Whew – what an emotional episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas. These ladies go there like no other franchise except for New York. They are raw, open, and funny at the same time.
So, it’s the last day in Mexico and apparently if you’re from Dallas the word Mexico means “drama”.
After a particularly heinous night fighting over who is the trash and who needs to take it out, LeeAnne Locken wakes up as a girl does: fighting with a native bird and peeing herself, which is the new coffee. Then she has a heart-to-heart with Kameron Westcott about the fight with Brandi Redmond.
There are moments when I love LeeAnne. The bird. The peeing herself. Then there’s the rest of the time when I feel like the bird trying to crash into a wall to avoid listening to Carny Anthology (Vol. 497).
Kameron believes she was just having a mature discussion about why friends should be honest with other friends when Brandi tried to stab her eye out. Except Kameron isn’t honest with friends, and is about as deep as a L.O.L. Surprise. (And about as mature as the little doll inside). Don’t get me wrong – I love Kam, and she brings a plasticine breeziness to this show that is usually refreshingly ridiculous, especially in contrast to LeeAnne and D’Andra Simmons‘ rather noxious off-gassing in the relationship department, but she was wrong to call anyone “trash.” She’s also wrong to be annoyed with Stephanie Hollman for not wanting to hang out with someone who calls their friends trash.
LeeAnne can relate to Brandi’s reaction and lays it out for Kameron why “trash” is a trigger word that found its roots in a childhood on wheels. “She has a problem feeling good enough,” LeeAnne explains. I hope this was a passage on LeeAnne’s inspirational blog, because she shines in this mode. Of course Kam is like L.O.L. if you don’t want to be called trash, girl, don’t act like it!
Kam also thinks Stephanie ditched her in the middle of the night, but Stephanie was actually just so upset she woke up early to pour her heart out to Kary Brittingham. Those two got close quick, huh. Stephanie grew up poor and feels that on some level Kameron is also calling her trash. Not quite… Brandi’s behavior is the thing that Kameron is fixating on, not her upbringing. A tearful Brandi complains, “She can see my faults through and through, but she won’t see other people’s. Double standards.” Maybe Kam just has a bias against cheerleaders?
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Not being able to drink the water, and having tequila on tap instead, has given D’Andra the worst hangover of her life. Her hangovers weren’t even this nuclear when she was working for the Bush Administration! My dad knew D’Andra back then, and let’s hope she wasn’t drunk at any atomic energy meetings.
The ladies spend their last day at the beach and a sweat lodge called a temazcal. Which is basically a tiny clay oven like womb where they will be “reborn” after sweating out their toxic feelings towards each other. D’Andra, Kary, and Stephanie go first. Instead of amniotic fluid though they just wrap their unfebrile thighs with mud, which adheres to all the tequila oozing from their pores. That’s gotta be exfoliating at least!
D’Andra could bottle it as part of the Hard Night Good Morning. Seriously – why don’t they sell hangover patches? She is not a very good model for her own brand and D’Andra to Donuts this is probably another reason why Mama Dee didn’t want to turn over operations!
The temazcal begins with identifying a goal and Stephanie immediately starts to cry. She feels ashamed to be back on antidepressants and wants to reclaim her life. Stephanie’s earnestly makes my heart break. Kary hopes to connect better with her kids since her divorce made her miss out on 50% of their childhood.
Meanwhile D’Andra is just trying not to puke up yesterday’s booze, but afterwards feels high, aka ready to get drunk again.
Back on the beach Brandi and Kameron decide to talk. Alone. Meaning LeeAnne had to stay on her own beach blanket. And she is piiiiiised! I don’t know how Kam and Brandi’s argument became all about LeeAnne and LeeAnne’s feelings, but that’s the way of the Locken, I guess!
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Kameron feels icky and feeling icky makes her cry. The corners of her eyes barely turned pink before LeeAnne was stalking over accusing Brandi of making Kameron leak. Which is not at all what was happening. Instead Kam and Brandi were having that mature conversation Kameron was searching for.
