Well that’s it – another season of Vanderpump Rules done and done! But the third part of the reunion ended with quite a bang when Scheana Marie‘s estranged husband Mike Shay appeared to say everything and nothing at all.
Good lord – the girls on this show are ridiculous! Like Katie Maloney, nothing is ever Scheana’s fault as she just demands, cries, and throws tantrums then blames everyone else. Tom 2 – consider Shay your warning; Robert Valleta – consider Tom 2 your warning.
Before we witness Scheana Marie collapse into a cloud of pressed powder, we have much ground to cover. While Andy wasted time last week trying to make Stassi Schroeder‘s brother ‘happen,’ the reunion could have focused on all the drama between James Kennedy and Kristen Doute, or that time Tom 2 almost canceled his wedding while pooping in a wedding gown, as Tom 1 was crying in a Sia costume. Aaaaahhh… good times in New Orleans!
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All the talk about New Orleans and ‘Vegas Girl’ presented the first crack in Tom 2‘s ‘happily married man’ veneer as he and Katie settled into their old bickering. Just so you all know – everything wrong that happens in Katie’s life is either Tom’s fault, or Tom’s friends’ faults. Yes, still.
In the dysfunctional world of Katie Maloney she was no tyrant or bridezilla, but a peace-keeping missionary attempting to build unity and harmony amongst Tom 2‘s drama-causing friends. Katie’s friends are perfect – they do everything she says and think she is a wedding super goddess!
Thankfully we have all the feelings of Tom 1 to speak for the rest of us when he emphatically stands by his Tom 2 and refuses to bend to Tequila Katie‘s fits. Katie huffily blaming Tom 1 and Ariana Madix for her problems was justified since they were suggesting Katie and Tom 2 get therapy. “The only person at this reunion I would take relationship advice from is Lisa,” she snaps. Katie may want to reconsider that – after all Tom 1 escaped the Kult Of Kritter-Kraziness, and Jax Taylor also managed to extract himself from the suffocating tentacles of Stassi’s hubris to find the mild-mannered, Jesus-loving, spinoff worthy Brittany Cartwright. Not that LVP is any slouch in the relationship department. 😉
Tom 2 describes New Orleans as a perpetual “brown out” – he wasn’t so drunk he blacked out, but he took out all his problems on Coors Light for days.
Katie is bitter because Jax and Tom 1 had the audacity to try and destroy her fantasy wedding to save Tom 2‘s emotional state when they suggested he call it off. Do they make ‘Wedding’s Canceled’ tea towels? What about Katie!?!
Even though Katie hates Tom 1 and Jax (and Ariana) they’re still supposed to be her friends too! How dare they side with Tom 2! HE made her feel insecure and undervalued, so she HAD to lash out constantly. Katie is tired of the “poor Schwartz pity party” because she’s a victim too! Katie needs to spend a long weekend in a sanitarium watching “Men Don’t Tell” – of course this Lifetime gem starring super villain Judith Light was created before reality TV, but the message is still prescient.
Tom 1 sighs a long sigh and dabs his eyes with the corner of an embroidered handkerchief, before informing Katie that her friends “lick her asshole” like there’s a fine steak up there, and live in a fantasy world where she is She-Rah Princess of Power. The Koddling Of Katie, according to Tom 1’s feelings dictionary, is the reason she has literally destroyed Tom 2. Meanwhile Tom and Jax were acting like real friends.
Tom 2 is predictably more didactic – but finally he confronts Kristen about having the “poorest taste possible” to bring up Vegas girl during his bachelor party. Kristen insists she heard that Tom slept with her from Jax. Because anything coming from the mouths of Jax and Kristen must absolutely be the truth!
Kristen also argues that she was trying to help Katie and Tom. OK, this party-line from the Three-Headed Shebeast that they’re just trying to help and make everything all happy is BS! According to Kristen her meddling finally got Katie and Tom saved. I guess… after all, she is the messiah in the Kult of Dysfunction. On that note, later Jax mentions Jesus which emits applause and chirp from Brittany, so that just shows you how f–ked up everything has gotten over in Pump Rules land. Like James is highly tolerable and amusing (he even laughs that Ariana’s drag persona was based on ‘Drunk James Kennedy’) and Jax has found Jesus in Kentucky. Stranger things, y’all, stranger things!
But Kristen only “Dr Phil’d” Tom for attention, because she always wants to make everyone else look as bad as she does, to vindicate and gloss over her behavior. Luckily we have Tom 1′s #NeverForget feelings to continually remind us the levels of Kray Kristen operates in. Like in New Orleans sending Karter (name spelling intentional) to be her second in Komand as Kristen Jr. Oh Karter – Kristen is presently trying to trick him into proposing. Which UGH – if I have to suffer through a Kritter Wedding, I might need to eat all of Stassi and Katie’s edibles and hope for actual hallucination. The look on LVP’s face, however, said there is no fear of that nonsense overtaking Pump Rules like the plague – Kritter has already done enough!
And according to Katie, Kristen has done everything right – no one understands the “GRAVITY OF DEVASTATION” Katie was left with upon learning that Tom 2 cheated! Yet, she still begged him to propose? Cause for a ring Katie was more than willing to shove all her insecurities about LA guys and how horrible she’s been treated (didn’t she used to date Karter?), down everyone else’s throat and move on down the aisle. Yet every time Tom 2 tries to assert himself, gain a spine, or inflate a blow-up doll, ‘Devastation Katie’ rears her ugly head with meltdowns about Vegas Girl. And this is the “gravity of devastation” Tom 2 has signed his life away to. He oughtta have a tet-a-tet with Shay backstage. Freedom, dude, it’s at your fingertips and called “Tom-Tom.”
