On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas, we celebrated LeeAnne Locken‘s wedding with the first of many nonsensical parties. This particularly onerous event was a mid-afternoon circus-themed lingerie shower that was thrown by Stephanie Hollman and former Housewife Cary Deuber. Basically, LeeAnne needed them to pay for it.
Clearly, LeeAnne believes she’s owed a free party because she’s done SO much to promote Mark Deuber‘s career! In fact, all of these numerous pre-wedding festivities are basically an opportunity for LeeAnne to exploit parties and presents from people. Stephanie even says as much when she and Cary list out all the gifts they’ll have to buy and reveal that LeeAnne actually planned her entire lingerie shower herself, but had the bills sent to them.
Before the big event, the women reacclimate to their Dallas lives after the trip to Mexico. Kary Brittingham gets coffee with her daughter and lectures her on the perils of marrying young and relying on rich men to fund your vanity jewelry making endeavors instead of having a real career. Kary’s daughter looks bored of this speech which she’s likely heard a million times, and is like, we get it mom – you regret having kids.
Since Hilton was 18 -months-old Kameron Westcott has been preparing to send her off to some Jr. League training facility deep in the heart of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading indoctrination center. Now Hilton is 8, and the time has finally arrived to ship her off with a customized trunk to find the long lost twin Kameron gave to her top-secret ex-husband who lives in California. I’m sure there will be singalongs and khaki-colored JoJo Siwa bows galore. Seriously, though, I F–KING loved sleep away camp, and yes, we southerners take it very seriously!
Hilton is Kam’s total opposite: a tomboy, daredevil who loves football, but Kam accepts Hilton for who she is which is fantastic. Unfortunately, Court and Hilton’s close bond seems to include mocking Kameron.
Being allowed to leave Kameron’s stifling pink womb, free of the oppressive blonde shroud is the greatest day of Hilton’s life. Kameron is nervous to let Hilton go, though, because who else will advise her on how to have friendships without drama? Hilton is experienced in these matters; given that she can relate to people on a deeper level besides the color pink and Chanel culottes.
Presently, Kameron needs advice on rational relationship boundaries. She is upset that Stephanie confided in Kary, even though they’ve only been friends like 2 days, yet not Kameron. Kameron doesn’t seem to understand that what Stephanie was talking about with Kary was, well, Kameron. The higher the heels the closer your head is to the clouds.
After canceling for hair emergencies, D’Andra Simmons finally meets with Travis Hollman for much-needed business advice. Travis and D’Andra bond over having parents who relish in their struggles. Travis advises D’Andra to immediately shed parts of the business that don’t make money. She’s already cut Mama Dee‘s dry-cleaning bills, so…
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Jeremy Lock and Travis both believe D’Andra needs to get rid of the office and work from home, let go of some employees, and most importantly: act like a boss by making tough decisions. Travis also thinks D’Andra doesn’t want to admit to herself that she’d rather sell the business. D’Andra will die her last breath trying to prove herself to Mama Dee, who will be scowling down from the heavens, with the same look on her face that’s in the creepy portrait hanging in D’Andra’s office.
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Later that night, Travis sits down – with his shoes on the bed – to discuss Stephanie’s issues with Kameron. In her so-called “friendship” with Kameron, Stephanie feels like she can’t say anything right. That’s because Kameron speaks My Little Pony and Stephanie speaks Vulcan – well it might as well be Vulcan if you’re a Real Housewife. For Travis, the matter is simple: accept that Kam is an elitist snob who feels she’s above everyone else, and don’t try to develop a sincere friendship. That doesn’t sit right with Stephanie. “How do you put boundaries up with somebody without making them feel bad about themselves?” she wonders.
It’s nice to see Travis and Stephanie’s relationship has evolved from him being her dad to him being her counselor who’s also a friend – basically her Golden Girl. He definitely has a bigger vagina than LeeAnne or Brandi Redmond!
Stephanie resolves to talk to Kam at LeeAnne’s party. Good luck with that!
Then it’s time for LeeAnne’s bizarro-world shower where she is dressed, aptly, like the Planter’s Peanut Nut, complete with a top hat. Was 1 PM (on a Wednesday!) the only time LeeAnne could get the space for free? Well, it’s 5 PM somewhere. Honestly, there is no bigger illustration that LeeAnne is shameless than the grifting of this wedding. LeeAnne insists she’s being sensible with the amount of events, considering that most Texas weddings involve 10 – 12 parties. She’d have 12 parties if she could get 12 people to pay for them!
Going along with the illusion that her friends threw this bash for her, LeeAnne spends the entire day being fake surprised by everything.
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D’Andra wasn’t invited because LeeAnne still doesn’t trust her on that level. Aka, D’Andra is presently too poor to throw LeeAnne any parties. You. So. Know. It, because Kary is invited even though she and LeeAnne squared off n Mexico, and Brandi is also there.
For Kameron, a lingerie party means something a granny would wear on her deathbed. For Brandi, it means Fredrick’s of Hollywood end of the year clearance event. Basically, they both dressed perfectly for themselves! To her face, Kameron squeals at how Brandi is her fellow sister in pink and gushes over her daring outfit.
But behind Brandi’s back, Kameron provides us a breakdown of hoe-ism:
- “If your breast implants are above the muscle and they’re smooshing out above your top…” Single hoe. As in you might get chased out of a church, but you’re not going to hell yet .
- If your cleavage is showing and your legs are also exposed: hoe HOE. Hoe to the double no. Girlfriend, take that pitchfork and fend your way to hell. Also, you’ll never marry a man with a political dynasty last name so you might as well lie down in front of the Dallas Trolley and die. You know Kam’s is secretly pissed that Brandi’s hoe-ism is the color pink!
