On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas LeeAnne Locken tied the knot to Rich Emberlin and treated her wedding ceremony like the sideshow act at a carnival. She then treated her wedding guests like they needed to pay for their own corndogs.
LeeAnne also insulted her own mother from the altar, because what better opportunity to say your piece to your mother when she can’t interrupt than during your own wedding vows?!
LeeAnne’s mother, Margaret, did in fact make it to the wedding. Right on time, in fact, and wearing a gold sequined dress. LeeAnne then proceeded to spend the entire ceremony and reception ignoring her. Margaret even had to beg for a photograph with her own daughter!
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LeeAnne and Rich wrote their own vows so naturally she took the opportunity to complain about feeling “unloved, unwanted, and abandoned during her childhood” while her mom sat, front-row, eyes shining with happy tears. LeeAnne did all this while wearing a 2 foot tall over-compensating crown on her head with hands as bloated looking as the latex gloves filled with ice the hospital has you put on your vagina after you have a baby. Afterwards Queen Of Delusion breezed right past her family to hop in a Rolls Royce for drive-thru corndog. You can take the girl out of the carnival…
Unloved, unwanted, and abandoned at the church, LeeAnne’s mother told family members that she just wants LeeAnne to realize she was loved and get the f–k over herself! Um, LeeAnne’s entire identity is wrapped up in this fabricated illusion that she was abandoned at the carny like some sort of Little Orphan Annie, so… Also LeeAnne never talks about the grandparents that saved her anymore, so were they deleted from her story too?
With five hours to kill between the ceremony and the weeding LeeAnne wants to get herself some wienie! She means a foot-long chili dog, which she ate standing up so it wouldn’t spill on her $10k dress. Rich wouldn’t let her eat in the car. Who wants hot dog burps, farts, and bloating on your wedding day?
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Well, can’t blame her given that she knew that other than the world’s largest charcuterie platter no food would be served at her reception. I guess LeeAnne burned some major bridges with the Dallas catering scene and no one was willing to comp a meal for 1,000?
None of the guests knew this detail, however. Or at least not Stephanie Hollman, Kameron Westcott, and Kary Brittingham who were the only housewives who made it to LeeAnne and Rich’s big day. Cary Deuber was also there. The reception was carnival on acid themed, like think Carnivale in Rio. It featured lots of people dancing in costumes (including LeeAnne), girls doing acrobatics on air-born saddles, and Rich ogling all the women like he didn’t just yoke himself to LeeAnne and her 5 personalities for um, the remainder of the time she’s on Real Housewives Of Dallas.
The only thing this wedding didn’t have was LeeAnne’s gracious attitude and dinner. (Kameron also dished that the bar ran out of water and people had to get it from the bathroom). But it was the happiest day of LeeAnne’s life – a selfish reflection of all the love and adoration LeeAnne craves and feels entitled to, thrown by her for her, at the expense of everyone else. And to those who don’t stay on script about how LeeAnne deserves this after her harrowing childhood, well they get to sit at home and cook their own damn gourmet supper!
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I’m talking about D’Andra Simmons and Jermey Lock, who are thrilled to forgo celebrating LeeAnne’s marriage in favor of celebrating their own with a little homegrown Iron Chef competition. Apparently this is foreplay for them. D’Andra loves food more than anything and if Jeremy puts a donut round his unmentionable she will lap it right up. Now we know why he gave her 50 donuts for her birthday!
The theme for the evening is seafood. And D’Andra wins by a point for deep-fried crabs and prawns in curry. For dessert she gets Jeremy. Covered in powdered sugar.
Brandi Redmond was also happy to miss LeeAnne’s wedding and instead spent a blissful weekend at the NFL Draft pick. But now it’s back to reality and reality includes 3 kids who don’t behave with the threat of another one on the way. Brandi and Bryan are conflicted about whether or not to consider adopting Bruin’s future sibling. Bryan, who was the oldest of 4 and remembers a childhood of his mother being too busy with babies to pay attention to him, is firmly against it citing allllllll the practical reasons: two babies at once, they’re already overwhelmed, they’d need a bigger house and car, and Brooklyn is on the cusp of tween, acting out like crazy, and needs A LOT more attention than any baby.
