Stassi Schroeder‘s latest podcast covers issues far and wide in the realms of reality TV – from how villains save reality TV, to Real Housewives, to how The Bachelor has changed. But the Vanderpump Rules star also discusses her dream funeral, high-stakes Instagram negotiation, and why she’s obsessed with Asian women.
Below are some of the highlights (I use that term loosely). Stassi’s guest is her friend, comedian Annabelle DeSisto. Honestly, almost every topic on the show came back to death of some sort, which is strange.
First, “DJ James f–king Kennedy, the human scrotum” is the latest thing making Stassi contemplate suicide, because it is super unfair he could inherit money from George Michael. She texted everyone a pic a cult’s mass suicide, because if James gets any money, they’re going to want to kill themselves.
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Stassi is also having Instagram drama due to a fake Stassi impersonating her. Kinda.
For brand symmetry, Stassi “was desperate” to get the Instagram handle @Stassi to match her Twitter handle (her current IG is @StassiSchroeder). She had to appeal to get @Stassi on Twitter – someone had it, but it was inactive. “I remember that moment like I remember 9/11,” she gushes. “I remember where I was, what I was wearing when I got the message that I was @Stassi.”
Stassi’s quest to get @Stassi on Instagram has been less successful, thanks to an “Asian girl who had just recently moved to Texas.” She hadn’t posted for years. “Her name wasn’t even Stassi. I stalked her enough back in the day to figure it out,” Stassi explains. Just as Stassi was “this close” to IG giving her the handle, the girl posted something.
All this happened before Vanderpump Rules was big. Stassi messaged the girl and asked if she’d sell @Stassi for $400. The girl asked for with $10,000 instead, because of the “sentimental value.” (HAHA!) “She was dead serious.”
Stassi said no – $10,000 is like “two boob jobs.” She laughs, “I’ll sell my own Instagram name for $10,000. Honestly – I don’t need to be Stassi Schroeder, I can be Swedish Princess on Instagram if someone wants to pay me $10,000 for it!” Stassi jokingly encourages everyone to “go bully” the owner of @Stassi to “make her switch.”
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Stassi adds, “I’m so sick of ‘bully’ being transformed into something else … you can’t f–king use it in a joke anymore. I don’t think I’m a bully.” Why do I suddenly want to write a song titled “$10,000 Instagram” sung by Erika Jayne?
Stassi praises her Asian IG imposter as “Season 1 Stassi,” and says, “I admire this chick and I really do respect her hustle.”
This spirals into a tangent about Stassi’s idolization of Asian women. “The way that the Kardashians are, like, so looked up to in the US – I feel like they should be Asian,” she laughs. “Every time I go to Rodeo Drive or any expensive store – it’s always Asians, and I’m like what are you guys doing with your lives that I’m not? How did you get it so right and I didn’t? Why don’t more people talk about this?”
“I don’t feel bad having this conversation. These are all positive things,” Stassi continues. “It’s not racist because I’m actually jealous. I’m trying to be them. They’re clever. They have zero flaws.” Also, Asian girls are every guy’s fantasy, says Stassi.
“The nicest compliment Patrick ever gave me in the three years we were together, he said, ‘Stassi’s like the Asian-ist white, blonde girl I’ve ever met.’ That is huge,” she adds.
Stassi’s other obsession is Caroline Stanbury, who she describes as “the one who acts like me.” That’s a high compliment.
Stassi doesn’t think Caroline deserves the villain edit because “she’s the only f–king person that is actually doing her job and the only person that is actually delivering anything.”
“Caroline – I’m bowing down,” Stassi proclaims. “Everyone might be hating on you, saying you’re a bully, but all those other chicks are just as big a bully as you are in real life, but they’re not acting like that the second the camera turns on because they have an agenda. They’re like, ‘I want my cookbook to be successful so I better be likable.’ The people who are getting this villain edit – they’re not thinking, ‘How can I make myself likable so that I can sell something?’ They’re just doing their f–king job, living their life, saying their opinion, talking about their thoughts and feelings, and just, like, living their truth.”
Stassi goes on to rant about people “cyber bullying” reality villains. “Your favorite shows would be canceled if everyone sat around holding hands. You’re welcome. Do people not realize this?!”
Stassi likens it to single-season Real Housewives that viewers call boring. Annabelle chimes in with, like, “Kathryn Edwards with your half-deaf self. She was like the most wasted part of last season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.” Really? REALLY?! Stassi agrees that she doesn’t remember who Katherine even is.
“The people who are villains are giving everyone else on that show a job. I’m doing my job,” Stassi defends. “You have to be crazy to go on a reality show. I’m crazy. [laughs].”
“I’m angry, cause I feel like every f–king year I look like an asshole. Granted, my humor is dickish… that’s just my personality. Even in real life, I’m polarizing – you either like me or you don’t.”
“Now I’m resentful of all the people on my show that come into it and are like, ‘I wanna be liked,’ so they don’t act the way they act off camera. Therefore, there’s no footage to show them being an asshole. There’s no footage to show them being themselves, being assertive or aggressive, or stating their opinions or feelings.” Who exactly is she referring to that is likable on Pump Rules?
