Teddi Mellencamp & Camille Grammer

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Lions, & Tigers, & Housewives… Oh My!

Ahhhh the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills shed their glam squads and their Bentley’s for an RV to throw Lisa Vanderpump under and the simple life of campsite massages, and roasting weenies and each other!

I am so confused by this RV. First of all why does it look like sunscreen advertisement outside Spring Break destinations? Why is it so… tacky? Why is Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave the roadside version of a Goodyear Blimp (God – Ms. Calorie Coach would loooooove that comparison!)?

Then comes the packing. For less than 24 hours in the woods the only people who managed to bring one bag or less was Denise Richards – who showed up with a tote bag and homemade muffins – and Teddi, who probably only packed a food scale. Flashback: Remember when Kim Richards brought a juicer on a cast trip to Puerto Rico and worried about being able to plug it in in the limo?

Lisa Rinna

Lisa Rinna packed all the essentials one needs for a night in the woods with the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: a hatchet, an axe (for backstabbing), a target, tequila, a copy of Rinnovation for campsite counseling, designer slippers, a boxers robe with her name on it, a pill bag filled with EmergenC and a handle of tequila, and a wig solar hair dryer. I’m pretty sure Erika Girardi was pretending to be au naturale while toting her glam squad and Mikey behind her in a uHaul.

But before the women depart civilization completely it’s time to stock up on provisions. $700 (and no donuts later) they are on the road again with an RV full of booze and 30 calorie almond milk. Kyle Richards has anxiety just thinking about the open road. A tire could fly off! The bus could catch on fire! A bird could poop on their window. She could spill wine on her designer sherpa. A bomber could sneak on board and you’d be forced to save all your friends with the help of a super sexy cop — if only you weren’t afraid to drive from high up, or at high speeds. I don’t get Kyle – she has no issues putting her kid in a glorified goKart and driving through LA traffic, but she’s petrified of an RV?

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Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Grocery Shopping

The important thing, though, was not having a plan for what to eat, but having a plan for how to start drama. Kyle whispers to Teddi and Lipsa that PK sent her an ‘apology’ text which was just as condescending as the apology he gave to her face. The text basically warned Kyle not to blame Dorit Kemsley for his actions. Or, what? He’ll sell a story about her to Radar Online? tell everyone she secretly eats pasta for lunch?

After all the stress and worry about ‘camping’ in the RV and how to preserve the food the women arrive, and we learn they’re all sleeping in luxury yurts outfitted with fridges, bathrooms, and beds. Just in case, a personal masseuse is on-site to rid them of camping-related stress. Stresses like each other? Will one of them be forced to sleep in Lipsa’s duffle?

Right away Teddi decides she’s the Girl Scout Leader of this trip. Everyone will follow her lead, her instructions, and most importantly the words coming from Teddi’s mouth, since they’re cut off from the use of smart phones and have no other source of information! Is this Cult Teddi? Like with Lisa Vanderpump out of the scene, Teddi decided their group needs a new queen – someone more down to earth and of the people, so might as well be here!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Husband PK Kemsley Finally Settles His Lawsuit With The Bellagio Hotel

So when Kyle asks Camille Grammer what she’s going to do about inviting LVP to her wedding Teddi is full of ideas about how Camille needs to call LVP on the phone and hold her accountable for friendship responsibilities. Camille doesn’t really seem to care all that much – she needs just enough Housewives present to ensure Bravo cameras attend, and plus she probably doesn’t want her second BIG DAY being dominated by Kyle crying over LVP, or Teddi and Lipsa trying to confront her about PuppyGate.

Erika Girardi

Dorit starts on with how she’s been victimized. While this was going on Erika had been up the hill getting her massage to the sound of cackling. First, it was the sound of laughter and the whoosh of a ping pong ball hitting a beer bong cup, but quickly Erika sensed a change: there was danger in their midst. As Erika hurried down the path, she felt the cool chill of a dark presence and the slight tinge of a British accent in the breeze. Oh… it was just Dorit recounting her story of lunch at PUMP. Erika issues a decree – if LVP doesn’t want to hang out with them, and work at friendship – her loss. Erika never bought her BS anyway. But, what happens when we stop talking about LVP? We have to hear about that time Camille wore a strap-on with Kelsey. BAAAARF.

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After lunch picking at some veggies it’s time for rock climbing. Camille is all too familiar with a harness (see above), and Dorit is all too familiar with climbing — social climbing, and climbing out of a jam, that is – so she scales right up that rock. Lipsa excels at pretty much anything because “hustle” is running through her veins, and Kyle basically cries while climbing  onto someone’s stoop or riding an escalator because heights are scaaaary! Is that why she’s always doing splits? To keep her grounded?

