Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Who Careyes!

Last night, the Real Housewives Of Dallas traveled to Careyes, Mexico to visit Kary Brittingham‘s amazing family resort. Unfortunately, LeeAnne Locken forgot to pack her positivity panties and instead was like the human equivalent of having a yeast infection on vaycay. LeeAnne should’ve stay-away-cayed so Kameron Westcott could’ve fit another grande bago on the plane instead.

It’s just a casual morning here in Dallas, where our favorite Housewives are preparing for their day. Most people stumble to the coffee pot, but Kameron is perfectly coiffed with her eyelashes affixed, and is calmly blowing up a whoopee cushion then inviting Court to sit down. Kameron apparently didn’t know what a whoopee cushion is because she made a face like Court shoved a K-Cup up his hoo-hah during an impromptu pageant amongst friends in a private home. Class, Court, Claaaaaaays.

Meanwhile, Travis Hollman just got Housewiv’d! No, that’s not what he calls having sex with Stephanie Hollman. It’s when one receives an ultimate arrogant social slight. In this case, D’Andra Simmons stands Travis up for a business meeting, because her hair was getting did all night. D’Andra never even bothered to tell Travis directly that she needed to reschedule. Instead, she texted Stephanie at 1:30 am to cancel because she had a hair emergency. Suuuuper profesh, Daaandra!

Travis is pissed. He researched Ultimate Living and was prepared to DONATE his time and knowledge towards helping D’Andra’s flailing company, like LeeAnne threw a charity gala for her or something. Yet D’Andra bailed because her hair turned red after a marathon dying session and she needs her beauty rest. Is D’Andra a teenaged girl doing a high school internship?  Get a Hermes scarf from Mama Dee‘s last face lift recovery and show your ass up, lady – red hair and all! WTF.

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Stephanie knows this is bad. She warns Travis to let it go. But, Travis does not play Housewives games. When Travis mad, Travis turn into “Tramiah Carey” the diva trauma queen, and D’Andra won’t like Tramiah when he’s angry!

Travis leaves D’Andra a very curt message lecturing her on being prompt and professional. LOVE IT. Who thinks Mama Dee machiavellian orchestrated all this. Like she so paid D’Andra’s hair dresser to botch the dye, then re-dye it several times. Mama Dee so kept D’Andra up all night. Then sent that text to Stephanie. She is so the one who turned D’Andra’s alarm and phone off preventing D’Andra from hearing the call from Travis about the meeting. And then Mama Dee casually filed down her nails and laughed all the way to bank to make another withdrawal from D’Andra’s trust to pay her dry cleaning bill and country club dues.

At home, D’Andra frets about the blown-off meeting. Clown hair for a clownish antic, D’Andra! They call that karma in Dallas, I believe. Jeremy advises her to call Travis, without mentioning the hair, and just acknowledge that she f–ked up. We all know it’s damn-near impossible for D’Andra to take ownership.

True to form, she initially tries to blame Stephanie for not relaying the message until Jeremy shuts that down. Jeremy may be a man who enjoys the simple artist life, with folding towels in between for leisure, but he knows a thing or two about dealing with people and D’Andra’s apology to Travis goes a long way.

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Such a long way that Travis agrees to reschedule the meeting. Look at D’Andra – being grownup-ish, and all that. Even if it did seem like she was about to cry on the phone to Travis! Foiled again, Mama Dee (and yes, that’s a hair dye pun!).

Six weeks out from her wedding, LeeAnne is still without a dress. That’s because girlfriend can’t afford one! LeeAnne and her wedding planner, who looks like a Chuckie Doll who home dyed his hair with Clairol in the shade of Elvis Presley, visit Nardos, a premiere courtier in Dallas. This was literally all a con to shame the owner into giving LeeAnne a gown for free. It was gross, cringe-worthy, and beyond tacky!

I can’t imagine what Kameron would say if she saw that! The designer proposes $10k, then $7k for a CUSTOM MADE dress within a limited time-frame, Instead, LeeAnne’s planner whines about how LeeAnne does so much for people so they should return the favor with donated goods. Like these people are running around holding “Will Work For Free Bravo Exposure” signs on the Dallas trolley? Pssst, LeeAnne, go to David’s Bridal if you can’t afford to pay people fairly!