At one point Stassi declares, “If you make me work, I’m going to have negative energy.” Which must totally explain her behavior…
“Bethenny is newly re-likable to me,” explains Stassi, based on how Bethenny handled Sonja over Tipsy Girl. “It cheapens [Bethenny’s] brand,” Stassi argues. “It makes it a joke. If Kristen started a podcast and called it ‘Straight up With Kristen,’ it’s cheapening mine. Bethenny was nice to sit there and talk to her like that.”
Stassi‘s friend Annabelle argues that Sonja is broke, and doesn’t even have heat in her townhouse, so Bethenny could’ve been more sympathetic. “I don’t have heat,” retorts Stassi. “I forgot to pay my gas bill for a really long time, and I don’t cook for myself, so now I’m like cold all the time.”
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Stassi declares the scene of Sonja sobbing in Bethenny’s Skinnygirl office “the greatest scene in the history of reality television,” but clarifies that Sonja is one of her favorite Housewives to watch.
“If Sonja Morgan goes away from New York Housewives, I don’t know that I would continue to watch it. New York Housewives is my favorite one, but I’ve fallen off it a little bit. Why did they fire Alex and Simon? WHY? They were just like Sonja – they were just such good TV.” Stassi doesn’t like Carole, but she loves Dorinda Medley after meeting her at an event.
“I don’t have enough good things to say about her. She was so likable, so fun, so kind. She reminded me of what my mom’s like when my mom goes out. Just like really accepting and loving of girls that are younger. I’ve been told so many of the other Housewives refuse to do WWHL with us – people from Southern Charm, people from Vanderpump – because we’re younger. Even though they’re all skinnier and have better bodies because they work out hard, so that doesn’t even make sense. Dorinda has so much confidence and she’s so lively and just in tune with herself. And her body, was just like, what the f–k do you do?! I’m 28 and I don’t look like you!”
Stassi also loves Yolanda Hadid, who she totally believes had (has?) chronic Lyme disease. Stassi met Yolanda on WWHL three years ago. “Yolanda is one of the most confident women I’ve ever seen. She was so mothering and so kind to me and made me feel so comfortable.”
In a totally weird twist, Stassi reveals that she has her funeral all planned out.
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“I’ve always loved death. I’ve always loved this shit. I should’ve just been an obituary writer or a funeral party planner. Because there are a lot of people out there that want their funerals to be like parties – like me! I want to be stuffed – like you do with an animal – with make up and hair. And I want a spray tanner to spray me first. And I want my yellow vintage Oscar de la Renta dress that I found from Decades for only $500, that I wore in the opening credits of Vanderpump Rules, because it reminds me of Carrie Bradshaw. And I want a glass of wine in my hand.”
Stassi wants everyone in attendance to take photos with her corpse.
Stassi jokes that a taxidermied Scheana Marie should be serving taxidermied Stassi wine. “If she dies before me I want you to exhume her body so she can do that,” wearing her purple SUR Dress, “so it can be authentic.” She wants her ashes distributed between a wine bottle and a Chloe bag, except her head, which is gonna be mounted on the wall “like a deer head but with a crown on it.” And part of her body will be buried in the family mausoleum in New Orleans, “cause I love cemeteries.” That is just the weirdest thing ever.
Discussing past relationships, Stassi says she loves Cameron Diaz, which is why she dated a SUR manager who was Argentinian. “He was like in love with me,” she gushes. “I was 22, he was probably 27 or 28. He would feed me wine the whole night. He would always tell me, ‘You are Cameron Diaz in The Holiday.'” Stassi worries about being “allowed” to share that story but decides Lisa and Ken don’t listen to her podcast.
“He was perfectly polite and didn’t do anything wrong, but I could tell that he was censoring himself because he wanted to be the Bachelor. Every other person from the Bachelor I’ve ever interviewed is super honest about everything. It definitely felt like, um, it was like what a celebrity interview would be like where someone is coached on PR. I don’t have anything bad to say about him. He was very kind, so I’m not talking shit.”
“It was pageant answers,” Stassi adds. “He’s good. He’s a reality veteran.”
Stassi – a huge fan – discusses how The Bachelor has become about “people wanting to quit their jobs and Instagram Fit Tea.”
“It was so sincere. They weren’t celebrity-ish people. You went on The Bachelor because you wanted to find love. Social media changed everything. I’m on reality TV and I’m using it for something. I get it – I’m in the same boat they are. I’m not hating on that. I’m just saying it used to be different.”
Stassi is also getting inundated with tweets that one of the contestants, Corinne, looks just like her. (Stassi actually thinks Corinne looks like Tiffany Trump). She a photo here.
In the random tidbits: Stassi doesn’t judge Lala Kent for getting plastic surgery. “I don’t care. She’s doing whatever it takes to make herself feel good herself – and that is fine. It’s the same idea [as putting on makeup].”
Sorry this was so long – the entire show was almost TWO HOURS (not kidding).
TELL US – DO VILLAINS SAVE REALITY TV? WOULD YOU LET STASSI PLAN YOUR FUNERAL? ANY OTHER ‘LAST THOUGHTS’?
[Photo Credit: Theo Wargo/Getty Images]