Last nightās Real Housewives Of Dallas was all about family dramas. Isnāt it always? I mean, about the only thing that happens on this show anymore is LeeAnne Locken complaining about her mother. DāAndra Simmons complaining about her mother. And Brandi Redmond complaining about being a mother. Oh, ha ā something different did happen last night: LeeAnne almost got married.
Itās one week before LeeAnneās big day and she finally unveils the free wedding dress she conned out of a couture designer. Kameron Westcott and Stephanie Hollman attend the final fitting, becuase why NOT have another momentous event/part to celebrate LeeAnneās slow crawl to Mrs?
The dress designer was inspired to capture LeeAnneāsĀ inner child, which is probably why this gown looks like someone stapled cheerleading skirts to a Mother Of The Bride Dress! Or why it appears that LeeAnne is birthing a giant slab of tulle as if an alien insurrection is happening near her vagina. Honestly we see enough of LeeAnneās inner child. Like Stephanie said, itās the predominant part of her personality, and that inner (and outer) child need a muther fāking TIME. OUT.
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During the fitting Kameron intentionally gushes about the amaaaaazing shower she threw which Stephanie skipped just to hurt Kameronās feelings. Like girl, it had a string quartet of three musicians even! Stepanie does not take the bait and refuses to succumb to Kameronās provoking. Unlike LeeAnneās inner child, Stephanieās is 48 and possesses maturity (instead of being possessed!).
Meanwhile, across town, the have-nots ā as in the have-not legitimately been inviteāeds ā meet for lunch. That would be DāAndra, Brandi, and Kary Brittingham. Brandi has plans to go to the NFL Draft picks the weekend of LeeAnneās wedding. Given that she was invited via tacky text 10 days before the event, sheās not inspired to alter plans to attend.Ā Plano must be so backwoods that mail delivery hasnāt come there yet, and Brandi only got the text-vite when she ventured into the big city where theyāve got cell-u-laaaar service, yāall!
Kary is still up in the air. She feels damned if she does, damned if she doesnāt, but ultimately decides if she wants to forge any kind of friendship with LeeAnne she should make an effort to attend the wedding. At least there will be an open bar!
DāAndra is still blissfully uninvited, and with all the Hard Nights and equally Bad Mornings sheās presently dealing with, doesnāt feel motivated to put forth the effort to crash the big day in an effort to prove her love to LeeAnne. Proving love never works ā see, DāAndra + Mama Dee.
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In an interesting twist Karyās cousin is Dallas bridal designerĀ Mackenzie Brittingham, who apparently didnāt want to give a LeeAnne a free dress, and that is probably why LeeAnne resents Kary. That and because instead of offering up her Mexican house to give LeeAnne a free wedding moon, Kary threw a 50th birthday party for DāAndra. Anyway! Karyās teenaged daughter is interning there because she dreams of being a designer and is starting with her own prom dress. Well, this is far more ambitious than theĀ āMommy and DaddyĀ bought me a dance wear collection I can pretend to design if I promise to act saneā nonsense on Real Housewives Of Orange County.Ā There was actual sewing taking place!
Maybe Kary can intern there next in the hopes of launching this soon-to-be-mega-successful jewelry collection thatās gonna definitely pay for uber expensive fashion camps and trips to New Zealand (things her kids want)!Ā Fun fact: Stephanie is wearing one of Mackenzie Brittinghamās designs in her intro! Other [un]fun fact: Kary gets no child support from her ex.
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Parenting is hard no matter what the age. Karyās daughter is a teenaged pill, but Brandiās daughter, Brooklyn, is a pre-teen pill. As the mother of a 9-year-old, I confess my secret shame that I relate to all of this far, far too well. The sass! The overly-assertive obnoxiousness. The newfound discovery of slamming doors and the power of āI hate you!ā I feel you, Brandi!
Brooklyn is scootering around with no helmet and riding in the road, when Brandi calmly and patiently gives her directives to do the opposite. Brooklyn calls her annoying, then argues when Brandi tells her to put away the scooter and go to her room. Of course Brooklyn slams the door and tells Brandi sheās a bad mother. Brandi feels trapped: does she come down hard on Brooklyn and potentially isolate her (no), or ride it out and accept that this is all a very long, arduous phase called ātweenā then gird her ears for a decade+ of Taylor Swift and BTS on full blast in response to all questions, suggestions, or directives (yes)?
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Brandiās biggest parenting quandary, though, has to do with Bruin. Bruinās birth mother is pregnant again(!!!) and is planning, once again, to give the baby up for adoption. This girl, whomever she is, needs to be introduced to the wonderful world of Planned Parenthood for an IUD, followed by a come to Jesus talk from, well, Jesus. Or LeeAnne, who seems to excel at those hollow judgey-but-Iām-pretending-I-releate sermons.
