I’m beginning to worry that Tom Sandoval and Jax Taylor have been on Vanderpump Rules for so long they now need hearing aids in addition to emotional crutches, because overnight Jax has turned into a crotchety old man with a hearing problem waving his finger around and complaining about bad kids with a turn up problem.
Everyone is still in Mexico (apparently a purgatory of all reality TV eternity) where Kristen Doute is flinging drinks at James Kennedy and Lala Kent, you know because they need a cold shower and to cool off. Or possibly for Raquel Leviss‘s sake. Or perhaps Kristen thought James’s bronzer was too intense? Actually that’s just James’s naturally perfect skin (I am obsessed and so jealous. It is PORELESS like a Noxema ad from 1992).
Whatever Kristen’s reasons for tossing a perfectly good cocktail has absolutely nothing to do with Kristen believing that James started a rumor that they hooked up. A rumor that Jax, not James, actually started and which James denied several times. James adds the only way he would’ve said anything of the sort is if he was drunk and joking.
Lala, like the wicked witch from Wizard of Oz does, not react well to water so she starts melting down amid a stream of obscenities about how Kristen is a ghetto bitch – but not a gangster one – who should learn the content of civilized conversations. Bitch. I don’t blame her. After all, Lala went to dinner at Catch but instead got caught in a firestorm and didn’t even get to eat. Obviously she is Team James.
It’s like obligatory that someone chase Lala outside to defend Kristen, and that person is Stassi Schroeder. Someone drew the short straw! And since Katie Maloney already has the short straw named Tom 2, and Patrick is not accepting collect calls from the Guantanamo Bay, that person had to be Stassi. To say Lala was not interested in any defense of Kristen’s behavior was an understatement. After all Lala is wearing Randall’s business shirt turned into a micro-mini and now Kristen has done rinsed the intoxicating scent of My Man right off it with that ratchet drink toss! This means war.
James has his own things to say. After acting all tough in front of Kristen and Stassi, he sniffles into the phone while insisting to Raquel that he didn’t do anything. James is a tragicomic hero, but the true tragedy is Tom 1, who comes over to interrogate him. James clarifies that he was in the Jacuzzi alone, but otherwise he and Kristen were biking to the beach while chaperoned by Tom 2 (who can’t even remember what resort he’s staying in let alone important details!), yet Tom 1 still believes James and Kristen “hooked up.”
We also learn that while James was sleeping next to the Jacuzzi, Kristen was listening to Fleetwood Mac on her iPhone and I can’t think of anything more unintentionally ironic than her playing “Rumors” during this poignant time. It’s like a sign or something. A sign, surely, that your life is about to be ruins, but you know Captain Obvious wasn’t available and Stevie Nicks had to moonlight in his stead.
Exhausted and starving Stassi retreated to her room to order pizza and salad (at 1 am) when Kristen burst through the door in hysterics. Katie is over babysitting her and starts lecturing Kristen about making things worse for herself by over-reacting. Katie apparently has amnesia about all of last season – and every other season she’s been appearing on our screens. Or maybe she’s taken a magic adulting pill which thus far she has unsuccessfully managed to slip into Tom 2‘s CoorsLights. Whatever the case – Katie implores Kristen to do as she says, not as she does and in response Kristen cries harder because SHE is the victim in all this.
While Katie is talking, Stassi is plotting murder. Like what if PATRICK had been out drunk until 8am with his ex. An ex he hooked up with when they first got together. Well then Stassi would construct a disposable weapon from tinfoil and water and kill them both dead with the strength of her rage. It’s not a bad plan, but I probably wouldn’t announce it on TV. Then again I wouldn’t do 90% of the things these people do on TV. Starting with being on this show and hanging out with Kristen! However, I think it’s safe to say that SUPER Rob and Patrick need to look into a 2-for-one deal on Witness Protection. They can be roomies!
According to Lala she is the victim, but she’s also a gangster with a baby bottle. So is James, who is gangster with real man tears that wants a baby bottle. It’s a shame Lala and James had to turn gangster on each other because they’re actually an adorable friend couple.
Everyone else who isn’t sorting through the rubble of their possible bad decisions is in Jax and Brittany’s room figuring out how to “turnt” or turned – or whatever it is the cool kids say these days – their alcohol consumption for their last night in Playa del Carmen.
The next morning, Jax suddenly remembers he’s supposed to be transforming into “Jason,” a person with a conscience and maturity so he kicks Brittany Cartwright out of their hotel room so he can FaceTime Kelsey and pretend to understand apartheid. I mean, he’s like an evolved man now. Jax paints himself as a victim of relentless persecution by the Shemotional Terrorist Club but forgets to mention the way he maliciously persecuted James with rumors. Jason is such a good grownup! Also with so many victims in this crowd, who can be blamed for everything going wrong? Scheana Marie, according to Jax.
Mercifully they all make it back to LA, where Tom 1 gets to work planning a “Progress Party” in the construction zone of the future TomTom. How is it legal to mix alcohol with open wires and unframed walls? Is Lisa Vanderpump crazy!? I certainly hope she made them all sign an agreement promising not to sue in case of injury. It will be SURvival of the drunkest to be sure! Tom also makes sure to let Lisa know that perhaps, just maybe, although it can’t be confirmed, that James and Kristen hooked up.