LeeAnne, who had no business intervening, starts arguing that since she had to talk to Kary in front of everyone private conversations aren’t allowed. However that was drunk D’Andra’s doing, and has nothing to do with sober Kamdni. Brandi explains, calmly yet forcefully, that she and Kameron are having a positive conversation and they’d like to speak privately. So LeeAnne stomped back over to her beach chair; mumbling about how childish they’re being by not including her.
Brandi and Kameron each opened up about what triggered them, and sincerely apologized. Kameron feels glad to know a deeper side of Brandi, and Brandi appeared to understand that her finger-pointing nonsense was way out of line and completely inappropriate. This was a great talk: vulnerable and authentic. I appreciated the way it was handled between two adult women, who don’t want to behave icky. Or in Brandi’s case, she wants to behave less icky. Something LeeAnne should strive for as well!
The second Kameron and Brandi return LeeAnne storms off, snorting about people being f–king stupid. Kameron seems to think it’s no big deal, but Brandi knows better. This is classic LeeAnne letting her carny childhood demons (still not exorcised no matter how many meditations, sweat lodges, and years of therapy), taking hold of the tilt-a-whirl controls.
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The bottom line is, that as someone who believes she understands both sides and is friends’ with both ladies, LeeAnne wanted to be in control and play mediator between Kameron and Brandi. The fact that she wasn’t needed infuriated her because it means she’s not in charge, and LeeAnne will do whatever outlandish thing she can to regain that control. Or maybe she just doesn’t want Kam and Brandi to have a real friendship?
Kameron and Brandi skip off to the sweat lodge together, and leave LeeAnne by her lonesome. Kameron shrugs, “When one fire’s put out in this group, we have another.”
I am shocked – shocked, I tell you! – that Kameron touched Mexican mud which wasn’t made from purified water and Lysoled sand grains, but she is treating this as a trip to a historic spa. As if she’s in Downton Abbey. Her cover-up could pass! (I loved Kam’s beach look). Afterwards a bonded Kam and Brandi frolic into the ocean together, reborn as friends.
LeeAnne cried on the sand about how no one wants to be near her. I don’t know if it’s the heat, the hangover, the weave turning to parchment paper and straw on her head and melting to her scalp, but LeeAnne is WAY overreacting to Brandi and Kameron wanting to have a private conversation. And I don’t know why she keeps comparing it to her being forced to speak to Kary in front of the group – Brandi and Kameron weren’t a part of that!
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D’Andra just sighs and stares off into the waves, imagining them crashing onto Mama Dee‘s facelift and melting it. Stephanie and Kary try to help LeeAnne understand that she’s ostracizing herself by constantly focusing on the negative. They just want LeeAnne to have fun, but LeeAnne would rather wallow in being left in the fun house as a toddler.
Back at the house LeeAnne tries to take Kary’s advice by hopping into the communal shower and showing off her pubes. Since D’Andra and LeeAnne are competitive over everything, they even fight over who has the hairier bush, and Stephanie dubs them “The Pube Sisters.” Look at LeeAnne laughing and giggling, is it really that hard? Yes, it is…
Brandi and Kam are not going to let LeeAnne steal their joy though, and decide the best way to cement this friendship is with a prank. A Kam-approved, G-Rated prank of putting flour in a hair dryer. Kameron tells the chef, “We need um… tortilla,” before asking Siri to translate “flour.” While Brandi distracts everyone with shots, Kameron lays the trap and the entire thing blows up in Kary’s face. HILARIOUS.
Everyone leaves for dinner in a good mood, until Brandi mentions that she wished LeeAnne had joined them in the sweat lodge, which causes LeeAnne to erupt about how she was intentionally excluded and it’s not fair that she was told to stay out of Kam and Brandi’s convo. [SIGH] LeeAnne, repeat this mantra: Not everything is about you. Ommmmmmmm…
Also if LeeAnne would’ve been in the oven she would’ve just prayed to not kill people (BRANDI) to avoid a Mexican jail.