As the adoptive parents of Bruin, Brandi and Bryan are given first dibs, for lack of a better term, on any subsequent siblings. Brandiās heart is telling her āDO IT,ā but her head, thankfully, is telling her āpress pause.ā Brandi confuses to Stepanie that she just doesnāt know if she can handle a fourth child. Um, she canāt, but I admire her desire to help and her nonjudgemental compassion.
Also, Stephanie and Brandi launched a podcast called Weekly Dose of BS.
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Seven days before the wedding LeeAnne is crying because although she invited her mom, they arenāt talking to her until the actual day of the wedding. Basically anyone whoās not giving LeeAnne a free party is F-List. Iām sorry, but I am so over this āabandonmentā spiel. I know, I know itās a real part of LeeAnneās life, and thatās all understandable, but she is 50 and it has been the same story coming out of her mouth for 4 seasons now, and Iāve had it. MOVE. ON. Also Iām just gonna be honest I fast-forwarded through all of this to get to the REAL psycho mom: Mama Dee Simmons. I bow down to thee.
DāAndra and Jeremy are having dinner with Mama Dee, plus the rest of their very small family, for their annual meet-up. The plan, however, is not to smile and nod over the price of oil stocks while pretending not to notice the latest plastic surgery, but to confront Mama Dee, as a united front, about what the hell happened with Hard Night Good Morning.
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DāAndra and Mama Dee wearing the same earrings, except one is black one is white. Like evil vs. innocent. They basically need to each have one of each. We also meet Deeās younger brother, who looks like her but has a mobile face, and get a clip of Dee and DāAndra pedaling their wares on Christian television before the network probably got shut down for tax evasion or some shit, thus bankrupting Green Miracle.
Dee does not hear the words coming out DāAndra and Jeremyās mouths, however much sense they make, because she doesnāt want to! All she hears is DāAndra saying ārescue me mother, get out your checkbook, cause itās all your fault.ā
Dee is subsequently doubling-down on her no remorse claims, and vows never to put money into this company again because after bankrupting it, doesnāt have faith that it will rebound. So, Dee just let her DAUGHTER suffer the losses?! Harsh. DāAndra just wants some acknowledgment that she was conned, but sheās gonna be waiting til the wrinkles come out on Deeās plastic face for that. Instead, Dee continues to deny doing anything deliberate and shames DāAndra for not understanding what itās like to be a parent. Well, she has been friends with LeeAnne all these yearsā¦
DāAndra time to, well, move on! Either save your company or dump it, but youāre never gonna get honesty, consideration, or caring from Mama Dee.
Finally, it is LeeAnneās wedding day. There is a five-hour intermission between the ceremony and the reception which has everyone confused about what theyāre supposed to do in formal wear. Um, go home, put the sweats back on?
Kary gets her makeup done at Kameronās house and even Kamās makeup artist is like a twee little fairy. But the best twee little fairy is Court, who brings them a PLASTIC tray, like something stolen from a school cafeteria, laden with lunch treats that belong in that same cafeteria. White bread sandwiches, chips, and cups of milk. How does Kameronās house not literally repel plastic trays and paper plates? I would think there is an invisible barrier that blocks anything gauche? Maybe itās because being touched by Courtās hands puts his scent on the tray, and the house is forced to accede to its masterās demands?
Whatever the case, that is adorable, and even more adorable is Kameron busting out her book of āmommy pornā which features photos of Court wearing various suits while pretending to do household chores, like cleaning the toilet and vacuuming. Kam insists this is what she does all day and this is Court acknowledging all she does for their family.Ā Um, girl please, girl ā Kam does not clean a toilet or take out trash! She does probably stand there in a fancy suit and supervise the maid!
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Kary is beyond impressed and also jealous. She canāt even convince Eduardo to let her have a debit card or be on the deed to their house, yet Court is bringing Kameron sandwiches?! This lady is one Louboutin out the door and into the divorce attorneyās office, although you know they have an iron-clad prenup which is why Karyās on Real Housewives Of Dallas and talking about her mythical jewelry line every chance she gets!
Then Kam calls LeeAnne to check-in. We learn LeeAnne spent her pre-wedding night at the Round Up and now has puffy hands and a hoarse voice. Kameron is not impressed. She literally chokes on her white bread.
Moments before LeeAnne is to walk down the aisle, her cousin reveals that LeeAnneās mom isnāt there yet. This instantly triggers a lifetime of being left under the Tilt-A-Whirl while her mom ran the duck shoot. Five minutes before the ceremony no one has even heard from LeeAnneās mother, and LeeAnne is not inclined to wait ā as she should not! LeeAnneās mom is probably at the Round Up.
TELL US ā DO YOU THINK LEEANNEāS MOM WILL SKIP THE WEDDING? SHOULD BRANDI ADOPT AGAIN?Ā
[Photo Credits: Bravo]