The designer ultimately agrees to make LeeAnne’s dress quid pro quo out of embarrassment in front of cameras. However, she’ll be charging Kameron for her pseudo-bridesmaid dress. Even more classy, LeeAnne. Honestly, she needs to throw herself a charity benefit instead of a bridal shower.

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Stephanie visits with Carmen, her life coach. After sharing her sucidie attempt and depression last year Stephanie became overwhelmed and re-depressed by all the depressed, suicidal people reaching out to her on social media. Now she wants them to reach out to Carmen instead. Just like she did! Psssst — people of the internet, Stephanie is not a doctor or a guru. Try LeeAnne – she would love that shit.

Not being able to help people in need makes Stephanie feel inferior and brings up her self-esteem struggles. Poor Stephanie. She’s too good for this reality TV world. And I mean that with 100% sincerity. Her life coach has Stephanie create a mantra that she is good enough just as she is. How very Bridget Jones inspirational! I love those books and movies (except the last book – yuck).

And now Mexico! With all the requisite packing.

Brooklyn calls Brandi Redmond‘s entire wardrobe “ugly.” Stripes are not in … especially not prison stripes, Brooklyn!

Kameron is stressed about having to fly commercial. Like those airport people don’t know how to treat her designer luggage with dignity and respect. Kameron brought dos grande bags, purposefully ugly ones. She nearly falls on the baggage claim picking them up. We learn that Kameron’s high school superlative, featuring a vintage Kameron nose, named her, “Most likely to get lost in the airport on the way to college.” Yeah, because Kam thought she was in the PJ hangar, then fell into Court’s baggage exchange.

She was also voted most likely to be on the cover of Cosmo. I think they meant ‘lost in the cosmos,’ because Kameron on the cover of a magazine that talks about sex? Ewwww… Like, girl, that’s like in-a-prooopriate, girl. Talking about, like, sex, is not OK, girl.

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LeeAnne frets about being trapped in an isolated resort with D’Andra, but Rich reminds her that if he – as the subject of the cheating accusation that ruined their friendship – can forgive D’Andra, LeeAnne can too! Can she though? #RhetoricalQuestion.

Following the dreadful regular airport flight, Kary informs the women there is a two-hour drive in a crappy vanigan from the airport to the house. At least there is champagne. In solo cups (which is where the “solo” ends since she also announces that they’ll have to share rooms). Ahhh… something to look forward to at the end of this tunnel through Mexico’s badlands, and worse bathrooms, where the souls of tequila worms go to die: Kary’s rules!

Even though there are enough rooms for everyone, Kary wants them to bond. So, she puts their names in a hat and whomever’s name you draw is your roommate. LeeAnne is pissed because she drew Kary’s name. But at least she didn’t have to stay with hurricane D’Andra, the most selfish gale force wind to ever encircle Texas. Luckily ,Brandi got stuck with her. Which leaves Kam to room with Stephanie.

Kameron Westcott Real Housewives Of Dallas

Champagne ended up being a bad idea because soon everyone had to pee. And you do not want to pee along the side of the highway in Mexico! Actually, you do, because the other option is a gas station bathroom … Well, please just refer to Kameron’s face.

Real Housewives Of Dallas Bathroom In Mexico

LeeAnne should’ve just reprised her stunt of pooping in a shopping bag, cause that bathroom was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen on Bravo!

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Real Housewives Of Dallas Mexico

Just when I think Eduardo’s amazing family home, which does look like a James Bond set (thanks, Kam) will make everything alright, LeeAnne’s foul and funky attitude rears its ugly head. Did she catch something in that bathroom?! She complains about everything! Mostly having to be roommates with Kary. LeeAnne tries to switch to rooming with Kam, but when that fails, just announces that she’ll be staying by herself in her own room.

Kary Brittingham Brandi Redmond Real Housewives Of Dallas

During the tour, LeeAnne proceeds to insult Kary’s home and activity suggestions. LeeAnne doesn’t like climbing all the stairs because it makes her bum hurt. She can’t understand why she’s forced to slum it by sharing a room. LeeAnne will not risk her life to walk across the hanging bridge.

