On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we were still trapped in Solvang with Krazy Kristen Doute. Apparently once cameras turned off and we all went to bed, she was haunting the halls of their hotel, screaming JAAAAAMES, and begging for cigarettes. But it’s not about James. It’s about Carter.
Katie Maloney had to take drastic measures to escape Kristen at her worst! It was so bad she chose to spend the night in Super Summer of Single Scheana‘s, room wearing a SUR uniform which was passed to Scheana after Katie’s um, winter body appeared on the scene.
Of course, hearing about her insane drunken behavior the previous night doesn’t stop Kristen from imbibing on their trip to the vineyard, however! Oh no, bring on the Riesling. Glug, slug, slug!
The real story on this trip isn’t Kristen and Carter though. They’re C-List extras in this flop of love. The real story is Lala Kent and Randall Emmett. We’ll get to them later. But first in a vineyard, most of the girls are rather ineptly throwing beanbags at a corn hole (which is how Brittany Cartwright thinks babies are made). Stassi Schroeder confronts Kristen with why she’s dating a dud named Carter who treats her like crap. Carter’s main bad point, other than his joblessness, is that he isn’t excited to wake up next to Kristen. Kristen reacts to Stassi’s concerns by just drinking more wine. And complaining about James Kennedy. Of course!
Meanwhile, the guys are coming too in a blur of regret over their drunkenness the night before. Well, maybe not Peter Madrigal, but definitely Jax Taylor! Jax certainly got a wakeup call, that call was Brittany reminding him that the ring connected to her ring finger is connected to his dick bone. And his bone better not be connected to hoes in the hotel room! I love how feminist we are up in here. Hoes? Really?
Actually, Jax’s regret comes from being so hungover he never wants to drink again. “Drinking isn’t fun when you’re old,” he whines to Tom Schwartz who has a weird neon blue hair feather.
Even with his hangover Jax still worries that he and Tom should report back to the girls. He wants to reassure them that nothing happened with said “hoes in the hotel room”. This is just projecting on Jax’s part! Also, the girls in Solvang have their own problems. Not only were they dealing with Kristen, but Brittany spent the entire night puking in the bathroom. She thinks she needs an allergy test. Scheana suggests Brittany may be allergic to Agave since she drinks a lot of tequila. Or drinking a lot of tequila could be the problem!? Just a thought…
Poor Jax – he’s scarcely himself anymore. As Tom 2 said, not only did he refrain from cheating on Brittany with randos. He also didn’t move one of the randos (using his motorized cooler) into the apartment he shares with Brittany, stash her in his man cave, let her claim half their dog, and then only let Brittany find out when she finds the used pregnancy tests under the bathroom sink. But alas, this is a new mature Jax. A Jax who turns down beers later that evening when meeting up with Tom 1 and Tom 2 . Even though the Toms are in crisis!
The Toms just learned that Lisa Vanderpump has retained a professional mixologist to finetune the Tom Tom cocktail menu. Because we can’t make these things up, this cocktail sniper from the side is named Sly. Sly was hired to develop processes and dispense revolutionary advice such as you have to train your employees on how to make the drinks. Generally, I would be like ‘DUH – obviously,’ but this is Lisa, who hires (and re-hires) people like Jax, or Kristen, or James. So, yeah she probably does need this suggestion.
Tom 1 is in panic mode. Lisa is ripping his very vermouth-flavored soul from Tom Tom, gutting him, and if they don’t get at least one Tom-crafted cocktail on the menu, Tom 1 vows to break their partnership agreement. If Tom 1’s Achilles heel is his cocktails, Tom 2‘s Achilles heel is his life without Tom. For him (and us) there is no singular Tom. They are a unit. A pair as unbreakable as a diamond ice cube. I’m sure this made Katie feel great about her marriage.
Per the usual, Katie is too busy judging other people to acknowledge what’s going on in her own relationship. Now she’s calling out Kristen for being obsessed with James instead of admitting that things with Carter are really bad. Um, will these people please stop using James to deflect and project from their own love lives?
On their final day in Solvang Lala unravels. After spending 3 days watching all her friends get wasted, instead of being relieved that she’s no longer embarrassing herself while drunk, Lala misses it! In truth since losing her father, Lala is feeling like a mess. She confesses to Stassi that she’s super unhappy and having difficulty with depression. She and Rand are even drifting apart.
