Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Samurais Of Shade

Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta ended their trip to Tokyo with some tears, but plenty of laughs. I never thought we’d see a Real Housewives trip end without a major blowout fight. However, it turns out pickles make people laugh, they make people love, and they make people forget all their rude thoughts! More pickles for the reunion, Andy Cohen!

Over in Japan Dennis McKinley is missing Porsha Williams so much he sends her a bouquet of flowers that looks like the vegetation in a Super Mario Brothers game from the 90’s.

This so-called arrangement was a hot mess that was bursting out of its box – just like Porsha’s boobs were bursting out of her top. Some mad science definitely was being used to keep those things taped. She was one sneeze away from an explosion. NASA has better things to do, y’all! 

While Porsha is cooing in bird language to Dennis, Tanya Sam is running around coordinating Eva Marcille‘s official PJ-party themed bachelorette party. Kudos for Tanya for realizing Kandi Burruss would be hangry enough to eat an entire KFC after all these days of sushi. Tanya had enough food to open an Ikea cafeteria. And Kandi certainly came ready to eat in her baggy PJs. The first thing Kandi did after walking through the door was reach for a plate to pile full of sliders and other American foods. I mean she was drooling. You can take the girl out of Aunt Bertha‘s kitchen, but you can’t take Aunt Bertha’s extra sweetened Kool-Aid and fried everything out of the girl!

RELATED: Check Out Photos From The Real Housewives of Atlanta Tokyo Trip

Tanya, bless her heart, just wants everyone to have a good time so badly. She lugged a suitcase full of Harajuki accessories from Atlanta, and is running around like a chicken sandwich with her head cut off. Really though the awkwardness was NeNe Leakes‘s fault. NeNe is still mad at Tanya for some mysterious reason. She literally ignores her s0-called friend when she offers to make her a drink. NeNe is doing all this ignoring very obviously; forgetting, apparently, that this party is for EVA and NeNe shouldn’t make it all about her. Except this is NeNe – everything is about her!

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Japanese Stripper

NeNe’s immaturity turns Tanya into the energizer bunny of people pleasing. Thankfully all her rambling was interrupted by some defective Japanese stripper who performed his entire routine wearing white gym socks. Were they part of the costume? Or did he really not remember to take them off? Then he couldn’t untie his briefs, which looked like it was made out of the plastic bag that holds your Chinese takeout. (Yes – I know we’re in Japan here people). At one point he literally sat down on the couch next to Eva like he was a guest from the party! Tanya did not offer him a drink.

RELATED: Nene Leakes Tells Real Housewives of Atlanta Cameraman “Let’s Be Clear, Bitch. I’m Going To F*ck You Up”

The whole affair was such a hot mess that Porsha had to whip out some more droopy Japanese pickles – this time actual pickles though – to introduce a game where the pickle is actually a penis. Kandi decides to up the ante by someone being the guy and the Housewife in question recreating her favorite sex position with the pickle. Eva was the first victim and mounted Kandi with her giant braids dragging all over the place, like a weapon. I’m sorry – those things are a safety hazard and later she slammed them in the door of their taxi and they were dragging on the road as they drove to the club!

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Pickle Game

I think Cynthia Bailey‘s position of choice is called necrophilia! I know Cynthia and Mike Hill are so chill, but she was limper than a Japanese pickle! Shamari DeVoe had to literally grab the pickle to hump Cynthia’s leg like a dog. Or a teenaged boy who drank a Red Bull. Shamari is feeling the freedom from Ronnie’s whiny broken record voice and letting loose – she better watch out that she doesn’t find herself accused of plotting to drug and rape Cynthia and do bad things with a sandwich condiments…

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Porsha & NeNe

After Tanya’s try-hard shindig they all end up in the club til 4 am. When they return to the hotel the concierge discovers Marlo Hampton sitting on the floor in front of her room door, super drunk, unable to work the keys, and holding her hair dumpling like she wishes it was a real dumpling to eat. She’s so out of it, he asks to see some ID. Marlo did look like a broken down professional lady who was maybe there to be the morning’s entertainment, so I don’t blame the man!

RELATED: Real Housewives of Atlanta Cast Member Shamari DeVoe Says Marlo Hampton Uses People’s Credit Cards To Buy Fashion She Can’t Afford

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - NeNe cries about Gregg

The next day everyone is miraculously on time for the bus, even though NeNe is in a horrible mood over Gregg. She cries to Cynthia that she feels so alone going through Gregg’s cancer. And because he is sick, no one is there to take care of her. Girl… dig some perspective out of the pockets of that kimono because you sound ridiculous and selfish! At least NeNe made it to the bus on time and didn’t verbally assault anyone for saying hello the wrong way.

