D'Andra Simmons Real Housewives Of Dallas

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Mid-Evil Times

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas was memorable for a couple of things. Like that Rodney Atkins can be rented for $75k and that Stephanie Hollman is so stinkin’ rich it’s totally affordable it to hire a country superstar to play while your friends get wasted in over-the-hill sorostitute Halloween costumes.

However, the most memorable thing that happened was learning that Mama Dee Simmons wears a wig. And not just one wig, but she has over 100 platinum blonde bullet shaped prosthetic hair caps. Are they mating? Does that make Dee’s wig room the biggest wig room on Bravo? Are some of them long-haired? Why is Dee not selling a wig collection on Christian television? 

Anyway, first things first, Kameron Westcott boycotted Travis‘ birthday party. Kameron claimed it was because her daughter, Hilton, had a ballet recital, and she couldn’t squeeze in both activities. But, Stephanie saw right through that ‘coincidence.’ She knew right away that this was Kameron trying to teach Stephanie a lesson by throwing in her face that she can also cancel last-minute for ‘kid events.’ Kameron confirmed as much to Kary Brittingham when she admitted she could’ve come to both events if she felt like Stephanie made more an effort to elevate their friendship from “surface” to hovering on cloud 9, just about eye-level with Kameron’s ego.

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Stephanie doesn’t really care. Or rather she shouldn’t care, but Stephanie cares what everyone thinks of her and especially struggles with knowing that Kameron constantly judges her and has a low opinion of her. Kameron may be complaining that Stephanie views their friendship as ‘surface,’ but the truth of the matter is that Kameron has always viewed her friendships with Stephanie and Brandi Redmond as subterranean. And musty.

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Stephanie Hollman

Stephanie confides in her mom how hurt her feelings are because this brings up a deep-seated childhood issue of being treated as ‘less than’ by the wealthy, popular women in her tiny Oklahoma town. Stephanie also witnessed her mom being mistreated by these women time and time again, and she just took it in order to keep the peace, then came home and cried. Stephanie recognizes that ‘go along to get along’ behavior in herself, but her mom orders her to stop letting Kameron’s opinion matter. Because it doesn’t. Truly.

Her mother also wonders why Stephanie would want to keep fighting for a friendship that clearly isn’t a friendship – especially when Kameron is using all these micro-aggressions to socially manipulate Stephanie into feeling guilty for having her own opinion. I honestly don’t Kameron is that sophisticated. I mean, she didn’t know what “disparage” means, for crying out loud, even though Kameron disparages everyone left and right and in the middle. I think Kameron is petty, immature, and handles feeling ignored or slighted by throwing a tantrum – which is why she overreacts whenever anyone challenges her. But Stephanie should take her mom’s advice anyway. Especially in regards to whatever her mom is doing to her skin, because it’s gorgeous.

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Travis Hollman

Also, Stephanie has better things to worry about than appeasing Kameron’s perfectly pink puckered world that is wrapped tighter than a gnat’s anus around D’Andra’s trust. Stephanie is planning a mid-life crisis themed birthday party and had to plan an actual day birthday embarrassment by surprising Travis with a trip to Medieval Times.

Stephanie joked that she was going to take him to the Round-Up, before pulling up in front of a stucco King Arthur’s castle. Travis would’ve preferred the Round-Up because at least there he’d get his dick sucked. At Medieval Times he got knighted by plastic sword and was forced to eat an entire rubber pheasant with a straw and a paper crown.

Brandi and Bryan were of course along for this fantastical shit-show. Brandi and Stephanie take great joy in the little things in life: plastic wine goblets, Travis being crowned King Bee, and tooting after consuming too many borderline rotten banquet chickens. I’m so glad these two have found each other, and that Bryan and Travis have each other for solidarity and support.

The next day Stephanie meets Kary to do a photo shoot for her jewelry collection. Kary started the line 3 years ago and Eduardo has no financial stake in it – not even as an investor. Eduardo’s not even paying for the photo shoot, which explains why Kary is standing in front of a sheet of paper with only her daughter as the model/stylist. it also explains why Kary is mysteriously wearing hot pink mini-shorts with ankle boots. Kary didn’t need to dress in mid-life crisis costume – she dresses like that every day!

Stephanie models a few pieces, then cries about being slighted by Kameron and how she doesn’t like to admit how deeply people affect her. Kary is empathetic. Which is nice, but is Kary truly felt bad she wouldn’t have repeated to Stephanie the real reason Kameron was skipping the party.

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Stephanie is also nice when she pretends Kary’s jewelry line earnings could potentially replace Eduardo’s millions if he has a mid-life crisis that involves trading Kary in for a younger model.

Now that she doesn’t have to waste time coming up with a mid-life crisis costume (what on earth would Kameron wear to that, anyway? A frumpy sweatsuit?) Kameron has time to prepare Hilton for competitive summer camp with an archery lesson. Kameron wants to demonstrate to her 8-year-old that she’s cool enough to do something athletic besides pilates. And truthfully I don’t even think Kameron could do that successfully! Too many things to keep straight at once.

