Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Mi Amigas In Miami

You guys I’m sorry – I am having Thanksgiving fever and 15 houseguests, and I just cannot get it together with the Real Housewives Of Orange County nonsense today.

Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd are like your mother and your mother-in-law at the same holiday dinner. They’re not gonna speak or look at each other. But, they are going to viciously jab from all corners until it all comes bubbling to the surface over the way to make gravy or something.

Braunwyn Windham-Burke invited all the women to Miami so they can understand her better. Apparently, we’re now defining our personalities by cities, so Braunwyn is a Miami person. In Miami, she liked having sex with her husband, clubbed constantly, and wore skanky clothes to the grocery store. Whereas in Orange County, Braunwyn has to hide her wild side? I don’t get it… How was Braunwyn doing all this partying in between 52 pregnancies, nursing 19 babies, and also well, ostensibly, parenting? We don’t ever get a clear answer about why they left Miami, just like we don’t get a clear answer about why this is the sad-sack trip RHOC got this season. I blame Tamra because I blame her for everything.

Kelly Dodd

Kelly doesn’t want to go because the Three Amoebas (actually the Three Phonymebas) are trying to bait her into an argument at every turn. She’s tried of being both a target and a scapegoat. Kelly reminds all of us of that one time Tamra lectured Vicki Gunvalson that repeating a rumor was just as bad as starting one. But, now, she’s guilty of the same exact thing with Kelly. Tamra a hypocrite? No…  Braunwyn promises to protect Kelly – – is she going to hide her under her mini caftan? — and decides that because Tamra and Kelly love each other they fight hard. There’s a thin (re: invisible) line between love and hate, though!

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Brauwnyn and Sean head to Florida a day early to attend to some business. They also spend a long time discussing her Miami wardrobe vs. her OC wardrobe. It is not that complicated, people. But, it means the other ladies are left to their own devices in terms of getting out of California without a chaperone.

Gina Kirschenheiter

Tamra goes shopping with Gina Kirschenheiter, who is all smiles after spending a week with Matt back at home, sucking-up to her. Gina truly believes he’s changed. They even spent a night in a hotel doing all manner of things usually reserved for a casita. She’s ready to take him back.

Tamra, on the other hand, has decided on a masterful plan to suddenly turn all the drama around on Kelly, thus exonerating herself from starting it by talking shit about her friends. Tamra now accuses Kelly of inserting herself into the lawsuit between Tamra and Jim Bellino. This is all because Kelly tweeted him, and now Tamra is legally banned from speaking to her.

RELATED – Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Denies Pushing Her Mother Down The Stairs; Says She Pushed Her Out The Door

Tamra Judge

OK, I do not believe that for 5 seconds. Kelly didn’t get deposed. She didn’t turn over damning evidence (actually I hope she did). She tweeted @Jim and there’s absolutely no evidence he even got said tweet. At least no evidence that’s being presented to us. Ergo Tamra is full of shit. Also, Tamra allegedly DID slander Jim, just like she did start (and spread) the train rumor. Tamra was not DEFENDING KELLY when she repeatedly ‘repeated’ that Kelly threw her mother down the stairs, and she also initiated the story that Kelly got in a bar fight and broke some woman’s hand.

We never get to hear Emily Simpson‘s perspective on this legal imbroglio. She’s too busy scoffing at Gina and Matt’s faux-divorce. Which is that these two should proceed with the divorce and stop the nonsense. Those that can’t do, legally advise…

RELATED – Emily Simpson Responds To Fan Comments Comparing Shane Simpson To Real Housewives Of Orange County Alum Jim Bellino

Shannon Beador

Speaking of divorce, Shannon Beador and David finally reached a settlement that was amicable to both. It’s better than nothing. Less than Shannon was hoping for, but they managed to avoid trial and as a bonus Shannon got the one thing she really, really, really wanted: getting back together with David a nice email from David saying he was proud of her and wants her to live her best life. Now you know David only sent that email so Shannon would sign a reduced settlement amount…

Vicki Gunvalson gets Engaged

Vicki has all the girls except Braunwyn (who’s that!?) and Kelly over for surprise news. Gina wonders if it’s a summit about insurance for bad boyfriends and ex-husbands — which she really needs. Instead, Vicki keeps saying she’s hot and flapping her hands in front of her face. But, everyone knows she’s menopausal, so no one notices until she practically smacks Gina with her ENORMOUS ENGAGEMENT RING. So congrats Vicki and Steve.

The next day Briana Culberson is in town so Tamra bikes over to have dinner with them. Tamra says Briana is “like a daughter to her,” meaning Briana is a replacement for Sidney?

Briana Culberson

Briana doesn’t deserve both Vicki and Tamra. Briana doesn’t deserve just Vicki! As it turns out Briana has ZERO regrets about moving far, far away from her overbearing mother. Briana is also greatly relieved that Steve has taken Vicki off her hands and turned her into a mature-ish adult for the first time, well, ever. You know, Vicki seems happy and we don’t have to hear about Love Tanks on E or affirmations, so I, like Briana, will take Steve any day!

