Brittany Cartwright

I’m so tired of hearing about Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s pathetic relationship. I’m so tired of it that I’m actually in agreement with Tom Sandoval on the matter: Brittany stupidly chose to stay with Jax knowing he’s a low-down, dirty scoundrel, so leave her alone to stew in her own Kentucky fried juices.

I personally think Brittany loooooves laying on that accent, thick as a beer cheese dipped chicken wing, and playing damsel in distress. Not to the guys – Jax already rescued her from a Hooters farm in ‘tucky – but to the girls on Vanderpump Rules. They see it as their responsibility to rescue Brittany. Maybe because those that can’t do a decent relationship, try to micromanage other’s disaster relationships. Or maybe they know they’re all a lost cause but sweet, innocent Brittany of the slow blinking My Little Pony eyes and Dr. Pepper flavored Bonne Belle chapstick – they can save her from the Jaxing that destroyed Stassi Schroeder and so many before (and during and after) her! 

So Mexico started off swimmingly. After the Shemotional Terrorist Convention, all wearing white in a show of solidarity and virtue, stormed off they assemble the remainder of their coven – including Brittany – for a skinny dip in the ocean. Stassi decrees that she will NOT let Brittany leave them for Florida (and Jax) and that if they all touch nipples Jax will get hit in the crotch with a hockey puck. Stassi doesn’t like Scheana Marie, but she has to give her props for outwitting her in the dastardly department by setting Brittany up with sexy Adam in order to show her the truth is out there – and that truth is that there are also better men out there. Maybe Scheana should net set Stassi up, to free her from that manbun mess she calls Patrick? This could become a new element of Divorce Closet!

But seriously when did hockey become Jax’s “passion”? I thought chasing bush was his passion. And lying. This guy is a mess, but he’s Brittany’s mess – not Stassi’s (although he’ll always claim a piece of her psycho); not Scheana’s, not the Toms (OK maybe he is the Toms’ mess).

Kristen Doute is also a mess (as is everyone else, but let’s give Kristen her long-awaited moment to shine. She’s been in hiding since like Season 3). For some reason Kristen can’t handle traveling unless she has Carter to hold her hand and talk her down from the edge of chain smoking while consuming Xanax and edibles. As evidenced by last season, Carter is a drama queen, and thank god he is the only man alive whom can distract Kristen enough to restrict her terrorizing to Stassi, ergo leaving the rest of us alone.

Kristen is so drunk she’s speaking Spanish but thinks it’s English and actually believes she’s skinnydipping with seven maids a milking, not her friends. The milk ultimately winds up in Lala Kents baby bottle, topped off with honey, while Kristen winds up belligerently screaming at Stassi until Stassi flees their room under emotional duress. She compares Kristen to an ISIS member. As I said before, Stassi can take her next vacation to Guantanamo and ask some real ISIS members to touch nipples with her … I hear the waterboarding is wonderful!

Tom, Katie, & Pizza

After being forced out of her room in the dark, a distraught Stassi has no where to go – she’s completely alone – save for Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz. While the girls were dipping in the lady ocean, the guys were getting drunk. Very, very drunk. Tom and Katie are laying in bed, masticating a pizza and using it’s grease to lubricate their kisses, and it was disgusting. Soooooooooo disgusting. It’s the kind of love found only on Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, and I had visions of Tom and Katie on My 600lb Life. Katie literally was laying in bed with a plate of pizza propped on her chest while Tom drooled cheese on her face. The worst part is that KATIE sees this as a sign of fidelity and the amazing strength of her marriage. Because instead of Tom getting drunk and making out with random girls, he’s getting drunk and making out with a pizza, then possibly her. Suddenly there is a knock at the door!

Stassi sleeps with Tom & Katie

Tom is saved by a stark-raving Stassi who seeks asylum. So Stassi climbs into their marital bed, where she’s always been and where she’s always belonged. Sister Wife Stassi shoves Tom 2 aside and claims dominance over an entire half of the bed (albeit the grease-stained side). This is Tom’s life…he is the second wife. It’s been a wonderful honeymoon of a first year of marriage – just ask Katie!

Lala baby bottle

Sadly this entire nightmare was only marginally more disturbing than Lala slurping a baby bottle (her “baabaa” to fall asleep. It’s to help her “anxiety” when she can’t suck Randall’s man-dle. It is so bizarre that Scheana is shocked into taking a break from obsessing about loving Rob and recounting his 7 minutes of heavenly TV hanging. Scheana, though, is clutching a stuffed frog she calls Prince Rob, which she kisses over and over in the hopes that her fairy tale comes true and Rob rides up in a white Range Rover to slip a diamond-studded Louboutin over her bunioned foot thus transforming into the Little Lord Fauntleroy prince of WeHo. Then the atmosphere explodes into something resembling a Katie Perry concert which will be their wedding.

Scheana

Instead the real Rob instructs Scheana to turn her phone off and focus on her vacation, not SnapChat or FaceTime him. If Rob can convince Scheana to turn her phone off maybe she won’t be able to track him? Rob is supposedly home running Divorce Closet… meaning he’s actually entering Witness Protection while burning all Scheana’s giant framed photos of them, which he found in the hope chest hidden underneath Shay’s snowboard.

