If you crammed any more drama, hijinks, meltdowns, and hysterias (and medical issues!) into this episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County I think it would explode a la Kelly Dodd after 2 cocktails and exposure to a snarky meme. Things would just come flying out, every which way, and the only thing that would be left standing amid the rubble would be Tamra Judge and the two giant inflatable jugs she has strapped to her chest as a bullet-proof vest/getaway life raft.
I literally can’t even begin to dissect all the switching animosities and loyalties, but all I have to say is Tamra is masterful at manipulating these women in a tizzy of stupidity. And Kyle Richards thinks Lisa Vanderpump plays chess…
The episode opens with Tamra and Shannon Beador fighting with Kelly at the pool. More specifically, Kelly is shrieking at Tamra, and Tamra is shrieking lies in response, in between bouts of storming away. As a mother of 7 (plus Dr. Deb) Brauwnyn Windham-Burke is used to breaking up squabbles between children. So, she finds herself in the middle and instructs Kelly to give Tamra a chance to at least explain herself.
As Shannon watches on, speechless, Tamra boldface lies AGAIN and fake cries that she was defending Kelly every single time she spread a rumor or perpetuated gossip. Then Tamra blames Shannon and Vicki Gunvalson for twisting her words and repeating stories with malicious intent. Kelly apologizes for involving Jim Bellino, gives Tamra a hug, and admits she was wrong to unload on her.
However, privately, Kelly still isn’t sure what to think. Does she trust Tamra? Not entirely. Does she want to have at least five minutes of fun on this vacation? Yes. Sadly, the peace, love, and Bellinis over Bellinos party is interrupted by Vicki, hungover and rasping about when they’re going to Key West.
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Shannon is stunned, and instead of defending herself she just gapes from a distance at Tamra lying to Kelly. Then, she complains to Vicki that she’ll never trust Kelly again. A likely story… So Kelly and Tamra went from wanting to wrestle in the pool Krystle and Alexis from Dynasty-style, to copacetic pals in one minute? Tamra is just glad she’s off hook for lying, once again. Kelly just seems tired of everyone getting in her face. The only thing Kelly wants in her mouth is a mojito and a man!
Then it’s off to Key West with the Tres Amigas miraculously put back together again and all wearing matching scarves and sunglasses for the convertible ride, a la Thelma and Louise. Meanwhile, in the other car, Emily Simpson winds up driving a crate full of feral cats and has to pull over so Kelly can puke over the side of an Aston Martin on a busy highway. Somehow, they arrive in one piece. But in the other car, damage was done! Vicki has been in communication with the woman who Kelly allegedly got in a bar fight with and that woman DM’d Vicki pictures of her injured hand.
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Because Vicki loves being included in anything – even, probably, all you can eat buffets at Golden Corral – she is all too glad to chat with this woman, prodded by Tamra and Shannon. Vicki is also all too stupid if she thinks she can trust Tamra not to repeat this information because literally as soon as Vicki (and Kelly’s) backs are turned Tamra reports to Emily and Gina Kirschenheiter about what Vicki is doing. Tamra makes no mention of her own role, which is instigating. And once again, here is Tamra stirring up trouble!
The plan for Key West is to meet at a drag show. The Tres Amigas are quarantined with their Depends and their defibrillators in their own villa. All of the women who don’t have an AARP discount card are in another villa. Does AARP provide deals on tequila shots? Emily and Gina are now BFF again and decide to room together. While getting ready, they discuss Vicki communicating with Kelly’s alleged assault victim. They decide it is so not right and they’re gonna confront Vicki and also let Kelly know what’s been going on.
Actually, it’s Gina doing all this. Emily seems way more concerned about righting her wonky eyelash. What is Gina’s orange skin in this game? She and Kelly aren’t friends and the night before Kelly was raging on her bad dye job. Gina wants camera time, plain and simple.
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Especially since Kelly is still taking the stance that she can be cool and cordial to Vicki, while keeping her at arm’s length and not having drama. Well Kelly’s maturity was short-lived.
The Tres Amigas spent too much time putting on their nylons and girdles to ride over with the rest of the group. Instead, they have to meet them at the drag show. Vicki doesn’t get “the drags” and all their she-he/he-shes or whatever you call these non-gendered sequined covered beings. She seriously had no idea.
But everyone is getting along miraculously and having fun until they hit the bar afterwards. That’s when Gina decides now is the time to confront Vicki. Vicki, predictably, has no remorse. And worse she doesn’t even think she did anything wrong by ‘responding to a DM’ from a fellow Vicktim of Kelly.
Even when Tamra piles on, Vicki is adamant that she’s not trying to hurt Kelly. Emily gets so mad at Vicki’s refusal to admit she’s in the wrong that she threatens to tell Kelly. Unfortunately, Shannon beats her to the punch line and predictably Kelly loses it. She accuses Vicki of being a con woman and liar, and brings up how Vicki is being sued over an insurance claim by some elderly woman, and Vicki retaliates by calling Kelly a slut. Cause age is but a number, and maturity is but a theory!