Katie is also planning things. The relaunch of her successful (LOL) beauty blog Pucker & Pout. A blog that had all of 6 posts from a woman with extremely questionable makeup and literally no qualifications to dispense advice on anything (See above.) Katie decides the way to prove to beauty insiders that she is a serious professional is by throwing another launch party – not by actually, you know, creating posts – so she hires Stassi to plan it. They’re are like “Balloons” and um… “cocktails” – party done! Then onto the important stuff dissecting the possibility of Kristen hooking up with James. The consensus is that Kristen is protesting too much and perhaps has something to hide! No one cares what James has to say.
Meanwhile Kristen bares her soul to Carter over $14 smoothies, and he is not impressed. Like duh – if Kristen loved him she wouldn’t put herself in the situation to even be accused of hooking up with an ex. Plus there’s the little matter of her past cheating episode with James (We all remember the infamous Beamer Bone!). Kristen is tried of being defined by her past. It is SO unfair, and she twists the blame to be all Tom 1‘s fault since he’s the one who started spreading the rumor. I mean, she’s not wrong… Although I’m 100% positive that Kristen is secretly delighted that all these menz – especially her exes – are fighting over her misbehavior. Kristen is like
Lisa Vanderpump’s Pavlov’s dog and has learned that bad behavior equals rewards!
Naturally Carter decides he must confront Tom 1. Not James though. James is unpredictable and scary. Plus he has Lala by his side, but Ariana Madix is barely conscious unless she’s over-analyzing her vag, so Tom 1 is the safer bet! Also Carter knows that Tom 2 is a terrible wingman-soldier since he may be at the wrong party, making out with the wrong brunette, after sipping from the bottle of beer Katie roofied so she can convince him to get in bed with her. Anyway, I predict positive things from this conversation!
At least it can’t go worse than Jax’s plan to confront Adam Spott about his alleged crush on Brittany. Newsflash: Adam doesn’t have a crush on Brittany. And Jax is a blathering idiot with a barely literate grasp on the English language.
Does anyone know what Lala is doing to her lips now? Is it from baabaas or My Mans. Is “sucking on a bottle cap” the new “it’s not about the pasta” and I am missing some strange double-meaning cause I (thankfully) don’t speak SUR?
It’s C-U-Next-Tuesday with James Kennedy at SUR, which means even Katie and Scheana can put aside their mutual hatred to share cocktails and wait for a trainwreck. Today’s feature special is Jax. Jax is all amped up (on something: Ego? Kelsey’s confidence in his ability to make tough decisions? Rageful disappointment at the way he’s squandered all his potential? Delusion? Leased Muscle Cars?) and attempts to have a man-to-man conversation with Adam about how Brittany is HIS possession, so Adam better keep his moisturized hands OFF. Things get off to a supremely bad (re: embarrassing and pathetic) start when Jax can’t even figure out how to sit on the barstool at the bar where he’s worked for the better part of his human existence. Adam just watches on, calmly and hotly, as Jax flounders and sputters.
Adam needs to be cast on this show full-time. He masterfully twisted the dialogue so that Jax forgets Adam was even involved simply by mentioning that Scheana initially orchestrated the so-called ‘Set Brittany and Adam up’ plan while they were hanging out in Jax’s home – right underneath Jax’s nose! Jax loses it because his home is a family environment! He has dogs! Dish sets! A parental block on Netflix! What Adam actually said is that Scheana suggested they all get dinner together. He did not say anything about a date, but Jax was up, up, and away to crazy town. Listening skills are your friends, kids!
The Jax Train first tries to convince Brittany to confront Scheana, but Brittany’s like dude – NO. I thought you were on reiki and that was supposed to be the equivalent of weed, go talk to Scheana yourself. However Scheana, backed by KATIE, shrugs that Jax deserves it for cheating on Brittany and it didn’t matter anyway, since nothing happened.
Jax next tries to find support with James, but he’s got Lala (and a very unimpressed Raquel) by his side and therefore must be on his best behavior. Plus, as James reminds Jax, HE just started a rumor that James and Kristen hooked up based on some PILLOWS propped up on the pool deck and no other evidence whatsoever. So no sympathy from the DJ booth.
That’s when Jax loses whatever perilous grasp he has and explodes into a cloud of tiny sequined cellulite molecules aspirated by stolen sangria. Unfortunately it happens just as Lisa and Ken walk through the door. Poor Jax can’t believe everyone is twisting his words and accusing HIM of lying – even Lisa – because per Kelsey he is the innocent victim. After Mr. Grown Up Tough Stuff flips Lisa off behind her back, from the front of the restaurant, she demands he leave immediately and throws him out.
Outside Tom 1 tries to calm Jax down but he’s past the point of return. Jax was literally foaming at the mouth and stamping his feet (at one point he was possibly howling at the moon), because Scheana betrayed him IN HIS HOME and everyone is blaming him for the James mess and they’re all trying to ruin his life. I guess Kelsey hasn’t gotten to the accountability section of his reiki training yet? Obviously Jax seems no correlation between his CHEATING on Brittany and everyone else defending her…
Truly Jax is so delusional he makes Scheana telling Lisa – with a straight face – that SIX DAYS after her divorce finalized that she and Rob are looking at houses together and naming babies. Rob likes the name ESCAPE or possibly SAVEME for a girl. And he wants to live on Invisible Drive, a highly secure gated community where he can repurpose one of the wedding photos Scheana is selling on Divorce Closet into a “NO ADMITTANCE’ sign. I imagine at the mailboxes there’s a poster that says: “If You See This Women Alert The Authorities.”
Meanwhile Jax goes home to ponder all the lessons Nelson Mandela taught about shady friends, being blamed for your own bad decisions , and dealing with adversity and foes!
TELL US – WTF WAS WRONG WITH JAX?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]