On last nightâs Real Housewives Of Dallas LeeAnne Locken tied the knot to Rich Emberlin and treated her wedding ceremony like the sideshow act at a carnival. She then treated her wedding guests like they needed to pay for their own corndogs.
LeeAnne also insulted her own mother from the altar, because what better opportunity to say your piece to your mother when she canât interrupt than during your own wedding vows?!
LeeAnneâs mother, Margaret, did in fact make it to the wedding. Right on time, in fact, and wearing a gold sequined dress. LeeAnne then proceeded to spend the entire ceremony and reception ignoring her. Margaret even had to beg for a photograph with her own daughter!
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LeeAnne and Rich wrote their own vows so naturally she took the opportunity to complain about feeling âunloved, unwanted, and abandoned during her childhoodâ while her mom sat, front-row, eyes shining with happy tears. LeeAnne did all this while wearing a 2 foot tall over-compensating crown on her head with hands as bloated looking as the latex gloves filled with ice the hospital has you put on your vagina after you have a baby. Afterwards Queen Of Delusion breezed right past her family to hop in a Rolls Royce for drive-thru corndog. You can take the girl out of the carnivalâŚ
Unloved, unwanted, and abandoned at the church, LeeAnneâs mother told family members that she just wants LeeAnne to realize she was loved and get the fâk over herself! Um, LeeAnneâs entire identity is wrapped up in this fabricated illusion that she was abandoned at the carny like some sort of Little Orphan Annie, so⌠Also LeeAnne never talks about the grandparents that saved her anymore, so were they deleted from her story too?
With five hours to kill between the ceremony and the weeding LeeAnne wants to get herself some wienie! She means a foot-long chili dog, which she ate standing up so it wouldnât spill on her $10k dress. Rich wouldnât let her eat in the car. Who wants hot dog burps, farts, and bloating on your wedding day?
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Well, canât blame her given that she knew that other than the worldâs largest charcuterie platter no food would be served at her reception. I guess LeeAnne burned some major bridges with the Dallas catering scene and no one was willing to comp a meal for 1,000?
None of the guests knew this detail, however. Or at least not Stephanie Hollman, Kameron Westcott, and Kary Brittingham who were the only housewives who made it to LeeAnne and Richâs big day. Cary Deuber was also there. The reception was carnival on acid themed, like think Carnivale in Rio. It featured lots of people dancing in costumes (including LeeAnne), girls doing acrobatics on air-born saddles, and Rich ogling all the women like he didnât just yoke himself to LeeAnne and her 5 personalities for um, the remainder of the time sheâs on Real Housewives Of Dallas.
The only thing this wedding didnât have was LeeAnneâs gracious attitude and dinner. (Kameron also dished that the bar ran out of water and people had to get it from the bathroom). But it was the happiest day of LeeAnneâs life â a selfish reflection of all the love and adoration LeeAnne craves and feels entitled to, thrown by her for her, at the expense of everyone else. And to those who donât stay on script about how LeeAnne deserves this after her harrowing childhood, well they get to sit at home and cook their own damn gourmet supper!
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Iâm talking about DâAndra Simmons and Jermey Lock, who are thrilled to forgo celebrating LeeAnneâs marriage in favor of celebrating their own with a little homegrown Iron Chef competition. Apparently this is foreplay for them. DâAndra loves food more than anything and if Jeremy puts a donut round his unmentionable she will lap it right up. Now we know why he gave her 50 donuts for her birthday!
The theme for the evening is seafood. And DâAndra wins by a point for deep-fried crabs and prawns in curry. For dessert she gets Jeremy. Covered in powdered sugar.
Brandi Redmond was also happy to miss LeeAnneâs wedding and instead spent a blissful weekend at the NFL Draft pick. But now itâs back to reality and reality includes 3 kids who donât behave with the threat of another one on the way. Brandi and Bryan are conflicted about whether or not to consider adopting Bruinâs future sibling. Bryan, who was the oldest of 4 and remembers a childhood of his mother being too busy with babies to pay attention to him, is firmly against it citing allllllll the practical reasons: two babies at once, theyâre already overwhelmed, theyâd need a bigger house and car, and Brooklyn is on the cusp of tween, acting out like crazy, and needs A LOT more attention than any baby.
