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Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

I’ll tell you a secret: you will not find your answers in life by going to the Disney World of Yolanda Hadid’s Lyme Brain, aka Solvang (a pretend version of a Dutch village) and drinking until you fall on your ass in an unflattering romper repurposed from vintage prison uniforms. Just ask the ladies of Vanderpump Rules who tried just that!

Likewise you will not improve your life or your relationship by having a guy’s night at a hotel where you pretend you’re just picking up chicks for a single friend. That will instead make you realize you’re married to someone like Katie Maloney, who is wearing your balls as a ring on a string.

So in Solvang the girls are wine tasting and shopping. They visit a toy store which sells wine and other kitsch, which is literally perfect for people who can’t figure out if they want to cross the threshold into adulthood, or stay perma-imbedded in the connubial half-bliss on the island of misfit toys. This place is also perfect for parents who want a drink but are forced to accede to their children’s succubus-like demands.

Nonetheless, it is in front of some rag dolls, that Scheana Marie sniffles about how she’s taking Lala Kent‘s advice to be the right kind of friend by hiding so much of her perfection from judgey naysayers Katie and Stassi Schroeder. What Scheana is really hiding is her relationship with Adam Spott. As Lala suggested she doesn’t want to expose it to the attempted ruination that will inevitably come with including Katie in anything.  But my, my … what a change from last season where Rob was the only thing Scheana said for about 400 episodes and if you had a dollar for every time she said it, you’re currently buying a ‘gently used’ private jet and renting it to Lala!

Anyhoodle the real tragedy is not Scheana’s repressed-self (featuring glossy 8x10s of her sad frowning face surrounded by black curtains) but whatever Lala is wearing. It looks like a satin sheet with sneakers? It’s probably the same look she wore on the run after My Man‘s now ex-wife caught them making nookie in the hotel!

Back in LA Jax Taylor complains to Peter Madrigal that he really needs this guy’s night because he’s been doing so much work pouring drinks at SUR. He’s telling this to Peter, who has a real job, and will actually have to meet all the guys late – after work. Meanwhile, James Kennedy is in the back alley, by the dumpsters – duh – explaining to his brother, Harry, the newest busboy, that he doesn’t usually cry at work. He’s just going through a hard time right now.

Harry Kennedy - Vanderpump Rules

Jax is shocked to learn that James will be DJing a private party at PUMP. He is even more surprised to learn of Harry’s employment! Jax, who is really disconnected from reality on this episode, complains that James must have something he’s holding over Lisa Vanderpump‘s head because she simply cannot get rid of him. I think that something is called sympathy and Lisa has rolled out a red’s carpet worth for his antics!

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz - Vanderpump Rules

Lisa migrates over to TomTom to check on the progress with the manager who looks like a Ken doll from the 80’s. Of course, right on cue Tom 1 and Tom 2 arrive, like Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dee, carting along some crap they picked out of the local dump and think would make an excellent egg salad machine. Actually, it’s something that makes ice cubes out of alcohol and Lisa sneers that it doesn’t go with their design scheme. Tom 1 immediately starts a whiny tantrum about being the rarest and cutting edge bartender in LA who has dedicated his life to craft drunkenness and this is a necessity. I’m sure Lisa will accede.

When Kristen Doute learns that James is DJing at PUMP she loses it and literally storms out of the wine store, leaving her phone behind. Somehow she is still able to relocate the girls at dinner and receive a bevy of texts from Carter instructing her to chill the f–k out.

Scheana Marie - Vanderpump Rules

Over dinner, Katie starts interrogating Scheana over Adam. When she refuses to divulge anything given the nature of their friendship, Katie turns things around and blames Scheana for destroying their friendship by shaming her marriage. Um… Katie is seriously the most delusional person on this show. And that, my friends, is a super feat!

Again, Katie is allowed to say and do whatever she wants, but no one else. Like Katie hasn’t publicly shamed Scheana 7 ways to Sunday about everything from her looks to her relationships to anything and everything. Also, Scheana is the new James. Scheana only turned on Katie after Katie was such a horrible Bridezilla. Why does anyone seek Katie’s approval? And why is Katie allowed to have any autonomy over this group? Is it cause she is SO HATEFUL and mean everyone would rather just grovel, than deal with her shit? Shockingly, it is only Lala, not Scheana’s BFF Ariana Madix, who stands up for her.

Scheana in her serious Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead suit is definitely ready to let Katie know how things stand. Scheana will try really hard to rebuild their friendship so she doesn’t find herself, once again, on a fast-track to James-ing. If Katie would go away I’d believe in Santa Claus again!

Tom, who is all about helping his bros out, also invited James last-minute.  James, sitting at home, watching HGTV and petting Raquel LeViss‘s empty pilates leggings, leaps off the couch and runs to the bar.

