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Last night Lisa Vanderpump hosted World Dog Day and declared it a mandatory requirement for all Vanderpump Rules stars to own a dog. James Kennedy is exempt, however, because obviously Lisa cares about the welfare of her furry friends!

OK, just kidding – they didn’t have to own a dog, but it might as well have been a decree. Some of them <ahem… Stassi Schroeder…> were so eager to suck-up to Lisa via dog-loving they adopted two poor doggies, and dressed them up in bonnets fit for English Tea.

Before we dealt with dogs, however, we had to deal with pussy cats. And also bitches. All in a days work at SUR, right!? The bitch is Jax Taylor who has been spreading news of Kristen Doute petting Brittany Cartwright‘s kitty-cat all over SUR.

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Brittany is shocked to realize even Lisa knows – which is funny because neither Brittany nor Kristen seem to know whether they did or did not engage in some carnal attraction.

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The other purry friend we must address is Tom 2. Oh, Tomlette, our poor little Tomlette! Since Katie Maloney went into active over-drive with wedding planning, Tom has been a walking panic attack. To combat his permanent hives – such a travesty for one’s glowing complexion! – Tom drags his co-Tom to a spa. There in the healing baths, after couples massages, Tom 1 wonders if Tom 2 is ready to go through with this wedding? Like, he’s diverting the money that could go towards increasing his designer sweat pant collection to bridal bouquets!

Tom 2 considers this, and then ultimately decides he better just move into the spa permanently. Perhaps live in a submarine inside the cooling baths?

Except Katie would find him – come hell or high water, she would find her betrothed, if only to secure his credit card number!

Thankfully Katie is momentarily distracted with assisting Lisa for World Dog Day. Lisa is throwing a huge outdoor festival to raise awareness and money. She expects 3 – 4,000 people (plus their canine counterparts) to attend. Katie is ostensibly tasked with selling raffle tickets and organizing the SURvers to secure donations. But her real task is to quell the Jax Taylor Machine Of Mayhem.

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Brittany is a week into her employment at SUR and already the subject of a game of telephone which reminds me of exercises from Jr. High Peer Mediation about the power of gossip allowing a story to grow and grow. The final incarnation features a familiar tale of Kristen’s antics: her boyfriend Carter is passed out on the sofa, yet in the bedroom Kristen and Brittany canoodle. If you swapped Carter for Tom 1, and Brittany for Jax, you’re basically going back in time 3 seasons! The more things change, the more they stay the same…

Brittany confronts Jax during work. He is typically un-remorseful, cause like that’s life at SUR, babe! You wanna hang with the big dogs…

What Jax is furious over – oddly – is that anyone would accuse him of lying or exaggerating what happened. Cause he definitely doesn’t have a history of that. Oh no! Brittany is adamant she and Kristen did nothing but exchange a few drunken kisses, while Carter watched. Although Kristen admits she was too trashed to remember what happened, but she’s positive Jax is lying. Cause, um, Jax is always lying…

Was it me, or did Brittany not really even seem that mad? Like she was trying to act mad, but secretly relishing in all the attention she was receiving – especially when Lisa reached out to her. Something’s fishy (pun intended!).

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Meanwhile Kristen is furious! She will not be accused of cheating again – least of all by Jax. Especially when Brittany is the best thing that ever happened to him, but also when Kristen is finally in a decent relationship with accompanying decent apartment. Is it a bummer to see all these so-called bartenders suddenly living in fabulous new apartments? Man, they need to do some new casting on this show.

Thankfully we still have James and Lala to barely hold down the poor-young-dirty-disaster-folk forts. James is essentially squatting in what he considers a penthouse, but actually looks an extended stay motel. James doesn’t feel bad for calling Katie fat, but because Lisa is upset, he promised to apologize. First he tries his luck with Scheana Marie; he’s basically sorry his truth slipped out, because like, yeah, her friend group – not including Scheana! – do need to work on their summer bodies. And obviously James can’t help being the bearer of the truth.

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For Katie and Stassi ‘working on their summer bodies’ means drinking beers in the afternoon. Cause beer is a hot weather beverage, of course! Stassi is hoping and praying and dreaming and wishing she’ll be tapped as Katie’s Maid Of Honor, but considering that Katie wasn’t even speaking to Stassi a few short months ago, Katie isn’t sure she can bestow that honor upon her. What’s a girl to do but focus on spending $15k on flowers instead!

