’s designs in her intro! Other [un]fun fact: Kary gets no child support from her ex.
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Parenting is hard no matter what the age. Kary’s daughter is a teenaged pill, but Brandi’s daughter, Brooklyn, is a pre-teen pill. As the mother of a 9-year-old, I confess my secret shame that I relate to all of this far, far too well. The sass! The overly-assertive obnoxiousness. The newfound discovery of slamming doors and the power of ‘I hate you!’ I feel you, Brandi!
Brooklyn is scootering around with no helmet and riding in the road, when Brandi calmly and patiently gives her directives to do the opposite. Brooklyn calls her annoying, then argues when Brandi tells her to put away the scooter and go to her room. Of course Brooklyn slams the door and tells Brandi she’s a bad mother. Brandi feels trapped: does she come down hard on Brooklyn and potentially isolate her (no), or ride it out and accept that this is all a very long, arduous phase called “tween” then gird her ears for a decade+ of Taylor Swift and BTS on full blast in response to all questions, suggestions, or directives (yes)?
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Brandi’s biggest parenting quandary, though, has to do with Bruin. Bruin’s birth mother is pregnant again(!!!) and is planning, once again, to give the baby up for adoption. This girl, whomever she is, needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of Planned Parenthood for an IUD, followed by a come to Jesus talk from, well, Jesus. Or LeeAnne, who seems to excel at those hollow judgey-but-I’m-pretending-I-releate sermons.
As the adoptive parents of Bruin, Brandi and Bryan are given first dibs, for lack of a better term, on any subsequent siblings. Brandi’s heart is telling her ‘DO IT,’ but her head, thankfully, is telling her “press pause.” Brandi confuses to Stepanie that she just doesn’t know if she can handle a fourth child. Um, she can’t, but I admire her desire to help and her nonjudgemental compassion.
Also, Stephanie and Brandi launched a podcast called Weekly Dose of BS.
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Seven days before the wedding LeeAnne is crying because although she invited her mom, they aren’t talking to her until the actual day of the wedding. Basically anyone who’s not giving LeeAnne a free party is F-List. I’m sorry, but I am so over this ‘abandonment’ spiel. I know, I know it’s a real part of LeeAnne’s life, and that’s all understandable, but she is 50 and it has been the same story coming out of her mouth for 4 seasons now, and I’ve had it. MOVE. ON. Also I’m just gonna be honest I fast-forwarded through all of this to get to the REAL psycho mom: Mama Dee Simmons. I bow down to thee.
D’Andra and Jeremy are having dinner with Mama Dee, plus the rest of their very small family, for their annual meet-up. The plan, however, is not to smile and nod over the price of oil stocks while pretending not to notice the latest plastic surgery, but to confront Mama Dee, as a united front, about what the hell happened with Hard Night Good Morning.
D’Andra and Mama Dee wearing the same earrings, except one is black one is white. Like evil vs. innocent. They basically need to each have one of each. We also meet Dee’s younger brother, who looks like her but has a mobile face, and get a clip of Dee and D’Andra pedaling their wares on Christian television before the network probably got shut down for tax evasion or some shit, thus bankrupting Green Miracle.
Dee does not hear the words coming out D’Andra and Jeremy’s mouths, however much sense they make, because she doesn’t want to! All she hears is D’Andra saying ‘rescue me mother, get out your checkbook, cause it’s all your fault.’
Dee is subsequently doubling-down on her no remorse claims, and vows never to put money into this company again because after bankrupting it, doesn’t have faith that it will rebound. So, Dee just let her DAUGHTER suffer the losses?! Harsh. D’Andra just wants some acknowledgment that she was conned, but she’s gonna be waiting til the wrinkles come out on Dee’s plastic face for that. Instead, Dee continues to deny doing anything deliberate and shames D’Andra for not understanding what it’s like to be a parent. Well, she has been friends with LeeAnne all these years…
D’Andra time to, well, move on! Either save your company or dump it, but you’re never gonna get honesty, consideration, or caring from Mama Dee.
Finally, it is LeeAnne’s wedding day. There is a five-hour intermission between the ceremony and the reception which has everyone confused about what they’re supposed to do in formal wear. Um, go home, put the sweats back on?
Kary gets her makeup done at Kameron’s house and even Kam’s makeup artist is like a twee little fairy. But the best twee little fairy is Court, who brings them a PLASTIC tray, like something stolen from a school cafeteria, laden with lunch treats that belong in that same cafeteria. White bread sandwiches, chips, and cups of milk. How does Kameron’s house not literally repel plastic trays and paper plates? I would think there is an invisible barrier that blocks anything gauche? Maybe it’s because being touched by Court’s hands puts his scent on the tray, and the house is forced to accede to its master’s demands?
Whatever the case, that is adorable, and even more adorable is Kameron busting out her book of ‘mommy porn’ which features photos of Court wearing various suits while pretending to do household chores, like cleaning the toilet and vacuuming. Kam insists this is what she does all day and this is Court acknowledging all she does for their family. Um, girl please, girl – Kam does not clean a toilet or take out trash! She does probably stand there in a fancy suit and supervise the maid!
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Kary is beyond impressed and also jealous. She can’t even convince Eduardo to let her have a debit card or be on the deed to their house, yet Court is bringing Kameron sandwiches?! This lady is one Louboutin out the door and into the divorce attorney’s office, although you know they have an iron-clad prenup which is why Kary’s on Real Housewives Of Dallas and talking about her mythical jewelry line every chance she gets!
Then Kam calls LeeAnne to check-in. We learn LeeAnne spent her pre-wedding night at the Round Up and now has puffy hands and a hoarse voice. Kameron is not impressed. She literally chokes on her white bread.
Moments before LeeAnne is to walk down the aisle, her cousin reveals that LeeAnne’s mom isn’t there yet. This instantly triggers a lifetime of being left under the Tilt-A-Whirl while her mom ran the duck shoot. Five minutes before the ceremony no one has even heard from LeeAnne’s mother, and LeeAnne is not inclined to wait – as she should not! LeeAnne’s mom is probably at the Round Up.
TELL US – DO YOU THINK LEEANNE’S MOM WILL SKIP THE WEDDING? SHOULD BRANDI ADOPT AGAIN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]