The next day before anyone’s even had time to sleep it off, they’re waking up obscenely early by any measures – not just vacation ones – to travel to a waterpark. It did turn out to be an amazing waterpark though; part coves, part petting zoo, part James Kennedy truth serum. Something has been eating at James – and it’s not the uncomfortable heartburn from too much whiskey – he feels compelled to tell Jax that Scheana is attempting to set Brittany up with Adam.

Drunk James Kennedy

Poor James – so desperate for love and affection. It’s his parents fault, and also the AWFUL atrocious bullies from England who tormented him so much they literally broke one of his legs. That’s heartbreaking and it makes me (and even Kristen) love James just a little bit more. I think we all just want to give him a hug. ‘Specially Kristen’s alter-ego Drunksten as we will apparently see next week.

Also poor Jax. He started the day breathing into his reiki healing rock. (I’m shocked Brittany didn’t inform him that Jesus should be his healing rock!). Later at the water park he had a talk with Brittany (her snorkeling mask and her adoptive family of baby lemurs) about his first love Hockey. Brittany now claims she’s potentially open to leaving Cali. Because she is an idiot and the lemur family needs to sue for emancipation, then take over raising Brittany themselves in the Mexican forest. I mean the only thing she eats is tequila so …

Kristen & Stassi fight

Also now Kristen and Stassi are in a fight! During their trip to Europe last year Kristen got so out of control – on edibles? – Stassi and Katie ditched her and fled to Paris, seeking refuge in Chanel. (They were refused). Stassi’s nightmare resumed in Mexico. At the water park, after being subjected to the sleep deprivation torture chamber, an emotionally imperiled Stassi even vents to Ariana Madix, who pretends care. Um, why wouldn’t Stassi just GET HER OWN HOTEL ROOM?!

Stassi spends most of the day avoiding Kristen, but ultimately they wind up arguing over Kristen’s drunken behavior. Stassi blames Kristen entirely, but Kristen believes they’re both at fault and accuses Stassi of throwing constant tantrums and never taking accountability. I title this argument “Pot Meet Kettle. You’re both assholes who need to have a lid put on it.” But cute swimsuits!

So that was a fun and refreshing day. Full of wholesome family fun, healthy beverages, and relaxing entertainment.

Jax lectures Brittany

Back at the hotel, brimming with new information about Brittany and Adam, Jax sits Brittany down for a lecture. Brittany blames everything on Scheana’s good intentions, and in a roundabout way, reveals that Adam isn’t really interested in her, he just wanted to be on TV. Although Scheana may have made it seem like he had a crush on Brit-Brit… but only because she wants to avenge Rob. The man can hang a TV in 7 minutes – there’s no way Jax can topple that!

Jax is now furious at Scheana for meddling in his relationship. He fails to recognize the irony that he (kinda) meddled in her relationship just weeks before and this is revenge SUR-ved. He fumes all through dinner at a SUR in Mexico. Does Lisa own this franchise too? What is going on here? I am so confused!

Lisa Vanderpump

Back at SUR in Hollywood, Billie Lee is once again tattling and causing trouble when she informs on Scheana for trying to arrange a match between Adam and Brittany. Lisa Vanderpump pretends to be scandalized, but she purrs all the way home to make Ken a dinner from scratch inspired by her own creations and filled to the brim with chopped nuts. (OK I may have made up the nut part, but you know if the hyperbole fits…).

Over dinner at SURixco, Scheana talks continually about Super Rob. Super Rob’s TV hanging skills. Super Rob’s handiness with power tools. SuperRob’s amazing, ingenious, inventive means of working his way out of a tricky situation… like fleeing Scheana? Half the group dropped dead from boredom, but Tom 1 and Jax retreated to the bathroom where Jax tells Tom Scheana is trying to destroy his relationship. Predictably Tom is scandalized. I wonder if Tom knows about Ariana’s involvement in Scheana’s scheme? Newsflash Jax and Scheana – no one can destroy your relationships but you, and you’re both doing amazing jobs of it!

Jax & Tom confront Scheana

After dinner, in a club with music so loud they can barely hear each other, Jax confronts Scheana and they have a fight. Scheana lets him know that Brittany was well-aware that of her plans with Adam. Jax twists this into believing Brittany went on a date with Adam behind his back, and storms out. Cause irony, like hypocrisy is lost on this person. He probably thinks they’re the names of colognes.

While Tom 2 was getting so wasted he started dryhumping James’s leg, Tom 1 defended Jax.  After all, this might be one of his last opportunities since 1/3 of his heart is moving to Tampa, abandoning their carefully cultivated bromance! Ahhhh… male bonding: a tale as old as time; a love as old as rhyme… Ariana warned Tom that this is known as “growing up” and it’s normal. Tom fumed as he Googled ‘grownup,” then decided he wanted no part in that mess. Frustration flashed across his effulgent skin. Oh no, this adult-ing, well it stops with constructing cocktails for Tom Tom and managing the enormous responsibilities of possessing Lisa’s phone number. Otherwise it’s waterparks and Coors Light for-ev-ver.

Kristen Claims She Actually Ditched Stassi & Katie In Paris

TELL US – DOES JAX HAVE A RIGHT TO BE MAD AT SCHEANA? SHOULD JAMES HAVE TATTLED? WHOSE A BIGGER SHEMOTIONAL TERRORIST: KRISTEN OR STASSI?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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