Court and Hilton try to convince Kameron that she’s aiming for a purse she wants, but why would Kameron ever injure and harm an innocent purse – especially one she wants? Then Court suggests she imagine a person she doesn’t like’s face on the target. Stephanie immediately comes to mind and Kameron begins hitting bulls-eye after bulls-eye. I don’t think that was a coincidence either! Hilton is finally impressed by Kameron.

Brandi Redmond Stephanie Hollman

Stephanie dresses up as Peggy Bundy for Travis’s birthday and makes Travis wear head-to-toe Gucci, like some aging loser trying to fit in with the younger crowd. He’s the cool dad! Brandi came as Playboy Bunny. Cary Deuber wasn’t there, which surprised me (cleary she found out she was a half-castmate after being uninvited from the trip!), and LeeAnne Locken came as herself because she’s a midlife crisis in action. Actually, LeeAnne dressed tamer than she does in real life.

Lastly, D’Andra waltzed in dressed as a cougar version of Mama Dee. D’Andra is nervous as hell to be at this party. She hasn’t seen LeeAnne since before the wedding, and she’s expecting Rich to be there and isn’t sure what to say to him. Rich was ‘sick’ and couldn’t make it, but wants to wish Travis a happy momentous birthday gift of butt sex. Too bad he went to Medieval Times instead of the Round-Up!

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Travis Hollman Birthday

LeeAnne thought she was being shady by exposing Mama Dee‘s wig collection, but obviously, Mama Dee and D’Andra have no problem letting the universe know that she wears a wig. All the wigs in Dallas, to be exact.

When D’Andra is nervous, D’Andra drinks. Plentifully. Then she starts flashing her pasties and falling over everywhere while Rodney Atkins is trying to pretend he’s not at the lowest moment in his career. LeeAnne is not pleased to witness D’Andra, once again, behave like an over-the-hill sorority girl. Even though it’s appropriate at this midlife crisis party.

D'Andra Simmons

Stephanie believes the real issue is that D’Andra doesn’t know how to handle being around LeeAnne sober, and she’s also desperately trying to get LeeAnne to notice and accept her. Which is interesting because D’Andra always seemed like the dominant force in their relationship. I think Stephanie may have a point, though, because D’Andra does always want LeeAnne to take care of her when she’s drunk. Maybe it’s D’Andra’s way of trying to show LeeAnne that she’s needed and wanted?

LeeAnne has no grace, however, so instead of just accepting that this is D’Andra reaching out (and LeeAnne so recognizes that it is!) she attempts to belittle D’Andra as a drunk mess, and pawn her off on Kary.  I get it though – who wants to spend a party drunk-sitting your former friend? Well, LeeAnne probably does because LeeAnne loves any type of validation that shows she’s necessary.

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After the party, which was a raging success if only because of D’Andra’s costume (did she have a tiara made from bullets on that wig?), the women all prepare for Thailand. Mama Dee expresses great reservations about D’Andra going on another vacation while her company is failing, but D’Andra brushes it aside because she ‘needs’ a break. Um, D’Andra, this is exactly why Mama Dee doesn’t trust you with a loan, or access to your money! Although Stephanie is right: put on that wig, waltz on into Dallas Savings & Loan, and drain that sucker with gusto. Truly no one would know D’Andra wasn’t Dee.

Brandi is leaving right in the middle of deciding what could potentially happen with Bruin’s impending sibling. She and Bryan are still undecided about adopting another child, and are waiting on the results of a paternity test to determine if this is Bruin’s full sibling, or half. Brooklyn is relieved to see the back of at least one red head, and will not miss her mother at. all. Just in case anyone thought she might!

Travis is gearing up for a week of nonstop work while also helping his father. He’s only taking part of his medication and has been calling constantly to complain about feeling ill. His dad wants Travis to bring him home immediately. Travis is acting unaffected, but Stephanie knows the stress is weighing heavy on him. He did seem awfully subdued at his birthday party!

LeeAnne Locken

Kameron is hoping no one will be sharing a room and that any surprises come in the form of a jewelry box. Kary Brittingham collection? Of course, Kameron and Stephanie are the first two to arrive at the airport to surface together awkwardly. Then the ladies board a plane for an unknown destination. Literally, since none of them actually know that Thailand is in Asia! Hopefully, no one gets human trafficked into a ping pong show and winds up shooting turtles out their hoo-ha. Cause that’s worse than whatever happens at the Round Up!

Also – why is everything on Bravo happening in Thailand lately? Alexis Bellino vacationed there, Below Deck is stationed there (and Alexis will be a guest on Valor), now the Real Housewives Of Dallas are traveling there… Thailand is either very brave or very desperate. It’s basically D’Andra at a party with LeeAnne!


[Photo Credits: Bravo & Peter Larsen/Bravo]