Basically, Kam has elevated from calling Brandi trash to referring to her as a hoe, but she just means Brandi’s outfit is hoe-no, not Brandi. Just like Kam meant Brandi acts like trash, not that Brandi is trash! Kameron even advised Kary on what lingerie-esque looks were anti-hoe appropriate. Aaaahhh… Kameron can even slut-shame clothing. Her consistency is refreshing.
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For the record, LeeAnne also looks like a hoe, but Kam has those Double-D standards, and just as long as they’re not hanging out entirely, it’s A-OK.
Brandi knows she looks ridiculous in her Halloween prostitute costume and this is why I can’t totally hate Brandi. Despite her multiple hoe violations, Brandi attempts to be classy by apologizing to LeeAnne for their misunderstanding in Mexico.
Thus begins LeeAnne pontificating about how double-wide trailers leave lasting scars. Brandi joked that she only had a single-wide, but LeeAnne cannot let anyone – AN-NEE-ONE – have a more dire situation than her! Um, has growing up in a trailer park replaced being a carny? Also – I’m confused: if LeeAnne’s mother abandoned her, how was she also fending off would-be rapey mother’s boyfriends with cow skulls in said double-wide. I need a flowchart to track LeeAnne’s dramas. Can Lifetime just call this woman already and make a movie about her
lies life so she shuts up?
Instead of slutting it up at 2 in the afternoon, D’Andra is at work revealing numbers, not nakedness. And Jeremy is helping her because free labor is the only labor Hard Night can afford right now. It will literally take a green miracle to get out of this mess!
Jeremy completely agrees that it’s time to dramatically reduce costs, or dump the business altogether, but D’Andra isn’t willing to abandon ship yet. Not because she loves the company; not because she owes it to Mama Dee to save the family legacy, but because at 50 she can’t believe she is starting her life over and if she gives up without a fight she’s letting Mama Dee win.
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Finally, D’Andra gets real about the root of her anger: Mama Dee talked D’Andra out of her career in DC by begging her to come home and take over the business; only to hoard it from her until it was on its last legs. And now at 50, D’Andra is forced to start her life over. “I trusted my mother and then she lied to me,” rails D’Andra. D’Andra thinks Dee should feel an “incredible amount of guilt” — yeah, I think the empathy section of her brain was sacrificed to make room for excess skin post-facelift.
Jeremy takes D’Andra’s hand and promises they will build something new together. Ain’t that romantical like a box of 50 donuts and a diamond ain’t in one. And with that, Hard Night Good Morning is moving to Highland Park (and living in D’Andra’s laundry room).
Now back to LeeAnne’s circus of delusion, it’s time for games, gifts, and arguments.
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Cary called Rich to ask questions about LeeAnne and she has to say what she believes his answer will be. They are quite in sync until the “weirdest place you’ve ever had sex” question. LeeAnne begins a convoluted story about how Rich drilled a hole in their neighbor’s fence then stuck his pecker through it. Who in the hell has a Tim the Toolman Taylor and Wilson fantasy? The Housewives’ reactions are priceless. Stephanie is confused about why they didn’t just go for chainlink to avoid splinters. Kameron is surprised LeeAnne had “a wilderness side to her.” And Brandi is ready with the Woody Woodpecker revamp. After all that, it turns out Rich’s answer was a friend’s house in their bathroom during a party.
The presents are what you’d expect: lingerie, sex toys, handcuffs, under-roos with Rich’s face on them, eyepatch and all. (Those came from Stephanie; the handcuffs from Brandi, of course!).
Kameron does not do kinky sex. Like if she brought home handcuffs, Court would probably assume she wanted to lock him up to go steal his credit cards. Kam – – you are a girl after my own heart!
As the party is winding down, Stephanie asks to speak with Kameron. Stephanie feels misunderstood and hurt that Kameron doesn’t consider her a friend, and Kameron feels disappointed that Stephanie is comfortable confiding in Kary – someone she’s known 2 days – over a friend of a couple years.
I don’t really care what happened in this discussion except for the revelation that Kameron has now traded in “girl” for “chick” – it’s like she’s escalated in the infantilizing of women. I almost want to believe this is the 5th wave of feminism dubbed ‘reverse progress,’ or Kamerica!
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These two go round in circles like a tilt-a-whirl with Stephanie feeling that Kameron made Stephanie’s Mexican break down all about herself. Kameron feels that even though she said Stephanie was a bad friend, Stephanie should understand it was just in that moment, and that overall she will be there to listen non-judgmentally. Yeah, right. Kam only listens to LeeAnne because she’s afraid of her.
Finally, we get to the gooey center of all of this: the Trash comment. Trash is also a trigger word for Stephanie, but instead of Kameron hearing this, she freaks out that she already apologized to Brandi. While Stephanie feels Kam judges from the pedestal of her own imposing height (then adds heels), Kameron is frustrated that when Brandi was in her face screaming the F-word their so-called friend Stephanie didn’t tell Brandi to knock it off. “She wants to be a victim when she wasn’t even in Brandi and I’s conversation,” protests Kam. I do think she makes some good points!
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Kameron storms away because she’s being attacked “again,” and Stephanie bursts into tears. The problem is Stephanie wants to feel understood, but Kameron wants to be exonerated. Stephanie explains, “I want to be friends with her, but I also don’t want to be her bitch.”
Now Stephanie is worried that because of Kam’s tantrum, LeeAnne will blame her for causing problems. Oh, don’t worry – LeeAnne will never ostracize Steph: she’s rich!
TELL US – DID KAMERON OVERREACT TO STEPHANIE? WAS LEEANNE’S PARTY RIDICULOUS OR FUN? SHOULD D’ANDRA TRY TO SAVE HER COMPANY? WAS IT NICE TO HAVE CARY BACK ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]