Tom 2 does mumble an admission that he “f–ked up multiple times,” but he didn’t f–k Vegas Girl – no matter what Kristen insists. Why is Kristen the self-appointed Gestapo of cheating; busting everyone for their impure thoughts about another or for instagram following women, or whatever it is? Even showing up at James‘ gig to harass him and witness GG confronting him over cheating on Raquel. Shouldn’t Kristen be wasting time on her t-shirt collection instead?
Lisa is disgusted. She had no idea things were so dreadfully bad between Tom and Katie in New Orleans, and had she known wouldn’t have officiated their wedding. Talk about DEVASTATION, because Tom and Katie actually seemed more excited about LVP doing the vows than the did about marrying each other.
Despite all the drama, Tom 2 is as happy as his vows made it seem he is – his only complaints about draining his savings to throw flowers on the ground in the woods was the bad DJ. Well, if Katie had better manners (and friends) they could’ve had the world’s greatest DJ spinning the records that send golden notes of superiority and diamond dispersions out into the night sky! That would be James I speak of…
And speaking of why did they get married, Shay – COME ON DOWN!
Scheana and Shay have not spoken in four months. Scheana complains that she’s “too sober for this” which ironically is probably how Shay realized how self-absorbed and obnoxious Scheana is!
Scheana totally deserves Katie, Stassi, and Kristen – in fact they might as well become the Four-Headed Shebeast after what we learned from Shay.
Is there literally nothing Scheana won’t do for fame, attention, or popularity? Ala throwing Shay’s addiction issues onto reality TV when he didn’t want to by secretly discussing it first with Lisa, then not telling him! Scheana’s “calculated” using of him was the beginning of the end for Shay. In the few complete sentences he spoke, he confesses that not even his parents knew he had a problem, but now everywhere he goes people ask him about it.
But worse – but worse! After Scheana used Shay’s sobriety for a storyline, she refused to give up “The Lifestyle” of partying and drinking, then resented him for detaching from her friends and fun. Scheana wines that Shay told her he didn’t mind, he argues that she just never listened to his concerns. Instead, I imagine, she stared at her own reflection in the mirror and waited until he finished talking to discuss where to display another self-portrait.
At the reunion Scheana literally spent the entire Shay segment staring at her compact, while fixing her hair and makeup. Like a teenager. Andy and Lisa had to tell her to stop, pay attention, and put the distractions away. Yes, this is Reality Relationships 101 – and participation is mandatory!
Scheana still accuses Shay of lying about his sobriety, and that when she found out he was buying pills from a friend, the marriage was officially done. OR maybe it was his sexting another girl? Or making thousands in withdraws from HER bank account, while she tirelessly supported him, then abandoning him for the studio. Shay has been Scheana’s storyline for 3 seasons now, so I think technically it’s his money too. It was THEIR wedding, HIS sobriety, and now the divorce, so… While he was hiding in the studio, Shay insists he’s built a legit record label business and his band is about to go on tour with Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
I guess Shay was also partaking in an emotional affair. Scheana caught him sexting with another girl. Why didn’t Kristen stalk her and fly her out to LA so Scheana could confront this THOT?! Kristen was so preoccupied with Tom 2′s pretend cheating, she missed the actual cheating happening right under her iPhone screen! Shame, shame!
Apparently everyone knew about Shay texting another girl, but Scheana was too prideful to admit it on camera because she she didn’t want people to claim it was her karma for cheating with Brandi Glanville‘s husband – instead, on-camrea, she lied and blamed Shay’s addiction for ruining her trust.
Poor Scheana – it’s not her fault Shay is labeled as an addict – he hurt her and therefore deserves to have his life ruined too. Like people call her a “homewrecking whore” and she’s forced to deal with it. Except Scheana sold her own “homewrecking whore” soul out for fame, so not exactly the same thing as selling out someone else, and then not even telling them in advance!
Despite all their problems (and Lisa claiming Scheana “worshipped” Shay), he was still willing to try and talk things through. The last time they filmed, Scheana promised they would be attempting a reconciliation, instead he was blindsided when she told him it was over and had already initiated divorce proceedings! WOW!
Shay is shocked that Scheana is dating already – and Robert is actually his friend. He’s currently single given that technically he’s still married. Marriage is clearly a technicality that has never concerned Scheana, though, and if SCHEANA is happy – that is all that matters, right! That is some Stassi/Katie logic right there.
Speaking of, Katie and Stassi knew Shay and Scheana were literally falling apart, yet they still spent the entire season being mean to her anyway, and yelling at her for being a bad, two-faced, boring friend or not being the best bridesmaid ever to Katie? They essentially “Shay’d” her! Like if Scheana doesn’t want to do what they want, exactly when they say, she’s divorced on camera without warning. They’re actually way worse friends than I thought!
Sadly, the guys and Ariana seem to miss Shay. And there is a sweetness and innocence to him that is endearing. Shay says he will always love Scheana, but they’re both happier now – even Jax recognized they are better off apart. They hugged goodbye and that’s it until the divorce is finalized in a few months.
Meanwhile, we await on bated breath the unveiling of Tom-Tom!
TELL US – ARE YOU GLAD WE (sort of) HEARD SHAY’S SIDE OF THE STORY? SURPRISED KATIE STILL DOESN’T BLAME HERSELF FOR ANY OF THE PROBLEMS WITH TOM 2?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]