Lala Kent also has other focuses. She recognizes that hanging out at SUR has turned her into a vicious person, and that it’s all the worse when she drinks. Is that perspective coming from a person at SUR? I need to lie down…

All things in small doses, though because after Lala acknowledges to her mom that she becomes nasty when she drinks and should probably stop, they both order wine and cheers to a whole new Lala. Is Lala’s mom supportive or enabling? However I do appreciate that Lala at least realizes she may have a problem – unlike James who thinks the whole world is jealous of his phenomenal success. I mean, he recorded Pump Sessions and now he’s DJing World Dog Day, so if you are the proud owner of a Toyota with a Mickey Mouse keychain, please come to the front. $10 says that belongs to Brittany.

Since Brittany is livid at Jax, she decides to spend the night at Scheana Marie‘s to bitch about him. When Brittany returns home the next morning Jax is passed out in his clothes and in no mood to hear it from his mom, errrrr… girlfriend. See, stability, sanity, regular sex with the same person – these are not values Jax holds dear. And fight as she may, it appears to be the same for Kristen, who struggles to remember what exactly happened with Brittany while struggling to determine if a decent apartment and a co-signer for the booze bill is worth droning predictability. At least Tom 1 fed into the drama a little bit!

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Despite Brittany railing at him for lying about her alleged hookup with Kristen, Jax refuses to back-down from “what he saw” and cannot understand why anyone would accuse him of lying. After Brittany storms out, Jax rolls over to put the pillow over his head – all the better to smother your own unhappiness, and dream of a time when you were screwing Playboy models in Vegas, I suppose!

Meanwhile Katie is badgering Tom 2 about reserving their wedding location. The deposit totals $5k. Katie doesn’t bat an eye as she gleefully snatches Tom’s wallet and plunks down the card number, but Tom holds his knees and rocks himself. He comes to and immediately suggests a prenup. Katie, high on wedding fervor, agrees – if only to maintain control of the wedding budget!

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Tom is relieved and also shocked Katie showed a rare burst of rational thinking. Somewhere, in another apartment across West Hollywood, Tom 1 frets on his better (or lesser) half’s behalf while stuffing a small dog into a baby carrier and heading to World Dog Day. Ariana Madix holds his hand and consoles him that Tom 2 will survive.

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At World Dog Day, Lisa learns that A) Kristen and Stassi are there. Lisa cannot resist getting in a dig about Kristen allegedly giving Brittany more than she needs. Kristen is speechless. She put on a demure floral dress, she put her dog in a hat, she came contrite and bragging of the donation she made, but Lisa put her right in her place in front of Joyce Giraud‘s glorious hair. As Kristen shuffles away she curses Lisa for making this an alcohol-free event, then invites everyone over for a much-needed drink.

The other drama is from James, of course. Just after he insincerely apologizes for calling Katie fat (an apology I was pleased to see Katie NOT accept), Lisa learns James was in a physical altercation the night before in the back alley of SUR. How very West Side Story. Including, I imagine, dance moves. Tom 1 tries to figure out what happened, but James merely declares that ALL people – everyone, everywhere – are jealous of his success. He has to interrupt his own rant to remind dog owners to scoop their poop! Cause FAME!

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Lisa is irate over this latest revelation about James’ behavior and determines that if he is indeed responsible for instigating, that is the final straw. Ken is in agreement as James has become an unstable liability who must be put in time-out. AGAIN.

Following Doggy Day Out, Jax is in the dog house, and needs to be sent to the pound. Brittany is barely speaking to him, and after being embarrassed by Lisa, Kristen decides to confront him. With Carter behind her, standing guard, Kristen calls Jax out for lying and accuses him of trying to sabotage his relationship to Brittany. Kristen will not be a casualty of Jax’s internal war. I thought Kristen was pretty articulate in explaining all the ways Jax was an ass, but unfortunately I think she’s mostly concerned about discovering the truth – like what if … Jax is right? What if … she ate some Kentucky cornbread muffins. What if… even in a good relationship Kristen can’t keep her hands to herself?

TELL US – IS JAX LYING? IS TOM 2 REGRETTING GETTING ENGAGED?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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