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Brandi cries all the way to the restaurant, then asks to talk to LeeAnne ALONE. See – LeeAnne you’re being included now! But I have to talk about this ordering. Kameron decides she wants spaghetti with con queso EVERYWHERE and I have never seen Kameron happier or more content than slurping that spaghetti, all Highland Park manners abandoned, Lady & The Tramp-style. Kary is right – Kameron is fun. Especially when she’s filled to the 6 foot brim with TOR-TILLLLLA chips.
Kameron appreciates Kary getting to know her. “Like, girl, I may be from the ritziest place in Dallas, but you didn’t judge me as elitist, uptight, and self-absorbed. You waited until you got to see that side of me. Don’t worry I can also sometimes be fun, girl!” Stephanie takes this as Kameron passive-aggressively calling her a bad friend.
Meanwhile LeeAnne and Brandi are off in the dunes having a conversation in ASMR whisper about who handles their childhood demons worse. Um, LeeAnne, obviously! LeeAnne is still mortally offended by Brandi wanting to talk to Kameron individually, and felt like Brandi was showing her the door to
Walmart White Trash land when she put a finger in Kam’s face. Um, whaaaaa?
Brandi doesn’t understand what this fight is even about, she’s just tired of LeeAnne turning every single incident into a tale of woe from childhood. LeeAnne demands to know if Brandi thinks she wants pity and sympathy, and good for Brandi for answering yes.
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LeeAnne DOES live in the past. She is buried in it. Time to crawl out of the coffin, sister, and stop being a zombie sucking on the flesh of childhood. She does try to make everyone pay for her perceived injustices. It’s draining and a constant game of skid row pingpong where if LeeAnne isn’t being catered to, everyone loses their quarters. Unless that flesh-eating bacteria ate LeeAnne’s amygdala she needs to internalize some of this!
Brandi insists that she hears LeeAnne, often and always, and so many times on repeat that she knows everything about her. “When’s my period then,” snaps LeeAnne (who has probably used that one too, but ZING!). It definitely took Brandi off the offense, so good move.
The hilarious thing is that LeeAnne claims Brandi always wants to win, but it’s LeeAnne who needs to be in control, manipulating emotions. LeeAnne is only trying to hear the echo chamber of her own delusions, and she’s making this into Brandi’s fault but LeeAnne started things by manufacturing a reason to be offended.
Thankfully Stephanie rescues them, and Brandi escapes for a good cry in the sand. Alone. OH NO! LeeAnne is left-out again!
Back at the table LeeAnne complains that everyone is celebrating D’Andra’s birthday when she’s the one having a monumental wedding, then compares Brandi to a dinosaur. “She wants to win because she’s a cheerleader and that’s her thing. I’m about surviving. At the end of the day one of us is gonna be eaten by a dinosaur and I guarantee that I’m not gonna be the bitch eaten by a dinosaur.”
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First of all LeeAnne, you live in the belly of a dinosaur. Second of all dinosaurs did not exist with people and are extinct. Long dead. Which is also where LeeAnne’s past should be. Yet she is fossilized. Seriously – why can’t LeeAnne just. have. fun.?!
LeeAnne is disappointed that her friendship with Brandi is only on surface level, and when they try to get ‘intimate’ (like anal beads and pubes, errrr – I mean bonding over feelings and childhood traumas) things fall apart.
Meanwhile Kameron is just eating. You know, I do love Kam. She lives in the present, the now – the time of spaghetti bolognese-ita or whatever the ‘potentially French’ Spanish equivalent is. Eating to drown out the nonsense is the only way to deal with LeeAnne.
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TELL US – WHO IS HEARING WHOM: BRANDI OR LEEANNE? IS KARY A GOOD ADDITION TO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS SEASON 4 SO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]