Who knew Dorit was so successful at low-brow activities like rock climbing and beer pong? And here I thought she was an international socialite raised on Hermes china and Chanel pinafores.

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills dinner

Back at the campsite Denise, Camille, and Dorit try to work a grill to cook dinner. If you’ve ever seen Troop Beverly Hills this was a moment right out of that movie. Camille had a plastic spatula and giant slabs of meat – certainly not something she’s used to (ahem… Kelsey!) – and brushed oil on the burgers, instead of the actual grill slats so they all stuck and fell apart. Dorit was hovering around like that annoying fly buzzing about buns at a campout about how sizzling Beverly Beach is, which had Camille distracted – or confused by the annoying sound – and then Teddi swooped over, ripped the tongs out of Camille’s hands, turned down the grill and literally shooed them away. From that moment forward the only thing Camille planned to burn was Teddi. Don’t fuck with the Camille DONATACCI Grammer!

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Denise returns from her massage to badly cooked burgers and expectant eyes, glistening with gossip and salivating not over the food they didn’t eat, but over the juicy details of Denise’s sex life. Everyone starts discussing Happy Ending messages. Denise and Aaron Phypers went on a scavenger hunt to find one since he’s the only man she’s ever been with who hasn’t experienced this unique pleasure. First of all, I’d ask who the hell was Denise dating, but the obvious answer is Charlie Sheen, and clearly CLEARY she has a type. All the other women swear that if their husbands were out getting Happy Endings they’d be coming home to an unhappy one. We all know that’s not true though…

Denise Richards

That’s when Erika jumps in, awkwardly, that she’s never met a man who hasn’t hired a prostitute. Even though Tom has never explicitly admitted this, she suspects. Thankfully to save the dignity they allow Erika to believe she has, all the women pretended not to hear this and went right back to demanding answers from Denise about whether or not she’s had a happy ending herself. Again, rhetorical question. Of course she has!

Then Erika trying to outdo Denise again pipes in that she’s also had one, but no one really cares about plastic Erika’s Barbie vagina when they can hear all about Denise – the woman who temporarily tamed Charlie Sheen and is, well, Denise. Unflappable, Solo Cup toting, Denise.

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You so know that Kyle snuck back to the Yurt desperately tried to get a signal and was calling places in Malibu that provides this service. And when she was asking Denise where to find one the next morning, she was secretly serious…

And that my friends is where the fun ended, and Teddi began. Oh Teddi. It always comes down to talking about Lisa and Dorit and Kyle for this girl!. Teddi still believes that PK made his comment to Kyle intentionally, and it was premeditated, or something, and Camille is just fed up. She straight up tells Teddi to stop overtalking everyone to insert her opinion because well, she may THINK she’s a know-it-all, but she’s not. She’s a millennial! (Teddi wishes.)

Camille Grammer & Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave

Shockingly Camille admits to talking shit about Teddi at the lunch she had with Denise. When Teddi tries to come at Camille for being one way behind everyone’s back but another way to their faces, Camille snaps, “Well my face is right here.” I am so here for the return of Camille Donatacci Grammer, pernicious bitch queen of Beverly Hills. And they all thought LVP was a sniper from the side…

Of course they can’t turn on each other – not yet. The target is still LVP, lest she reappear they must be united, so Lipsa reminds them that this situation was “created by somebody else,” and that somebody else, announces Camille, is LVP, whom Camille compares to “a toxic wave that’s taking over.”  With that Dorit and Kyle decide to put their issues aside, and this leads to the uncomfortable realization that Lisa Rinna is now the godmother of the group. The oldest, the wisest, and the most willing to stir the shit… ladies you are doomed.

RELATED: Kyle Richards Says “Show Must Go On” If Lisa Vanderpump Leaves Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Because what happens in the woods, stays in the woods – except when it stays on your thighs – Erika decides to throw caution to the literal wind and eat Pumpkin Pie with ReddiWhip and CheezeWhiz for breakfast the next morning.

The perfect whipped topping on the supermarket pie is that Camille and Teddi don’t argue before coffee. Instead, they ignore each other. A pattern Teddi would like to see continue for all eternity. Camille’s rabbit hole is one she does not wish to go down. Really? I do.

Then they all board the RV again to head back to their comfort zones. All in all it was a good trip. North Face Parkas weren’t snagged on branches. They kept their Cheeto consumption down to a minimum. And, most importantly, no one’s plastic surgery melted in the fire.

On the ride home they opened up about the positive good reality TV and social media can have in the world. Kyle believes it has encouraged body positivity thanks to the Kardashians’ big butts. And I agree with Kyle. These children of GenX don’t feel the pressure to conform to a body type or a certain look. We are evolving and growing. And that can mean a Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills without LVP. And that can be OK. Only Lipsa worries they might cave under the pressure. But that is a good a happy ending as this group can expect!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]