Unfortunately, Brandiâs heart is telling her this the right thing to do. Well, I havenât seen a baby pop up on her instagram so either sheâs hiding another baby from Kameron, or they went with the sane choice of staying in close contact with the other adoptive family so they can get these biological siblings together without having to take on a fourth child.
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Over at Stephanieâs house, we learn that Travis has a jacuzzi in his bedroom and likes to sit in there to fart unnoticed and inoffensively. Of course he does. Travis is heading to Thailand to check on his ailing father and the Hollman companies they also have there, and pretends this is the peeeeeeeeerfect opportunity for Stephanie and her girlfriends, the women he loves and adores, to join them! I wonder if this is about the time Cary D found out she wasnât making the cut? Sptehanie is like OMG â what a super idea, weâll leave right after your 50th birthday party which weâre also pretending we havenât planned at all even though hahahahah itâs happening tomorrow.
Stephanie calls up all the girls, including LeeAnne, and miracles of miracles they can ALL go in two weeks time with zero regard to kids, failing businesses, new marriages, floundering marriages, and Global Pet Expos. Seriously what is Kameron going to eat in Thailand? Noodles, I guess? She should bring some boxes of Kraft Mac N Cheese just in case. Remember that crazy chef Mila from Below Deck Mediterranean? Kameron would be thrilled if they chartered a yacht and she was there to make them boxed pancakes and put Hidden Valley ranch on a chicken tender sandwich.
Kameron is frankly surprised she was even invited given all her issues with Stephanie, but counts this as an important step forward in Stephanie proving her worth to Kameron, aka sucking up until Kameronâs mental image of Stephanie is no longer the word âsurfaceâ with grime smeared on it.
Stephanie, too, has her doubts that this trip will help her reconnect with Kameron, but there will elephants and maybe they like pink dog food? Stephanie also thinks LeeAnne and DâAndra will be getting along like donuts and jelly on this trip. After being starved and held prisoner at LeeAnneâs wedding, she is clearly suffering from lack of food affecting her brain functioning.
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Lastly, Kary and Eduardo go out to dinner and oh boy is this a marriage that is one step away from a vow renewal followed by a divorce. All Kary wants to talk about is her pretend jewelry line and act like itâs a legit business, but Eduardo is like âI am not here to be your free ad campaign for a fake companyâŚâ so he keeps interrupting to discuss things that actually exist. Like his mother, who happens to presently be hiking across Spain. Kary does not care at all, and tells Eduardo as much, but I actually really wanted to hear more about the motherâs trip. So thanks Kary for ruining everything: My voyeuristic dinner, Eduardoâs actual dinner, and probably your mother-in-lawâs opinion of you!
Kary and Eduardo bicker over feeling unheard and disconnected from their marriage and he is clearly annoyed that she up and decided to go to the Real Housewives of Dallas cast trip without discussing it with him first. I mean, we know she probably planned this months ago, but weâre pretending the phone call invite from Stephanie happened as they were standing on the steps of the restaurant. Where Kary said âYESâ immediately without even acknowledging that Eduardo exists. When he presses her on all the girlsâ trips sheâs taking lately, she smirks that she canât live without them because they are âlike therapyâ to her. With all LeeAnneâs meltdowns and suicide threats and histrionics over her childhood, she is not wrong. They are exactly like group therapy. Especially since Stephanie used to be a counselor.
Eduardo does not look convinced. Kary feels trapped in her marriage, with Eduardo holding all the purse strings, but he sure lets them out when she decides she wants to do last-minute international travel! I wonder how far her jewelry line would get her?
TELL US â DO YOU THINK KARY AND EDUARDO WILL SPLIT? IS LEEANNE TOO HARD ON HER MOTHER? ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS CAST TRIP IN THAILAND? WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DALLAS STARSâ COMMENTS ON LEEANNEâS WEDDING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]