The big excitement in James‘ newly sober life: pizza! “We got a pizza. Like a cheese pizza. YES!” he cheers. James loves a carb with marinara. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE PIZZA … especially when it can’t be about the booze. (or the boobs) 

James Kennedy Peter Madrigal

Peter is the only adult in his professional life so he must make up for it in his personal life, which means Tom 1 is playing wingman to set Peter up with literally the only single women in the bar. More importantly, Tom 1’s wingman spiel deserves a self-help book for the un-adulted. Things take a turn for the problematic when Tom and Peter invite the girls back to the table with whisperings of an after party in the hotel room. It’s all to celebrate James’ 3.5 week sobriety …

Jax Taylor - Vanderpump Rules

Like James, Jax is a drunk at a bar whose sober… except with women. Probably a sign of a sex addiction is sweating at the possibility of being around women who you could sleep with behind your girl’s back. He turns to Beau, who dating Stassi, is obviously used to dealing with self-absorbed meltdowns. Jax a panic attack about how he doesn’t trust himself and wants to call Brittany Cartwright to prove to her that he’s not doing bad.

Stassi Schroeder Brittany Cartwright

When “hoes are in the hotel room” you must first open the space to the aura of sex by pressing your dirty minds together and chanting of “TOOOOOOM.” Then you must sage away the previous skanks by spraying champagne. Finally, and lastly, you must cleanse the aura of suspicion by preemptively calling your girlfriend to extol your own virtue and explain that it is your friend – your very single friend – who is partying with such hoes while you play wingman, make sure people get to the toilet before puking, and have access to the finest in latex protection. We know these girls are plants, probably actresses, or girls the film crew recruited to act as the enticing booty calls and even Brittany and Stassi’s ‘meltdown’ seemed put-on.

More importantly: I want to travel with Tom 1 and his bar kit. Can he be my cocktail wingman?

James is fun even sober. Maybe even more fun as he judges a male model walk-off and proclaims Tom 2′s model walk the winner. The award is one blackout where you forget that you are married to Katie!

Beau was forced to babysit Jax. And Stassi’s potential for emotional retribution at the mere knowledge that women are near them without supervision. Beau and Jax spend the entire party huddled on the balcony making “X” fingers to shield them from the evils of temptation and praying to the twinkles in the sky to empty Coors Light cans to free from lusty thoughts. I feel like Tom 1 gets a pass after Ariana cheated on him with Lala. Then yelled at him for expressing feelings about this.

Back in Solvang  Kristen needs to ask herself why she projects all of her life’s failures onto James. She winds up in a drunken fight with Katie about how Carter is texting her directions on how to process the knowledge that James is DJing at PUMP. Katie tries to demand Kristen sit-down, but nobody puts drunk Kristen, or her droopy romper, on a couch! She falls over the coffee table and instead lands on her ass (a perfect representation of her general personality) trying to escape one boss to run to the other: Carter. Katie doesn’t like that carter is “calling the shots” but honestly someone has to be the rational one somewhere in this hot mess of immaturity!

Katie Maloney Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Of course, this is all Carter’s fault. Who texted Crazy Kristen stuff that caused her to run screaming into the road after falling over the table. Katie decides that since Kristen is no longer present to take her wrath, Tequila Katie will go straight to the source. She calls Tom 2, and since Katie just wants to get to Carter on the phone so she doesn’t react to Tom’s news that girls – unapproved girls! – are in their room.

Once Katie gets Carter on the phone, none of her threats work, though. He doesn’t care. He denies texting Kristen anything to rile her up and shrugs when Katie threatens that she’ll hack into Kristen’s phone to read the texts later. “Just don’t worry about it,” Carter says, handing the phone back to Tom 2. Thank you Carter. The only person in LA who can stand up to Katie. We salute you and nominate you as manager of SURUMPOMTOM. Carter is instead annoyed that he has to try and track Kristen down using the Find My iPhone App to remind her to use the crosswalk, not run in traffic screaming “JAAAMES!” And now Katie like super hates Carter – she’s decided he is just not good for Kristen. Um, newsflash – NO ONE is good for Kristen because Kristen is bad news!

Stassi Schroeder - Vanderpump Rules

Stassi takes this opportunity to join in on trashing Carter to reveal just what a bad boyfriend he is. “It would one thing if she was paying for everything and he was nice to her,” Stassi rants. But apparently not. Carter, and Kristen are just loafing around their apartment fighting with each other over who is bigger jobless loser, while Kristen pays the bills.  And now it’s all out there: Carter is scum, and 2 of the ThreeHeaded SheBeast have eaten the head of the third and vomited her secrets to the world.  Stassi recoils, like she spilled a toxic and deadly secret, and is capable of experiencing friend shame.

Ariana, the smartest girl on this show, has a lightbulb moment: Kristen hates James to mask her anger at Carter. So what’s Katie’s excuse? #RhethoricalQuestion

TELL US – DO YOU THINK CARTER IS A BAD BOYFRIEND AND A LOSER? DO YOU BELIEVE JAX REALLY DIDN’T WANT TO CHEAT ON BRITTANY? IS SOBER JAMES FUN?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]