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Fearing a worse rebuttal from Kelly after trying to provoke Kelly into slapping her arm (literally), Vicki flees with Tamra and Shannon. On a street corner, she shrieks about how she did not con anyone. If you shriek like that Brooks descends down from Hallmark Mountain, his face with his shiny white plastic teeth an apparition in the palm trees, brandishing Forrest Gump sentiments about angels in the outfield who come if you build them bras with wings. Satan is confusing!
May I just say Tamra was loving all this, because once again she got off scot-free! Also this all seemed so contrived. As if someone was plotting to have Vicki get in the mix. As if the producers were the ones prodding Gina.
And, of course, the day after such an explosive fight they all have to spend the day on a floating tiki island, drinking. Vicki wonders if she should apologize (again) to Kelly. Tamra thinks the best thing to do is just leave it alone and see what happens. That is because Tamra is afraid that once again the women will realize that all roads to betrayal lead back to CUT A Bitch Fitness.
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To ensure things go her way Tamra decides to ride on a raft with Kelly and Braunwyn, leaving Shannon and Vicki with Gina and Emily. Vicki talks about being engaged, while Kelly and Tamra talk about Vicki. When the two groups meet up to get in the water – Vicki pees, of course! (does she travel with puppy pads to sit on at this point?) and Braunwyn hops in only to be stung by some sponge that gives chemical burns. Basically, the marine equivalent of a friendship with Tamra. Who benevolently offers to pee on her make-out partner in distress.
Still, all is going well until Tamra whispers to Vicki that she told Kelly Vicki wants to apologize. Kelly knows they’re talking about her and loses it. She screams that Michael Dodd just texted that he has a lot of dirt on Vicki and predicts her engagement will last the average lifecycle of a tequila worm. Vicki screams back that Kelly is a terrible person for not celebrating her happiness, so then Kelly calls her a “pig.”
Emily, stoic, normal, adorable Emily, just puts her head in her hands and groans. Like she said, Vicki’s personality is bad enough so no need to go lower by insulting her looks. All this happened on a floating tiki hut I might add, and by the time they made it back to the dock Vicki was wailing about ambulances needing to take Kelly away. Little did Vicki know she was predicting her own destiny!
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Back at hotel, all the women realize Vicki and Kelly cannot be in the same room together. Not even for a civilized dinner. Gina decides she will babysit the Tres Amigas. While Kelly, Emily and Braunwyn go have a nice mature, dinner where they load up cheese fries and unload about their feelings, the Tres Amigas do what they do. It starts with tequila and ends with medical attention and bare boobs.
Kelly cries that, once again, she took the bait and embarrassed herself by issuing a low-blow to Vicki. Emily and Braunwyn are supportive and thoughtful. Later they all go back to their room for PJs and a movie. How… geriatric!
Meanwhile, over a dinner consisting of six bites of food and 16 cocktails, Tamra maliciously encourages Gina to give Matt Kirschenheiter another chance, forcing Shannon to talk about THE AFFAIR while she’s sitting in Ground Zero for the emotional abuse and manipulation that held her hostage to Dr. Moon and enemas for years. Aka where David started gettin’ the nookie from another USC lady.
Gina is convinced that if she takes Matt back he’ll never cheat again. Shannon argues that even if he doesn’t physically cheat, David scarred her more by emotionally checking out and Gina will never truly be able to trust Matt’s intentions again. This is all good advice. Then, Vicki chimes in that people check out of an unhappy home and mentions how she had an emotional affair with Brooks because she was so tired of Donn being a nice and decent husband. You know, it’s rational! Shannon is appalled that anyone dare suggest David was unhappy with a balanced diet of quinoa and pulverized crystals.
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Then, Tamra pipes up that she knew her marriage was over when they started fighting in front of the kids, which prompts Shannon to get emotional over how she scarred her children over the drama with David and now Sophie is writing a sequel to Mommie Dearest starring Shannon beating David with a spare rib and demanding to know how BONES got in her compost bin, destroying her organic compounds with their toxins. I will read that and re-read that til my dying day.
Anyway, after that Gina realizes she shouldn’t get back together with Matt. So something good came of the Tres Dysfunctionigas for once. Then it’s time to hit the bars and Whoop It Up! Whoop it up until somebody’s old lady boobs come out and another one slips because she doesn’t have her ergonomic sandals on and was running near the pool, twists her ankle and requires an ambulance, of course. Does 911 have the Tres Amigas numbers on speed-dial because one of them is always requiring some sort of medical attention!
Ahhh.. when Whoop it up turns to Whoops it’s down, you know things just got real.
TELL US – WAS VICKI TRYING TO HURT KELLY BY CONTACTING BROKEN HAND GIRL? DID KELLY OVERREACT? IS TAMRA TO BLAME FOR ALL OF IT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]