With NeNe wondering if her marriage will survive, the women hit up a samurai lesson. They go in like lambs but leave like lions. With wooden swords (or is it sooords? Cynthia needs to know) these ladies take their battles from the shady to the visceral. Actually, it was super fun and cute. They paired off and chose one person to fake a death at the end of a heated pretend battle. Kandi could’ve won an Oscar for her dramatic rendition of death by Marlo. As Marlo says she does have experience slashing people, but usually with knives. Not sooords. I think the most dangerous thing Marlo should be allowed to operate is a pair of earrings, or a stiletto – even that is pushing it…

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Gregg Leakes Apologizes To Nene Leakes Over Instagram For His Poor Behavior

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Tanya & Shamari Samarai Lessons

Later that night as everyone is preparing for the final dinner, Eva checks in on NeNe just as NeNe receives an even BIGGER bouquet. This one looks like the plastic vegetation found inside a fish tank. Unsurprisingly it is from Gregg who sends it along with a super heartfelt note vowing to take care of NeNe and make sure she feels fulfilled, honored, and supported during his cancer battle. NeNe claims she wants to honor her re-vows and stay married (again). I think NeNe needs to review them. The biggest cancer in their marriage appears to be HER attitude of acting as if Gregg is being too needy and demanding. NeNe is also already mourning Gregg – not for the possibility of his passing, but mourning the Gregg who constantly doted on her and made her the center of his world.

While Gregg is just days away from getting a second surgery to repair his colon he is dealing with NeNe’s drama internationally and trying to soothe her ego. How is it that NeNe is complaining that he isn’t being the caretaker she is accustomed to, again?

After reading the note, NeNe bursts into tears under her wig and asks Eva to leave her alone.

RELATED: Real Housewives of Atlanta Star Nene Leakes Says Gregg Is “Mean, Grouchy, & Evil For No Reason”; He Responds On Instagram

That night at dinner the mood is somber but peaceful. This prompts Eva to ask the women to share their highs and their lows from throughout the year. Cynthia elects to go first – because her lows are basically like I stubbed my toe in the Target housewares section – and this gives her the opportunity to gush about Mike. Who in fairness does seem great, and I love Cynthia’s attitude that at 51 she’s realized she has to seize life and live to the fullest.

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Kandi Burruss

Kandi rambles on about how her life is so amazing, and all of her businesses are exploding with fruitfulness. But not actual fruit because Kandi does not eat anything with nutritional value. The lows, however, is that Riley called her and Todd Tucker out for putting career before family, yet Kandi still wants to add to her load by having a third baby via surrogate. #RileyKnowsBest

Real Housewives Of Atlanta - Porsha Williams

Next Porsha goes, and she is not focusing on lows because obviously, we have seen all over hers. Over and over again. So, for now, she is focusing only on Dennis and how he has given her new life. Literally. Watching Porsha talk about Dennis and literally glow from within gives Kandi an epiphany. In a moment that was both sweet and so cleansing, Kandi speaks up to admit that she regrets the nastiness she spread about Dennis. Because everyone was warning her that Todd was an opportunist yet he turned out to be the most amazing man and greatest blessing in her life. I guess being hungry makes Kandi emotional because Finally – FIN-NAL-LEE – Porsha and Kandi agree to squash their issues, communicate, and go forward in positivity. And you know what, I believe them! I thought this was a great moment for Kandi.

RELATED: Real Housewives of Atlanta Star Porsha Williams Insists She Doesn’t Have Trust Issues With Dennis McKinley

Lastly, NeNe shares that her lows are obviously her situation with Gregg, but she does believe – at least for now – that things will work out. In between hitting the saki until her golden cup runneth over, Shamari reveals that her low was losing her passion for music, but her high was finding that again and recording with Ronnie. And also, of course, the births of her sons. Marlo and Tanya, not being official housewives, weren’t deemed important enough to be in the sharing circle. Maybe next year, girls! Don’t give up hope for a kumbaya!

I actually really hope Tanya becomes a Real Housewife. She’s a little insecure and goes a little overboard because she feels uncomfortable. However, I think Tanya could really up the class of this show. I’d love to see more about her business and home life.

RELATED: Real Housewives of Atlanta Star Nene Leakes Clarifies Comments About Tanya Sam’s Fashion Sense; Dishes On Marlo Hampton’s Makeover Attempt


[Photo Credits: Bravo]