RELATED – Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Claims Vicki Gunvalson Bought Her Own Engagement Ring

Finally, all the ladies travel to Miami. I don’t know if Kelly took a separate flight or just ignored them the entire plane ride, but we didn’t hear a peep from her. Braunwyn and Sean pick the women up at the airport in matching Maserati convertibles.

Gina Kirschenheiter in Miami

Gina complains that Braunwyn is “bougie,” before accepting the fabulous boutique hotel room Braunwyn reserved for her. Braunwyn wants everyone to put their hands up like riding in a convertible is akin to being on a roller coaster when you’re 14, and also like these women live in Fargo, ND where it’s winter 11 months of the year, instead of Orange County where every 2nd person has a convertible. No one complies except Gina, who desperately wants to be Braunwyn and bougie.

After considering Braunwyn a non-human, Vicki changes her mind. She is greeted with flowers, chocolate, and champagne as a congratulations on her engagement. Vicki opens the bottle and the cork flies off, almost smacking her in the face which is a euphemism for Vicki’s entire clueless life. We all know that presents are the way to Vicki’s love tank (aka why she was dating Brooks). She decides to accept Braunwyn’s bribe in exchange for friendship.

Then they head to some sort of glamorous club/strip club. I couldn’t tell what was going on there, but Shannon had on a high clip-in pony with a shorts suit and Tamra wore a day-glo pink tube dress that looked like a condom from the 1980’s in an MTV spring break ad. It was so short that when she drunkenly started bumping and grinding Vicki and Shannon had to literally hold the dress shut like a giant snatch clamp. Tamra is so competitive with Braunwyn and always trying to keep up with the Burkes.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Braunwyn Windham-Burke Admits To Cheating On her Husband; Says It Was “The Best Thing That Ever Happened”

Meanwhile, Braunwyn stole all her dance moves from Camille Grammer. At the club, Kelly speaks to basically no one and spends most of the evening sulking. She finally asks Shannon why she’s mad, and Shannon wisely doesn’t answer by pretending she can’t hear over the music. Apparently, Shannon shares a lawyer with Tamra and is also not supposed to speak to Kelly — even though Jim’s case against Shannon was dismissed.

Kelly lets it go … temporarily, but like clip-in ponytails all good deeds have a time and place.

On the bus back to the hotel, Kelly informs Gina that her hair is fried and looks like shit. Gina is in a good mood and handles this affably (which impressed me). Basically, Kelly is itching for a fight to get some answers about why she’s the pariah on what is supposed to be a vacation with her friends. Since Shannon is ignoring her, Kelly decides to do something to get her attention. The best way to get Shannon to react is to comment on her appearance. Kelly tells her the clip-in pony is horrible and that Shannon is way too old for it.

Shannon also claims Kelly tugged the ends of her weave. So she had to go to an emergency all-night hairdresser for a healing deep scalp massage using crystals, MRI pulsations, organic lavender conditioner, and several scans to make sure her follicles were not permanently corrupted. Even though Shannon was given the all-clear she’s still not convinced, because her eye is blurry — which is because her false eyelash glue is peeling off.

RELATED – Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Responds To Criticism For Saying Shannon Beador (& 50-Year-Old Women In General) Shouldn’t Have Long Hair

The next day no one is sure what to do about the simmering drama between Kelly and everyone. Brauwnyn tries to act like everything is gonna be fine while playing mediator between Shannon and Kelly. I actually think Shannon looks adorable this trip and I loved the pink dress she wore to the pool.

Kelly brings her laptop and sits by the pool bar, “working.” Meanwhile,  Brauwnyn goes back and forth between everyone and Kelly. That is until Kelly calls Shannon over.

Kelly Dodd in Miami

I don’t know why Shannon went – she was probably expecting an apology. I’m actually shocked Tamra allowed her, but maybe it was part of the plan to demonstrate how Kelly starts all the fights because Tamra was walking WITH Shannon at the time.

Kelly had no idea Shannon was upset about the Jim thing. She disagrees when Shannon says Kelly “immersed” herself in it by sending a tweet. She feels she was “backed against the wall,” because all the women were gossiping relentlessly about her life (they were) and spreading false rumors (also true), so she had to do something to shut them down. Kelly totally overreacted and when provoked Kelly goes way too low.

RELATED – Real Housewives Of Orange County Stars Tamra Judge & Vicki Gunvalson Continue To Bash “Liar” Kelly Dodd

Tamra Judge Shannon Beador

Tamra quickly got over her ‘legally bound to ignore Kelly stance.’ She came over to yell about how she’s the victim here. Kelly reminds Tamra that she started the drama by talking about Kelly (and Shannon), and spreading and repeating rumors. Kelly snaps, “people who lie get sued!” I’m not sure if this was a warning, a threat, or a defense of Jim Bellino suing Tamra, but whatever the case it had an affect and Tamra stomped away. Cause you know liars always run for cover!

Tamra is such a f–king liar. The fact that Shannon continuously covers for her, knowing that Tamra talks shit about her constantly, is just so pathetic. So glad that this season the editors are finally whipping out allllllllll the receipts! I mean I guess with Vicki off the show it’s Tamra who is finally getting her due!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]