Unfortunately, Brandi’s heart is telling her this the right thing to do. Well, I haven’t seen a baby pop up on her instagram so either she’s hiding another baby from Kameron, or they went with the sane choice of staying in close contact with the other adoptive family so they can get these biological siblings together without having to take on a fourth child.
Over at Stephanie’s house, we learn that Travis has a jacuzzi in his bedroom and likes to sit in there to fart unnoticed and inoffensively. Of course he does. Travis is heading to Thailand to check on his ailing father and the Hollman companies they also have there, and pretends this is the peeeeeeeeerfect opportunity for Stephanie and her girlfriends, the women he loves and adores, to join them! I wonder if this is about the time Cary D found out she wasn’t making the cut? Sptehanie is like OMG – what a super idea, we’ll leave right after your 50th birthday party which we’re also pretending we haven’t planned at all even though hahahahah it’s happening tomorrow.
Stephanie calls up all the girls, including LeeAnne, and miracles of miracles they can ALL go in two weeks time with zero regard to kids, failing businesses, new marriages, floundering marriages, and Global Pet Expos. Seriously what is Kameron going to eat in Thailand? Noodles, I guess? She should bring some boxes of Kraft Mac N Cheese just in case. Remember that crazy chef Mila from Below Deck Mediterranean? Kameron would be thrilled if they chartered a yacht and she was there to make them boxed pancakes and put Hidden Valley ranch on a chicken tender sandwich.
Kameron is frankly surprised she was even invited given all her issues with Stephanie, but counts this as an important step forward in Stephanie proving her worth to Kameron, aka sucking up until Kameron’s mental image of Stephanie is no longer the word “surface” with grime smeared on it.
Stephanie, too, has her doubts that this trip will help her reconnect with Kameron, but there will elephants and maybe they like pink dog food? Stephanie also thinks LeeAnne and D’Andra will be getting along like donuts and jelly on this trip. After being starved and held prisoner at LeeAnne’s wedding, she is clearly suffering from lack of food affecting her brain functioning.
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Lastly, Kary and Eduardo go out to dinner and oh boy is this a marriage that is one step away from a vow renewal followed by a divorce. All Kary wants to talk about is her pretend jewelry line and act like it’s a legit business, but Eduardo is like ‘I am not here to be your free ad campaign for a fake company…’ so he keeps interrupting to discuss things that actually exist. Like his mother, who happens to presently be hiking across Spain. Kary does not care at all, and tells Eduardo as much, but I actually really wanted to hear more about the mother’s trip. So thanks Kary for ruining everything: My voyeuristic dinner, Eduardo’s actual dinner, and probably your mother-in-law’s opinion of you!
Kary and Eduardo bicker over feeling unheard and disconnected from their marriage and he is clearly annoyed that she up and decided to go to the Real Housewives of Dallas cast trip without discussing it with him first. I mean, we know she probably planned this months ago, but we’re pretending the phone call invite from Stephanie happened as they were standing on the steps of the restaurant. Where Kary said “YES” immediately without even acknowledging that Eduardo exists. When he presses her on all the girls’ trips she’s taking lately, she smirks that she can’t live without them because they are “like therapy” to her. With all LeeAnne’s meltdowns and suicide threats and histrionics over her childhood, she is not wrong. They are exactly like group therapy. Especially since Stephanie used to be a counselor.
Eduardo does not look convinced. Kary feels trapped in her marriage, with Eduardo holding all the purse strings, but he sure lets them out when she decides she wants to do last-minute international travel! I wonder how far her jewelry line would get her?
TELL US – DO YOU THINK KARY AND EDUARDO WILL SPLIT? IS LEEANNE TOO HARD ON HER MOTHER? ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS CAST TRIP IN THAILAND? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS STARS’ COMMENTS ON LEEANNE’S WEDDING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]