Kary’s feelings are hurt. She hoped to get to know LeeAnne better on this trip. Now, she is disappointed that she’s trying to “ruin the vibe of the trip” with her bad attitude. Finally Kary’s “Kariah Karey” comes out when she asks LeeAnne if she’s always this negative and filled with complaints? Um, yes.

Of course, LeeAnne turns this around to blame Kary for being a bad hostess who “aggressively” attacked her. So she’s now pissed and offended. Nada, LeeAnne. You were being totally rude, tacky, and insulting towards the hostess! Brandi rejoices that finally someone else is calling LeeAnne out. And to that, I say Amen and cheers with the Jesus Juice.

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Enjoy it while you can because from now on LeeAnne is going to spend all season coming for Kary over this one instance. Then once LeeAnne does something truly awful, she’ll start crying about her childhood abandonment issues and try to make this about how Kary brought that out in her. Before dinner, LeeAnne meditates so that she will not kill someone and wind up in a Mexican jail, because then she won’t get to wear her custom-made wedding gown.

Before dinner, Kary confesses to Stephanie that she’s confused by LeeAnne’s behavior. Stephanie tries to reassure her that it will be ok. But, deep down Stephanie knows that’s not true. Meanwhile, LeeAnne vents to Kameron about how Kary came for her. Kameron listens half-heartedly. She tells LeeAnne what she wants to hear (that she’s perfect).Then, she dreams of pink margaritas.

Kameron Westcott

Over dinner, though, a more honest side of Kameron emerges when she and Kary bond over the frustrations of being beholden by prenups and allowances in their marriages to wealthy men. Kary started a jewelry line to have a little something for herself and feel a sense of freedom in having some of her own money – something Kameron relates to every time she travels to the Global Pet Expo!

Also, we learn that D’Andra once dated Eduardo’s brother. Small world this Dallas. But not small enough that they can’t lose Brandi. Stephanie assumes Brandi is in the bathroom, her happy place, smelling the poop-purri like a religious incense while she expels all the Montezuma’s Revenge of LeeAnne’s toxicity.

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But no, Brandi is passed out in bed after feeling ill. She is literally pooped.

LeeAnne Locken

LeeAnne’s behavior at dinner was beyond the pale when she jokes about suicide and then tries to shame Kary for not knowing about her past. I mean come on – everyone in Dallas has to know about LEEANNE’S CHILDHOOD by this point! Kary asked an innocent question about why LeeAnne never had children, but it quickly escalated into another round of LEEANNE HAD THE WORST CHILDHOOD EVER, with LeeAnne repeatedly, sarcastically, using the word “negative.”

Kary Brittingham Real Housewives Of Dallas

Kary attempted to relate by sharing that her mother was a severe alcoholic, but nothing is worse than what LeeAnne endured as she almost relishes throwing in Kary’s face that she was molested.

Stephanie Hollman Real Housewives Of Dallas

Stephanie seems stricken as LeeAnne snarks that if she’s lucky she won’t try to kill herself tonight. This brings dinner to an awkward and uncomfortable halt as Stephanie flees for her room.

D’Andra is frustrated to see LeeAnne, once again, revert to her old tropes of using her childhood to justify her present misbehavior, instead of truly processing and dealing with it. I think Kary was trying to get to know LeeAnne, not bait her into some sort of argument. And, for Kary she’s moved past her traumatic childhood by trying to give her children a better example. Or so it seems. We don’t know her well enough to truly judge, but the other Housewives all seem to love her, so…

I know LeeAnne has many fans who relate to her struggles, but I find her behavior intolerable. She never changes. She just masks it for a while and tries to make everyone who doesn’t believe her chameleon act into the bad guy.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of Dallas Star Brandi Redmond Responds To Fans Who Criticized Her 10-Year-Old Daughter

Brandi Redmond

PS – everyone has a prenup except Brandi, who married Brian when they were both dirt poor. Oh, and LeeAnne who purrs that Rich would never leave her — not alive, anyway!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]