Everyone manages to rally and pull their shit together for one final ride on the 1987 PJ Express. Stassi even wore her pajamas and chugged a beer for this occasion. #OOTD PJ Style. Actually, that seems fitting for this trip, and that PJ.
Back home, Katie, Lala, Brittany, and Scheana must immediately deplane, strap on their SUR uniforms and hit the dumpster fire running.
Meanwhile, Stassi is able to go home, sprawl on her couch, and nurse her hangover with Aperol Spritzes and the ever-loving presence of Beau. And the sobriety clock keeps rescheduling because the next day Stassi and Co are headed to a BBQ at her old friend Kristina Kelly‘s house. Kristina has been a semi-regular extra over the years. And I presume she’s no longer working at SUR since moving to Santa Monica in what looks like an adorable little, quintessentially Cali bungalow.
Of course, no one complains about driving to the west side for Kristina! Scheana is always so ‘fetch’. Before entering the party Kristen briefs Carter that they’re supposed to be getting along. We know that’s foreshadowing, of course, for all the drama that is about to happen when Kristen decides to confront Carter, at the party, while Katie is hovering in the background over the taco bar.
Kristen complains that Carter barks at her, cusses, and is super demanding. He does all of this while sitting around playing video games because he lacks ambition. Yeah, Carter sounds like a real jerk! He fires back that all Kristen does is complain about her endless bad days and endless drama with literally the milk carton. He says when they saw a counselor she was on his side. I mean honestly they both sound awful. Maybe they deserve each other? Also, exactly what ambition has Kristen displayed other than a concerted effort to ruin her ex-boyfriend’s lives. Seriously she’s been a B-list player on a reality show for the last couple years… And that’s literally it.
Surprisingly Carter did not mention Kristen’s obsession with James. Speaking of, while everyone was still sorting out their respective same sex weekends, James was over at PUMP DJing Billie Lee‘s Equality party. He uses his successful sobriety at the guys night to attempt to convince Lisa that he’s ready for his gig at SUR again. Especially since Katie’s girl’s night numbers, compared to his… aren’t all that.
James needs to think of Tuesdays as the baby he nurtured, and fussed over, and now weaned to be independent. Let Katie have it and move on. And Lisa is not in the mood to be lectured by James about how James has changed. She reminds him he has bigger problems than SUR – like his whole life. And the fact that he lacks contrition. A word he probably needs to google the definition of and then practically apply to his life.
While Kristen and Carter are bickering at Kristina Kelly‘s house Tom and Tom are at Tom Tom getting the shaker-down from Sly, who is all about buzzwords such as “salable” and ‘easy to mass produce.’ Aka cocktails based on classic recipes with a twist. The real reason they are here is so Sly can publicly judge Tom and Tom’s cocktails. After she goes through a whole spiel, Sly reveals that she actually loves 10 of their offerings! Which means they can stay on the menu.
At this news Tom 1 practically cries. The Toms were hoping to just have ONE of their drinks pass the test. Aiming 1987 PJ high guys! Tom 1 makes a victory speech in which he acknowledges that he couldn’t have achieved this momentous success without his ever-loving and supportive partner in all things, Tom 2. Lisa couldn’t be more proud. She was literally beaming.
Over at Kristina’s, the truly shocking news is that Lala is drinking some wine and spilling some too. She pulls Brittany and Katie aside to share that she and Rand are on a break. After spending all of Solvang in a state of forced sobriety to honor a promise she made to Rand to quit drinking. A promise Rand was also supposed to be upholding. She came home to find him so wasted he could barely remember his name. Um, all he has to remember are two little words “My Man”. When Lala announced she was taking a break from Mandal, he decided to hold her Gucci slides hostage. Katie is shocked by how juvenile Mandal is behaving. Me too, initially, but then I mean he has been dating Lala, soo…
Gucci slides aren’t the only thing Mandal is holding hostage though: Lala’s PJ access pass is being revoked and she’ll have to go back to procuring them the old fashioned way. With her mouth. She literally announces that she can suck plenty of other dicks for a ride on a PJ. I think she may be taking this obsession a little too far, but at least, unlike Carter, Lala is willing to work for the things she wants!
Brittany, whose hair is now bigger than her boobs, jokes that she wouldn’t be thinking of PJs before rent, but good for Lala for being optimistic about her future. That is just so charitable, Brit-Brit. And bless Lala’s heart indeed.
TELL US – DO YOU BUY JAX’S REFORMED ACT? DID LALA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN DUMPING RAND?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]